I make more threads than a clothing designer on SPEED, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

but I was just wondering if my desire to contact my W is going to be as hard to break as her desire to contact OM?

I see some similarities here. Am I now going to go thru withdrawal? At least she can contact him all she wants now without interference from me.

Will my constant checking for signs of her waking up ever end? Plan B is going to be hard, and it's only been what 48 hours?

I can do this right?

She will wake up right?

I'm not sad just frustrated, which far beats being totally devestated like the other night. I don't know how long I can just be dad and nothing else. She hasn't tried to contact me today after our discussions yesterday, she changed her email password because with my big mouth I divulged that I knew certain things (I had to she kept denying things and being dishonest) she has abandoned me and our children. I just can't believe that whatever is outside of that door is worth destroying her M over! I loved this woman with all my heart! UNBELIEVABLE, totally freakin UnBELIEVABLE.

I can still expose this A to a few more people that might apply some pressure on her and OM. At this point I don't know if she's still seeing him or not. What should I do? Should I try to seek out OM's mother? my W's pretend Aunt? I can't even send OM a copy of the Plan B letter because I don't have an email address. Is what I'm doing working or is it enabling her to continue her destruction of our M and family?

Wisdom Please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I don't really have any advice since I'm a mess myself right now but just know that you are doing the best you can. Take care of your kids and be the best father they could ever have. I wish my H was doing that with our son.
Hang in there.
HUGS>>
T~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong> I don't really have any advice since I'm a mess myself right now but just know that you are doing the best you can. Take care of your kids and be the best father they could ever have. I wish my H was doing that with our son.
Hang in there.
HUGS>>
T~ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aren't we a mess
((((TREE))))
It's going to be okay...we're going to make it...
Hey wait a dang minute
hey hold on...I'm a mess get out of here
your using Reverse Psychology on me!!
YOUR Trying to make me forget my troubles by making me focus on someone elses..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hey that might work... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

I wish it were that easy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I wish I had a magic wand and I could make everyone's hurt go away!!!!!
I'll say a prayer for ya tonight.
HUGS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong> I wish it were that easy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I wish I had a magic wand and I could make everyone's hurt go away!!!!!
I'll say a prayer for ya tonight.
HUGS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get some sleep for all of us INSOMNIACS..
tomorrow is a new day, full of possiblities please be optimistic about your own peace of mind.

I'm going to start listening to my Tony Robbins cd's again. I will start jogging again tomorrow, maybe that will help. I had to pry my fingers from the keyboard, I wanted so badly to send my W an email. NO FM NO! BAD FM! She's thinking of you and her family, even if its way in the back of her brain behind thoughts of OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

On my way to get some ZZZZZZ's before I make myself sick. My ears are ringing and my head is pounding. I would love to be able to go away to some island with my son and just relax and listen to the waves. Maybe we can do that some day soon.
Anybody care to join me???? We could have lots of margaritas!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

UHMMMMMMMMMM Margaritazzzzzzzz
HOmer LIKE....HOMER LIKE

Gnight Tree....
have sweet dreams we'll be here when you get back from La La Land... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Nite!!! Hope all of you get some rest too. Like you said..."Tomorrow is a new day."

ZZZZZ......T~

Hi FM,

You and me, buddy are in Plan B. I give us a gold medal for lasting as long as we did in Plan A.

I had the talk today with WH--I was very calm, just like you. I went through the speech about love, preservation, C hurting and all. He asked a few questions, but did not go off like I was expecting him to. I also gave him the letter which he read, but I do not think he understood. He asked me later if he should get a apt. or motel because he doesn't think this will be long term. I said, I know you read the letter and it is up to you if it is long or short term because they are the conditions--NC, proof and a recovery plan. He then had discussion with me about financial support. Should I tell him I don't want to enable his affair?

Anyway, in answer to your question, yes, I think we will go through withdrawal. Refer to Save Your Marriage Central.com discussion forum, posting from April 27, titled, the fog blows both ways--we will withdrawal and will fight our demons to contact for total darkness. The anti-d's and an activity plan may help this process.

Frankly, I think we should try and have a good time and not obsess over our M's. This time is for us--to be ready for the return or to lessen our feelings for our WS's. To go from negative to neutral (not quite moving on, more of a holding pattern). The holding pattern is tough for me because I am a very independent person and ready to get this show on the road, which is why I am probably in this mess now. But I can try and be in a holding pattern for awhile--do you think the 2 years includes the time served in Plan A? Just kidding.

I was thinking to going to Mexico why WH was overseas. Before I had the talk this morning, he found my research on the computer. He freaked out because he thinks why would I want to do something without him. He "confronted" me with the evidence and I finally said to him--I will answer the question you have in your head--"no, I am not having an A, that would be a cruel thing to do."

Point is, go have a good time and enjoy yourself. Take the kids to the park, a carnival, a street fair, a music concert. Like our moms always said, "go outside and play." This time is for us.

God bless and take care of you.

FM-

Take a deep breath my friend, you need to focus on one step at a time. Not one week or day...one step. Now you need to take care of you and your son. Pray like you never have before and trust that God will honor your faithfullness.

I wish I could tell you that it will be easy but the loneliness gets ovewhelming at times. There's no easy way around that except stay busy. Go do some things for you, work out, go to the movies, travel...whatever keeps your mind off the W for now. (yeah, like that's gonna happen). Well, at least try to keep your mind off her so you can heal. You have poured all your emotions out and if your not careful you will be quickly in despair. Despair will give you a panic feeling of hopeless depression. At that point the world is black and meaningless. You need to heal now for a while.

Take a deep breath and take care of you and your son. Be strong even when you really want to curl up in the corner with a blanket over your head. Don't question your decision...stay focused on plan B. Hang in there.

2scared

The nights are the worst.
I just cannot believe she didn't contact me.
If I knew she was with OM I could deal with this better.
It's the not knowing that kills me.
The not knowing if I should move on or not.

I want to be resilient like so many people here, but I don't know. This person has been in my M far too long. It's been 2 years almost since we got back together and she has never ended contact.

I need to know so I can go on with my life.

I've started typing an email to her 4 times, but I didn't send any of them. I can't sleep. I know take deep breaths and relax, all that good stuff.

I just need some HONESTY and then I will let go.

Brutal Honesty.

If I assume and move on then I will always wonder what if?

I am rambling on and on and on

Just be honest dammit, just be honest...tell me the truth. If she is with him and that's where she wants to be FINE I can live with that, it's been over a YEAR. Put me out of my misery.

Permission to move madam?

You obviously don't want to be M to me anymore.

Plan A, Plan B it doesn't matter.
You are separated from your H and C's and no caving. She doesn't want to return only for the kids! What about me? So I have my answer dont I?

That's your answer FM, Family doesn't matter.

FM....Man I feel your pain right about now. I read your post on my thread earlier and I was thinking - damn, son FM is further along than you are and look how well he's doing. A real inspiration. I read this thread and I realize that you are still an inspiration! You are hurtin' hard and want to do some things that you know are not in your overall plan. You start, you stop. You start, you stop. Four times you said.

I'm thinking your ability to separate heart/head works. Your heart is under the sludge in your gutter but your head is still working what you want. Inspires me to keep my head in the game and save my heart for the long drives. Hell, I've even resorted to another escape - crying! 38 yrs old and believe it or not only cry during the National Anthem. Sounds funny but standing at the Padres game, tears fall (of course, it could be because of the Padres); seeing/hearing Whitney sing it makes me tear up. Since this journey began, some days I didn't think I could continue then one day driving home listening to a song I cried. Damn revelation if you ask me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I couldn't believe how much better I felt. So now, the days I feel like a blade is in my heart, I drive and actually force myself to cry by listening to the right music. My other escapes are my DD, the gym and this board. I'm working on adding others and I know they'll come.

