Been over 4 months that WH moved out. We've had some great communication. He says he sees no future with OW but he still is not home. We communicate by phone practically everyday. Some weeks more, some less. But I'm thinking divorce just so the pain will go away.

And yet I feel he is still wanting to find a way back home.

I know I shouldn't divorce over emotions, but this lonliness is killing me. I fill my time up with people and work. I'm exhausted from attempting to avoid the pain. And here I sit again missing him.

I need coping skills that go beyond, stay busy, take care of yourself. I'm doing all that, but still there are these moments that just are so overpowering.

Any ideas? what works for others?

I know all too well how you are feelings, and I'm sorry you have to be here...
What thoughts have you had about going into Plan B?

I haven't considered Plan B, as our communication is actually, slowly improving.

Its just that I think of him 24 hours a day it seems like. I can escape from the A for periods of time. My job or work around the house or visiting with friends and family. But it seems like the moment everything stops, the moment I pause or its quiet . . . my mind just drifts to him. I miss him terribly.

I feel like I need to stop the pain and know that a divorce is not the answer . . . but it just seems like it the only solution, other then waiting.

I know I should wait this out but how do others cope with this?

I'm sorry I can't really tell you how I'm dealing with it, as I have the same feelings you do right now. Always thinking about her.
I can tell you that divorce itself will not make those feelings go away. They will still be there.
Do not consider divorce until or unless you have no desire anymore to be with your H.
Divorce is not a release from pain.

Bump. Any ideas, suggestions. How do others get through this?

Dear WF,
I agree the pain is enormous and even though my H is still at home I often tell him I would rather end it than keep feeling the pain. But the truth is if the M ended the pain wouldn't go away. You would just be replacing it with different pain.
So what is the answer?
I am no expert as I am struggling with so many issues myself but I think setting boundaries without LBing. Making sure we don't become doormats in our Plan Aing. Hopefully seeing a progression in communication etc will help keep us focused on what our M can be. I try to remind myself that even though it feels like forever at the moment- one day he will not think like this or behave like this and to save our M it is worth calmly waiting.
Hope this helps you.
S

Yes, I do see better communication. At times it is at a stand still and sometimes it is a huge leap.
And I know it is not all rosey with OW. I hear this from others that observe and from WH that comments about her somewhat too.
But still . . . he is living with her for now.

You are right though communication is important.
And he calls me as soon as he leaves her place to go to work in the morning and we talk or see each other in afternoon.
Its almost as if I'm the OW, as I am sure he is not telling her how much contact we have.
Still . .. I feel very lonely.

WF,
Sorry I haven't replied I've been away.
Hope things are getting better. Let me know. Any chance of getting OW out of the picture? I am not confidant to give advice but I know that I couldn't cope feeling as if I am OW. Maybe some veterans will tell you if it is time to plan B or keep doing what your doing.
Keep posting.
S

Dear Whitefeather,

This is a very terrible situation for you. I can imagine you miss your H and that this situation is draining you.
I'm wondering, why would you consider a D rather than going to plan B?
Does your H know how much pain he is causing you?

Whitefeather - Have you considered the 180 approach? There was a thread recently bumped about a lady who did this and it brought her H back who had been gone for over a year. I'll see if I can find it and bump it back up, it is very inspirational. Basically it involves stepping back, not being so available to WH and moving on. In your case it would involve not answering every call, or cutting the call short because your ride is here to pick you up (no mention of what you are doing and who you are doing it with). Going away for the weekend, doing fun things. If you know he is going to stop by, you are dressed up walking out the door. Make him start to think you are moving on and you won't always be there for him. Right now he knows you are there for him so there is no reason to hurry up and come home.

I just found it, it's the thread that starts "Hay CarolH..."

Dear WF,
What a painful place for you to be in !
I agree with Kloe72, the 180 degree turn may be of some help. I was particularly interested in this idea, and started a thread myself called "the 180 degree turn" just recently. I got a lot of excellent info back on how it is carried out.
By staying available to him, unfortunately, you are enabling his behaviour. What man wouldn't want his cake and eat it too ? When you deeply love someone, you become vulnerable to them. Their rotten behaviour hurts and just keeps on hurting. Some people do the Plan B thing and it turns things around, but if he is still trying to hold onto two women, you will continue to feel the pain over and over again. So this is where the 180 plan can help. You really do have to change you, change how you behave, what you will allow, time you offer, energy you spend. Do it without malice, but clearly change your supportive behaviour. Focus on things and people other than him, and let him see that you are not willing to hang around and wait for him while he cannot make up his mind. The worst case scenario is that he won't care and then what did you really lose ? In the meantime you will have begun to create another life for yourself. It will be difficult at first, to be sure. You won't feel like turning your back. But the point remains that with all your patience and tolerance, you have not turned him around yet have you? So what do you stand to lose?
Then on the question of pain and longing.......
When you reach the end of the road and nothing seems to work, then divorce is a better solution than staying stuck in the pain. It gives some closure to a relationship that isn't happening and allows both parties to move on. Will it also cause pain, yes absolutely, but like a necessary surgery it hurts, but then it heals. Staying stuck does not allow you to heal and pain goes on and on and on. There is a time to do everything you can when love is still there on both sides, and there is also wisdom in knowing when you have reached the end of the line.
Wishing you strength and wisdom. WA

whitefeather....


the fact that your husband has moved in with the OP vs the fact that lately you two have been communcation that in your words has been some great communication...

AND
that in spite of actually living with her ....my my some WS a dream come true... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
AND
he is still coming to you for the meeting of needs be them communication, admiration etc...

THAT THIS
is the exact time that YOU iniate plan B...\

your plan A is doing pretty good considering the circumstances...
he is seeking YOU out...

PLAN B>...

LET the OP meet ALL his needs...
quit exposing your self to his "good conversation" without the show of good actions..

his words are hollow....
and he needs action...

he is cake eating big time....
but you are the other slice of cake...

though a somewhat proponet of 180's...they can back-fire....
and plan B sends a clear strong message without having to create the illusion of moving on...
because that can sometimes be used against the BS as a tool....to say see you're "dating"...
you are the same as me...

I strongly recomend plan B..

it is you choosing out of being part of a triangle...because no matter his words....he is using you to appease and fill spaces in what should be his great exciting new relationship...

go dark
go plan B..
don't worry about exposing him to 180's/..to seeing you do this or that...
cut him off
let the OP meet all his needs which she is currently incapable of or he wouldn't be calling you so often

ARK

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 03:41 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>