Well to you familar with my deal...everything has been great for 2 months now...but former WW asked me to go out with friends tonight and I gave her a yes with a curfew of 12:30...but told her what a big deposit it would be to my LB if she showed up early...she's at a club with a few co-workers and if she is late I want to handle this well...there is a card here waiting for her and I hope this will built trust, not knock it down more. Thanks.

Well...she just called me...at 12;30am she's says she is at that club....did'nt want to come home yet and didn't want to talk about it....but would be calling me when she left. She sounded like ther was more to this...????

WB, don't read anything into this till you see her.

I would like to give her a little "pep talk" though.

Jen

Maybe I messed up...I called the club...instead of her cell phone. I have never been to this place...it's close to her work...35 miles from here. I asked the bar tender for her using ww name...she yells it out and says yes she is there but can't come behind bar to talk...I then ask if she is with a guy? And cescribed the OM....she yelled to the guy...and he gave me his name...Dave S....I know the name, he is head of security where she works....bartender hangs up...wife calls be back...says "now I'm Fing mad"....don't call me. How do things just keep messing up?

Well...it's now 2;20 am...and I sit here. I love her...but what's my next move? I've been prayer to be patient and at peace...all she had to do was
honor our time aggreement to build trust.

WB, I have nothing to add except I'd like to shake your wife till her teeth rattle.

Please don't do that though. I'm speaking purely out of frustration and don't condone violence of any sort.

You are going to have to get to the bottom of this. Why does she suddenly find it acceptable to behave like this?

Do you think she would come on the board again?

Jen

I am sitting here, too, and really can't offer you much except my sincere wish that your marriage can recover from what has happened. My affair is over as over 1:30am (see post about where are OW?). I am so relieved, but yet, all these people like yourself are hurting so much.

Hey M1965...if you would have talked to me this morning or yesterday...I was on top of the world!!! We spent last week on vacation and both had a great time. She is on her way home right now...said that it really pissed her off when I phoned her at 11;30....I was thinking that she was most likely on her way home then. Anyhow...she says she was feeling like a "caged animal"... She keeps saying she is sorry....but how much can my love take?

Well,,,,,it's the morning after, things were calm when she came home at 3:26am. But really no more of an excuse than "I'm sorry" over and over and "maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis"....this morning she is just trying to be like nothing happened and I don't know how to react. I think...I don't have much left..

go read my post----your on the list also....

WB,
So now you have your answer. Your W wants to be married but still reserve the right to have single person status in terms of her activities.

What’s happened here is not a trust issue? Especially in light of her recent adulterous activities. At this point why would you think that she deserves your trust anyway? Because she tells you that she does? Right!

Trust is earned and she’s done nothing as of yet to earn it. As for your call to the bar, you shouldn’t apologize at all. She once again broke trust. Of course your first mistake was in agreeing for her to go out to a bar with out you in the first place. If your W needs to do these things with out you then what kind of marriage does she invasion having?

Sorry Bro, as we say in NY, she’s selling woof tickets, BS, crapola! As I once explained to my WW, being an adult entitles her to do anything she wants, with who ever she wants, whenever she wants, but not if she wants to be an adult that’s married to me.

Coach

Who ever wondered if I would come to this board again...well here I am. What kind of pep talk can you offer? Those of you that want to bash me...go right ahead maybe you think I deserve that.

I even confuse myself sometimes...I have no explaination nor excuse for my actions last nite...nor do I think I owe one to anyone. I just wanted to be out with my friends I was having innocent fun (no OM, EA or any CRAP like that!) and did not feel like coming home right then. I do not think that any one person can be everything that you need all the time. I called and told WBoy that I would not be home on time that I was having fun and would be home later...I was HONEST with him and he knew where I was at the whole time.

Is there ANYONE out there on this board who even remotely understands where I may be coming from?? If not can you direct me to a board where there are people who have been on my side of the fence and can offer me a viable solution or some insight to how to come to grips with my thoughts and feelings??

Hi Debbie, you KNOW I've been where you are which is why I'm being tough on you.

WB is in a very fragile place. He wants to trust you, he believes he can trust you but every time you bend the rules a bit all the old insecurity comes back. I was late back from getting a DVD from the store once and my H was in a real state when I got home. I just didn't realise how fragile he was.

I hope you and WB can sort this out. Sorry I said I wanted to make your teeth rattle - it was quite late and WB sounded so worried.

Jen

WBW, WBW, selfish WBW.

I remotely understand where you're coming from. More than remotely. I completely understand.

