Thanks 2scared...I have to admit that I am very disappointed. I asked for my WH's support at my first triathlon as an elite and he didn't show (and the race was only 1/4 mile from his apartment). I just don't think he cares one bit about me or my feelings anymore. I am not going anywhere as I am a fighter but it is becoming increasingly demoralizing to be fighting hard and constantly getting knocked down.

On a brighter side, despite my WH's lack of support, I finished my first elite race with a 2nd overall showing. If I had 1k more on the run, I'd would have catched the top pro..posted a 17:30 5k split which is a personal record for me outside a triathlon let alone post swim and bike <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> And it is amazing to me how many people are so supportive...had clients cheering me on, friends cheering me on, my sponsor and teammated cheering me on, and even strangers who know "of me" as a nutritonist cheering me on...have to admit, it made me feel good when I was feeling pretty gloomy.

I am off to a barbecue this afternoon...a bunch of guys are having a Hawaii send off party for those of us racing in a couple weeks. It should be a blast and anything beats my lonely apartment at this point.

Have a great day,

-K

One question...should I keep him on ignore until after Hawaii...make him wonder how I did, what I am up to? Or should I be trying to be in contact with him? I have a dentist appt near his work on Thursday and could meet him for dinner if he would accept...just don't know how receptive he'd be and I don't want to be an emotional wreck a week out from Hawaii! Thoughts?

Thanks ( :
-K

You could offer to meet but I don't think he will. It would be for your sense of doing the right thing and planting availability into his mind for future plan B thinking.

If he says no then put him on ignore. Focus! Kona! Kona! Kona!!!!!

I had a great day yesterday. We to STL and spent the day with my sister and her family. They are so supportive and fun. It kept my mind off "things". Then on the way home my Daughter called. She's coming in next week and want to spend the night at my apartment and the day Friday with me. OHHHHH Yeahhhhh. I told her if her mom wanted to come over with her I would fix them both dinner. She indicated that my wife wouldn't but quickly added she didn't agree with it. My daughter is coming around and seeing my heart and efforts. That's great! I sure love my family, and I just hope consistant right living will win my W back.

Have fun at the BBQ. Congrat's on the race. 17min.... hmmm I could run a close to 2 miles... well, maybe 1.5. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2scared

Hey 2scared...so glad things are going well for ya! Every positive story I read on this site inspires me! Have a great day ( :

-K

K-

How was the BBQ?

2scared

K-

OMG... the RAM'S were awesome!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry to break up all this casual Sunday chit-chat with an on-topic post, but.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm a brand new FWH. Multiple ONS's and A's facilitated (but not blamed on) the fact that I'm in a popular band.
My W had an affair within a few months before D-Day, unrelated to my cheating but more related to "do I want to be with a musician" issues.

I'm solidly in Plan A, following the precepts and those in Katie Coston's book, treating my BS/WW with love, compassion, calm, remorse, and promise, with NO LB'ing whatsoever at any time, even when she brings up her OM.
I'm quitting my band, changing my lifestyle, surrounding myself with positive influences, focusing on my career and trying to rebuild her respect in me.

So...I'm in a strange position compared to others here...in that I'm both the WH and the BS in a way, and since my A's were all purely temporary, disposable ego-boosts with no romantic or serious overtones that would make me super-foggy for any length of time.

Hey VM-

Jump in here anytime! Katie's book was the very first one I read after D-Day. I used so much of her insight to begin working on my issues. It helped me keep from saying and doing the wrong thing. It was good to read her perspective (as a BW). Good stuff!

I see your seperated. Are you able to talk to your W? Is she responding to your planA? Did she move out?

As to your fog, I would say the fog is less with a less addictive relationship. The less EA the less fog. Once the A is over and NC established for some time then the fog clears. If your W is still in contact she's still building an EA and is in the fog.

Since you've been there done that, you should understand with empathy. Stick to plan A.

Is there anything we can do for you?

2scared

Hey 2scared...bbq was fun, was just innocent fun with a little drinking, lots of socialization, and food ( : Glad to hear your team kicked a** yesterday. I am bummed the Cubbies are slipping...ugh.

