It's been six weeks since I spoke to my WW, and five weeks since she served me. Tomorrow is my 34th birthday.

I've sent her one card since then, and in response, the day after she returned from vacation with her grandmother, she cancelled our YMCA membership. Yesterday I tried to go work out and found that I was no longer a member.

The no contact is giving me no opportunities to do plan A. I'm in lostva territory here. Should I reach out to her? Stillseeking is urging me to do it. I was thinking of sending her a postcard and mentioning on there that I may give her a call this week.

I think I want to establish a pattern of sending her a little something each week. But I don't want to push too hard and do something that will make me appear clingy and desperate. I need advice badly.

I saw SIL this weekend and told her I'd like to meet with her and MIL. She said she was willing to do it, but hasn't called me back as promised.

Another question, a small thing. Is it common for the BS to stop wearing a wedding ring at a time like this? I keep mine on. It is a good reminder for me.

GC

Gray,

I have read SS's recent posts to you, as well as Lostva's story.

I do agree with SS now. Take advice from Lostva's letters to her WH and keep the letters light, with no ILY's, relationship, mushy talk.

I am so sorry when I come on here and read that you, TomJoad, Familyman and all the others are still in such anguish. I usually avoid all of your threads now because they bother me. But I am going to take a cue from Believer and try to be more helpful.

I would not take my ring off if I were you. You are still married and one of you has to have faith. You are strong and can carry the marriage alone right now, you have to, your marriage depends on it.

I sincerely hope that you have a nice birthday, Grey!

Do you have family? You never talk of your parents or siblings that I have read anyway. I know you have friends but any family around?

Weaver

graycloud, I encourage you to reestablish contact in small doses. I don't think it could hurt at this point, do you? I know that things have not worked out as roughroad would've liked (so far), but think on the advice that SH gave her. Small reminders that you're still here. Just something to to remind your wife of your name, to bring you into mind. Just be careful of what you write/send. I think a postcard is a great place to start.

I took my wedding rings off at first. Then when I decided that I was going to work on the M, without or without his help, I began wearing them again. He does not wear his, as far as I know, but he did surpringly wear them when he visited.

Just this week though I moved my rings from my left hand to my right. I'm not quite sure why I did that, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

I know your situation is more extreme than mine, but I think I'll get to your point before things turn around for me (if they do). Just wanted to give my 2 cents.

GC I am useless for advice as you know, I can't manage my own situation. just wanted to wish you well, and to say I'm praying for you.

also re: wedding rings, I took mine off on D-day. I will only put it on again when my W asks me to.

WW hasn't worn her rings since a sports injury 6 months ago.

Weaver, thank you for being here. I understand that the negativity is a burden. Try to see the beauty buried within all the pain. I am surprised at how much I continue to hurt. This sure takes time.

My family are close. I have one brother in the same city, and my parents aren't far. They call me almost every day. My mother is a worrier which frustrates me sometimes, but they're great people. They sent me a birthday card that made me weep like a fool yesterday. This hurts them badly too. My mother cries quite a bit when we talk.

I have a postcard for the sparrow, and I'm sending it in the morning. It's a copy of an old postcard from Yellowstone, a very cool design from the 1940s that was recently unearthed. Sparrow and I went there when we were first together, and it was a real special trip. I'll mention finding these cool postcards, and that I look forward to seeing the place again. Hopefully she won't respond, "You should go!" That's the kind of thing she does.

GC

Hi GC,

I have been following your posts and I think it would be okay to make contact. I think women tend to like cards so that is always good...maybe enclose a funny cartoon or beautiful quote. Also, did you ever notice that when women like someone they give them little "gifty" type things. Nothing serious, but something like a guardian angel pin or those little tiny books you see at the bookstore. Maybe go for funny and then touching.

It's worth a shot! Good luck!

GC - I definately think you should contact her. Keeping the lines of communication open can only be a good thing at this point, I mean how could it hurt? If WW is having any second thoughts about her actions she needs to see that the door is open. Without having any contact with you, it would be easy for her to sit back and assume you don't want her.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care.

well i'll just pig tail on what was all said here already. what do you have to lose at this point? i like the idea of a postcard because it's not something she has to open. she just flips it over to see who sent it and BAM! is the message from you. also you haven't antagonized her through email. stay the course and do what you can, when you can, for as long as you can, prayers to you, and happy birthday!! one way or another i'm sure this time next year will be a lot better for you, RR

i was reading the thread you started about the lostva story and one of your replies stuck to me, the one about the effort and the outcome. when i had my last session w/SH on friday, the last thing he asked me was if i had felt that i had done everything or if i felt any regret. i could honestly say that i didn't have any regret for things i had done or haven't done during these past months (after finding MB). like was said on the thread you started, if it makes you feel good to send the postcard then do it.

as far as the wedding rings go, well call it stubborness but i refuse to stoop to my WH's level and remove it while i'm still M. but as you said it also serves as a reminder. i don't even know if i'll take my ring off right away after the D because of trying to take the recommended time before starting to date again. anyway......

Postcard (a painting of the lower falls at Yellowstone):

Hi sparrow,

I found this card in a gift shop and remembered the time we were there. Wouldn't it be great to see the place again? I remember that trip so well - getting your first "Tussin" in Sheridan, all that sickness and car trouble the first few days... maybe I'll watch those films again sometime soon. Old Faithful going off for 30 seconds - gripping!

Have a great day. Miss you lots,

Graycloud

Oh - I don't have the sparrow's address. She has an "official" address, but I think she never gets mail there and probably doesn't even look.

Should I send this to her at work, or at MIL's address? If MIL gets it and calls to tell her, she might just say to throw it away. If she gets it at work, she might consider that out of bounds. I think the MIL address is best, but it takes away the element of surprise.

The sparrow lives with OM, but is supposed to move into her grandfather's house with her sister and niece in a week or two. The old guy is going into assisted living. I wonder if that will be another front, or if she'll actually live there.

GC

unfortunately that is the hand we have been dealt. not knowing if the WS gets our messages or not. that was a concern of my the past months that all the things i was sending (email, mail, phone messages) would not really be read/heard by H. but SH said just to continue what i was doing and if it only made my H think of me for a second then that's all i could expect. SH's point of the contact i was doing was to not let my H compartmentalize the situation which is obviously what he sparrow has done and what my H has done now by limiting contact.

i would say your guess is probably right about the work address and best to send it to MIL. even if the sparrow says throw it away (and MIL doesn't tell her what it said) just think that she might just wonder for awhile what it really said. it's a chipping away process and it's excruciatingly slow and even in the end there might still be a lot left to chip away at. but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have tried to chip it all away.