I don't want to come off as desperate yet at the same point, I want to remain some form of communication with him. I constantly struggle with whether or not I should be initiating contact...like a call tonite? Or should I give him his space so he can continue to ponder my nice gestures?

Thanks ( :

-k

Also, I am curious about how H acted at the bachelor party? I have stayed in contact with his buddies and they told me that anytime I need to talk that they were there. Would it be appropriate to call them to ask about the weekend? I am just curious if H was talking about a new woman to his buddies or sulking. Last time, his buddies said he was a zombie...H is usually talkative but he stayed in a corner at their last get-together. Should I call one of his buds or is this a NO-No.

Thanks,

K

K-

I wouldn't call the guys... Sit tight and wait some. Don't go overboard. It's hard, but wait.

How about someone else out there... fogless???? Are you still here?

2scared

Still chillin...haven't made a move to call his buds although I have been tempted. It is so hard not knowing...grrr! There is so much I want to share with him...pictures, stories but if he doesn't want to initiate contact to ask me about anything I am doing, I get the feeling he is not interested. Furthermore, he is not jumping at the opportunity to tell me what went on this past weekend or any other weekend for that matter....makes me wonder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I just finished reading the book, "His Needs, Her Needs. How to Build an Affair Proof Marriage." I want to write a letter and highlight some big points that I think are relevant for us but not sure if he will even read it. His mom send him Dr. Phil's Relationship Saver book about 2 weeks after he dropped the bomb on me and I guess he said he didn't plan on reading it to her. Thoughts?

K-

It sounds like you want to "teach" him a thing or two...or three, four...etc.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

I found another good one: "Repairing your marriage after his affair." By Marcella Bakur Weiner and Armand DiMele.

There are ton's of good books out there. Reading is good...it will occupy your time when not training. Training? Did I say training? Just how hard are you training. Kona is October 16th!.

Get busy running your skinny little legs off.

2scared

Yes...Surviving the Affair is the other book I read besides a countless amount of columns on infidelity. Is sending these books just something that will annoy him...a LB?

I get to taper for Hawaii now ( : I did my big training weekend in Wisconsin. Today, I got a much needed massage!!! Tomorrow, I'm back at it with a spin class and track workout. Three weeks to go!

hey kjb, congrats on winning your race this past Saturday!!

for what it's worth, don't call the guys to ask about H, may seem like an OK thing to do, but NOT.... if word gets back to H that your talking with "the guys" about his M problems, don't think that will bring him home...

question, are you sure the A is over? Is there NC between them now?

fogless..

When he dropped the bomb, he said he ended the affair in Jan; she apparently moved but I don't know what is a lie or what is the truth anymore. He admitted to taking a couple girls out on dates over a month ago but that could be a lie to...I visited his place and he certainly wouldn't be winning points from females with his new bachelor pad although his new bedroom set was nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I don't know how to confront him about this or to expose an affair that I am not sure is taking place? Some of my male friends said that he would NOT be acting nice to me if he was dating someone else right now. How can I be sure of this without stalking him? He only has a cell phone so it is not like I am going to leave a voice mail so that his potential girlfriend could hear. I am not sure I would handle seeing him with another woman very well right now. I am not the type to lash out like he has...I would probably bury myself in tears.

It is killing me not knowing what is in his head. He seemed so adament about treating me like s*&# despite me doing no harm and acting very nice to him and also seemed very content about ending our marriage when he first broke the news to me...even stated, "I had an affair, I enjoyed the affair, I am not sorry it happened, I am in general a loner, I don't want to be married, I am happy with my life."

I didn't do a damn thing for him to act out like this. His mom even said that her son is an A**hole and doesn't deserve me. She wrote an apology letter to my parents. His dad wrote him a letter saying "what the hell are you doing. K has does NOTHING wrong; you have to treat her with respect." Even H told me that he does not deserve a good person like me. His self esteem must be so low yet he acts like this arrogant jerk everytime we get together. The good news is that I have seem some flashes of the man I married over the past couple weeks...these flashes are just not as frequent as I'd like and I have no way of interpreting what it means for our future.

In reading the books by Harley, I think the fact that I have been spending time away from him training for Ironman, getting my business launched may have lead him to feel discontent because I had less time to commit to him, to his emotional needs. BUT I was supportive as he spent time away from me chasing after his dream of becoming a firefighter, when he was training hard for a marathon...I was honest with him, even stating I was sad that we didn't have as much time together but knew that his chasing after his dream would lead to more time together in the future. I didn't go out at f*$& another man cuz he wasn't home to meet my emotional needs nor has the thought ever crossed my mind. I communicated to him when I was sad about things; he lied to me when I asked him what was wrong (he said stress at work) and what I could do to help him.

I think we can both can work on adjusting our schedules so we can spend more time together doing the activities that initiall drew us together. This will allow us to better meet each other's emotional needs. I have already told him that I will be training for shorter, less time-consuming triathlons next year and that I want to change my work schedule to mesh better to his so we could spend more time together. He hasn't said that he would change a damn thing...he is the one who has screwed up yet I am pulling all the weight. This is not easy not that I thought it would be. I just never dreamed that I would be thrown this obstacle in life.

I guess I am torn as to how to move forward to help our chances. I don't think lack of communication will help...he'll think he has won by driving me to another man's arms. After all, he doesn't think he deserves me. This would be an easy decision if he weren't my husband but I love the man I married and want to do everything possible to bring this man back home to me. Friends and family (even his) are wondering why I am still waiting around for this immature being that has emerged this past year but I can only follow what my heart is telling me now.

Continued thoughts always appreciated.

Thanks,

-K

Yeah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> H finally didn't reject me for what I am going to consider a mini date on Thursday at lunchtime. I haven't sit down and had a meal with him since June; let's just hope that he doesn't act as mean and arrogant as he did then. I consider this good although he is still hyping on me to change all the bills in our once shared living space over to my name which isn't a good sign in my name. Please keep us in your prayers...I am hoping this leads to something good.

I plan on wearing a sexy mini skirt to show off my toned Kona-bound legs along with a tight, cleavage revealing tank top (since he seemed so intrigued by my cold boobs last time we met <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). I won't bring up talk of "us" as I don't think it is the time yet. I just want to have nice conversation and give him an intimate hug/modest kiss on cheek after the date is over. Any input as to how I should handle what I feel like is a first date?

Here is how it all went down (of course I initiated contact once again):

I wrote:
"Well, did you survive the bachelor party?
Betcha you were on cloud nine despite the Chargers losing; Oakland won. Of course I was more excited about the Bears beating the Packers."

He wrote:
"Ya, the bachelor party was fun. I won $200, so it was good. The charger game was pretty boring since they got crushed. All else is good, just busy with work."

I wrote:
"Hey....just thinking. I am actually going to be up north on Thursday around lunchtime. I would love to see where you work and meet for lunch. Are you available?"

He wrote:
"Thats fine, but remember I eat kinda early. Also you can see the outside of the buildings, but can't really come in cuz they have all this security in place where you have to show your passport to prove you are a US citizen before you can come into my building. We can just meet outside and go someplace from there."

I wrote:
"My god...sounds like Mission Impossible. Do you have a voice activated doorway to enter your office? What time do you want to meet on Thursday? What is the best way to your office if I'm heading north on 5?"

2scared...your in my thoughts and prayers for your MC session tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

Ok...see, just little things make my day. I feel like a little kid. It is not the H I married quite yet...he would have acted a lot more excited back in the day...but I'll take it now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Back to work...

-K

kjb,

The lunch date sounds perfect, a good quick way to make contact, have a conversation, but not so long that either of you get uncomfortable, (and I'm sure the mini skirt and tank top will keep him interested... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

You know the little steps are the biggest and hardest ones to take.. your right, I would not talk about "us", just let the converstation go wherever..

Your doing great, hang in there, your H will make his way through the fog..

fogless...

Thanks Fogless...am looking forward to the encounter but also not trying to get my hopes up too much because I have gotten way to emotional after previous encounters. I can't help but to picture the two of us going out on the town on Sat night, grooving on the dance floor, have a few drinks. I may ask him if he is interested since I am not racing this weekend. What do you think?

kjb,

My thoughts...
See how lunch goes, see how responsive he is during your conversations. If things seem to be going well maybe you could just mention that it's been a long time since you guys have gone out for drinks, danced alittle, maybe remind him of some time you guys were out and a great time you had.. See how he bites on that, but don't push it.. If he seems to be interested, then as you guys are leaving tell him you have to run an errand or something his way on Sat. and would he like to go out for a drink..

Just remember, wheither he admits it or not, he feels great shame for what he has done/is doing, and it's easier to just stay to himself.. Don't take his rejections personal, it has nothing to do with you, it's all about him...

Post back and let us know how lunch goes...
Stay positive, it will work out..

fogless...

Do you think it is appropriate to share pictures from my recent trip in Wisconsin?

He was supposed to race it. I am a little hesitant because my mom is in some of the pictures and he may feel increased shame when he sees my family...I am sure he has played out that he doesn't want to have to confront my parents. Perhaps I can show him the pictures without her in it???

Thoughts...pictures or no pictures?

2scared...how did your MC session go? Hopefully, there were some positive strides made ( :

Interesting day on my end. This morning in the midst of a very busy client load, I received a message from Urgent Care asking if my H was ok. It kind of freaked me out because my H NEVER goes and sees a doc even when he is feeling under the weather. So I call H on his cell; he picks up and is obviously under the weather...has chronic bronchitis but now has an URI. So anyways, I decide that after my busy client load that I'd drop by and give him a care package....bought Naked Juice smoothies, zinc lozenges, Diet Dew (his favorite drink), Propel water, and soup. I get to his place and no one is there. I start to doubt where he could be at. If he was so sick, wouldn't he be home resting...nope. I leave the care package at his door along with a note saying "sorry I missed ya...hope you are feeling better. love ya, K." He calls me after I leave a message with him on his cell...."hey I am headed home from Target." Again, I think this is weird since he told me how ****ty he felt. I figure if he truly was on his way home from Target, he'd call to thank me for the care package. Nope. Perhaps he was buying me a gift from Target (yeah right). I call him and briefly talk; he doesn't thank me until I ask him about receiving my note. He ends the call saying he has to finish up laundry and that he doesn't think we should meet for lunch tomorrow because he doesn't want to get me sick before my big race in Kona in 3 weeks. So, back to rejection <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> At least he was thinking of me...

Don't know what else to do...have made a lot of nice gestures this past week so perhaps I should sit back and let him do something nice for me? Thoughts?

Thanks ( :

-K

Hey everyone,

I've been out of town for work for a couple of days....

My world has been falling apart. Basiclly, my W feels too hurt by the PAST to even begin working on us. She admitted I was doing everything now to repair BUT she didn't want to. So, she wants to persue legal avenues (who knows if that is seperation or divorce). She cancelled out on the MC session but I went anyway. I'll fill you all in more later. ARGHHHHHHH.

2scared

Sorry to hear your wife didn't show. When was the last time you guys talked eye to eye?

As I BW, I know that I start thinking about another future with someone else and doubt our marriage when I fail to receive any nice words or have no contact with H for awhile. Initially and to this day, I still think about is how he DESTROYED my happy world for several months, how much PAIN he caused me, and how scared I am to think about living a future with someone who took my love for granted. However, I constantly remind myself of the good times, the tenderness of the man I married, and how much I love this man.

Your wife still loves you but is confused much like I am. Do you have ways to contact her? Perhaps you can put together a little book of memories and below each picture encapsulate why these moments with her are so special. Then, end the book by telling her your thoughts right now....how much it devastates you to think about spending future moments without her in the picture. I would be taken by this but don't think my H is quite at this point yet. There is no telling how long he is going to beat around the bush but I am encouraged by his nicer words.

I am sending continuous prayers that things work out for you and your wife.

Have a great day...keep your chin high and keep smiling. Surround yourself around positive people this weekend and do things that keep you smiling. I have to do this to keep myself sain when my emotions are running high.

I'll be thinking of ya.

-K

K-

Please keep me in your prayers...It will take a miracle at this point.

She emailed all our kids (s23, d21, d18) to tell them that she was going to end the marriage. She is serious...

I wrote her a letter pleading with her to give reconcilliation a chance, but I don't know if it will help. I also recounted our M in a 10 page memory list of wonderful events that shaped our life together.

BUT, in the end, she has to WANT to reconcile. I can't make her...God however, can. So let's seek HIS help.

I know I'm walking out a much different path than I was and I am walking where God wants me. That's good. That's all I can do. I can only change me...and I have started that process.

It's in Gods hands now.

2scared

2-scared: I truly hope things work out for the best for you and your family. Although I have doubted this belief this summer, I always thought things happened for a reason. Whether we end up with what we desire right now (our spouses that we love dearly) or out on our own, we both be ok and live very fulfilled lives. For the both of us, I will continue to pray.

I had another rough night myself yesterday. Whenever I don't hear from H, I start to lose hope and get very emotional <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

TGIF...off to a Padres game and a haunted house (can't believe Halloween is in a month) tonite with some friends so I am not home alone.

-K

K-

Thanks for the encouragement.

Enjoy your weekend. The card's have already won the division.

I am alone tonight. That's not good. That's when the walls close in and my thoughts turn to dispair. Enjoy yourself.

And yes, we will end up being ok. God has a plan for us and it is for good. You are in my prayers too. I hope your husband calls.

2scared

2scared,

I have been following your posts here on this thread. Can get your wife to read on this board? Has she looked at the MB website? Has she gotten any of the books suggested here like Torn Asunder or Not Just Friends? As a BS this website has been such a blessing for me. As I know it has been for so many people. And I know you are finding help here.

So I can't remember if you ever said what her feelings about the board are? I wonder if she could read your heartfelt posts and posts from other BSs if it would help her. I feel for her. It has really helped me to know that I'm not alone. That there are others who share my pain, and sadly, that some people are suffering oh so much more than me and my H. There is so much sadness here. It makes me remember to count my blessings.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />