I have been in a very poor Plan B, so poor that I find myself pregnant. I just found out and have told no one. Today WH comes to pick up our DD today and tells me he wants a D. I am so devestated. I thought I might have a chance all along. He said the he is not happy with me and that he gave our M a chance and he wants out.
Now what??
If he doesn't want me and our DD didn't change his mind into staying, then a new baby won't make any changes right? and if it does then he isn't here for the right reasons and eventually he will go running back to B!!!!! OW, which he has continued to see and is perfect (puke. We are going to talk tonight when he brings DD back. If he is serious about the D then I shouldn't give him any more chances right?
I don't want him here just because I am pregnant. That is when the A started when I was pregnant with our D and it has continued except for 6 months when he said he tried, but I didn't know about the A.
Please help me think here. My hormones are making me even more emotional than usual.
HELP!!! I feel so lost and alone

coolduck -

So let me get this right. You were in recovery and got pregnant, and now he is seeing OW again, or he never had NC with OW?

Dear Coolduck,
What a sad place ! Did you conceive this child before you separated ? Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that another child will change his behaviour ? Do you think any marriage is going to work if the child(ren) are the only reason to be together? I don't think it has worked very well for you so far has it?
I can imagine all the internal voices that are telling you that this will/might hold him, but these may be coming from your fear, not from a sense of what is really going on.
You are going to have to get some good support systems in place for you to help over the next year. You are a mother already and you know the demands on you, you can't afford to buckle, your children (born and unborn) need their mother well and coping for their sake as well as her own.
If this WH hasn't got it together yet, it doesn't look too hopeful. More important, how many more years are you going to let him steal the happiness away from you and your children. You and they, deserve so much better.
It might be a good idea to see a lawyer and get some assistance with executing your rights.
Sometimes it is great wisdom to know when to let go...........
Wishing you peace. WA

We were seperated and we took our DD to a theme park for my birthday. Well he didn't leave that night and I guess I got a lot more for my b-day than I expected.

I kept questioning him last night when he brought our DD home. He seems pretty sure he wants a D. He doesn't feel that we have anything. He said he is happier alone. Not sure if he wants anyone. I don't believe this because he has never had NC with OW. But it doesn't matter at this point. I guess it is over.

Thank you for the response. I do have a lot of craziness going thru my head. I wanted to believe at first that a baby would make a difference. But in my heart I knew it wouldn't. I agree with everything that was said. He wasn't willing to stay and make a M work for one child. Another can't make it work. he would be here for the wrong reasons and make us miserable. He started the A when I was 6 months pregnant with the first.Even if he did come back and try, I think it would be a matter of time before we were back in the same situation. He has already made up his mind.

I know that I need to move on. But how do I get over the guilt. I feel guilty that our DD won't have a "normal" family. Not that it is my fault. I tried everything to keep this family together. I teach school and I see what D do to children and it breaks my heart that mine has to go thru it because he is so selfish. But I feel really guity over the fact that this new child will be brought into the world without a family from the start. I know a lot of children do and are just fine, but we are still M and for us it isn't supposed to be this way.
But I guess that i needed to hear that if he made this decision before he knew about the baby then I couldn't let the baby change his mind because it would be wrong in the long run.
I am just so afraid of telling him. I am also embarassed to tell people that I am getting a D and pregnant. Is that vain??? I told hardly anyone about the A or M-problems. I am embarrassed over something that I haven't done.

Dear Coolduck,
I am so sorry to hear about your awful hurt and disappointment. It is easy for someone else to say "No need to feel guilty", but it comes from dark places within our mind and is difficult to overcome at times, BUT you have to !!
You have done nothing WRONG... this child was conceived with your H and was more a matter of poor judgement than anything else. We all make all kinds of stupid mistakes in life, this is certainly nothing "bad". With regards to the sadness you feel about bringing a child into a single parent home, well it isn't what we dream of, but it is happening more and more. In some situations it is really the very healthiest thing to do for everyone, children included. The pain and disruption, the lack of trust, the anger whether spoken or unspoken filter into a childs awareness and become part of their understanding of the world. I don't imagine you would want your children to live with that deception and grow up with a very skewed idea of what a family is, of how a H and W relate to each other, what is O.K. and not O.K. etc. Many single parents can and do provide wonderful happy homes for their children. It isn't easy, but it is certainly doable. There isn't the stigma anymore either, it seems to be the way our world is now. I realise this may not be an option for you personally, but just to note, not all women chose to keep their pregnancies. You need to make good levelheaded decisions that are right for you. I think your H has given you both verbally and by example every reason to know, that he is not going to give you what you long for (and deserve). Life isn't fair sometimes, it can be a severe teacher, but at the end of the day, when we look back we can often see how this difficulty or that painful situation or loss, in fact did contribute to our growth and happiness. Take courage ! In your heart , you know the truth. Wishing you wisdom for your journey.WA

Warm Ashes -
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I have really thought about what you said and now I'm not sure if I really want him back.
i have started telling people about what has occured in my life and they can't believe the way I have been treated. i find the more i say the more I realize that i don't want my life to be like this. I feel so bad those for my baby(s)i was always so willing to try for my DD sake. If my DD couldn't convince him to stay, a new baby can't. He needs to stay because of me or I will never be treated right.
I am just so embarrassed right now. It's like saying "hey did you know that my life fell apart and my H wants a D? Oh by the way did I tell you that I am pregnant" I was thinking that my due date and D could be around the same time. The whole thing just makes me feel sick. And to boot the stress is causing some concerns for my pregnancy, so I really need to back up and away before something bad happens.
Any ideas on how to tell my WH about the baby? I'm sure I will have lots of horrible things said to me. I'm not sure I'm up for it or how to handle it. I find myself so exhausted.

Dear Coolduck --

I have not read your entire story, but I want to tell you how sorry I am for your difficult situation.

Before you make any decisions, you need to take a deep breath and tell your husband in a calm voice that you are pregnant. You also need to make sure you're getting proper medical attention.

I respectfully disagree with Warm Ashes' assertion that staying together for the children is a mistake. I asked the very same question nearly a year ago. I received very different answers -- people here told me that staying together for the kids was a fine reason to do what it took to try and repair the marriage.

I did stay because of my kids. And guess what? Things are better. Not just for my kids -- for us as well. Not perfect. Not yet at least.

You have plenty of time for divorce. I do not know if you've Plan A'ed and how that went. Obviously, Plan B wasn't quite a sucess!? Rest, take care of yourself, and give yourself a few days. Try to decide what YOU want. Don't listen and decide based on the foggy babble that your husband is telling you right now -- he's in an affair and will say all sorts of nasty stuff.

Tell your husband about your pregnancy, and soon. Do it very calmly, as unemotionally as you can -- no hysterics if at all possible. Tell him you're not ready to make any decisions now, but that he needs to know this information.

Give yourself a little bit of time before you make any big decisions. Take care of yourself and your little ones.

Shellybird

Dear Coolduck,
Glad to hear back from you! The thoughts and recommendations offered by Shellybird certainly deserve consideration, but as I understood , this infedelity has been going on more or less steadily for your entire marriage. Do you think this is ever likely to change ?
I agree that you have time to finalize any decisions, but if you are going to be living separately, you probably need to seek legal advice regarding support.
The question of whether to disclose your current pregnancy to your H is a tough one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Shellybird had suggested that you do it in a calm unemotional manner. Do you think you can do that ?
If you fear that it would turn into a nightmare confrontation that would stress you over the top, perhaps this is not the time. Your health is a prime issue. There are those that might suggest that he has a "right" to know. That too, in my opinion is debatable, since you have been betrayed over and over again. It is still your baby, your body and your decision. Paternity takes only moments, fatherhood takes a lifetime.
If you feel you do need to tell him, maybe you could do it in the presence of some trusted person. It would protect you from the fallout.
I do agree, that the pregnancy is probably not a good enough reason to believe he will change.
Again, I wish only to mention that you are the best judge of what you are willing to accept for you and your children. Would you consider a Plan B scenario, where he would have to totally disentangle himself from the OW (and be able to prove it)? Would you then perhaps want to be together again ? If your love and trust have been so decimated over the years, it might be a lost dream, but again it remains your choice.
As I suggested in my first post, Coolduck, in your heart of hearts you already know the answers to these difficult questions, you just may not be ready to look at them. That is why you need to take your time.
One last thought, the worrying about what others will think..... please don't do this to yourself !! First off IT DOESN'T MATTER !
Secondly,anybody of any significance in your life will support you at this difficult time, not judge you.
I remember a sweet story from a friend of mine who had had some cosmetic surgery done on her face and was worrying about how others would respond to her. The wise and wonderful comment that was offered to her was........ anyone close enough to notice, wont't care !! I love this response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
It certainly can pertain to you too !
I am hoping that you are taking some serious measures to keep you well at this point. Heavy duty stress does no good to mothers or unborn infants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And your other little one needs you physically well and coping well.
If you can accept that you are doing the very best you can, moment by moment, day by day, take all the time you need, all the good counsel and support that you need, and trust that you will make the best decision . Wishing you peace. WA