Is your desire to have fun and be independent right now more important than working on your M? Are you giving WB the old, "at least I'm here" routine? I don't want to accuse you of this. You guys haven't been here much lately that I've seen, and I wouldn't want to assume this one incident represents some crummy attitude you have all the time. But right or wrong, WB's feelings are his feelings, and it would be nice to see some sensitivity from you. Like I said, not trying to whack you. But you haven't said anything to indicate your commitment to your M, just complaints about needing to have fun without WB.

Good luck, WBW. I'd like to hear more from you. Thanks,

GC

Hey Nikko....which post are you speaking of? Yes...you love them...anf give some space to let your trust have a chance to build and then....it leaves you wondering.... I had the thought that she would return early...I had 2 cards waiting and a little gift. Sometimes...maybe the reality is I'll not have the marriage I once had or maybe...I didn't but thought I did? If that makes sense. Anyhow, thanks to all. Welderboy. Former betrayed spouse...now CS...crazy spouse/confused spouse thats full of love.

WB, this one:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031678

Thanks Graycloud, what a story. Nikko, I hope that the list...means you are praying for us.I will include you in my prayers...so are a truly special lady.

Any other thoughts or advice for me or Mrs. WB?

Welderboy - You and your wife need to go out and have fun together. Your wife is right, no one can meet all of their spouses emotional needs. However, given your history, WW needs to connect to female friends, and not at a bar.

Mrs. WB,

I thought I would take a shot at answering your post. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Who ever wondered if I would come to this board again...well here I am. What kind of pep talk can you offer? Those of you that want to bash me...go right ahead maybe you think I deserve that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if you deserve bashing, but let me ask you was all of your fun worth the pain you put your H through? Do you think your behavior was alright? Do you think your H should NOT have triggers when you break your word?

I am not going to bash you, I would sort of like to know what you feel is acceptable behavior during rebuilding of your marriage. I am confused.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I even confuse myself sometimes...I have no explaination nor excuse for my actions last nite...nor do I think I owe one to anyone. I just wanted to be out with my friends I was having innocent fun (no OM, EA or any CRAP like that!) and did not feel like coming home right then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So let me see, what I think you are saying is that you want to do what you want to do, and you really don't want to consider anyone else. Having fun with your friends tops your H's feelings, although he understood you enough to say yes with ONE condition, you do what you agreed to do.

But, I guess that condition was too much. Fun was more important.

Just a question, has it occured to you, that your H has not healed from your betrayal of him? Has it occured to you that he does NOT have a heart of stone, but rather one that is a bit messed up right NOW? Has it occured to you that he actually may really NEED to be able to trust you and want to trust you?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think that any one person can be everything that you need all the time. I called and told WBoy that I would not be home on time that I was having fun and would be home later...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so glad to hear that you called. I suppose what you are saying is that no matter what you promised, those promises are indeed second in your mind if a good time is available. Am I correct or am I missing something very critical here? Seriously, Mrs. WB, when you read what you wrote what does it sound like to you? I am very curious about this.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was HONEST with him and he knew where I was at the whole time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, I cannot contain a smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is good. You were honest with him, that you broke your promise. He already had that part figured out. Sort of like a coach yelling at me in HS that I was slow, when I finished last in a wind sprint. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yet, he never told me how to get faster.

So now that you have been "HONEST" with him, how is he to believe anything you agree to do?? I am very curious as to how you expect him to handle your brand of honesty.

Yes, he knew where you were the whole time, or at least most of the time, but he did NOT know who you were with. He did not know which men you were having fun with. He did NOT know if you would leave with one of them. After all you arrived home at 3:30 and the last time he talked with you was...? You had plenty of time to do WHATEVER you decided to do because it was fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You were NOT calling him and updating him either, but most of all you were NOT with him.

I realize if you read this that you have read the rest of this thread. Did it bother you that he had planned something for you when you got home, (cards and stuff)? I am guessing but I think it was sort of a celebration for passing a milestone. I am guessing that milestone was that he had healed enough to trust you. I guess he was premature with his celebration of his emotional health.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there ANYONE out there on this board who even remotely understands where I may be coming from?? If not can you direct me to a board where there are people who have been on my side of the fence and can offer me a viable solution or some insight to how to come to grips with my thoughts and feelings?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, many here can understand where you are coming from. You just won't necessarily like it much. But for us to understand and help you and offer a viable solution we need to hear from you what your "thoughts and feels" really are.

Seriously we cannot help you, until we hear what it is you need help with.

You see you are right you can do anything you want. But what you have NOT factored in is if these things include excluding your H, and then not doing what you agree to do, then you do hurt him. There is no way around this. It is true in any marriage whether or not there has been an affair. People get emotionally hurt when someone they care for alot tells them they are less important than ANY of their friends.

So I think you will get alot of advice and perhaps understanding when you come here and articulate what your "thoughts and feelings" are. I sure hope you will do this.

God Bless,

JL