So I've been giving my husband his "space". I'm still Plan A'ing, but have really tried to detach myself from him--don't email him anymore, or IM him..have not been here last couple of times he called, etc. Pretty sure he's been dating one girl fairly often.

Ya know what sucks? He sits there and he's going out all the time and doing all this fun stuff that I would've LOVED to have done with him. It sucks because he's probably sitting there thinking how great it is to be doing all this and how great it is to be "living single"..when in reality, I would've given my left arm to be doing all these things!!

Anyway..I have certainly not gone dark and don't plan to..at least not for awhile. But I've definitely moved into the shadows.

So I get an email from him today in response to me telling him that I had to take extra money out of one of his accounts. The email is pretty chatty, which is unusual for him lately. He says the money thing is fine..he's been doing this, that. He said he is scheduled to rotate out of PR next summer but will have to extend (and because of the nature of his job, he really WILL have to)...and this kind of bothered me because to consult with me on his future duty stations would say something, right?

Anyway, end of the email is..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway i need to eat something before my workout.. I will call ya tomorrow.. I hope your doing well and the job hunt is going well..
Talk to you then
love ya
WH</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The "I love you's" have completely stopped, except for when he was visiting a couple of weeks ago. So I get this "love ya" at the end of the email and he signed his name, which he never does on emails...

Ya know what gets me so mad? That these little things lift my spirits!! I know that any small crack in the "single veneer" is a good sign towards POSSIBILITIES...but damn...these crumbs...why do they make me happy?

I admit that I have actually been trying to withdraw from the situation and that's not really a good thing. Maybe these little things are the things that will keep me focused on my original intent of rebuilding the marriage. Just wish I could stop letting him have the power to tweak my emotions like this...

Okay..sorta rant over....I plan on having a full and busy day tomorrow when he tries to call...lol...

*Should* I see the chattiness, the divulging of everyday information and the "love ya" as good signs? He does still seek me out for support when things are rough for him..and I KNOW that's a good sign..but I just don't know what to do with these little things.

Hi Maddyk,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> *Should* I see the chattiness, the divulging of everyday information and the "love ya" as good signs? He does still seek me out for support when things are rough for him..and I KNOW that's a good sign..but I just don't know what to do with these little things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If his "chattiness" makes you feel good, then I'd just enjoy the good feelings... But I wouldn't try to "read" too much into it.

His fantasy world will eventually crumble and he will miss the stability that you are providing for him. Keep up a great Plan-A, and be the best W that you can be for him...

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Maddy,
At this point little, tiny, miniscule shows of affection mean so much, but the reality in my sitch is she must do more! Recommit or Rock Bottom.

Try to stay focused. I'm struggling myself so I can't say exactly what steps to take. My kids really give me incentive and every day I'm growing sronger in my own self-worth. Good luck Maddy and allow yourself the privelege of stepping off the rollercoaster from time to time, it really helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MK I know what you mean. I am trying not to read much into these small things but its hard.

Yesterday morning i took coffee to my W in bed, and she was sleepy as I stroked her hand. She squeezed my hand briefly. I felt like a king ! After 17 years of affectionate marriage I felt like a king ! Of course it meant nothing. She is fog bound and probably was just too tired to remember to be mean and unlving toward me for a minute.

Then, WW went out for a karate club social evening last night. When she went out she offered me her cheek to kiss. Again, I am like Muttley with a new medal ( remember Stop the pigeon? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I knew she was gonna be a little drunk when she came home, so at bedtime I left her a note which said : " I hope you had a great time ! Here is a painkiller, take one now to save your head tomorrow! Remember how much I care for you X "

She staggered in at 03:30 this morning ! I got up to find a scrawled note at the bottom of the pad from her which says :

"Thanks ! I took it ! X "

My first "x" in seven weeks. Again she was just too tipsy to remember she's not supposed to be affectionate but I feel 'made up' as we say in the north of England !

Slly. Just imagine how we will feel when our WS truly love us once more and they are truly demonstrative of it?

Cherish that thought <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 03:03 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

i would treat such things just as things that are positive or nice to have. not that they are "signs." course you know where i'm coming from but during these past months it has helped me to expect the worse, hope for the best. when i say expect the worse in reference to receiving and email from your H, i mean see it as something that he's saying to feel better about himself. now you could even take it a step further and consider that by him saying what he did to feel better about himself is a result of the way you have been towards him. your following your words w/actions, showing change, and giving him every reason to come back to the marriage, not any reason to continue his bad behavior.

another way i look at things is regarding the lovebank. we all know that we want to make deposits and not make withdrawals. but i look at it more during these times as not making any withdrawals. i say that because of the situation you and i as well as some others are in w/being away from our spouses. very difficult to make deposits. but i think at the very least if we are not making any withdrawals in the WS's lovebank for us then that's a good thing too. does that make sense?

keep the communication lines open but don't feel like you have to respond to everything he does (calls, messages, etc.) and before you respond or reply just take time and really think before you speak. don't give him more information then he really needs. just because he says "love ya" doesn't mean you have to say it back.

JMO, prayers to you, RR

rr, I like your take on it...making himself feel better. I actually think that he's kind of throwing these tidbits so I won't get completely fedup but the funny thing is that I don't think he's really conscious of doing that. It's the same thing with his lying. I'm not quite sure why he still lies to me about what he's doing, but I *think* it's because he wants to keep that door open, even though HE doesn't think he wants to keep it open.

Yes, I didn't respond to the email..and wasn't home when he called yesterday. If he says "I love you" through voice or person I will respond in kind, but not on email.

I DO feel as though I'm more fortunate than those like you and graycloud in that I DO have the opportunity to make deposits, even though it's mostly through phone (and the occasional visit). My H has not completely cut off most communication as yours did. I also think that if I pushed for coaching through the Harley's, he would do it at least twice, but I'll have to pay for it and I can't really afford that right now.

I think the turning point for me will be IF my husband realizes how empty "single-life" can be. I'm not sure he will come to that realization in time, but I feel that will be my turning point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maddyk:
<strong> I'm not quite sure why he still lies to me about what he's doing, but I *think* it's because he wants to keep that door open, even though HE doesn't think he wants to keep it open.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EGGZACKLY!!
I have been wondering this myself lately. Why the continued LIES? It's the old keep the foot in the door routine. See if they put all of their despicable cards on the table, they know you will walk, or they are pretty sure if out of nothing but self-respect and pride that you will cancel their space in your heart. These WS's are not as fogged as we might think, at least not when it comes to SELF-PRESERVATION. Your H knows he's decisions aren't a sure thing. Come on, in the back of his head very slightly there is a nagging doubt. The nagging doubts about his devious actions reaping any real long lasting benefit. The fact you did do a good Plan A, and the fact at some level he does regard your love for him as "RARE" he is not willing to say:

"I'm going out to do the butt naked LaBamba with OW now...be back in a few."

He knows he'd better not, because after you cried for say a day, stopped eating for 2 days and then washed you hair. Yes, I'm a bald man but I know that women can get such a therapuetic feeling from washing their hair..that's if you're not bald yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyway he knows....you would snap out of your pain and tell him to go to #%#$^%$&

Maddy this post just made my day. There is hope, though I will not hold my breath any longer. Time to live, but not date. Why is it that people in pain get so many offers? I've had to block email addresses. One lady I confided in, an old friend mind you from before me and my wife reconciled, actually tried to talk me into USING her to get over my W. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I did NOT! I feel sometimes like this is all a test and that if I pass GOD will repay me with happiness beyond what I've ever experienced. I hold onto that dream of happiness in the future, please try to do the same Maddy. Here take some sunshine and rub it on your face.

Feel BETTER! that's not a question, it's an ORDER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />