Hello,

I'm new to this site but could do with some advice. My situation is that I am the WS, my A was a one-night stand during a business trip in Dec'03. It was followed quite soon after by remorse and N/C (in any case the trip was in another city where he lived). After analysing myself for a long time, I think the reason it happened was due to my feelings of not being in control of my life, due to depressions and insecurity of my H, also our moving OS for his job, which I didn't really want to do (we are still living OS, far from friends and family).

In any case, I know that whatever the issue, I made a big mistake. It took me 6 months to tell my H (on 15/6/04), which I finally did because our relationship was becoming closer after his depression lifted.

Its been a very tough time since Dday, but I thought that maybe we were over the worst, since I have been trying really hard to meet his needs, be kind, caring, calm, etc. I have been in IC for these 3 months, and have told him how much I have learnt etc.

The problem now is that he has decided that he will get over this hurt by deciding that my behaviour was completely OK. Now he wants to be "free" (his words) to have his own A whenever he feels like it. He always had a lot of female friends, and now he has started to go away on weekends with them. I am not naturally a jealous person, but in the present circumstances, when he cannot tell me how he feels about me, I feel nothing but fear and trepidation about this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I am really running out of ideas and I feel so alone.

thanks
S

So what I hear you saying is your H is considering a revenge affair. Correct?

Have you read any affair recovery books? Has your H?

You do have a right to state your boundaries on this issue with your spouse. Have you done that?

If you would like to think about this and post again perhaps??

What is your personal boundary about this issue?

Pep

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, he is considering a "revenge affair", but he doesn't state it that way, just that he thinks now that he has become more "liberal" and "tolerant" and is into open relationships. He still says he wants to be together with me, but he hasn't made the same kind of efforts that I have made to understand what happened and why, and think about how to be together in the future.

I have read some affair books, he has not. I have asked him several times to come to RC but he doesn't want to - I am in IC.

Sorry, I forgot to say that yes, I have stated my boundaries about this issue. We have had several conversations and I have restated that if he had a sexual or romantic relationship with another woman I would be extremely hurt. Female friends are ok with me.
I know I have made this clear but I am not sure, whether, in his present state of mind, whether he will just ignore this.

How much do you love your H?

Pep

I love him very much. Thats the reason I decided to tell him about the A, despite the pain I knew it would cause. He has been through a lot of depressions and hasn't had an easy time, but he's a unique and special person.

Hi smur....well i am in the same boat as you....I too had a one day fling....I had severe depression and was lonely...my husband too has found an OW....he has known her 29 days and she is in love with him already....he has also taken a trip with her and slept with her....and my feelings don't matter....mine even came into my work with a hickey on his neck and chuckled at my expression when i saw it....many people tell me he is doing this to hurt me....and it has...so much...I haven't hardly slept in 4 days...my stomach problems have gotten worse...I miss him so much and feel so much regret that my bad mistake sent us to this....I want to get together again but he refuses...and now he and his little girlfriend both are after my son...to try to intergrate her into his life already and have her have a relationship with my son....the sad thing is...this is the same woman he left to go to the movies with the day he told me our marriage was over....and that first date was a horror movie...the exact same first date we had....he has done many things that he did with me in the beginning of our relationship....it's like he's dating me all over again...thru her....I am very sorry your going thru this smur....lots of people have done far worse in A's....and I think cases like ours deserve a second chance....espescially when we are willing to make the sacrifices and work so hard to fix our marriages and make them better.....MY father had an affair for 3 years and even got the woman pregnant...but he and my mother never divorced and are still together to this day....if you ever need a shoulder to lean on...please let me know...I am more than willing to offer mine...

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: lost lamb ]</small>

Smur ( your nic makes me laugh every time I read it) ... reminds me of someone too short to be called a smurf ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anywho...

How much does your husband love you? Tell us the most you can about this right now.

Pep

Hey thanks and I really sympathise with you. It must be really difficult, especially with your son.

I am also really disappointed in the response of my H, because I thought that he loved me enough to accept that I can also make mistakes, even if they are very hurtful ones for him. I'm not looking for "fairness", because maybe there is no such thing in relationships.
The one thing that makes me more hopeful is that he is talking to me about all of his thoughts, and I feel confident that he will always be honest with me. He hasn't had anything with another woman "yet". But I hate that "yet".

How much he loves me?

Well, before Dday I would have said very much. He was always talking about us and our future together, how he wanted to be with me always. Especially in the last 2 months before Dday, we were becoming very close.

Now - I know he cares about me, because he was initially very worried about me being depressed, urging me to go out, meet people, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by smur:
<strong> Hey thanks and I really sympathise with you. It must be really difficult, especially with your son.

I am also really disappointed in the response of my H, because I thought that he loved me enough to accept that I can also make mistakes, even if they are very hurtful ones for him. I'm not looking for "fairness", because maybe there is no such thing in relationships.
The one thing that makes me more hopeful is that he is talking to me about all of his thoughts, and I feel confident that he will always be honest with me. He hasn't had anything with another woman "yet". But I hate that "yet". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I feel bad that he is missing out on so much....Our son has begun the great track to toddler hood....today he walked with the help of a rider walker...(not the sit in kind) across the room.....I was so proud of my baby for his accomplishment....but at the same time saddened that my husband wasn't there to see it....he has also recently said mommy...(although I haveen't gotten him to repeat it).....he's growing so fast....why someone would want to miss out on that...it's sad...

Hi Pep,

actually I am on the small side, although not blue, but I never thought of the smurf connection - the nic is just a first and last name thing - but maybe it was a subconscious thinG??

On the "how much does he love me" question, he just rang me to meet for lunch and bought me chocolate. I'm more hopeful that if I keep restating my boundaries and keep meeting his ENs then it could work. Even though its been 3 months it still seems to change by the hour.

Hello,

Yesterday I went for IC. I just cried and cried. I have read other posts on here about the remorse and guilt of the WS, and it is so true. Its all my fault that we're in this situation.

Anyway, I am still confused about my H. One day telling me he wants a family with me, the next day that he wants to sleep with another woman, the next day buying me chocolate. I don't know what to expect next. Are there any BS out there who have felt something like my H??

Smur - Very early in our marriage, my WH and I went through a one night stand A situation. He was WH then too. Afterwards, I would sometimes say that I should go out and have an A or ask him if what he would do if I did. Would he leave me? Wouldn't he have to forgive me the same way I did? I would joke that I had a get out of jail free card.

Looking back, I did it to get a feeling of control. To be able to see what he would say. To hold it over his head. To make him worry that he might have to go through the same thing I did. Too make him uncomfortable. To remind him of it because I was thinking of it.

I never intended to do it. But for some reason, I got a momentary feeling of superiority or control from it.

I'm not saying that's why HE'S doing it, but that is why I was. I didn't even realize it then though.

Faithinme-

thanks so much for your insight.
I also wondered if it was a thing more about him wanting to feel in control, more than anything else.
I know its really hard for him. Especially because he has insecurity issues stemming from childhood - he had a tough time.
I just don't understand why he can't get a feeling of control from working on our relationship instead. Also from the fact that I am living OS for him.

My own little psycho-babble thoughts here....

FOR ME, the need to feel in control was driven completely by things going on INSIDE me.

betrayal. hurt. lack of confidence. confusion. pain. anxiety.

You can only do so much to help with that. It takes time and it takes work from you to encourage growth in those areas, but only your S can set the pace and benchmarks.

The issue of control for me was not about what was going on in our relationship or working on that. It was about what was going on inside ME.

I made the mistake of thinking that working on the relationship was enough. I'm in the same boat 7 years later only this time my WH thinks he is in love with another woman and has filed for divorce after 10 years and 3 children.

I should have also worked on the issues I listed above - that were MINE. Not doing so, my WH and I had a good relationship, but also built a habit of him always trying to make up for something and me letting him and eventually expecting it.

I don't know for sure, but I think had I looked more at WHY I needed control and dealt with the issues in me rather than only those in the relationship dealing with the A, we would have avoided years of unhealthy habits.

So, don't expect him to gain the control he is looking for by the relationship or what you are doing for him by living OS with him.

Rather, encourage him to deal with his feelings so he doesn't need to BE in control by pushing the idea of him having an A in your face. Help him let go of the need to control so you can stand together one day as partners instead.

FOR ME, the need to feel in control was driven completely by things going on INSIDE me.

That rings true for what I know of him and how he deals with problems and hurts. He does tend to avoid thinking about them, just wanting to have fun, forget about any problems. But then every so often he has recurring depressions. I have always thought this was linked. I even thought that, to a certain extent, we already had a pattern a little like you describe for your relationship before my A. He had recurring depressions and he wanted me to help him with them, and I did things for him out of guilt that I couldn't really help with his depression. But he wouldn't talk to anyone else about it, no matter how much I asked.

I have tried to get him to go to IC or RC, also to talk to his friends about the situation, but he hasn't talked to anyone. I don't know how to convince him that this is what he needs.

Unfortunatly my husband tells me there is no chance of us working on our marriage at all....he is also currently homeless.....I worry were he is if he is ok.....he knows he could come home...only if he is going to stay.....he has such pride and won't ask his family for help....I told him if his girlfriend loves him so much he should go stay with her...she would probally be willing to help....I would rather have him safe with her than unsafe living in the car.....but he was saying how it was too early in there relationship for living together....I miss him alot...I wish he would come home and work with me....but he won't....today in C he immediatly started off pointing the finger how I did this and I did that...I sat quietly and listened....and I agreed with him.... I did mess up....and I was wrong....but I was proud of myself I did not cry....one good note...with my weight loss I was finally able to wear my diamond wedding ring again....and I wore it to C...and I will continue wearing it.....as long as I can...hopefully I will sleep better tonight....still having nightmares...but I got some ambien from the doctor hopefully it will help....now if I just didn't have the vomiting everymorning....i'd be on the road to getting better....my stomach is so bad in the morning...almost like morning sickness....

Maybe there is some hope in your situation, if your H is going to C with you. Also that he doesn't want to move in with his new girlfriend. I would say that it is definitely not hopeless, and maybe he will just take some time to overcome his anger and understand his feelings. Also, as you said before, he is missing out on spending time with his son. In the meantime maybe you can stop worrying about your own guilt, as his actions have been extremely hurtful to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by smur:
<strong> Maybe there is some hope in your situation, if your H is going to C with you. Also that he doesn't want to move in with his new girlfriend. I would say that it is definitely not hopeless, and maybe he will just take some time to overcome his anger and understand his feelings. Also, as you said before, he is missing out on spending time with his son. In the meantime maybe you can stop worrying about your own guilt, as his actions have been extremely hurtful to you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well i keep holding on to hope...but he keeps trying to squash it....he or his girlfriend is probally reading this since they both go to places online where I go...I had to delete my online journal...I do love him...today I told him I need a break from him....because having him around was hurting me alot...he said ok but then went and complained to friends I was being cruel and not even letting him have a place to shower....how do i look at it like this...you said you were a big boy and didn't need my help and you would FIND a way to survive without me...then why do you need to take a shower here? Men can't understand them.....I think i will be taking alot of time to do nice things for me....in the mean time...*gets super mom costume on*....the number one item is getting this house organized so the baby can have free roam to crawl and get to walkin....*huggles her little man*....my little angel is so cute....

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aj1/

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>