And FM, Family does Matter. I see it everytime I look at my DD. It's late (even over on the west coast) but take a peak and look who is sleeping in your house. There's also someone else in there - Daddy! The lighthouse who stood with clarity and reason! Daddy! Strong arms, firm hands and a warm heart! Daddy! Any man can help produce a child - but it takes a man to be the childs Father a.k.a. Daddy!

Hang tough bro'! Here's another believe it or not - I've added you to the "experienced ones" category. Probably not a great compliment considering, but your strength and assistance continues to help others.........I'll also toss a prayer in for you and yours.......LS

Lost,
WOW bro I appreciate your kind words man, I really needed them, but I caved in bro. I cracked her email and she will be sure to know it was me. STUPID I know! It was like something just took over. I wanted to have a reason to throw in the towel, but all I found when I looked was my stupidity for derailing myself. It's time for boundaries and I violated them tonight. It's okay I think, I'm human, I'm going through a very difficult time and I still love my wife. I can start over tomorrow. It's a shame I only lasted 48 hours in Plan B! That must be a MB Record!

I had to be honest and tell you all that I made that mistake. I really do feel like you people are my support group infact my only supporters and I didn't mean to let you all down. It won't happen again. It's the NIGHT that does it. Some nights I'm fine, some nights I'm way out in left field. Don't do what I did LS, but if you do, it's okay! We are human, we are hurting, and we love our spouses.

Later big guy, I'm going to go check in on those great kids that you talked about in your email. I feel pretty bad for breaking down like that. I must be stronger and allow her to come to her own senses. My persuasion isn't enough, even if she came back due to my persuasion I think she would only leave again. If our marriage recovers or fails will have to be her decision, that is until I chose to throw in the towel. I do not choose to throw in the towel just yet. I want her to choose me and our family and to choose to walk away from anything and anyone that hinders our marriage.

I pray to GOD that she has that strength. I hope she can display more strength than I showed tonight. Thanks again for reminding me what's important. If my W had friends like you all maybe when her urges to pick up that cellphone swept over her, she could fight too! And if she caved in and answered that call, maybe she could develop the strength to admit it to me, and we could start again the next day.

Take Care and you're right:

Family does matter, even if it screws up sometimes.

So at it again , being HUMAN ! What are we going to do with you LOL

Stop the crap , no you set no record FM , lots have cracked in PLAN B even faster .
YES you been doing for to long , so stop !

ITS NOT THROUGHING IN THE TOWEL , stop looking at it like that . ITs allowing your WW to wake up and miss what she had with you , its about letting her crash and burn .

Its about YOU being healthy and perserving what ever love you have left for her ,,, ITS ABOUT getting stronger for if she comes back to work on recovery OR if she don't YOU becoming stonger and understanding that with or with out her YOU will make it and are a great person .

Again you been going through this a long time and I know there are some of us here that take longer then others to" GET IT "

I was one of those so I know .

NOW the other thing is you do not need permission from her to move on , moving on can mean different things ....

YOU move on with LIFE , the only thing your excluding is moving on with a R in your life .

At night if its harder then think of some things to make yourself tired , start fom the day time .

Then when kids go to sleep , well do the laundry , do some crunchs and have a glass of wine and go to bed .

And I know the feeling of just wanting to know for sure what she is doing ..

I was a queen on that part , so I went out and found out . I investigated till I knew ! THATS what I needed to say enough !

Some here don't belive in that but it was the way I was ... so if you need to know if she is seeing OM still then go find out prove it to yourself if need be .

Maybe thats what you need/needed to be in a DARK PLAN B !

ITS up to the individual , you do not have to be a poster boy for MB princepals !

AND it is OK TO BE PISSED OFF ! Its ok to be SAD! ITS OK TO BE MAD! and ITS OK TO VENT !


OK I won'r bother you no more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

3isa
As I read more and more posts about Plan B I have come to a realization:
I already did this to a degree.
Back during our original separation, after trying to win her over inevitably I gave up and got on with life. I focused on myself and our S whom I had physical custody of while she cared for our D. I remember it to be a difficult time, but I did get over it. After sometime she did start coming around. I guess her R with OM was not all she had anticipated, or maybe my moving on threw her for a loop. I recall telling friends that everytime I was in the process of closing the door on our M she would run back and stick her foot in it; and like a softee I would allow her. This went on for about 6 months or until she fully wanted to reconcile.

