<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I need more advice regarding my WH. He has separated from me after 17 years of marriage and I do not know what my next move should be. Please see my other posts on this site in this category for my story.

I would like to hear a male perspective as I am trying to understand where my husband's head is right now - and why he could say to me that he is in "break up" mode and not just needing a "break." Should I let him cool off - it has only been a week since he left - and we had a heated argument the day he left. I hope and pray he is not serious about breaking up. I really want us to reconcile our marriage some day.

Please help me with some advice - and see my other postings for the details - I don't have the strength emotionally to reiterate them here!

Well, I am not a male, but here are my thoughts. Your husband has all of the indications of having an affair. If he is always at work, it is probably someone he works with.

The "I need space" line comes right out of the WS handbook. And of course you are insecure, because he has probably been pulling away from you. Then he will use your reaction against you, by blaming you.

So time for Plan A. Get firmly into it, and start working on yourself. That is the only thing you can do. If you are completely miserable all of the time, get to the doc and get some anti-depressants.

Dear,
I have to agree with Believer.
Unfortunately there is no "quick fix" for this, no magic that can make H suddenly change his mind.
The magic can come from plan A when applied well but it will need time.
Plan A generally is about being such a good partner that H will start wondering what he was missing in the marriage and why he wanted to get away from it (for whatever reason). No blaming, no pleading, no discussing. Biting your tongue and feeling like it's bloody unfair at times... yes, that too.

You will become a better person that feels better about herself if you stick to the program - no love busting, go for plan A 100%. Take care of yourself. Do things to make YOU feel better so you can get through this bad patch.
And keep posting here my dear.

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Hi Newlife,

First, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this... I know how painful this must be for you. My dad "ran away" several times while I was growing up. He and my mom used to fight all the time. I sometimes thought that they enjoyed fighting because they fought so often... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your H had an A earlier in your M... you both started MC, but never really dealt with the issues of why he had his A...

I suspect that your H is sorry for the A, but neither of you have really dealt with the issues and learned from them. You are still hurt over his A and your words and actions reminded him of his failure on a daily basis.

Please understand that I'm not saying that you are a "bad" person or that you've driven your H out of your home...

Both of you are hurting and have never dealt with any of the issues that caused the pain. That is why MC is so important in rebuilding your M... It's one thing to read and post here, but it doesn't take the place of a professional MC.

Take a very close look at your words and actions over past years since your H's A... and see if they could have been LB (Love Busters) from your H's perspective. His leaving may just be his way of coping with his pain...

IMHO, the fact that your H wants to stay connected with the family leads me to believe he's NOT having an A...

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Believer, brownhair & rebuilding in faith 90:

Thank you each for your responses. I am encouraged, especially by the comments from Rebuilding in Faith. I truly do not think my H is having an A as he does want to maintain such close contact with the family. His apartment is less than 10 minutes away and he insists on cutting the grass each week (even though I told him I hired a lawn service), as well as put me on his insurance. I know exactly where the apartment is and so do my girls. He knows that I have the ability and the means to spy on him if I choose to - but I don't feel a need to do so.

My question is, I know he exhibits many of the characteristics of a WH, but could it be that my behavior has really caused us to be separated at this time? I am really feeling the guilt. And please, would someone address the issue of his saying to me that he is in "break up" mode right now as opposed to just taking a "break" from each other? When I asked him the question, he said based on our last conversation before he left that he was working on "break up" mode as I said some pretty mean and nasty things - like, let's just get a D and move on with our lives. As I said before, I really regret saying those things. And you all are correct, we never really dealt with the issues of his first A and I know that I constantly remind him of the mistake from the past, which is wrong. I just hope and pray that over the next few months he will soften his viewpoint and really consider coming back home and working on our marriage through counseling even after he is so adamant about being in break up mode (guys - is this just an angry mode and he is fearful of even discussing reconciliation as he is not sure that I have the ability to change? Will he soften over time if I show him that I am a good person through improving myself?)

Thanks for all the advice. I am truly looking back over the years at my behavior and can honestly say that I have been impossible at many times and constantly berated him about any and every thing. The guilt is killing me and much worse the fact that we are not living in the same house is doing even more damage to my spirit and my emotions.

Thanks again to Rebuilding in Faith 90 for the opinion that he may NOT be having an A - this is encouraging to me.

Looking forward to continued dialogue on this site - it is therapeutic for me - and YES I am starting professional counseling next week - I have not approached my husband about this as I think it is too soon to suggest counseling to him - given his current state of mind and his perceived anger.

Please keep up your replies - I appreciate them!

Newlife,

I replied on your other thread...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am truly looking back over the years at my behavior and can honestly say that I have been impossible at many times and constantly berated him about any and every thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I suspect that your actions reminded him of his mother... I don't say this in a mean spirited way, just thinking about some possible reasons for his leaving...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The guilt is killing me and much worse the fact that we are not living in the same house is doing even more damage to my spirit and my emotions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, we ALL make mistakes in our marriages... the difference between a poor M and a great one, is that in great marriages, the partners learn from their mistakes and try not to repeat them! Don't wast any of your precious time feeling guilty! Learn from your past mistakes and look for ways to improve yourself and your M...

I'm so glad that you are starting counseling... Please see if your H would be willing to start as well... Like I mentioned on your other thread, I suspect that your H has some serious issues with his mother that he's transferring that anger and pain to you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90