First let me say that I will have to refrain from using the abbrev. It has been so taxing on my brain to try to understand what is being said in other's posts.

I am trying desperatly not to get back into a PA { I remembered that one:-)} with a man I worked with 7 years ago. He and I both have a classic situation where we are both married to spouses that did not meet our emotional needs. Since we met those in each other, it has been a wonderfully fulfilling relationship in all those years. However, in the past year or so, I ended the PA, and he agreed, but we still contacted each other as we are great friends. Then 6 months ago, I initiated no contact and did well until this week. After a 3 hour phone call the other night, I can think of nothing else but him. I have spent hours this morning pouring over this site, and beginning to understand where this affair came from.

I married at age 19 to a somewhat older divorced man. He has so many emotional problems, that he never gave me what I needed. I myself have lived through molestation by my maternal grandfather and his neighbor. I was approx. 11-12, and both would have been in their 60's. Along with other issues, my feeling of unworthiness has plagued my entire life. I believe that my husband who was practically the only guy I ever dated was the man for me. We are total opposites, but he is a fairly good husband when it comes to working regularly, cooking and cleaning. However, he has depression, low self-esteem, anger and compains all the time. He is shy, and we have few hobbies/activities we share. My OM is in practically the same boat with his wife. He and I often joke that we just needed to trade. Currently, he has had enough of her lies, emotional abuse, and financial screw ups that he is seriously contemplating leaving her. In all these years he and I have been "together", we have avoided a full blown sexual relationship and tried hard to make our marriages work.

All that said, I understand where my affair came from, but knowing my OM, it is obvious to me he is the type person I should have waited to find. Now, between us there are children involved and 20 year old marriages at stake. I need to end contact with him, and I will. I just needed to get all of this off my chest, and see if there are others in my shoes.

Thanks.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. There are a bunch of OW here,and there used to be a thread. However they got a lot of flack for being honest. So keep posting here and I'm sure you will get some of them to reply.

There is a much better board for OW to post and that is saveyourmarriagecentral. You might try that too.

I think education and information is a critical first step. One that you are taking. You have removed yourself enough already to analyze WHY the A began - and made the choice to not let it happen again. You also want to break contact which is necessary if you want to make things work. It's hard..but do it.

I was also the OW once. Only I didn't realize it ... if that makes sense. Words of encouragement, respect and praise combined with a little flirting to bolster a man's self esteem can become much to important to him if you are the only place they ever hear anything like that. He became emotionally dependent on me and it was driving a wedge between him and his wife. The more she warned him about getting too close to me, the more he was pushed my direction.
He finally cracked one day - (did I mention this man was also my boss) and crossed a physical line. He immediately felt bad about it, and although I assurred him no one would ever find out, he was so consumed by guilt he told his wife. So of course I got fired, and received the obligatory "no contact" letter. What a rotten way to feel. And now without a job on top of it.

You state: "...but knowing my OM, it is obvious to me he is the type person I should have waited to find."

Think about this statement. You are saying you should have waited to find an adulter, liar and cheater. A man who has no idea what marriage vows are all about, no respect for marriage or other people. Is that really what you think?

Hi Meredith -

First of all I'ld like to say I am sorry for your pain. It's hard to let someone go when your heart is with that person, be it fog or whatever.

My story is different from yours, except for the fact that I was an OW. I was single when I met a MM and became very serious with him for eight months before I found out he was married. I ended it with him then, three months later he came back divorced and asked me to marry him, I said yes, we moved in together. But from that time the relationship was forever altered. I was deeply hurt and could not forget the deception, either to myself or to his wife. I asked him to move out in May, still kept seeing him until three weeks ago, when I found out he was also dating someone else. I asked for NC from him then, and it has been almost that long since I have talked to him, or heard from him.

Thought I was doing okay, kind of, until he left a message on my machine today saying he would be at our vacation property all next week and wanted to let me know so I could avoid him. He said also that he would write soon to discuss a few things...the property no doubt.

