If any of you have been following my saga of the last few days, I would appreciate some quick advice on how to react.

My H of 17 years left last week for the second time this year. The first was in February for 3 weeks, now he has been gone almost 2 weeks. I have not seen him since he left, but we have talked or chatted on the phone about non-relationship stuff. He does call our two teenage daughters daily and sees them at least once or twice a week. His apartment is 10 minutes from our home.

As you will recall, I have told everyone that when he was leaving he said this would be the last time he would walk out on the girls and myself. He told them that he tried to give our marriage one last try but that it did not work (we never did do any counseling after his return in March). I told him as he was leaving that I thought we should just divorce and be done with each other. These are words I now regret as I want to try and reconcile our marriage. I don't know if he is having an A but there are sure signs that indicate he might be - even though I asked him and he said no.

Anyway, I saw my H today at my daughter's volleyball game. I was not sure how to deal with him. But this is how it went:

I, of course was looking my absolute best as I knew that he would probably show up at the game.

He commented that I looked great and politely thanked him asked how he was doing. We sat next to each other and engaged in small talk about the game and about our daughter's upcoming events. We never mentioned anything about our relationship, except that he wanted to determine a good time to come by this weekend and move the rest of his belongings from the house (my hurt was dying inside at the thought of him coming to get the rest of his things - but I stayed strong and did not show any emotion - was this good??)

We stayed at the game for less than an hour and as I was leaving he wanted to walk out with me to the car. He wanted to show me where he had hit his car on a pole and then he walked me over to my car. We exchanged a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. I remained very cheerful and upbeat during the game and when he walked me to the car - I acted like I had a lot of things to do today and I quickly left the parking lot.

I went to the grocery store and ran into his mother. We have always been cordial with each other over the years, but I know she does not like me as we have had confrontation in the past. By the way, when H moved out in February, my mother in law was all too happy to help furnish the apartment and decorate. My H is and always has been a "momma's boy." Anytime something happens in his life and at his job, his mother is the first to know - not me, his wife. As you can probably guess, she has been an element in this marriage, which I have had to deal with all my married life. She is not married or in a relationship so she relies on my H for much support. When I saw her in the store she asked how I was doing and the girls. I said we were fine, and I kept the conversation really short and gave her a hug before I left. Was that sucking up??

Last part, my daughter and I were going to the mall this afternoon and she was driving. She is a teenager with a driver's permit, so she ended getting the front part of my car hit by the backside of trailer that was driving next to us. The accident was not her fault - no injuries, minor damage. The other car involved followed us to the police station 2 blocks away, and filed the report. I called my H and told him not to go to the house this afternoon as I was entertaining my girlfriends for dinner, and I also told him about the accident. He insisted on meeting us at the police station. He arrived and acted as though he was saving the damsel in distress. As we walked from the police station I noticed how he was trying not to walk at the same pace so that he was slightly behind me. I sensed that he did not want to be seen with me - so I thanked him for coming and hurried to my car.

I guess I am confused about his behavior during both times that I saw him today. Should I avoid any further contact with him other than phone? He seems to be very non-chalant about everything and I want to make sure that I am sending the correct signals to him that I am taking care of myself and handling things okay - even though I am dying inside.

Any advice?? Sorry for the long facts, but I thought it would help to give a full perspective of the events of today. I did look depressed, I look my best and had an upbeat attitude.

What should I do???

In terms of handling yourself, you've done very well. These are all people who, in the long run, are never going to be out of your life. No reason to burn bridges, and I don't see any sucking up or other unpleasant stuff going on.

So.... the real question is this:

What do you want? Do you want this marriage or not?

If you don't, well, I'd encourage you to think it over some more. This is far from a hopeless case.

If you DO want the marriage, then please consider ending contact with your husband. This is his second separation from you, and sometimes people (seems like it's often men, but that may just be who I've seen) do this bounce-back-and-forth thing many times. Like, eight or nine or more.

It's very hard on the spouse and the marriage when this happens. You've already started ranting about divorce when you're upset and your ttongue is ahead of your thoughts. That's completely understandable -- and it still hurts your marrage.

Now, a fair number of people will probably tell you that it's too soon to enter Plan B. They might be right, but it's my experience that it takes quite a while to figure out HOW to enter Plan B. So this is the heads-up post. I think it would be wise to go to Plan B and end contact with your husband. I think it might take you a few weeks to do that, though.

So in the meantime, read up on Plan A. You're doing it GREAT so far, and I'm mostly wondering about whether you've exposed the affair. If you'd done that, then all you need to do is continue as you are and then, when you're ready, circle the wagons and shut off the lights and enter the healing darkness of plan B.

Newlife - WOW, you did a great job! Especially for your H only being gone for two weeks. Most of us here were complete wrecks for the first couple of weeks and couldn't dream of handeling the situation that perfectly. I think you are doing the right thing. Way to go!

Wow, you handled yourself very well! It's so hard to remain calm when you are hurting so much inside... you did a great job. Keep it up.

After reading your recent post I have some more thoughts.... again, these are just my thoughts...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H is and always has been a "momma's boy." Anytime something happens in his life and at his job, his mother is the first to know - not me, his wife. As you can probably guess, she has been an element in this marriage, which I have had to deal with all my married life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could your H possibly be transferring his attitudes and feelings about his mother to you? My thought is that since he can't "break up" with his mother he's decided to break up with you... Breaking up with you could possibly be giving him a feeling of "power" and control that was lacking in his relationship with his mother

Your H still wants to maintain contact with you and your girls... It sure does appear that when you are at your best, that he responds well to you... I suspect that the times that he's been the most upset are when your actions closely matched those of his mother.

Again, these are just my thoughts... Do you think your H would be willing to go to individual counseling? It sure does sound like he has some issues with his mother that he needs to deal with... and again, and I may be wrong, but I don't think that he's having an A...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

My thanks to all of you for your advice. Sorry about the number of threads that I have created, I am new at the MB site so I'm learning as I go from some of you who have been on the site for awhile.

I felt I did well with handling seeing my H and his mother. I felt really good, but then today I don't feel so well. My H came by when the girls and I were at church and got some more of his things. I'm feeling pretty empty and discouraged. I probably should not feel this way, as he still left some of his clothes in the closet.

I made the mistake of calling my H last night and told him that I prefer that our marriage work and I'm trying really hard to deal with this separation. He did not have any comments, just got really quite on the other end of the phone.

Should I just stop saying these things to him?

I am fearful that he wants this separation to be permanent and wants to see if we can be parents/friends in different households. I don't think I can handle this type of situation. I want my H to be in the same house and by my side, growing old together.

Is this too much to ask or expect?

I don't know if H will submit to counseling at this time, as I mentioned, he keeps saying that he is in "break up" mode with me. I start counseling this week, but I know H is not interested in going. I will wait a few weeks to give H some time to cool off from his perceived anger for me.

With regard to H's mother, he spends more time with her now than he ever did. Everytime the girls talk to him, he is with his mother, shopping, eating at restaurants, etc...

So, Rebuilding in Faith, I agree with you that I don't think H is having an affair, but I did notice yesterday when I saw H that he does not wear his wedding band. Is H advertising that he is now single and may be looking to have an A?

Today, I called H again to see if he was okay and if he got everything he needed from the house. He purposely sounded very busy, so I quickly said, oh I see you are busy, I'll talk with you later, and he said, yeah, I'll call you later.

At this point, I need some advice. You know my fear after reading Dr. Harvey's article on Plan A and Plan B where he states that awful statistic that some marriages never recover after a separation. This is our second separation this year.

Are the odds of us reconciling even slimmer that we are separated or am I throwing the towel in too early?

Should I avoid calling H and just return his calls when he calls me?

This is all very painful and confusing. I have been working on myself by going to the gym, watching what I eat, praying and reading self improvement books. It is hard, but I spend alot of quality time with the girls, but I've always done that, and I think that is another reason H left. He feels I don't give him enough attention.

As you can see, there are so many issues that me and my H need to work on -

Please give me advice and direction on how to proceed if there truly is not OW and H is just needing some time away.

What do you do if Plan A or Plan B are not applicable at this point??

Thanks for your encouragement and advice!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I made the mistake of calling my H last night and told him that I prefer that our marriage work and I'm trying really hard to deal with this separation. He did not have any comments, just got really quite on the other end of the phone.

Should I just stop saying these things to him?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's nothing wrong with telling your H how you feel...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am fearful that he wants this separation to be permanent and wants to see if we can be parents/friends in different households. I don't think I can handle this type of situation. I want my H to be in the same house and by my side, growing old together.

Is this too much to ask or expect? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, there's nothing wrong with sharing your feelings with your H... Just try to do it in a non-threatening manner.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At this point, I need some advice. You know my fear after reading Dr. Harvey's article on Plan A and Plan B where he states that awful statistic that some marriages never recover after a separation. This is our second separation this year.

Are the odds of us reconciling even slimmer that we are separated or am I throwing the towel in too early? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, don't worry about the statistics just yet... Your H is trying to stay connected with you and your girls... that speaks volumes to me... Are you throwing in the towel? I think you have a great chance to rebuild your M...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please give me advice and direction on how to proceed if there truly is not OW and H is just needing some time away.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd ask your IC/MC this question... they will be better able to guide you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks for your reply RBIF.

I still question whether he sees this separation as something permanent to grow accustomed to over time. I do not want to live my life like that - I want H in the same house - I know I sound like a spoiled brat - but it is my desire to have my H in my life and work on building and restoring our marriage.

RBIF you have an interesting perspective. I am reading a book by a noted psychologist. The author says to ignore the H and they will eventually come back and talk. I'm afraid if I ignore him he will continue to work towards making the separation permanent - again, the "out of sight, out of mind" scenario.

I know I am panicking and too anxious just to let my H take some time and get himself together.

What did you think about my statements regarding how he spends MORE time with his mother now that we are separated?

He really is spending more time with his mother. If he is having issues dealing with his mom, it sure does not show as he is with her constantly.

Should I back off and not contact him?

Thanks for the advice.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend your life together with your H... that's the way God intended it...

As far as your H spending time with his mother, even if he has issues, he's not going to abandon his mother... Remember, he's probably very comfortable with her.

Again, I think it could be a control issue... Your past actions reminded him of his mother... thus his desire to "break up" with you... But again, this is just my opinion... You should ask your MC about this and see what they think.

I would continue to "Plan-A" your H... be as nice as you can and ask your MC what he/she thinks you should do...

Semper Fi,
RIF90