Thanks Nikko
enjoy your meeting.
Maybe I am just in a poor me state of mind.
I am going to bed. It is 2 am here in australia. I will check in tomorrow when I get up.

Your story does inspire me because I have followed your posts over the years. If you can do it hopefully so can I. I am just not going to pretend anymore. I am going to work for the relationship I want.

No more pretending for me
C&S

thanks K----not dropping in---im here everyday!! allways have been. LOL i saw the posts you've made to bob and you are right on! i hope he is reading this and listening!!!lol

confused---you can do this. i know you can

shmaley---we all feel like you do in the beginning. it took what seemed like forever to get through it. the pain is as vivid today as then. it doesnt hurt the same but i remember it well.

confused.....im sure we missed each other..but good morning! you can do this. write out what you want and we will work on it together.

today is my ys(8) football tournament. last year they were undefeated. so everyone is gunnng for them. kids football from 8 am to 7 pm....LOL. we do have breaks so hubby packed up his homework from harley and his other counselor and is bringing it with him.(WOOOHHHOOO) he hasnt done as much of it as he should have but its up to him. i wish he had dove into it, but then, he wouldnt be my hubby!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> he is doing it and he is trying so i will support him and let him know i appreciate it.

ok--i will be home later, have a good day all.

bump.......

Nikko, what a beautiful message. While it's hard to imagine a worse pain than D-Day I suppose contributing to a child's D-Day would be devastating. I have also been here quite awhile as lurker and then member. It doesn't get much better here either and maybe I'm getting to a certain point as well. As Top-Ropes signature suggests "don't shelter someone from the consequences of their decisions". And I guess that is what you're husband (and my W) needed. The personal growth part is encouraging. After all we're the only ones we can control. This is a timely post for many of us sagging here. God Bless.

dear WOE---good to hear from you, how are you doing? i pray things are well.

i am seeing him slip a little with the homework from harley and his IC. he will have to answer for that....i am trying to stay positive and SEE the good things. it is hard at times but i will stay positive....also if he slows and/or stops...he will have the next separation conversation with our son alone...he can explain it himself.

nikko, I'm hanging in there. Problem is W just doesn't get the damage of an EA. 2 1/2 yrs. after ONS she is still in weekly contact. The message that sends everyday is; I'm not worth giving up the OM for. As anyone here well knows that is not an acceptable way to heal. I continue with IC and have grown alot. Your message about the effect on children is very powerful and makes me realize this is a delicate situation because of how much is at stake. I get beat up around here sometimes for being such a doormat. And while that is true I can rationalize it by knowing that I am doing everything in my power to keep those 3 kids safe and in two parent family. But I understand what you are saying about limits. You just know when you've had enough and it becomes a reality check for the FWS. That probably is what W needs I'm just not sure how to deliver it. But again it is nice to hear that you're still in the fight. I get discouraged as to how many marriages don't get past this. Take care.

Hi nikko!

Man, the things it takes some people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hope true recovery is next for your family.

I heard from a former MBer who got DV'd over a year ago that I keep in contact with. His W asked him why he doesn't ever call her unless it's in answer 2 her calling him. He wanted 2 say "we've been DV'd over a year. Why would I want 2?"

When my W and I were out of state at her grandparent's old home (she owns now), she asked me "I don't understand why you wouldn't want 2 come visit, even with a new GF, if we get DV'd" (in reference 2 a comment I think I made 2 her over 2 years ago). Similar answer: "if we DV now, it'll be because we couldn't overcome your A. Why would I want 2 come back here and subject my hypothetical partner 2 the memory of that?" I didn't say anything, though. There've been a number of such "discussions" lately - all about stuff we argued about 2 years or so ago. Strange how "personal recovery" works for some.

I posted a remark about the kids and DV thang on the despicable mllc thread. But they're not likely 2 ever come back (2 busy jumping each other's illegitimate, irrational bones), so I'll paraphrase here, because my W said something about "older kids doing okay after DV".

And that is, most of the people that try 2 justify their desire for a DV try 2 minimize the effects on the kids by saying "oh, they're so young it won't affect them", or "kids 17 and older are more resilient" (my W's exact words this past weekend), or "kids will be much less affected by their parents' DV than if they stay M'd and miserable."

Bottom line, being miserable is a choice. I choose not 2 be miserable, but I could always use some help. Occasionally, I get it from my W. I can get great help from things my kids say/do, but it's not all the time. Mostly, I need 2 make the choice not 2 be miserable, then not be miserable, and then observe the effects, limited though they may be, on those around me. These days, it's my W I'm observing most of the time, but not always.

I do well when comments like "I hate life" (said this morning because she couldn't find a video she needed) don't bother me 2 much. Ac2ally, THAT one required a certain level of intestinal 4ti2de 2 keep from bursting out laughing. It isn't really funny if simple misplacements like that can destroy her whole day.

Life doesn't suck, necessarily. But it sure can be strange sometimes.

-ol' 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My dear Nikko,

3 years.... has it really been that long? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Good to hear from you. So the 'something' snapped, eh? Knew it would. Just a matter of when. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well if it takes this to help him really heal, then great. Sorry it took it's toll on you and your family. U know the ropes.... give your chldren the reassurance that mom is there for them. Dad will eventually show up. He will have lost some points with the children that he may never be able to recover but he can make his future better for all of you.

Sorry to hear it also had to take you to it's limits. Sure understand how that c/b. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anymore new recipes? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for sharing your story. I can see how it is helping many.

Hugz,
L.

dear 2long--my old buddy.....i have followed you through the years and just want to shake your wife at times!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (im sure you know the feeling...)lol

the stuff they say still amazes me 3 yrs into this....hang tough and i will continue to pray for you and yours. you are a wonderful person and your strength and patience has kept me going on more than one occasion! thank you.

orchid....another dear old friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...yeah, can ya believe its almost three years! i still remember that first night i posted....that was bad. you and redhat saved me at that time. thank you. you were amazing and compassionate and kept me going also. thank you.

i hope this does inspire some, i dont know how it will turn out but i am continuing on...one day at a time.....

Nikko...please post an update on how you and your H are doing. I hope he is still making the progress! As you may remember my H and I weren't able to hide alot of what was going on from our children...watching the effect on them was horrible. My little guy was 4 at the time of dday and his telling me he saw them kissing was what lead to dday. To this day even after 2 years of good recovery...if we even raise our voices at each other the slightest bit he steps in...sad but it works like a charm on us every time! You just want so badly for your kids not to ever experience anything as painful as this but I am hopeful that watching the good parts of recovery have taught them a valuable lesson.

I believe that my children have realized that even good people screw up but that when good people do screw up if they do the hard work to repair the damage they can live an even stronger, better, happier life.

My FWH was truly worried for a long time that what he did might have damaged our kids beyond repair. SH and our IC told us that they felt that this would end up a a sad but good lesson for our kids and now with 2 years past and with the pain in the past...I believe they were right!

dear forever---first off sorry it took so long to see this! recovery is still moving along. we are still counseling with steve(anyone thinking of this---DO IT!!!)and hubby is in individual. he is making huge strides. we are learning to meet each others needs in ways we both never did. it is hard work and everyday! our sons are doing great---youngest is feeling comfortable enough to say eeewwwwww again when we kiss too much!

i am at d-day time of year again and its still hard. husband is conscious of it this time around and trying to ease it for me. we talk easier and discuss things like we never did before.

all in all we are moving along. i still have some down days but less and less. he still feels guilty when i do and i try to ease that for him. doing this was the hardest thing in my life ive had to do---but i did it and we are working through it. it can be done!

Great update Nikko
You don't know how happy it makes me hear to hear that your h is continuing to have counseling and being active in your marriage. It inspires me.

I just saw this and read my posts to you. I almost feel embarrased as I remember he night and I really was feeling pretty low that night. But the feelings I expressed were certainly how I was feeing.

However, though not quite the turn around that you and your H have had, my H has actually read a relationship book, (dr Phil's and done exercises). This was actually promised over three years ago when we decided to reconcile as a promise made to me if I would take him back. So he has at last carried through on that promise and that is huge for me. He is trying.

Little steps. And I have to admit we did do a bit of counseling early on. Another thing he is doing that has imptroved is not telling me I am crazy for having my own feelings. He now says I understand. That is an improvement.

Thanks for taking the time with me that night. You helped me at a low time.
C&S

dear C&S---great to hear it--as i re-read that thread i knew your pain so well. i am glad to hear you and hubby are making small steps. now keep encouraging hm along the way!

keep me posted on how your doing......i would love to hear it!

Dear Nikko:

...coincidences are sometimes striking. I just posted on the recovery forum about my H being very inconsiderate on his business trip. And right after that I come across your thread: how you made H leave and tell the kids (our OS is 8 and very sensitive). And how you had a great outcome and true recovery after that.

Thank you Nikko. I am very concerned about hurting our son, but I am thinking now about having H's suitcases packed in front of the door when he returns from his trip Wednesday...
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />