(moved from in recovery)

Hi All,

It's been a while since I posted and certainly a lot has happened. I have tried to stay away from the board as I became a bit too addicted, IMO.

Anyway, we had went away on vacation and did a lot of reading and I later found out, through snooping, that there had, in fact, been contact - I had found an email account she had.

We handled it "pretty" well. We talked a lot and she told me that she was trying to weene herself off him and so forth.

Well, I picked up the phone and called the OM's W and exposed the A. A very interesting call - to say the least.

I believe it may have made a difference, from his persective at least. He probably doesn't want to jeopardize his family - so my W says.

Two weeks go by - we're getting hit with warm fuzzies here and there and generally having fun together. A couple funks here and there, but quite a bit of good.

Fast forward to yesterday. TOUGH DAY. REALLY TOUGH DAY. We're talking now and we just completely opened up about a lot of the hurt we each were feeling. I mean, we were VERY open and I think we definitely were in a "safe" environment. What it was though is very depressing, and it was VERY sad.

She had gone 14 days NC. Not too surprisingly, this morning she made contact again through an email to OM; SHE told me this. I seriously doubt he will contact her back.

There's been so many hurtful things said now, in the name of being open & honest. "I'm not in love with you", "I want you both", "I'm only staying for the kids", "I don't believe your my soulmate" and so forth.

You know, I'm really pooped. I do love my wife and my family, but I don't know what to think anymore. I want this to work, I really really do -but I don't know what's normal and what's not. In her state of mind and her "love" for OM, I just don't see the light sometimes.

We're heading out for a weekend getaway. Hopefully, we'll be able to sort some of these things through.

She is on the board too, so please don't bash her on this post.

Any advice?

Here's the deal.

Romantic love is an inducible response to stimuli. Your wife had it with the OM. It gives rise to brain chemistry changes similar to chemical addiction---so she is going through a withdrawal.

What she tells you today is a temporal truth. It doesn't mean that will be the way she feels in a week (she might be worse), or a month, or a year.

What the two of you need to do is to embark on a program to induce that response in each other---to build romantic love. It's inconceivable to your wife right now that this is possible; but it is. I would encourage you to get into coaching with someone (Harley's or Penny Tupy) who will help you navigate the early phase of recovery. It's a very tricky time, and this is the best time to have a good MC on your side.

Hi spamalope,

Although I am not in recovery and most likely never will be I can understand your pain.

As my counselor once told me,dialogue, at certain points in a recovery has to be specifically planned out.It has to be considered either constructive or deconstructive.If you are both not careful,you could end up in one big pain fest(like yesterday) and that can actually damage any progress you make.

Even though you both may have felt,ok,this is a time to really open all those cans' of worms,it sounds like you may have gone too far with all the revelations.Pull back.

Your WW has to first be in NC for some time before you can start spilling out your inner most painful feelings and thoughts.Sometimes though,certain things should be left for only the WS or BS to take to their grave.I personally do not believe in a complete brain dump on the other person,only what is actually going to give insight and help toward a recovery.

I know just from dealing with my WH that if I really let him have it,so to speak,with all the pain and anger I have for him right now,he would have never came back,and actually,I think it is a big part of why he doesn't come back right now.It is easier for him to continue to be with this homewrecker than to come back and face all that emotion.It's monumental.

So,I would suggest that you try to pamper yourselves,lick those wounds and concentrate on having some fun together without the worry of relationship talk.Your WW though,she needs to really end it once and for all with this OM.There is no weaning allowed.She must go cold turkey.And,because she has contacted the OM again,she has set herself way back.I am sure she already knows this if she is reading here.

Ok,take some deep breaths,get back on that wagon and be kind to one another.

O

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>