<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Oh yeah I have had that problem! No family or friends have the guts to say anything negative to my WW. Even the ones who said they would chickened out when talking with her. Her girlfriends said, well she seems happy. My wife is a fronter and will present happiness no matter what. She is completely miserable now months later. So yeah, don't count on in-laws to have your back, or his friends. He will have to come to his senses on his own. I don't understand. If I had done this to my wife my parents would be on my a$$ to go back to her and save my M. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

I've had mixed. WWs sisters are both horrified ather. Older S hugged me and swore to help "talk her out of her daftness" when she gets back off holiday.

Other S not happy but won't get involved.

Good friends don't like A but frightened to say anything.

Other friends say " she's just our same old WW" in utter denial. * sigh*

I guess relatives & friends are just another constituency of folks in this mess whose actions we can't control.

I thought I had support from her family for a while, but it turns out that they won't talk to me anymore because WS thinks I'm manipulating them. She has their full supprot now, and I've heard OM will soon be introduced into the family. Excuse me, I'm going to go throw up now...

One of the most sobering lessons for me in all this has been to realise how quickly people get out of their depth when friends are in serious emotional difficulties. In general they're not comfortable with situations where they're being asked to comprehend a complex personal problem, and to interface with someone who is not in a state of emotional control. There seems to be strong pressure for the needy person to show a brave face and make the friend feel comfortable. So in a separation situation, I think supportiveness tends to go with the partner who makes it 'easiest' on the friends.

I know that I've been surprised by the reactions of people. My oldest friend hasn't even acknowledged the problem; although I've written her twice, she's never mentioned the subject in her letters back. My parents went immediately into childish 'Divorce! Divorce!' mode and haven't been able to support me in any meaningful way. H's family simply act as if nothing has happened at all. Only one friend - in his seventies - has shown the life experience and wisdom to be able to talk about my situation objectively.

At times I wonder if people think infidelity is contagious and they'll catch if if they're around me.

TA

I've come to realize the truth in the old adage that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. When I look back now at my stbx's family, I wonder in amazement that I didn't link the two. I thought he was above them and pitied him for coming from such a pathetic family. Stupid me couldn't see the forest for the trees. He turned out just as they are!

Now people at church is another subject. I wonder why they so blantly believe someone who has a history of lying, cheating, and alcoholism. I was even chided for asking for prayer for what we were living through. I was told I had no idea what alcoholism is and I lived with a man who drank a 1/5th a day, suffered from black outs and was hospitalized for an overdose! I think they believed what they wanted to believe in the beginning and were too proud to admit they were wrong. Sad. Sad for them.

I love my daughter more than life itself but if I learned that she was having an affair, I would clearly tell her that it was not accepted and I would not support her in the furtherance of the relationship. I don't call loving your child, accepting immoral behavior-quite the contrary.

In the end, we're all responsible for our own behavior. I will stand accountable to God for my life and my life alone. It doesn't do anyone any good, to let the actions of others control us. I know that's easier said than done but it's the truth.

In my case its a bit twisted. My father's family (grandmother and assorted cousins but all very close) condemned him outright from the very first D-day. His grandmother told him, "Whatever you do, do not ever bring that woman to my house."

But his mother? My grandmother? She had the OW in her home and gave her gifts. Homemade quilts and stuff. We found this out after our final d-day.

So I don't know about the apple falling from the tree. My father's family has always been firm on the issue of his A....except for his mother. Needless to say my grandmother is no longer a welcome member of our family. We're all traveling to Atlanta for Thanksgiving and she was not invited. I doubt if I will ever speak to her again. I have no need for her as I believe she is a truly demented soul. I believed it before this revelation about her invovlement in the A - and that only confirmed it.

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Juke,

Same happened to me. At first, I felt uneasy about exposing, but then I did and his family said that they are going to talk to him, were really upset about all this. Not one word was ever said. That's okay though. I understand and I regret having said and exposed it and I would probably never do it again.


Kati

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

The pain of an A is certainly multiplied by the lack of support from family and friends but in my case especially for my In-Laws. In the almost 5 months since D-Day I have heard from my FIL one time, but only in answer to my own email. His reason for not writing or calling was that "there are allegations on both sides of the story". I sent him a picture of my "allegation" but have not heard anything in return.BTW my FIL is a serial adulterer who is involved with at least one woman as I write. My MIL ,who we took in to our home after the latest A by my FIL came to light, I have not heard from. She suffered a nervous breakdown at that time and I had to break into their home to get her naked screaming body admitted into a mental hospital. During this time FIL was 150 miles away " working" and unable to get away.

At this time my MIL is taking care of my WW after she had some surgery. My WW is telephoning and IM messaging and emailing the OM right in front of her. So much for parental condemnation of their child's amoral behavior. FIL is presently back in Arizona " visiting his sister". BTW FIL just bought a house in Phoenix to hide his paramour.

No the nut does not fall far from the tree!

I have considered exposing it, but although my proof is pretty convincing, it is in fact NOT rock solid, so on the 1% chance I was wrong, I hate to go around exposing him. ...

It really bothers me that there is no condemnation, no disapproval, at all, from either family or friends.
If they don't know what's going on how can they disapprove of anything?

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

They do not disapprove because they have nothing to disapprove of.
You need to let everyone know about his affair.

Now once this is done they still may not disapprove or show disapproval of anything.

Don't press the issue. Simply let everyone know why he left. Don't try to get them to "side" with you/against him. IF you do, you will be the "bad guy".