Hi all:

I just finished reading the article by Dr. Harley on Plan A and Plan B. He states that separation is sometimes permanent and that 20-25% of separated marriages end in divorce or permanent separation - ("out of sight, out of mind").

I have not seen my WH since he left last week. He has called to "chat" and see how I'm doing, but does not want to talk about reconciliation. He also said he was in "break up mode with me and not merely taking a "break." Some of you have read my story on this post. I want my husband back, but when I read this article I became fearful that he may not come back.

My husband is avoiding seeing me, so I am fearful that he is trying to make our separation permanent. I am hurting and don't know where to begin. I can't implement plan A as my husband has no desire to talk about his actions, and Plan B would lead us to further isolation and not ever seeing each other.

What do I do now? I'm hurting and confused!!

What do you do now?

You work on you. Take the opportunity that you have and do things for yourself. I know how hard it is....been through it 3 times....but with him out of the house most of the drama is gone and it's much easier to focus on yourself.

If he happens to call just to "chat"....then do just that....no relationship talk. He's obviously not trying to avoid you completely.

All WS's think they are in break up mode when they move out....otherwise they wouldn't go anywhere. It's also a way for them to avoid the BS and not have to "deal" with the problem.

The first thing you really need to do is to try not to focus on what your H is now doing, thinking or anything else. Very hard....but will help tremendously.

You CAN implement plan A....or any other plan even though your H isn't there. It starts with working on yourself....things you would like to change.....working on not needing to talk about your relationship and so on....because your H isn't going to listen to that right now.

I don't know your whole story.....but I don't think that from this post that you yourself are ready for Plan B just yet.

you can't do plan B without doing plan A...

you can do plan A with him being out of the home..but it is true that moving out makes it harder to do...but perhaps easier on you...

I want my husband back, but when I read this article I became fearful that he may not come back.

yep, no garuntees...so let go of focusing on him...


so you plan a from afar..

he calls you sound upbeat happy...
what tone does he expect...sad hopeless withdrawn...be upbeat...

infact next time he calls be too BUSY to talk...before he gets more than a hello out say ..

oh it's you...look I'm right in the middle of something....call me later ok....hang up..

get his attention....
and wait for him to call back...it may not even be right away...but he will...

what he expects is you home pining and moping...

what are the logistics?
Is he going to come get his mail...
those are great plan a opportunities...

clean warm inviting house...
music in the background...
something delicious cooking in the back ground...

do you have children at home....

is he going to see them?

no begging no pleading...

ask him questions he doesn't expect...

he expects to be asked are you coming home..

instead..
ask him how he's sleeping...
or if he's feeling good...
etc...

certainly can plan a...

ARK

Thanks for the replies. This is our second time separating this year. He moved out in February and was back in our house in 3 weeks. He has been home up until last week, August 18th. The apartment he rented in February was still available as one of his other friends left his wife in March and moved conveniently into the apartment and sublet it from my husband. When my H moved back in we discussed cancelling the 6 months lease on the apartment. It turned out that it was cheaper to pay the apartment every month than to cancel the lease due to the penalites. That is why the apartment was available for his friend. So, when H left last week, he moved back into the same apartment and he friend, who by the way did not return to his wife, moved to anothet apartment.

Yes, I agree it is a time to work on myself, and there has been less drama since he moved out. We have two teenage daughters, who he sees at least once a week but calls them on their cell phones everyday. The girls were very upset about his leaving the house AGAIN this year. He told them it would be the last time he would do this to them, and that he tried to give the marriage "one more chance" and it did not work, so he was movingn out.

I did tell him the day he was moving that we should just file for divorce and be done with each other. These are words that I now regret saying as he is hanging on these words and moving forward with total separation. He is coming back the weekend to get more of his things.

I will implement Plan A, but it is difficult to think that he will not ever come back - and I realize there are no guarantees, but I a least want to give him some space to think about reconciling?

Miss Priss - thanks for your thoughts on the break up issue. I saw you stats at the end of your post - it is encouraging that you and your H are reconciling after separating 3 times, as this is round 2 for me.

Helps me to stay encourage.

Ark: I am taking your advice and sounding upbeat when he calls. How long can/should I keep this up? He will think I am just "faking it" and not want to come back for that reason. He does see our girls at least once a week. Thanks for the advice on Plan A.

I like the feedback from all of you on this MB website - it keeps me encouraged by hearing and sharing with others who are on the same path. Thanks much

Miss Priss is right on!
My WS is out of the house also and I have been trying to implement Plan A this way. Not easy but doable. The others are right this is a time to work on ourselves. In a way this is really the core of Plan A because if the changes you are makeing to implement Plan A are not permenant then you are in a way "faking it". It is really a time of change.
I have resigned to fact that I am going to have to learn to cook. Domestic resp. is a big EN of my WW. If I start to cook every other night then it will eventually become part of me. Right now I hate to cook. Another example is going to be working out for better physical appearence. Kill two birds with one stone here. By keeping myself in good shape I will feel less depressed and I will gradually begin to better satisfy one of her EN's.
Pretty new at this stuff but I think I am figuring some of it out. I hope the elders will let me know If I am off track here.
KEEP PLAN Aing!