Okay, I've already posted that I start my new job on Monday. I just found out that I got the apartment!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can move in tonight after 5pm. Right now I'm on my way to pick up my inflatable matress to sleep on tonight from my IL's house. It's too bad that I don't really have anyone to help me move today because it's on the 3rd floor. I guess I'll just take some of the important things today and I'll leave the heavier things (like furniture) until I can find someone to help me move them.

Last night I told H that I would be by to pick up a few things and he wanted to know if I needed my mail and if I needed my mail last night. I told him I would just get it today when I pick up the rest of the stuff I need. I think he was trying to get me to meet with him last night. Whatever. Well, I better go.

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

Well that wasn't fun. I got most of the things that I'll need for tonight. Talked with H for about an hour. Saw my cat for the first time in almost 3 months. That's what I think was the hardest. I really miss her. H helped me get stuff into my car. He couldn't understand why he couldn't know where I was going to live and work.

At one point he asked if I wanted to see the room. I was in a little shock. I told him that I really didn't want to see the room and he asked why not. I just gave him this cold stare that got him off the subject. What was he thinking?! Who would want to see the "wonderful changes" he's made to the room by removing every one of my belongings from it. Everything, of course, but my PS2. He put the PS1 (which is his)in the pile of my belongings because he figured that I like playing PS1 games more. I wanted to tell him Hey! I can play PS1 games on the PS2 which I am taking! But I didn't say anything. I just wanted to get my matress and some other essentials. I couldn't find my towels in the pile of my stuff so I'll have to go and buy at least one in the mean time. I can't move in for another 4 hours so I'm just trying to pass time until then. I was going to go see "Hero" but I don't feel comfortable leaving all of my belongings in my car. It's going to take me forever to get everything up to my apartment by myself. I was thinking about painting tonight but I might hold off on that until tomorrow. It's going to be really boring tonight without a tv. I guess it's a good time to start meditating or something.

II - great news on the new job - and the apartment!! congrats!! I'm praying for you all the time. It even looks like things might be going good for you - I'm glad!!

Good job being strong infront of him, too...just wanted you to know we're thinking about ya!! try not to get too tired out this weekend...you'll wanna be ready for anything at your new job!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Best of luck to you!!!
~YL

Ivy, I can't wait to see Hero. I love Chinese movies.

No games and no TV makes Ivy go crazy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Sounds like you're doing great. What a difference a month makes. What kind of time frame do you have in mind for everything?

GC

I guess I really never thought about a time frame. I've been so obsessed with finding a job and a place to live that I never thought about it.

I'll also be starting school again on the 20th which is going to keep me super busy.

The only thing that H mentioned about doing was closing our joint bank account. Other than that I don't think he's in any hurry to file for a D. Right now I can't afford to file and so I'm seeing what time brings.

I'm hoping to move most of my things out of the house by this weekend. I never realized just how much I actually had and now I'm dreading carrying it up 3 flights of stairs.

I'm so not into this move. There's no doubt H is getting off far better than I am. He gets to keep everything, the new tv with the new sound system, the new computer, the bed, the cat, and gets to continue living as if he's done nothing wrong.

I forgot to take a lamp with me when I went by this morning. I went to go pick it up but he couldn't wait for me because he had to go to fencing. He isn't even working today. He just went for fun. I past him in the street about a block from his parent's house and he said he just couldn't wait for me to get there. So his mom was there when I got there. My cat was waiting at the door for me like she always did. I miss her so much. I also looked for some towels but I have no idea where my stuff is. I got so tired carrying all of my stuff up by myself. Everything just feels so empty. Even my inflatable matress is leaking. My friend who said she was going to stop by to help never showed up. I can't decide which room to take and I don't have anyone to help me choose things anymore.

I'm just wondering, is this all just a waste? Why does he get to be in the better situation? I'm desperatly in need of some companionship and there's no way he's going to be here for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's no doubt H is getting off far better than I am. He gets to keep everything, the new tv with the new sound system, the new computer, the bed, the cat, and gets to continue living as if he's done nothing wrong </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It just appears that way from the material side of life now doesn't it ?

Let's look at it a different way...you've got your honesty, your integrity, your courage, and a brand new back bone !!! Do you know many people are jealous of you and your ability to pick yourself up, dust yourself off...and make today a great day ?

I'm in AWE !!!!!!

it will be a greater day the day I learn to enjoy being alone.

Ivory, I am so thrilled for you!!! I know you're down right this minute, but manoman, what an absolutely wonderful thing.

You have a place to live.