So yes, I do understand now that if I had stayed dark, it may not have taken 6 months and that each time I cracked the door that enabled her to get her fix and continue what her R with OM. She was manipulating me with SF, and attention so I couldn't move on totally until she had made up her mind if she wanted me back in her life or stay with OM. I'm now trying to process if I will play this game with her; I think NOT! This is not a game and I don't want to play. Plan B is exactly where I need to be, but the thing that kills me is will I want her back. She did this exact same crap a few years ago. She wanted the divorce and then she didn't want the divorce and now she doesn't know what she wants. I am not a yo-yo.

I will pick myself up and brush myself off and began my Plan B again. I still wish I hadn't caved last night, but at least now that I've stepped outside of myself and looked at my situation I do have some clarity. I need to maintain that clarity throughout the coming weeks until I'm feeling less and less attached to her. It does hurt badly that I had moved on rather far and I allowed myself to come back to the M only for her to resume contact and put me right back on this rollercoaster. She turned my life upside down at the whims of her and OM and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about that in the coming weeks or months. As I process the pain she has caused me, and the upheavel of our S & D I will make some decisions, and they quite possible will be to cut my loses/or not? There really is no guarantee she won't do this a 3rd time. I understand in life there are no guarantees but there does seem to be a pattern, no?

It bears mentioning that I did not want her to leave, but that was her choice. I will try to remain positive while I decipher this foggy code, but it aint looking so nice right now. Meanwhile I will try locate a mediator so that I will not have to physically see her. I think the fact I saw her also added to my erratic state last night. I cannot put myself in that situation. Not only is contact against Plan B guidelines but I think she is studying me and deciding how long she can fence sit. If I remove myself totatlly, or should I say keep her removed totally her fence sitting will not be so comfortable.

I wish I had more information as to her whereabouts and if her and OM are together, but for now I'll just assume they are to a certain degree. I won't say that my W is playing a game with me, but I will say she knows I love her very much and she might be using that to her advantage while she eats "CAKE" with OM. Part of me wants to track her down and see the truth, but the other part of me, maybe a bigger part is wondering if I'd be in a good state to care for our children afterwards? Today is a new day, and though I fell off the wagon I am glad I fell at the beginning, I definetly don't want to get a month in and fall off, but then again I think as the hours roll into days and days into weeks that I will feel more and more content with her absence. I'm not sure if that's what I want, but I see it as her choice for now. If she continues to refuse recommitting herself to our M and family I will be in a better mental state to make some long-term decisions myself.

Thanks for the support and allowing me to not beat myself up over my slight stumble. I felt extremely bad the moment I did it, like I had just lost the Super Bowl, but this isn't the Super Bowl just yet...its still only Pre Season <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> or at worst, Regular Season <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Hey FM, I think you're doing a GREAT job!!

I didn't reply to your post about your kids, but they are SOOOoooo fortunate to have you! What a great job you are doing.

Yes, there will be stumbles in Plan B. Post here, go out of town, go to the movies, keep yourself busy for the first week, it helps. And then things will be easier after that. have a hobby you've wanted to take up? Learn the guitar? Paint? Knock out that wall? Fill your evenings so you'll be too busy to think about her. Take the kids out too to take their mind off...

She is a fool right now. You are a GREAT catch!!

SHMI,
I'll be coming up with some hobby choices over the next few days. I'm not sure what it will be yet, but I'll come up with something to take my mind off of W. Thanks for the words of inspiration. I don't feel like such a great catch, but YES I do feel like a great dad! Time to protect me from her and I'm still working on a mediator so as to totally restrict contact.

I can't imagine leaving my kids, whatever is out there must have a NUCLEAR POWERED PULL MECHANISM on her, yet there really is no excuse for her actions. Other than the foot growing out of the side of my head and the fact I have 8 fingers on each hand...YES I am at least a decent catch, Thanks again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />