My WW has gotten a second 'lurve' phone that only OM is supposed to know about ( except I do, and also OM GF does now too).

Thing is I said to WW the other day that I think it s unfair that she is making me pay for 2 cells when I know she is calling OM every day in the second phone anyway ( she uses my money to buy her airtime). She was VERY angry. Said the F word and everything.

I want to cancel her old one, and just leave the new one. Its costing me a pointless £30 extra per month and abetting the A contact by letter her pretend its secret.

If I cancel the old one, and convert the new one to monthly pay is that a huge LB ? I don't see why I should get bad value while my WW contacts her OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really AM being a doormat if I do nothing.

Of course what I really feel like doing is cancelling her access to my money or taking both cell accounts away.

Opinions please. Thanks.

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

i have a similar dilima. I have one account in my name and 2 phones. I have restricted changes to the account by password. I have been toying with the idea of removing text messaging from her account since that is the primary way she is reaching out to him. She thinks that is untracable.

im waiting till after i talk to atty. if i need to gather evidence for any reason i want her to feel comfortable doing what she is doing for now. Once plan B goes into effect i will cut everything and she will have to fend for herself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>

....If I cancel the old one, and convert the new one to monthly pay is that a huge LB ? I don't see why I should get bad value while my WW contacts her OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I really AM being a doormat if I do nothing.

Of course what I really feel like doing is cancelling her access to my money or taking both cell accounts away.

Opinions please. Thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, please take my advice on this issue with a grain of salt. Listen to the "old heads".

It is YOUR money. Why would you want to facilitate the affair? I also understand that she is a stay at home mom, and is worthy of her pay.

If you are going to provide her with a phone, consider a prepaid phone (don't know if they are available in your area) with 20 minutes of prepaid time to be used for emergencies only.

Again, listen to others before you take my advice.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble

I truly believe that God has given you a special prayer burden to help save my marriage. I have considered it in prayer and I do believe it so. I do not wish to embarrass you, but that what I believe. Your prayers and insight have been exactly approrpiate every one of the few times you have posted to me.

Your advice is in line with my own thought sir, but I will see what other folk think.

Be Blessed Gimble, you are amongst the best friends I have ever had and we have never met. It is a privilege to be an instrument of Gods grace
{{{{Gimble}}}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course what I really feel like doing is cancelling her access to my money or taking both cell accounts away </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your WW is continuing the affair by using her cell phone, why would you continue to pay for it? If she wants a cell phone to call the OM, the OM can pay for it!

You are obviously a loving husband. Best of luck to you! You deserve better!

Bob,

Policy of Joint Agreement. You've brought it up. Bring it up again, and see how she feels about dropping one phone. If she resists, let her brainstorm and come up with a better idea that you can enthusiastically agree to. Do this in a respectful way, to demonstrate how this technique is supposed to work.

(You could always ask to have the billing for the 'luv' phone put in the OM's name---I like that idea!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Written by Bob:
If I cancel the old one, and convert the new one to monthly pay is that a huge LB? I don't see why I should get bad value while my WW contacts her OM. I really AM being a doormat if I do nothing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Traditionally, it's the WS that determines what is an LB and what isn't.

But I'm inclined to say that de-activating her cell, which YOU are providing monetarily, is more of a boundary of yours regardless if it will cause an LB.

I vote DE-activate it. But also tell her you are going to beforehand, and explain WHY.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

HMMM... let me think... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Is your W using a "secret" cell phone to contact her lover and having you pay for it a LB?

I think yes.

CANCEL the 2nd cell phone and don't say anything until she brings it up. Remember, she thinks you don't know about it. Is she going to come to you and ask why you cancelled the phone that she uses to maintain contact with her OM? I think not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Can you get a new plan for both of you and cancel all the phones? Maybe one number that you share with 2 phones. This will put a stop to her using a phone that you pay for to continue contact.

My point here is that you should not in any way enable her to continue contact and the phone is doing just that. In my opinion, that justifies cancelling it. A LB? Yes in my book, but for heaven's sake are you supposed to help them continue their affair?

She will contact him if she wants to. Get a phone card or some other method. You can't stop her but you sure don't have to pay for it!

LS WW has absolutely no income other than me. the new phone is a 'pay as you go' phone so I can't cancel.

If I stop funding she will just take money from the kids college fund to pay for it that was in her name for safekeeping * sigh *

I see a huge LB over thi sbut I have stood almost all I can take.

A mutual friend told me today that "I should be less posessive and suspicious as I am driving WW away"

FFS ?? She is having an affair ! SUCH FOG !!!!!! makes me angry

Not to pick on LadySing, but her example brings up a couple issues which you should avoid.

1. Do it without telling her.

That goes against Complete Honesty. It's conflict-avoidance. There's no need for this.

2. You should not in any way enable her to continue contact and the phone is doing just that.

Your WW is going to maintain contact for just as long as she wants to. You are powerless to stop this directly. What you do have is the power to demonstrate that you know about the phone (you've done this), and would like to eliminate at least one of these.

Again, use the POJA to work this out. I like Jo's idea as well---if this is a boundary that you're unwilling to back down on, you still use the POJA and negotiation techniques to make a thoughtful request. If she's unwilling to bend---then tell her that you understand her position (if you do), but you are going to cancel it anyway.

Of course what I really feel like doing is cancelling her access to my money or taking both cell accounts away.

ahem .... >clearing throat sounds<

I must take exception to the "my money" part of this.

Has the tradition in your M been to pool $$ assets and both of you use the same bank account? Or, is there a different arrangement?

Traditionally, in your M, what account does your W go to when she wants to make a purchase?

Separate accounts? Joint accounts? "My money" and "Your money" ?

How has this been done all along?

Is the cell phone bill coming to you ... or is it pre-paid? Or what?

Pep

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep

There is 'house' money and 'WW money'. I am not being unfair, just not clear honestly !

Since my WW became a SAHM I paid her a "salary" to spend on anything she wants. This account has not been reconciled by me. Poor trusting fool that I am.

Bills , joint and independent have been paid from my household account. This includes mobile phones and our joint amex cards etc. I Do reconcile these accounts.

My WW buys pre-pay cards for her second phone out of her salary. I know she can spend this on what she wants but I have difficultly sponsoring her in her A contact and the sexy lingerie an sex toys she bought for OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am considering cancelling the phone that I DO pay for and reconcile. She uses this for everyone except OM. She got a new phone because my reconciling exposed her affair through massive TXT bills to OM.

It will force her to use the affaoir phone as her main phone. She may just get another 'secret' phone again I guess.

I know she can contact OM through landlines, public phones and all sorts but It really sticks in my crop that I am doing all I can to stop the A yet I am paying for her secret affair phone.

I told herI was unhappy with this and she said 'if you weren't sneaking and posessive, I souldn't need a second phone!"

I pointed out that I wouldn't need to be sneaking if she wasn't having an affair and being untruthful about so many things in our lives.

That why i think i will cancel the 'main' phone. That way I am not touching her affair phone, just forcing her to use it as her main phone.

She will hate me for it, but this is being a doormat too far. And she hates me whatever I do lately anyway. I may as well stick a boundary post in. What U think ?

Well, yes, BOB..I'd cancel it..

and another thing..why is your salary for the household but her salary for herself?

I see a difference between LBing and tolerating abusive behavior.

I gotta agree with the K approach. Which is basically applying the MB principals. STICK TO PLAN A my friend! Until it is time to go to plan B do not stray. It sounds like you might be doing a great deal of arguing with WW remember to not show disrespect. Sarcasim is definitely disrespectful. Don't think for a moment that I am not 110% on your side BP. Just focus on the principals and on making your self a better person.

Remember the POJA and remember the underlying principals of Plan A! Don't expect the POJA to work the first time out. I have never even had a chance to put the POJA in action but I'm fairly certain that it will take some time to gain success. Good Luck.

Shmaley, great advice thanks !

I am NOT doing a lot of arguing with WW, I am not doing much talking with her either. Her fog is quite unbelievably thick, she is wandering around with the air of a captive princess who knows her knight in shining armour is coming any minute, when her 'knight' wants nothing to do with her.

I have been avoiding all conflict but this fog is going to be there for a while and I need to set some boundaries. I will NOT pay for a phone to keep her A contact convenient.

Plan A has never been harder than today. no LBs yet though. She just turned off teh Olympics to watch Indecent Propsal, and looked at me with a snide smile.... I am now on the 'net in another room. * sigh *

POJA is unusable with my WW. Everything she says is a lie, so negotiation is a conceit. i will save such strategies for such times as she chooses to lift a finger to support our M.

* Noodle, I have few needs of my own. I spend almost nothing on myself. I have my sports car and anold Gibson guitar. I need only food, shelter and clothing additional to that.
I pay $250 per month on WWs Karate alone, plus lots of other stuff.

WW only buys 'stuff' out of hers. I also pay for her clothes, dining, leisure, car running costs, everything.
generous huh ?[Mr. T] Daym Foo' ! {/Mr. T]

T'will be a culture shock if she moves in with Mr wastrel hasn't two cents to rub together OM never held down a paying job in 20 years.

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shmaley:
<strong> Just focus on the principals and on making your self a better person.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure I understand this statement. Bob is in Plan A, but as I see it the first order of duty is to stop the A right? Alot of Bob's Plan Aing is going down the drain because the A is still ongoing even if it is an EA. The making yourself a better person part is contrary to what I thought Plan A was about as well. I though Plan A was about appearing more attractive to your spouse? I may be confused, but from my experience of Plan Aing for an extended period of time, it's alot of wasted energy if the A is ongoing.

Just my opinion and remember I'm new so only slight 2X4's please.

Thanks

FM, plan A is about stopping the affair using things BS can control, i.e. ourselves, our demeanour, our combativeness, our ablity to meet ENs in WS, controlled exposure etc .

There are by products such as 'being a better spouse' but stopping the A is primary.

My Plan A has chipped away at the A so much that only my WW seems to think it is still active, but I have far to go.

This phone issue may be a dose of reality that helps her realise its in the toilet. I dunno. Thats my Q.

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Drat..now I'm torn..

OK..I think I changed my mind..plan A [sprinkles plan A dust, and burns some plan A incense to clear the air.]

I'd agree with K retrospectively...but Bob..I would seriously be working on that plan B...have you figured out how to implement it when it is time? I suspect your W might be one to fight..how exactly you gonna do this? Talk to a lawyer..find out your options.

Noodle I have thought about plan B long and hard. Its just a mess in our situation. I posted in 'plan a/plan B' about this.

My WW has no income. OM has no income AND no desire to give up his F BUT he would certainly sneak to a love nest for occasional nookie.

How can I get WW to move out without SPONSORING her love nest ? Why the HELL would I do that ?

If I move out she loses NOTHING she values right now. My presence is a reminder of how badly she has treated me.

Its a mess. The A is so dead in the water there is no word to describe it. The chances of OM & WW living together are so close to non existent as to be extinct.

I have a few tools yet to use to make plan A work - OM GF is my ally now, I will work with her to make OM LB.

Its a mess noodle if plan A don't work.

I have worked out with my boss that I can relovate in another country with my kids if need be.
That might work, but I would be sad to put the kids through that.See ? Its a mess ? Plan A HAS to work for us. OM wants out, OM GF is on my seide, GOD is on my side, only WW doesn't see what she be shovellin'.

Hm... Is canceling the phone a LB?

A: Is a duck's butt waterproof?


I agree that it's s2pid 2 pay for 2 phones when she only needs one. So, talk 2 her about it and tell her you need 2 cancel one of them.

Since you're in plan A now, I don't think you should cancel the other one, but you certainly can tell her that it hurts you that she uses it 2 communicate with him. Then, continue plan A, be strong, play with your kids, clean dishes or whatever impresses her for HER (without doormatting in the process). And be patient and loving.

If this is 2 hard, consider plan B. But it sounds like you're holding up for now.

-ol' 2long