A member told me to post this in General this weekend for more feedback, so I am....
I have 2 kids and physically seperated from my H (married 13 years). We are in the process of a divorce but neither of us are sure anymore. I started having an affair with a man at my office 2 years ago. At that time my H and I were having serious problems. He hid & lied about a chemical dependency for 4 years. We also had a 3some only one time which really hurt our relationship. And he has a tendency to ogle at other women when I am in the room. But he is a Wonderful loving father. And willing to seek help to save our marriage.
I am still involved with the OM and still have feelings for my H. One day I care more for one, the next, the other. I feel like I can't commit one way or another to which path I want to take. The most important thing is my kids. They seem to be well adjusted with us living apart, but sometimes I can see the pain in their eyes and it rips me to the core. Both my H and I have done a good job of keeping our anger and frustration away from them. But I know it still hurts them.
The OM just ended his marriage of 27 years, is madly in love w/me and wants to be with me. He is so many things that my H is not. He dotes on me, writes poetry, is kind and thoughtful. He's a very good man, wonderful lover and provider. I think I am in love with him but not sure 100%.
My H still loves me and wants to make us work and is willing to forgive me, but I am not sure that either of us can get passed all the pain.
I feel confused every day on what I should do. Afraid to make a decision because I don't want it to be the wrong one for me and for my kids. How do I know?
I have made an appointment for yet another counselor, but sometimes, they just sit and listen. I want someone to give me some answers and thought that I would try here and see what other people have experienced. HELP ME!

MixedUp....I think you came to the right place. There is alot of help here. Some of the most amazing and strong people post here.

Weekends are pretty slow. Normally it picks back up on Monday. I can't offer any advice as I'm on the receiving end of an affair. I can only tell you of the daily struggle. One that I can see in my WW and obviously one that is in you.

Your title says candid. You'll probably get quite a few candid replys, some 2X4's, etc. but you will also receive some good advice from those who have been where your at in your life.

I say keep posting, reading and learning......Good Luck.....LS

Hi again, I am going to bump up the moving forward thread for you. There are tons of WW's that posted there, and you will see what you must go through.

Not sure what "bump up the moving forward thread for you" means. Can you explain? This is my first visit to Marriage builders.

mixed up - I brought the thread to this forum - check towards the top - actually it is now called "appropriate". Check it out. It is mostly written by women that are in your position.

It will give you a clue to what you face.

mixedupbad, what can I say? I hesitate to bother. There are others here far better than I am at pointing these things out.

First, the other man is not a "very good man" if he abandonded his wife for you. If he "ended his marriage", that suggests to me that his wife did not want to end it.

When you are having sex with him, and reading his wonderful, kind poetry, and lying there next to him looking deep into his eyes, basking in those wonderful feelings, do you ever think of his wife, curled up in a ball, her guts twisted in knots, crying so hard it hurts, feeling like she's being ripped apart inside, dry heaving, unable to eat, having to medicate herself probably just to function at the most basic level? This is one of the costs. Does she deserve it? How has she wronged you, that you feel justified creating such horror for her?

And you see the pain in the eyes of your children.

But the affair feels to good to stop. So you trample over these people, an innocent stranger and your very own children, and leave them behind, suffering, because the good feeling you get from the other man overrides all the rest, and numbs you to your guilt.

I'm sorry, but your affair is a foul and evil thing. Gussie it up all you want. Quack, quack, it's still a nasty affair.

Why must you make people suffer in order to be happy? Do you want to live in a world where we all behave this way? The world is what YOU make of it. What kind of world are you helping to create?

If you want to move past all this pain with your husband, you can. But you need to be courageous. Do you want to be a person that can be admired for patience, courage, and strength, or do you just want to have fun?

Besides the good feeling you get from him, what good is accomplished by this affair? I ask because there's another kind of person out there who doesn't care who is hurt as long as they can continue feeling something pleasant. They're called drug addicts.

GC

Ok I know your in a tough bind, it's hard. Please read the following
Sadness,Pain,Regret, Is it worth Reconciliation?

I am in no position to advise but do know one way hurts less then the other in the long run.

Think of your children & husband who currently still love and are willing to take you back into their lives, think of Christmas, Family Celebrations etc. How would you like them to be?

Do you feel you would like your child to emulate you? Will you be someone they can role model and carry into their own adult lives & relationships?
and the children too

Give yourself time alone without contact from om think of your own personal values, and where your dreams are for the future, 2 years, 5 years.
Good morning all... Truehearts Letter

& Withdrawal Support - The List

(edited to add Truehearts & NoMas threads)

Think of your future can you visualise your grandchildren playing in the back garden, yes that's what I asked, your husband & your children's children coming over to play with their Granny & Grandad....

Think deeeeeeppp thoughts.

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Ktulu ]</small>

Thank you for the slap in the face. I am not proud of what I have done, nor what I have become. This is why I came here. To hear from everyone, good and bad. I need to hear many of the things you've said. I deserve it. I am ashamed for being so selfish in my needs. But how do I end it? How do I forget it in my head and heart? Another party said that it will be horribly painful to let this other person go and I am willing to do so for my family. Will my H ever truly let this go? Will he ever be able to forgive me? But mostly, will I be able to forgive myself?

MUB..

Welcome to the board.

Here's my .02. I think you are trying to answer too many questions at once, and distracting yourself by doing so..thus prolonging the affair.

Your first question is this..How do I end this affair. Answer: You tell the other person via a letter that you have decided to end the affair, that you wish no further contact with them ever. You do not make it a love letter, you do not tell them that you love them or give them any encouragement whatsoever. Then you never see or speak with them ever again. This will end the affair. When you have done this you are ready to deal with the next question..until you do this the next question doe snot apply..nor any that follow.

--Noodle

You end it by ending it.

You'll never forget it.

For a while, you will grieve. And once you have grieved, you will begin to realize that you are improved. You will feel your soul beginning to heal and grow. The desert that it has become will grow fertile and healthy again.

Doing the right thing is the path to forgiveness and healing. Doing the other man is the path to oblivion.

You will have to ask your husband for help. Ask him some of the questions you've asked here. Help him to understand what you must go through.

GC