A job.

You're starting school.

You are SURVIVING this mess!!!

You are also growing up. For the first time -- you're living on your own, having to decide stuff for yourself, having to figure out what youo're going to do next. I KNOW how sucky it is.....

And I also know you should revel in every second of every yucky moment, because this is some powerful stuff that you're learning. Pay attention to every second, even the ones that hurt like heck.

Oh, and about the towels, the TV, and the sound system? Call up your husband's mom and ask her where the towels are because you couldn't find them. She knows. Trust me, she does.

And second, when you talk to her, let her know that you have a few more things to pick up and ask when she'll be available for you to pick them up.

And then go get the things that you want.

Why? Because they're YOUR THINGS TOO.

There's no reason that your H should "get" to keep them. If he wants to "get" to keep them, how about he works on "getting" to keep you, too?

No? Great. Then don't worry about the stuff.

Now, this is NOT Policy of Joint Agreement stuff. This is learning to play his own game better than him and it's not very nice.

(A quote from Penny Tupy: "I don't do nice.")

If you can figure out a courteous way get through this stuff, excellent! It's always good to be courteous. But you are not required to be nice, particularly when that involves suffering for someone else's benefit.

My problem is that all of our new stuff like the tv, computer, desk, sound system and such were all purchased before the wedding. Since he was the one who bought it I'm kind of stuck without it. I just feel like he gets to keep all of the cool stuff and I end up with whatever's in his reject pile much like myself.

I still don't know what to do about my cat. The thing is that it's not only him who doesn't want me to take her. It's his parent's too. As for the towels, I found the towels that I had from my old apartment in one of the boxes I took. His mom said she would call me if she found the new ones that we got as wedding gifts.

Today I'm so tired and my back hurts from carrying as much as I could up the stairs. I didn't have any help. I'm renting a moving van today to go pick up my furniture from the house. I guess H is supposed to help me put it in the van and I'm going to have a friend come over and help me bring it up to the apartment. I hope we both can manage that.

Well, I just got a message from H online. I guess it's in response to my being unhappy that he seems to be getting all of our good stuff. Here it is:

No, I'm sitting here in my parents (who seemed to cause you such misery despite their best efforts) house, and while I enjoy their company most of the time, I very much wish my living condititions were different, and I sit here in terrible debt and very nearly constant stress because of it. My life will be stuck in a hole like this for at LEAST two years, the way I calculate it. More likely three. So you'll be a graduate, with a place and a job, and I'll be 30, living at my parents house, and at best, I'll be at zero instead of negitive money. Not even my own car, just a borrowed beat-to-hell mini-van. Great. Life is peachy. You ask me if I'm happy, sure, I've got things to be happy about, and I TRY to be happy about the rest. But let's not go there, there's nothing to be gained for anyone hashing over that again.

I probally shouldn't even respond.

I have been following your story and I am truly sorry for all you have been through.

I am wondering if you are filing for divorce soon? Usually the assets aquired during the marriage are split more evenly than what you seem to be getting. Just a thought.

Good luck with your new job and place!!

So.... he's unhappy with his situation is what he's saying.

Okay, I accept that, and I'm glad he's self-aware enough to understand how he feels. Some people aren't able to do that.

The next step is what he's going to DO about it. I didn't see that part in his note, but maybe he hasn't yet realized that he can actually do something about it. I hope he starts to understand that soon. Once someone understands that they can change their own life step-by-step, then they start to be able to change the world. That's a cool process to watch.

You've already started that process -- and started to change your life -- and that's absolutely excellent for you.

I hope that he begins to understand that he can change his life, too.

His plan for changing his life at the moment is basically just to be rid of me. I had so many problems moving today. Just before I left his house I broke down completely. We had a huge arguement. He still blames me for all of his unhappiness. He said I broke his spirit. I didn't have anyone to help me move after all. I had to call a person that I met once from church and he helped me take most of my heavy furniture to my apartment. I still have 2 small dressers that I'll have to get in the morning. I'm completely drained. I had lunch with H today. That went fine. It was before our huge arguement. I hadn't eaten for 2 days. I was just so busy with the move I guess I forgot. After the arguement basically consisting of how I always make him more unhappy when he tries to discuss things, I felt like throwing myself in the river. Ophelia was always my favorite charachter. I sat in my car in his driveway sobbing for about half an hour.

I found out that after I left IL's changed the locks on the house. They said my leaving gave them a good excuse to change the door knob. They left when I came over. I guess they didn't want to be around when I was there.

I still have a ton of stuff at the house. Everything is still mixed in with all of their stuff. It's such a daunting task to think about how long it's going to take to get all of my things. Right now I don't even know what I'm going to do with all of my things. Luckly my new room is a lot larger than the room I was staying in with him.

After the argument I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I want to file for a DV. I was going to wait for him to because deep down I was still hoping for a miracle but I can't take this anymore. On one hand I really want to find someone who will treat me the way I want to be treated. I know I'm high maintenance. I want someone who wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them. Still, I can't see myself having feelings for anyone but my H.

Then there's the subject of my cat. She's my cat. My little sister gave her to us. My dad paid to have her flown up here. I don't think I'll get her unless I make a fuss about it during the DV. I hate knowing that I have a failed M. This is the biggest disappointment of my life. With everything else that I've had to go through in my life, this is the thing that has hurt me the most.

Just as a side note, when we saw his neighbors he mentioned that all of their kids that are around our age are having marital problems. He said it as if we weren't. I seriously think that he doesn't consider himself to me married. I don't think he ever did.

As for the assets, most of our belongings we purchased before we were married. being that we lived together 5 years before we got married we had a lot of stuff. Most of the nice things were bought a few months before the wedding. I always thought of it as our stuff since we shopped and bought it together, but since he actually paid for it, it's all his. I wish we had our own place so that he had to sort through all of the stuff and I could keep whatever he forgets. I know I'm never going to get everything that's mine out of the house because everything is scattered and since we had storage issues things were stored in places that we can't even remember. I just know he's going to be able to use the things I'll forget and it just makes me angry.

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

Ivy,

Hon, can't you just take the cat? Don't EVEN worry about making anyone mad.

The cat was waiting for you, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, the cat loves you, and so do WE at MB.

Forget about the rest. Get your stuff and forget it. Stuff is stuff. Replacable. Your life is not. You are a good girl. God will bless you.

Sorry WS parents don't see it like it is. Wish they had made him (ws) take care of himself (and YOU, his WIFE) before now. Glad you have soooo many good things going on for you. New place, new job, etc.

There is a God and He loves you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Well, I've pretty much given up on my M. The funny thing is that I'm not even sad right now and I don't miss him.

I'm sure I'll still have those feelings but for the past few days I haven't.

Yesterday I went to go pick up some more things. Everything was going fine at first. MIL even gave me a pot of flowers for my new place. Then I decided to go for the George Forman grill. I went to the kitchen to get a few of my other kitchen items and H came in and asked what I was doing. I was all cheery until I picked up the grill. His tone changed and he acused me of taking it because I just wanted to take everything. I explained that it was a wedding gift from my mom's bf and he had already told me I could have all the wedding gifts. He didn't remember telling me that. Then I told him that the PS2 was mine as well being that it was a b-day gift from him to me and he got upset about that went and got it out of his room and then went back in and shut the door. He refused to help me load my car at all. I was still wearing my work clothes (skirt and heels) and I had to load everything and go up and down the ladder to the basement. I also made him give me my lamp and print that he wanted to keep which I think made him even more angry.

I was just fed up. I still have about 2 more car loads at least of stuff to get and then of course there's my cat. He and his parents have made it known that they will not let me take her so I have to wait until all the legal stuff is taken care of to take her. I stopped wearing my rings this weekend. Other than that things are going really well. I started my job yesterday and the people there seem really nice. I just have to learn a lot. It's going to be tough but I'll be working 7am to 3pm so I'll have time for my classes at night.

I'm ready to move on. I can't wait until I get a monitor for my computer and a phone line so that I will finally not have to go to the library to come here.

Ivy, I'm so sorry your M has gotten to this point, but I'm awfully proud of you for getting it together the way you have.

Hey, I have a question. That "hug" photo on the photo page - who's in the photo?

I hope you like your new job. And I hope you get your cat. Cheers,

GC

Ivy, I don't post much on your threads, but I read them.

I am very proud of you. You have an inner strength and fortitude that should be cherished.

The black and white picture is me facing the camera and my cousin giving me a hug at my wedding. The other picture is my H and I just after our wedding rehearsal.

Thanks everyone for their support. I just hope this new strength doesn't wane after the excitement of the new apartment and job wears down.

I forgot to mention before but I also got the alarm clock which he was angry about having to lose. He said "Your taking that too! Well I'm going to have to know where you got it because I need an alarm." As if he couldn't use any other alarm.

Anyway, I'm so tired today but I have to head back to my apartment so that I can clean up a bit before my roommate decides to move in so that she has space to put her things.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>