As of this week OMW is aware of affair.. LEt me tell the story.
I was approached by a private investigator(OM and OMW hired) and told that he wished no more contact with me. I assume OM has turned the whole story around that the contact we have had has been harrassing to him(Never mind the fact that I have tried NC three times which all ended up in contact again). I do not know exactly what he has told his W- nor should I care but I do not want my name trashed. I know, I know- I got myself in this situation by having the affair but have also came out with the truth to my H months ago. I have wanted his wife to find out- my H even called OM to tell him to end contact. I FEEL LIKE s**t as well as I probley should...
My H is hurting and I want to do everything I can to be there and show him he is the most important thing. I do not want to worry about OM and his W and what they will say but I know she probley does not know the WHOLE story or I wonder since the PI was involved did the whole truth have to come out. He had some facts that I know only OM knew and would have to share with him. THis is all so overwhelming. WHY DID I GET INTO THIS? I hope God puts the oppurtunity in front of me to help another NOT to have an affair. This has damaged so much.
Does anyone have any bible verses regarding God's forgiveness of sin and turning your life around? I want to feel good about myself again and get past this as well as my husband healing from this.
I know my actions have got me here but I want to get past here and not let this destroy the person I know I am.
Guilty 22

Hi Guilty22,

I can tell from your post that you are sorry about the A and the aftermath that you and your H are dealing with right now... What I don't know is whether or not your sorrow is godly sorrow, or worldly sorrow...

2 Corinthians 7:10-11 says... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness , what eagerness to clear yourselves , what indignation , what alarm , what longing , what concern , what readiness to see justice done . At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mentioned several times that you want to "feel good" about yourself again and get past this... and you want your H to get past this as well... It is possible to feel good about yourself again, but it's going to take alot of ACTIONS from you to prove to your H that you have repented of your sins and have turned away from them.

I'll be very blunt with you, your words won't mean a thing to your H right now. The very nature of an A is based on lies. It will take lots of consistent actions over a long (several months to several years) period of time to earn your H's trust again.

As far as the PI, the OM & OM's W... they are not your concern. Your H and your M are. Stop worrying about what she thinks, or what the OM thinks... as long as you spend any time thinking or worrying about the OM, the OM's W, the PI, or what they are "up to"... then you are just twisting the knife that's in your husband's back. Let your pride go and focus on rebuilding your M.

Are you and your H in marriage counseling? If not, that is the best advice that I can give you... Find a good Christian MC and start going. Both of you are hurting so much right now and you need a professional MC to guide you as you start rebuilding your M.

A great book that really helped my W and I was Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder.... You might want to get a copy of this book and read it with your H. It will explain many of the feelings that you both are experiencing.

God WILL forgive you... I hope that your H will be able to as well.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I wanted to also say... we are all "guilty" of sin... if you are a believer, and have asked Christ to forgive you, then you are forgiven...

You might want to change your screen name to something else...

say, Forgiven22 ...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

You asked for scriptural references re forgiveness and turning your life around. How about my favorite:

“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver from evil.”

Works every time. Guaranteed. But you have to mean it.

T

PS: Weekends can be slow. Hang on for a couple of days and you will probably get more responses.

guilty,

On your subject of forgiveness, if you ask it of our Lord in a true and honest manner, it is guaranteed by scripture.

As to the forgiveness of your BS, look around the forum a bit. There are a LOT of BH's out there. I would bet if you asked them before the A was discovered, " Could you forgive your wife an infidelity" the majority would have given you an emphatic NO! But like me, we find that there is forgiveness in almost all BS's. All you have to do is ask and have your subsequent actions reinforce your request. Expect to spend at least the same portion of effort that you used to desecrate your vows to be applied to your M and guess what?..... forgetting will follow.

I pray for you and your loving husband on your long journey. It will be incredibly difficult and filled with pitfalls. But on the other hand, is there anything of true value ever gained without an inordinate amount of effort being applied?? I think not.

Thanks for the replys.
I have asked for forgiveness and feel the Lord has given it to me. I feel with my failed attempts at NC and now the "blowup" were repeated sins and do wish I would have stuck with NC the first time. I am not the person the affair turned me into. I see people here talking about "fog" talk and can see myself in that. Regarding the worldly sorrow and godly sorrow- Yes I can see myself described in the worldly sorrow but I do have Godly soorow- I hate myself for not letting it go the first time after I was forgiven.
I wake up and now and spend much time during the day in a "anxious" state- I want this to be behind me- I want my husband to be happy again- happy with me and our marraige.
I appreciate everyone responding-We need your prayers!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have asked for forgiveness and feel the Lord has given it to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your feelings will change. Don't base God's forgiveness on your feelings... Accept His forgiveness and don't let your feelings get in the way...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF- Thank you for your thoughts. A question for you and all other BH- I know there are no words to makethings better right now. What has helped you all heal and move past this? What is my H thinking/feeling right now? I know he is hurt/betrayed but what else?
To all BH/BW out there- I know I was not the OP in your case but I am sorry for the pain the As have caused. My selfish actions that I thought would only have consequences for me have hurt so many.
Is there a chance I will respect myself again?

RIF- Thank you for your thoughts. A question for you and all other BH- I know there are no words to makethings better right now. What has helped you all heal and move past this? What is my H thinking/feeling right now? I know he is hurt/betrayed but what else?
To all BH/BW out there- I know I was not the OP in your case but I am sorry for the pain the As have caused. My selfish actions that I thought would only have consequences for me have hurt so many.
Is there a chance I will respect myself again?

Hi G22, (I still think you should change your screen name... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A question for you and all other BH- I know there are no words to makethings better right now. What has helped you all heal and move past this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">* Find a good pro-marriage MC and start going immediately, even if your H won't go with you.
* If your A became physical, get a full STD & Aids test asap, regardless of how long the last contact was... and tell your H that you are sorry for putting his and your health at risk.
* Do what you say you will do, no matter how "insignificant" it may seem... If you say you'll take out the garbage at 7:00 am, take it out at 7:00 am... not 7:30. Your H is looking for your actions to match your words...
* NEVER ask these questions: "Can't we just move past all of this?", or "Can't you just trust me?"
* Recognize what a sacrifice your H is making in working through your A, and being willing to rebuild the M.
* Tell your H often that you are sorry... He'll let you know if/when it's "too much"...
* Thank your H for his willingness to rebuild the M with you...
* Don't take your H for granted.
* If you notice that your H is "down" or just "not himself", go to him and hold him...
* Try to answer your H's questions as honestly as possible. If you know that your answer will be painful for him, let him know in advance and ask him if he's sure that he wants to hear the answer... Any attempts to "protect" his feelings will just stall your rebuilding process...
* Be patient with your H...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know he is hurt/betrayed but what else?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">* He's probably scared
* Embarrassed
* Humiliated
* Confused
* Unsure of himself
* Lonely (in that he has no one to talk with about all of this...)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is there a chance I will respect myself again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />


I'm sure there are many other things that you can do... Just recognize that this isn't going to be an "easy" process... It will take lots of hard work from both of you to rebuild your M. But it can be done. Find a good MC and start as soon as possible...

Hope this has helped...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF-
Okay- it is changed! My H and I are in MC- it is hard for him to go at times. I think he is somewhat like you (avoiding the conflict) but he has attended some sessions. Thay are hurtful to him- I think hearing what has happened. I haven't exposed too much details to him- he doesn't want to know. I haven't even told him about the PI- anytime my husband has asked about contact with OM I have been honest with him. I just felt like telling him about the PI would only hurt- there was no contact with OM directly. I have come close to telling him several times but stop- I feel it is a detail he would not want to know. Maybe I am wrong here. His reactions seem so delayed as far as questions he has asked but then again my full/truthful story has come in bits and pieces to him. I try to hide my withdrawl and sadness from him as he hurts when he sees this and I do not want him to think I want OM. Unfortunately I have trouble not caring what OM and OMW think of me- I KNOW it shouldn't matter and I shouldn't care but I have hurt them as well. I know as it has been said it is my pride I need to let go of here in this matter.
We are seeing a Christian C who is very pro- marriage. What is constantly brought up to me is that I do not let go of my guilt- that I hold onto it to punish myself? and in turn hurt my husband. Part of me wants to make this right- to end a different way but I have to tell myself that NC was the only way. My close friends do not need to be males but females to eliminate any risk of A happening. As I have learned- they happen so quick and seem to start so innocent but destroy so much.
RIF- how has your wife learned to like herself again- to let go of OM? Your post helped- it does echo some of what my husband has said.
God has forgiven me, my H says he has forgiven me, now I need to forgive me

Hi Forgiven22! (Love that new name!)

Rebuilding your M is a process... it will take you and your H some time to process all of the emotions and feelings that you are dealing with...

I'm glad that you are willing to tell your H everything... If your H tells you that he doesn't want to "hear" something or some detail, you should respect his wish, but please, please, let him know that if at anytime in the future, he changes his mind, that you will be willing to tell him... Just being willing to answer his questions will really help him.

My W dribbled out the details of her A's in bits and pieces... and it really slowed our rebuilding process down. Again, provide as much information as your H wants/needs... be as open and honest as you can be with your answers. If your answer is going to be really painful, warn your H ahead of time and ask him if he really wants to hear the answer. If he says he does, then tell him and don't hold back... You will only hurt him more if you try to "protect" his feelings. He needs to hear the truth.

Thankfully, for us, we moved back to the states after all of my W's A's... so NC was not a problem with us. My W still deals with the pain of knowing that she hurt our M...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how has your wife learned to like herself again- to let go of OM? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I try to build her up as much as I possibly can. I don't hold any of her A's over her head. I compliment her... I tell her that I'm proud of her... I know that she still has the pain of knowing just how much she hurt our M, and I try to let her know that I've forgiven her with my actions...

It will take your H some time to get to this point, but if you are both committed to rebuilding your M, he can do it...

Regardless of your H's actions, you must realize that God does forgive you and that He loves you... For now, take comfort in His love and His forgiveness... work on rebuilding your M, and your H's love and forgiveness will return.

Please let your H know that you are both in my prayers...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

^

^

Hey Forgiven,

How are you doing?...

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Awful!
I had IC today- I realize more and more the impact of what I have done. I hate what I have done to my H and also hate to think what OMW must think of me.
My H and I are going away for a week- I asked if he was looking forward to it. His comment was "I really don't look forward to anything right now". I wonder if we should still go?
I feel so anxious, so sad, so scarred....

oops- double post!

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: forgiven22 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I realize more and more the impact of what I have done. I hate what I have done to my H and also hate to think what OMW must think of me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, I'm sure that there are many BS here who would LOVE to hear their WS say this... You are doing great!

Rebuilding your M is a process... Your H is most likely several months behind you. Keep this in mind as you interact with him. You might feel as if things "should" be better... that by this point in time, "we" should be able to move on... It will take some time for him to catch up with you. Give him time...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His comment was "I really don't look forward to anything right now". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like something I would have said early on in our rebuilding process... The best thing that you can do for your H is to let him know that you are comitted to rebuilding your M... He needs reassurance from you... Don't assume that he knows your comittment to him and the M... tell him, and tell him often.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wonder if we should still go?
I feel so anxious, so sad, so scarred....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go and enjoy yourself with your H... and I'm pretty sure your H feels many of the same feelings that you are feeling... remember, you are BOTH in this rebuilding process TOGETHER !

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Dear Forgiven,

I hope that you will keep working with your IC even if it is hard. I think that working with an IC has really helped my WH change so he will not be the same person, not the kind of person who would have an A instead of facing his problems. I think that as he feels he is a different person, his pain lessens. I wish you well in that.

As for helping your BH, please be honest when he asks you questions. Don't think you are protecting him by lying to him. Lying about details held our recovery back.

Also don't forget to say the obvious things to your H. It meant a lot to me when my WH said that he regretted the affair. he thought it was too obvious to say but nothing is too obvious to a BS who doesn't know what is true anymore.

Good luck

Gillian, BS 36
WH, 38
PA 11/1/03-12/18/03
d-day 1 12/18/03
d-day 2 7/7/04 (details of PA and EA 1996-?)