I could really use some advice, but can not find alot of info on this subject.

Been with my wife for 15 years. Married alomost 11.

Here is my problem. My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of her dad. She states it was a one time incident but Im having my doubts. The one that she admits to her mom walked in on, and all her mom did was walk back into the kitchen and finish making supper. Everyone is afraid of her dad, and took no legal steps. The man is a very verbally abuseive person, and does get physically abuseive at times.

For 15 years I have dealt with this man putting her and I down every chance he gets. From telling me to get a REAL job ( Im a paramedic ) to telling us where to live, what cars to buy, to everything haveing to do with holidays. I have even had to miss a few christmases with my kids and wife because I was banned from their home for telling him to kiss my a*#. He and my wife ( By not standing up to him ) had put my self esteem so low it wasnt even funny.

He has so much control ove her it isnt funny. We are both from michigan, in 1994 we were living in Georgia where I was stationed in the Army. On his demand she moved back to Michigan because they needed her to babysit her sisters kids. I never forgave her for that.

In the last 10 years I have had 2 affairs and she has had 1. We worked things out, but never addressed the issues. Things got really bad last December when she had to change bosses at work. Her moods got even worse, but was so beat down by her dad that she wouldnt do anything to fix the problem. To top it off I became very good friends with a female coworker. It never became a physical issue, but some strong emotional ties did develope.

We split up about a month ago. I still want my wife, I have seen how she can be when her dad isnt an issue. Away from them she is a very supportive person for the most part, but she just lets them walk all over us, and I cant deal with that. To make matters worse she moved in with them when we split. Her dad has banned her from talking to me even if it has to do with our 2 boys, and out of fear she goes along with it if her family is around.

I want to work things out with my wife, but I dont want to ever have to deal with her family again. She tells me thats whet she wants, but is afraid to move out because it will make him mad.

I have tried to get her to go see a theripist, and she had agreed, till she told her mom who told her dad. He was right on the phone yelling at her that it was a waste of time and money. She backed out.

Any ideas?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your wife MUST get counseling. That is the only way to save your marriage.

The whole incest thing is a completely different world. My niece was sexually abused by her step dad from the time she was 7. My SIL (her mom) knew about the abuse, but did nothing. The sexual relationship lasted until my niece was 22. Figure that one out!

Now my niece is still very close with both her mom and her step-dad, almost dependent on them. She has had several relationships with men that never worked out. And she is an RN, good in her job, a kind and beautiful woman.

Anyway, all this stuff is so weird, that only a professinal can unravel it. There is a site called saveyourmarriagecentral that has a private sexual abuse forum. But I really think your wife will require professional, one on one counseling.

I am soooo sorry. It sure sounds like you love your wife. Keep trying if you really honestly love her. She will thank you for it someday.
I am not at all qualified to answer your questions, but I feel your pain. Your wife sounds like she also is in so much pain that she can't see any light. I will pray that you find the answers and the means to help her out of that house for good and that you both are able to resolve any differences that you have.

John,

I have no personal experience with sexual abuse, but with that said. Do you think she would consider moving out of the area with you? Is that even feasible?

You said that when you lived apart from her family every thing was okay, but she seems to have a lot of problems saying no to her father. I imagine that her dependence on him started long ago. If her mother walked in on her and her father then turned and walked out, imagine how alone she felt and how she felt that she needed him to survive? It is hard to get over childhood fears and insecurities especially when she has never really confronted them head on.

With you having had trouble in your marriage and the fact that you have had two affairs (we won't think of hers at the moment), she probably doesn't feel very safe with you. I have some family problems too and feel like if I stand up to my father and then my husband leaves me then I will be totally on my own with no support system at all. That is very scarry and an affair strips you of your self-esteen and takes away your ability to trust and believe, in others and yourself.

I know that you think that you are willing and able to be that support system but if she can't believe that you will always be there for her then she in not going to be able to risk alienating her father. I don't know how to advise you to get her to trust in you and think of you as a "safe" place. It seems that is your only chance. She has to feel safer with you, emotionally, and physically than she does with her father. He has had years of experience manipulating her feelings and having her jump through his hoops, he knows how to get the response her wants from her and that is never going to change until she feels strong enough to fight back.

Good luck.
Cathy

I have tried to get her to move far enough away that the control would be diminished. Right now there is the trust issue with me, and yes I see her point on that. Im also not sure it would help, she ran back last time they told her to.

That is why your wife must go to counseling. This thing is weird and huge. You will not be able to do it alone.