Hello Board....I believe I'm at a critical point in the MB principles. It may be WW-imposed anxiety, but I think I need some help. I will be calling Penny tomorrow (1st time) because I can't call from the ship. Forgive the length of my post.

I posted before that I may have "fallen off" one of the MB principles. I transferred money from one account to another and told my WW that it was there if she decided to go through with the apartment. Friday she did. I did nothing else and made it clear (non LB fashion) that this was her decision. I know it affected her because I received quite a few calls just to talk. Not about reconcilliation, just small talk. About the supposed A being over because OM called it off. Friday she was dressed exceptionally well - something that a 24yr OM would like. "It's casual day today" was her explanation without me asking. I made arrangements and took her to lunch. Plan A in full force. Exceptional lunch. The afternoon was full of "lies". Gotta work a little late; called me at 2:30 saying she'll be home in a little bit but was stopping by the bank to open separate account (stuck to my guns from last week). Time passes, WW not home. Calls around 5:00 saying she was held up in the office, bank line too long, etc. I tossed a subtle "hey, since you're on the 78 freeway, stop by and get a pizza". The sudden "fear" in her voice "I'm not on the 78" and change in demeanor told me otherwise. I didn't take it any further. Plan A tactic.

Fast forward to when she got home. Very upbeat, jovial, etc. Just like three weeks ago before exposure. Took all I had to not LB. I followed Plan A and played like before (no LB, strong, confident, etc.). I did have concerns in my mind because based on her removal of the money, tonight was the discussion about finances.

Later she was avoiding the conversation but I gently eased into it. I tried the separation agreement discussion a couple of weeks ago - shutdown, got nowhere. I've since learned to not even discuss it until she has actually moved out. The finance topic went as I expected. Reality hit her square. WW realizes the results of her decision to move forward with the apartment. Didn't cause any LB, just made sure we had an understanding that my statement of "not paying for any part of the apartment" stuck. Not too mention, her taking some of her own bills. I think the fact that she'll have less money per month than my DD's allowance affected her.

The rest of the night was up/down emotionally for WW. Lot's of 1000 yd stares, confusion, etc. I was a "Plan A poster child". Lots of opportunity to talk, showing a caring environment, etc. It worked. There was quite a bit of EN's tossed her way (primarily conversation and affection). That also worked - can't say enough about the MB philosophy for those reading.

Now my issue. Sorry it took so long but I wanted those "experienced ones" to see where I'm at.

I have duty once again (24 hours on the ship). WW has arranged for DD to be at friends house while WW goes to apartment, receives furniture she bought (her credit at the store - not joint money) and essentially "prepares" her new place. Emotionally WW is a wreck. I called around 10:00 to talk with DD and WW loses it. Crying, barely able to speak, uncertain as to what she's doing and why.....Calls me again around lunchtime. Obviously distraught - but she's at the apartment cleaning it. More Plan Aing.

Some statements..."I don't know what to do"; "I don't want DD to find out"; "Part of me wants to stay but I've just got to know" (she now justifies her desires to move as Anger Management because she feels anger towards me for exposing her A). Essentially, lot's of crying and looking I think for support of her decision. I didn't give her any. Just that "you'll always have a home to come home to" and "I'm here and I've always been here". Create a warm caring environment welcoming/drawing her to it.

Am I Plan Aing too much or too little? I see the reactions and I know it's making an impact.

I do expect to start Plan B sometime this month. I want to have her feel the affects of her decision before I go dark. I'm pretty sure I can handle her coming/going for a couple of weeks if I keep my head/heart separate. Am I misunderstanding Plan B whereas it's a plan to work on myself? I'm beginning to question that because I also believe it's a plan to stick reality right in the face of what WW is doing. Thoughts?

I'm also concerned reading the post Aussie started about the affects on children. FM and others made such perfect sense that I'm deeply worried of the affects and how to handle them.

Sorry board, I'm rambling. So many thoughts, so many options, I'm confusing myself. Maybe I'm trying to damn hard to save my M, stop my WW's destruction and protect my DD from all of this......LS

Am I enabling? I just spoke with WW who is at her apartment. WW says "I give myself 30 days" and "I'm already miserable and I've only been here for a couple hours" and "it's hot here".

I don't say much except things like "I know a wonderful place with dual pane windows" and "I know a place with a comfortable couch".

I sometimes feel that because I'm trying to provide comfort and opportunity to realize her judgment errors that I'm enabling.

I did toss out a statement (when talking about one of my DD's friends mother who let's her emotion take over when her daughter has issues). I said "it's amazing how some people let emotions take over clear thinking". Her response "you nailed it, that's why I'm in here is because I let my emotions take over my clear thinking".

Manipulation or attempt to control the situation.....I don't know and I'm realizing this is hard and requires quick thinking - without constant emotion.......LS

LS -

I think you are doing just fine. It sounds like your wife is already reconsidering her actions.

It is good that you are getting expert counseling. Just keep hanging in there. I think you are on the right path.

I also think you're doing fine. Very fine.

But don't say things like this real often:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsailor:
<strong>I don't say much except things like "I know a wonderful place with dual pane windows" and "I know a place with a comfortable couch".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've made your point all along. Statements like these can be love busters because they can be received as "in your face" or rubbing her nose in it.

Allow her to come to these conclusions herself. In other words, do not deny her the opportunity to crash. I believe she will and she won't need your help. But she will need your safe environment as refuge.

WAT

LS,

Does your DD know about what is going on? She does know your W is moving or has moved out right? Don't lie to your daughter. You don't have to vilify your W, but be honest with your daughter in an age appropriate way.

Meanwhile, plan A when you can, but don't offer advice or commentary. In fact start to withdraw a bit would be my suggestion. She wants her own life, well let her have it. I am sure she will start feeling better when OM reenters the scene and he will.

As for plan B, it is really for you. It is to protect your love for your W for as long as you can. It really is NOT about her, but obviously when you completely withdraw from the battle field she will look around and sort of wonder what happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The reality is that plan B is to help you endure until the A ends, and hopefully you have enough strength to deal with recovery.

You are doing well, but lighten up a bit on the commentary. Plan A is really doing your best to meet their needs, stopping any LB's, and showing her you can and do want her although she has had an A. You cannot change her thinking (such as it is in the fog) and you cannot live her life for her.

You are doing well, settle back and see what happens. This is sort of like fishing, it takes patience, not tooooo much action, constant thought as to the right bait. Unless you are WAT of course, I think he just throws a net overboad and goes for it, right WAT? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>This is sort of like fishing, it takes patience, not tooooo much action, constant thought as to the right bait. Unless you are WAT of course, I think he just throws a net overboad and goes for it, right WAT?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HA!

Not exactly. I only use a net sometimes to catch the bait!

But a fair analogy.

Lostsailor - your bait is in the water, and it's a good bait. The point JL and I are making is that patience is in order. Time is on your side. This is the kind of fishing where the action is in selecting the right bait, putting your rig in the water, and then waiting.

Keep the bait fresh by diligently double checking your Plan A. But don't overdo it - you just end up wasting bait.

You've done everything right so far.

Just remember, it takes time. If we were meant to catch a fish on every cast, they'd call it "catching" rather than fishing.

WAT

Thanks! I needed that. I've since read the posts from several folks who have successfully Plan A'd their M's into something wonderful (of course, I can't find them now and I'm unable to give them credit - but I will!).

I've thought about those posts alot, I was unable to get online yesterday and the responses I got backs up my plans.

It's time to "fish" and I'm not cuttin' bait! I believe the groundwork has been layed down pretty well and it's time to not overthink it, overdo it, or over-rationalize every statement.

The last two days have been very insightful. WW has not moved out yet (although SHE's paying on the apartment). It may (or may not) happen once WW returns from the East coast for the marathon. My DD does not know WW is moving out. WW hasn't taken anything of significance from OUR home. Couple dishes, towels, nitnoid stuff. WW has and continues to concern herself with DD finding out.....DUH! If Mommy isn't here at night, where is she??? I know it's fog and my consistent response is "I am going to be completely honest with you, DD, and everyone else." (Well, except the fact that I have many plans in the works - Plan A, Plan B, MB principles <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). When she travels from the fog and she's ready to commit to the M, I'll be ready with all the tools I've learned here. GOD BLESS MB AND MB POSTERS!

JL, WAT, Believer - thanks for the insight. I will be pulling back and working on myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

......LS