Did you happen to read my post about self esteem/personal happiness and relationship succcess? Do you have any thoughts for me? I continue to try to comprehend what the hell is going on with WH...should go back to school and get a PHD in psychology (ha ha ha). If you get a chance, give me your thoughts. ( :

Thanks,

-K

Ok..2scared, fogless, other WS's? Here is my previous post about the correlation between self esteem/personal happiness and relationships success....thoughts, comments?

Trying to be the psychologist that I am not but here is my take on this subject:

I know I was giving my WH affection but the boom in my business and Ironman training took away from the attention I used to be able to give fully to him. When our lives started to divert, I supported WH and gave him words of encouragement and he recipricated it back to me, yet WH felt discontent on a personal level (hated his job, wasn't moving forward with the firefighting, was stressed about homelife...starting a family, investing in a home, etc.). WH never communicated his perceptions about failure but it showed through...he would be so pissed, get very angry, would be sad, just show a lot of emotions that were atypical from the confident person I knew and married. I believe the affair took him away from reality, allowed him to be with someone who physically satisfied him but someone who did not know about his perceived failure in firefighting. The affair also allowed WH to live a surreal life where he could momentarily forget about the stresses at home (bills, etc.). Once the affair became an addiction, I believe WH started to doubt his love for me...after all, how could he be screwing around with another woman if he did indeed love me??? When I would try to be affectionate, WH wasn't able to perform or he would just not participate (the affection would be one-sided which was very demoralizing to me and I am sure it conflicted him even more). WH became confused, angry at himself, and socially isolated. Nothing seemed to be fun for WH anymore...WH ended the affair last January but let all these unhealthy thoughts/emotions bottle up inside of him until it hit a boiling point in May....then, boom, the ticking bomb explodes and all this confusion, these emotions come out in a very angry manner and unfortunately, I am at the receiving end. Right now, I think WH feels utterly ashamed for his actions and consequently believes that the right thing to do is to let me move on to a man who will treat me better than he has this past year. I almost think WH feels that he has to punish himself before he is able to move forward in life...his punishment, letting go of me, the one woman who stole his heart almost 5 years ago.

Can anyone relate? FWH/WH's, does any of this hit home? Or am I failing this psychological analysis of my relationship woes with WH?

Me: 28 yo FW of 3.5 years. Been best friends and lovers for 5 years
Him: 30 yo WH; had 4 month affair with co-worker last fall, ended it in Jan, let emotions build up until May, dropped bomb and left me, been separated ever since. We have had minimal contact. I have been plan A'ing my a** off with little or no response from WH. There have been no divorce papers filed thank god.

K-

You're over analyzing this whole situation. You were both over involved in your own lives and not investing in a together life. You both began to divert different directions... BUT, you can both regroup and become involved again. That is, after he ends the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> after all, how could he be screwing around with another woman if he did indeed love me??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a "girl" view. Men actually have a hard time leaving the M for the OW and vica versa because they indeed DO fall in love with BOTH woman (or so they think). That is one of the most confusing things for men. They think they love them both...for different reasons.

Your H is in the fog. Believe none of what he is saying right now and less than half of what he does. He's messed up. Foggy. Stick to Plan A and not psychotherapy. Unless you can get like $200 per hour... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2scared

Yes I have been told I overanalyze things too much in the past...usually by my professors in college though...never dreamed I'd be told that on a marriage builders chatline!

Plan A continues....but what I am confused by is whether or not I should be making an effort to contact him or should I just hang back and let him wonder what I am up to???? It felt good to be interacting with him even if it was just e-mail but it didn't seem to be leading anywhere although I have an inkling that it is more beneficial than completely ignoring him. I am kind of pissed at WH right now....I had asked him to come out and watch me/support me at my first tri as an elite yesterday...afterall, it was in his backyard. Did he show? Nope. He has been a sh*tty husband this past year and really hasn't being much of a friend these past 4 months either...it hurts so much to be treated like dirt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am not sure if WH is involved deeply with another woman although I suspect it...he says he has been on dates since he left me, doesn't say he is dating exclusively though...see where I am going. Remember, he ended his 4 month affair last January. Of course...I guess I can't believe a damn thing he is saying to me. This is so hard because I have a HUGE need for honest communication and I am receiving neither right now. Plus, I have to admit, I long to feel loved and share my love...just rather it be my WH as I am cannot fathom being with anyone else.

How is your day going?

-K

Ok so I can't sleep...just thinking of ways I could possibly expose the affair without my WH knowing....it is a long shot but it may actually work.

WH's best man's aunt, who attended our wedding and knows the both of us well (yet doesn't know about H's affair), referred a girl from Phoenix to WH right around the time he dropped the bomb on me. Anyways, she thought WH would be able to show her around a bit and since WH volunteered with animal control and she was interested in it that he could show her the ropes. Turns out that WH asked her out and they have been out on dates. I am guessing OW does NOT know WH is married. Initially, WH was set up in an apartment that a friend of mine owns....she would report back to me that female overnight stuff would always be laying around which gives me the indication that perhaps this relationship has evolved into something more serious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Anyways, I think I could get this girl's contact info through the lady who referred her to WH in which case I could contact this girl and get a feel for what is going on and also ask her to end the relationship (not sure how this will go but I will offer to meet with her to talk). It is sneaky and hopefully WH would not find out details...would tell this girl to please just end the relationship with a little white lie about her reasoning. I figure ending the affair will hopefully allow WH and I to discuss our marriage sooner rather than me sitting here torturing myself waiting. Thoughts?

Family matters with WH's are not good right now. WH's parents are very disappointed in him, not only for what he has done to me but also for the fact that he has blatently lied to them. Anyways, WH's grandma (fathers side) took a turn for the worse tonite...most likely will not make it to week's end. To top it off, WH's sister was recently diagnosed with breast cancer (which has spread into lymph nodes)...she recently spoke the words, "Dad am I going to die" to WH's father. Anyways, WH's dad has been deeply affected by our situation (lost 10 lbs) and now is dealing with the imminent death of his mother and his daughter being ill. I really feel for them...I know WH has been very distant from his parents and they are very taken back by this. Tough situation to add to the chaos.

Thoughts? Am I completely nuts or could this help? I just feel like I need to get the ball rolling in some manner...hopefully in a positive direction.

Me: 28 yo Faithful wife of 3.5 years
Him: 30 yo WH who had 4 month affair last fall, ended it, dropped bomb and left me in May, admits to dating now. NO DIVORCE PAPERS have been filed although he says that I have to move on, typical "fog" talk.

K-

NOT NOW!

You have to focus on Kona. AFTER kona you can discuss exposing the A. Your H's world is crashing down so the timing will be fine. You have to let this go for 10 days. FOCUS.

Kona...then expose the A.

NOT expose... then Kona.

Got it? Let it go....


2scared

Fogless....

Talk some sense into this girl.

2scared

Sorry...I don't why all of a sudden I go on this crying binges. I am fine one moment and then boom, I am devastated again. I guess the whole sleep thing just causes me to think, to dream, to wonder, to drive myself literally insane. I was up until 2am acting nutso last night and I am sure I will feel the consequences these next couple days.

2scared, you are right that I need to focus on Kona. Am I doing the right thing ignoring WH right now though? THe only thing I have sent him is a forward from his mother last night, which talked about his grandma's deteriorating health...thought he needed to know and I really don't think he is in close contact with his parents right now. When I am in Kona, should I send him a postcard or shall I let him sit and wonder (not like he can't find out). I suppose I should make that decision based on whether or not he actually wishes me luck prior to or congrats me after the race. He didn't do it this past weekend so I am NOT holding much hope right now...another reason, I am feeling extra sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I need someone to whack me yet I need someone to hold and comfort me too. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hope you have a nice day

-K

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Another negative...I feel like such a loser. In my nutso episode last night, I posted an e-mail to the lady who referred the girl who WH took on a date but apparently nothing else has become of it...feel like such an idiot (see below e-mail from her). What is wrong with me?

K,

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. Having been there myself I know it is extremely painful.

I can assure you that the young lady I introduced to S is NOT having an affair with him. He is simply a friend, and has helped her with resources in San Diego. I speak to her weekly and I know this to be a fact. They are not even speaking that frequently any more now that she's settled and working full time. She has been through a very painful situation in her recent past when she was unwittingly placed in exactly that situation and she would NEVER, EVER allow herself to be there again. She is fully aware you and S are separated and would never pursue any relationship with him for that reason alone. THEY ARE FRIENDS. K, I promise you, this young woman has the highest moral standards and would never, ever betray them. There is nothing to break up, as there is nothing going on. Period. End of story. If you attempt to confront this woman, you will only embarrass yourself and accomplish nothing.

I strongly suggest you concentrate on making yourself stronger and whole, and expend your emotional and physical energy on building a new and happy life.

I wish you well,

J

ME: 28 yo FW who feels like an complete loser right now <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Him: 30 yo WH who had 4 month affair last fall, ended it, dropped bomb in May, left me, admits to dating other woman while I sit here and hold hope for us??? No divorce papers filed but this seems to be the likely outcome in the near future.

K-

You made a mistake... that's okay. We all do. You're human. Pick yourself up, and let's go forward.

Now... Set WH aside for the time being. It will be good for you and him. Focus on Kona.

You need to take care of YOU. Stop letting your mind obsess. Take a deep breath and focus.

You're a strong lady! Put him on hold (and that doesn't mean with your hands around his throat.).

No more nutso stuff. KONA.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2scared

Thanks 2scared...it has been a bad day as my psychotic behavior of the night has certainly cause a major LB to occur. Apparently, the e-mail I sent to this lady to see if her identity was the one I was seeking was forwarded to my WH. My WH calls (in the middle of my coaching session with our wedding officiant go figure) saying "we need to talk." I call him back after the session is over...kind of dreading what I was about to hear. He asked what I was contacting this lady about. I told him the truth and he just said, you need to stop worrying about what is going on my life. I told him that I'd like to be able to share what is going on in each other's lives. He replied by saying, If I want to share stuff, I will tell you but you need to stop this. You are freaking me out...stop coming by my place, stop calling me, stop trying to find out about my life.

So I guess WH has set it straight...I need to move on, focus on myself. I won't totally give up on our marriage but I have to admit I am losing faith for everything I believed so strongly in prior to this state of emotional hell I was thrown in 4 months ago. Perhaps he is fogged, perhaps he is not but it is obvious he doesn't want me involved in his life right now and I don't even think he is involved in an affair at the moment.

What does that say about me? He doesn't want anything to do with me even when he is not with OW. I am crushed, rejected, devastated...words cannot describe my pain right now. I know I have done nothing wrong but it is hard to accept the person I trusted most and gave my life to 3.5 years ago is willing to treat me so harshly, show no remorse for his actions, and basically just throw 5 years of amazing memories away.

Hope your day is going better than mine...all I can say is that I cannot wait to get the [censored] out of San Diego...Hawaii will be a heaven send...I need to be surrounded by supportive, loving people and it will be easier to concentrate on the good that is in my life right now. Something positive is bound to happen there because I swear to god I cannot tolerate being crapped on anymore.

-K

K-

{{{{{{{{{{K}}}}}}}}}}

I got the same email from my W. "Get away, stay away and don't contact...get over it...get on with life."

Yes, it hurts beyond anything...and the fears close in, haunting your self esteem. BUT it's the fog. You need to stay in plan A and try not to LB. Give him space even though it feels like that space is his abandonment. He might just need to miss you. The space will do several things... It will let you heal and it will let him miss you.

I am curious as to HOW the email got forwarded to your WH. I assume it went to friend who sent it to the girl who sent it to WH. If so... why?
It's food for thought, not action.

Okay? No actions.

How was the coaching session?

Train... focus... KONA!

I'm praying for you.

2scared