Now after hearing his voice I feel I am right back to square one. I am almost sick with grief. It is so hard, so very hard Meredith.

Just wanted to let you know I read your thread and I just hate to hear about another person hurting out there.

Hang in there Meredith.

Weaver

It's 2am and I cannot sleep. I had a bombed dropped on me in the last 30 minutes.

My OM informed me that since he has been terribly unhappy in his marriage, and I wasn't going to leave my husband, he in the last year or so had met someone else. While I was pretty much consumed with thoughts of our infidelity the last couple of days, the minutes after he finished talking were the most calm I had been all day. I am so sad to lose this man as a friend, but truly glad it can be over. I have been terribly confused about our relationship, and confused it into something it wasn't or ever could be.

I just hope he will be happy, and I can now put this behind me and try to heal my marriage so this can never happen again.

Best to all

oops

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 03:14 AM: Message edited by: knewbetter ]</small>

Meridith, I know this must have been a shock no matter how much you wanted to end it. I wanted to welcome and encourage you to stick with the board, especially now. You can browse through so many threads that show how a wayward wife (like you and I) can recover a NEW and BETTER marriage than the one that was had. Really!

You have inadvertently been handed a GIFT, the truth from OM. You will grieve I know, but I do hope especially that you will not take responsibility for OMs actions. He CHOSE to be involved with yet a THIRD woman this past year, NOT b/c YOU were not there for him but b/c that is the type of man HE is. Not for you, my dear!

There are many things that you must consider now to truley recover your marriage, some of which will be not easy to hear or do. It is late here also and I must go but will check back with you when I have more time. The weekends are slow, so keep posting your thoughts as they come to you. Replies will be more prolific on Monday. Best, KB

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: knewbetter ]</small>

Gee, my computer is still messed up. Edit turned out to be a double post. (?) Anybody else notice the huge increase in double or even triple posts lately? (Even one from Ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Is it MB or me?

Meredith, I just posted a wonderfully articulate reply and lost it.

What I said was welcome to MB and now the really hard part begins. I mean that, this will test you like you have never been tested.

But stick with us and we will see you through.

Jen

Meredith,

X-OW here, longterm also.

Let me just say one thing. Do NOT go back into a PA and END whatever communication you have. It is an awful situation for you both to be in and it is going nowhere.

If he really wanted to be with you he would leave his wife. He has not done that. What he wants is to have two women to meet ALL his needs.

I think it's great that you are getting insight here about what happened in your marriage but you also need to get to know who YOU are--not YOU and this guy vs. YOU and that guy.

Good luck. Meanwhile, consider shaping your communications with OM to the 'goodbye' variety. Consider it carefully. You are throwing away years of your life in which you could be of a peaceful mind, doing the right thing, living by closely held values. Don't stay in this wretchedness. THere is no other word for it.

This is probably a board faux pas so I'm sorry if I'm hijacking this thread, but I was wondering if anyone sees anything illegal about my particular situation (see above). I mean...should I just let it go and try to be above things or should I seek legal counsel for wrongful termination?

am OW. Trying to make decision to end A or end M. Even if I end M, might not end up in a M with OM although he wants to now but says it has to be a joint decision.

Ladies, I am trying hard to think Mb MB Mbuilding but I really don't think I can be happy if I stay in the M. I don't think I'm in a fog either. What can I read/do etc. My story is scattered around the forum do you need me to condense it here?

and tampa - answer is probably yes. Check whether your company has black and white policy that states that no relationships within same firm and is a fireable offence. However, whatever, and esp if he was your boss or a senior college, it will be sexual harrasment and wrongful dismissal. Check state law (prseume you're in states with is pretty tough on this). Speak to employment lawyers as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I myself have lived through molestation by my maternal grandfather and his neighbor.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Meredith, please read this thread for WS who are sexual abuse survivors. It also contains helpful, insightful & useful website links about sexual abuse.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 07:03 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>