Thanks 2scared...hug was needed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am feeling better...attended my last track workout before Kona tonite so my coach honored me along with all racing Chicago Marathon on Sunday in front of the 300 runners training with us on the track. Everyone knows me as a friendly person, nutritionist, and great athlete so I was embraced and given hugs by many which cheered me up immensely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Last night in my psycho behavior, I was searching for the contact info of the lady who gave WH the number of a girl moving from Phoenix to San Diego. I found her name on the website but wasn't sure I had the right name so I sent an e-mail stating..."is this the "name" that attending our wedding on June 17, 2001?" signed, me. She forwarded this to my WH cuz she wanted to make sure everything was ok. All hell broke loose from there on out.

I am going to give WH all the space he needs now...I have been nothing but nice (well, besides my little psycho move last night) to him and now he needs to learn what it is like without that direct love and support I have given him throughout this mess despite his wrongdoings. I have heard many stories of cheating spouses finally realizing their love when it is finally not in front of their faces anymore (meaning it appears as we have moved on). We shall see what happens. Things can't get worse so I got nothing to lose with this new strategy.

The coaching went well...cried my a** off but it was good to get things off my chest to someone who knows "us" as a couple (she married us). Hopefully, WH will take advantage of her too since she was the only one (besides me) that he really has opened up to about his feelings for me as well as his feelings about love and marriage. Our whole wedding ceremony was based on individual interviews she had with each one of us about these feelings; needless to say, it was a very emotional ceremony that pretty much everyone got teary eyed in. I miss that moment.

Well, back to work. In my emotional hell of the day, I failed to get much work done. Tomorrow is busy and then Thurs I am taking a "me" day, doing some shopping for Hawaii and some of my girlfriends are taking me for a "ladies night out" extravaganza. It should be fun.

Have a great night...thanks for the support...I really needed it today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-K

K-

Begin reading up on plan B. It's not easy, but most WS's don't turn back during plan A...that happens in plan B. But plan A is the set up for plan B.

You don't want his last memory of "contact" to be your "psycho move". Yuck. So, I think one last email or postcard before Kona would be nice. Just take the bad taste out of his mouth before "going dark".

Have fun with the girls... OMG...

2scared

Yeah...I agree, I sent him this e-mail (see below) today along with a picture. I don't really think I will be a good Plan B type of gal so I prefer to go forth with sending him a "wish you were here" postcard from Kona reminiscing about our trip from last year at this time. After that, I will sit back and see what he does.

Hey S,

Sorry about today...didn't mean to make you mad. Thought you may like to see this picture of baby Stef (who turns 1 on Nov 1) and I when I was back in Chicago for IM Wisconsin.

Have a great day,

K

K & fogless-

Okay, I don't have much hope right now but I think a small (very small) glimmer of hope just peeked through...

My 19 yr old daughter just came into town from college. She stopped by my apartment to say hi. She's going to stay at with my W tonight and they are going shopping tomorrow (my W is a teacher...taking off). Then there again tomorrow night. Friday I'm taking off work and my D and I are going to spend the day together. THEN....get this.... my W has agreed to come to my apartment and let me fix supper. OMG... she hasn't EVER come by my apartment (moved in july). My D told her to do it and she agreed. OHhhhhh yeahhhhh!

Okay.. I have to figure out what to cook...

Heck... I have to figure out HOW to cook.

So...Friday night I am going to cook supper for D and W. Then maybe a movie???????

I wish...

2scared

2scared...that is great news!!! Will you make her fav dinner? You never know...perhaps if you rent her fav movie, she'll stick around a bit longer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am feeling not only betrayed as a wife but also as a friend. WH has ignored me and acted cold ever since I wrote the letter about working on things as a couple. I feel like he wants me out of his life completely and if this is the case, why the hell am I stickin around? I don't want to be this person he feels like he can walk all over...I won't stand for that. I have too much to offer and will not be treated like dirt for the rest of my life. I thought the world of WH and spoke so highly of him always...I have nothing good to say about this person he has become. It is so hard to keep my mouth shut because people who don't know still call and ask me how WH is. I was at the dentist today and they kept asking about WH....bumped into a client today...asked me how WH is....got an e-mail today from a friend...said they are going to be in Kona and look forward to seeing WH and I and cheering me on. I don't know how to respond to this...I have been dodging the bullet and just stating facts....like WH has a new job, we are both very busy, blah, blah but deep down inside, I am screaming for that perfect life with WH that I had so I could share it with all like I used to.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Ok, here we go again...this is so frickin hard!

Have a great time on Friday...will be thinking about you and jealous too as I most likely will share another meal with myself much like I have for the majority of these past 5 months.

-K

K-

My Daughter just called. It will just be us tomorrow...My W bailed out. Not coming. "Can't do it...not ready yet".

BULL CRAP... ARGH!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I had such high hopes. I can't make her love me. All I can do is love her and if she chooses to walk away then God will take care of me. It just hurts so bad. Rejection... the story of my marriage. She doesn't want me!!! (Except my money which she is spending as fast as she can). I'm trying to reconnect and she's pushing me away as hard as she can. I walking toward her and she's walking away faster than I can walk. She wants me to go away... I should just do that! ARGH!

We really shouldn't be going through this mood at the same time. Who will keep us sane? Fogless.... where are you?

A very broken hearted 2scared

Sorry to hear that 2scared...perhaps she'll change her mind again????

Look at the bright side...you can still enjoy dinner with your daughter. I have no family here in Cali...they are all in the midwest or the east coast which makes me very lonely. Yes, I have friends but they also have family to tend to in the evenings. It is ever so depressing to see my wedding party/close friends starting families when I was just talking about this with my WH 6 months ago <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Keep your chin up and I'll try to do the same....9 days until Kona ( :

-K

2scared, Fogless...posted a separate thread but thought I'd share here too since you have followed my story and have helped guide me...

"Well, tonite was interesting. WH called out of the blue to say he needed to stop by to drop off mail, that he was leaving town and wanted to get me the mail before I leave for Kona on Tuesday. So I put on a sexy short skirt and a cleavage revealing top <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , lightly sprayed on some purfume, and fixed my hair. I felt great. It was nice to see him. He gave me a hug and wished me luck in my race, gave me my mail, and got into his car. As he got ready to leave, I strutted confidently down the street in my little skirt and top....another guy passed by in his car with full eyes on me. My WH saw this and responded by waving goodbye and honking at me as he left. It made me feel good. I also noticed that he made some effort with his appearance...had a nice shirt and some new shorts on and I have to admit, he was looking HOT. Maddy K...er, my libido was kickin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Apparently, he is going home to his parents (who are very pissed off at his behaviors towards me) and to visit his sick grandma (who also loves me but does not know of our situation). I think it will good for him to go home to family...the fact that he is confronting them is a positive sign since he knows how disappointed they are about our situation. Perhaps some of the pictures of us that his parents have in the house and some of the leftover things they have for us when we come home (they bought us matching slippers for when we come home for the holidays) will trigger something. We shall see. He comes home on Sunday and I don't leave until Tuesday so I wonder if he'll give me a ring before I leave.

Anyways, these little things honestly make my day. It is pretty amazing since my WH used to bend head over heals to please me and now all it takes is a competitive wave and honk from him to get me going. I guess if we ever get back together, our first lovemaking session in ages is sure to send fireworks nationwide <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> "

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 WH
Married: 3.5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended Jan on his will.

Separated since May '04 when he dropped the bomb on me and left, signing a year lease on another apartment. He admits to dating, I am NOT dating.
No divorce papers filed thank god...still hoping and praying for reconcilation.

K-

I have no doubt you will "hurt" him the first time you two make love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Pressure from people we care about can clear fog quickly. It might just be a real good thing to have his parents rag on him some. Sit back and let them give him heck!

You leave tuesday! OMG... it's finally alomst here. I wish you the best luck and will follow you via the internet. You will be in my prayers.

Just remember...the most difficult challenge will not be physical, but mental. You can do MUCH more than your body thinks. It's the mental that will stop you. Push through what you think you can do and you will achieve greatness.

Good luck!

2scared

2scared and/or fogless -

Please check out my post "Breaking Point". I'm desperate for your insight on a couple things.

Thanks much

kjb,

glad to hear about your H dropping by, sounds like he may be fogless bound.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
and I'm sure he did notice the other guy as he drove off, smart move on your part.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
but don't worry with that now, you need to be concentrating on your up coming race, which I know you are..

Think positive...
All will work out..

fogless..

hey 2,

sorry to hear about your W, but you know it's still a positive thing. At least she was thinking about it, was willing to try, that means your actions are being noticed... keep it up....

How was your visit with your daughter?
Hope all went well.

Fogless...

Thanks guys...OMG is right, I can't believe I leave on Tuesday! My coach joined me for my last mini long run this morning and then treated me to breakfast; we went over my race day goals: 1) Have fun, 2) Finish, and 3) Time goal of sub 11 hours if all goes well. My bike is all packed up and ready to go. I have friends flying in just to see me race which is really cool...means a lot with the crazy, sad emotional rollercoaster I have been during the entirity of my IM training program. Oh, and I get to be on the Ironman stage on Wednesday...am on a panel of experts as the sports nutritionist who will be interviewing Lori Bowden (last year's champion) and Luke Bell (pro from Australia) about their race day plans. Anyways, it will be killer exposure and will most likely get me a ticket to the postrace festivities with the pro's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2-scared...I am so sorry that dinner didn't go well with your wife. As I have been told, it ain't over until the fat lady sings...no divorce papers have been filed, have they? I am scared that my WH might file after I return from Hawaii. If he doesn't, then I will really start to believe he is conflicted about truly letting me go...afterall, he didn't seem to like me getting hit on by the random guy in the truck. It was almost like he was marking his territory as he left. That is not the behavior of someone who "wants to me to move on, date other men." I called and left a message with him to see how the trip went..mainly to see how his grandma is doing. Per the usual, he has ignored my call completely. I still wonder if he'll have the courtesy of calling to wish me luck prior to my race on Saturday. I am not holding my breath despite our more favorable encounter on Friday. It will sad not having him there since we spent a week in Hawaii during the IM last year together. And I am staying in the condo complex next to the place I stayed with WH in last year. Ugh....sick of thinking about it. Nevertheless, it will be good to be in Hawaii and surrounded by friends, positivity, and lots of energy for 10 whole days. Plus, I'll really have a chance to fully unwind post race <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Fogless...thanks for the words of wisdom. How is your situation?

Have a great week...sure I'll say my last goodbyes before I leave on Tuesday.

-K

Thought I'd share more talk between WH and I (see below)...not too exciting but not negative either. WH's mom called me this morning and it doesn't sound like his grandma will make it...kidneys are failing so she probably won't be around for Thanksgiving and may pass when I am in Hawaii which is super sad.

Sounds like his weekend visit with family went well...WH mom said he lied about our circumstances everytime family (who don't know what he has done) would ask how I am doing....even said he is coming to Hawaii to cheer me on. Now, in my dream world, I would envision WH surprising me at the IM finishline and proposing to me again so we can renew our vows in Hawaii (our honeymoon local)....doubtful but this would be cool, wouldn't it?

Anyways, here were our last few e-mails to each other...what do you think?

ME:

"Hey S,
Hope you had a nice time in Phoenix....betcha your grandma was happy to see you. How is she doing? For being 99 years old and having conquered pretty much every single health detriment, it is pretty amazing how whole hearted and upbeat she still is...speaks wonders of her character. How was the walk this morning...did Suzie walk too? I know her surgery is Thurs so wasn't sure if she had planned on walking. You are probably back by now since the reality of work presents itself tomorrow...unless you get Columbus Day off??? Have fun watching the Yankees versus Boston....deja vu from last year. I remember how intense you were in Hawaii watching the Yankees play in the championship series. And I also remember the Cubbies playing although they ****ed up big time their last few games and therefore I won't be able to relive the Cubbie spirit in Kona again this year...oh well. Well, I am rambling....
Have a good week,

K

----- Original Message -----
From: BH
To: k

The trip was good. My grandma looks pretty frail, but seemed to be in good spirits. The walk was good too. Suz walked..it was only a mile. Had to sleep on the floor at my parents house because they haven't had all their furniture delivered yet.

I hope you have a blast in Kona. Be sure not to put any pressure on yourself on raceday, just qualifying is proof enough that you are a great triathlete. Just enjoy being around all the other athletes.

-S

ME:
Hey S,
Glad to hear you had a good time despite having to sleeping on the floor. How did you like their new home? Your mom called me this morning and apparently, Grandma didn't have a very good night...urine output is very low, which I know relates to kidney failure. I am sorry I wasn't able to visit because it doesn't sound like she'll make it to Thanksgiving. She has had lived one heck of a life and she is a fighter so perhaps she'll fight through this too. It does sound like Suz is in good spirits which is good. My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple years back, lost her hair and everything, but has been cancer free ever since. Fortunately, from my training, I know that good spirits, proper nutrition, and early detection yields a pretty good survival rate so I know Suz will be just fine as long as she keeps her chin up. Your mom seems very stressed and overwhelmed right now...can only imagine with the move, work, Grandma B, and Suz how much her head is spinning. I know she was happy to see you this weekend.

Not much on my end besides my trip. My goals: 1) Have fun, 2) Finish, 3) Try to break 11 hours. I think it is impossible to not have fun in Hawaii; there will be hundreds that I'll know out there racing, volunteering, and/or spectating which will help my spirits on race day. And since I will be on the Ironman stage with the pros on Wednesday and know a lot of the coaches, I probably will get a ticket to the post race parties with them this year which will be cool ( : . I will miss having you out there with me this year though.

Have a good week....enjoy watching your beloved Yankees hopefully kick the living sh*t out of the Red Sox.

Love,

K

I am still hopeful that he will actually give me a call to say good luck before I leave tomorrow. We shall see.....K

K-

You're such a romantic at heart. I loved the vision of him at the finish line asking you to marry him... Augh.... Makes me smile.

I hope you do well. Just remember your first goal...Have fun! Everything else will fall into place. All your friends here at MB will be cheering you on. GO K! Wahooooo.

Be careful and enjoy every moment. In the midst of all this pain, fustration and stress...remember to enjoy the beauty of Gods creation. The small things... a flower, a smile, a sunset. Enjoy yourself! You already ARE a winner. Post to us when you can.

You in my prayers.

2scared

Thanks 2scared...I not only am dreaming of my WH surprising me (which would be truly awesome; I'd be on cloud nine) but also of me conquering the course, surprising even myself with my performance, and partying it up with the pro's post race <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . It is sure to be a blast. I have so many friend who will be out there cheering me on. I am truly excited for the whole experience...it has been a goal of mine to qualify for and race at the World Championships since I started triathlon in 2003 and now I will be fulfilling this goal in just a few days!!!

I continue to pray for your situation as well; hopefully, your wife will really evaluate the changes you made and remember the good times you have shared together so that you can rebuild your marriage.

-K

Bump

Where are you guys?

I'm out of town for my son's wedding. K is in Hawaii for the Ironman comp. and fogless is holding down the fort.

I'm checking in...

My FIL is burning holes through me...MIL seems to be walking in grace.

This is the first time I have seen my W's family since D-Day in June. Ouch... My heart is heavy. My W has declared a truce while here for the wedding. She is acting okay; not affectionate but friendly. It feels so good to me to be around her. I sure wish she wanted to work on rebuilding. I miss her so much.

2scared

2,

hey this may be just what the two of you need to get her thinking, etc.. go with it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
what better place to start her recovery than a wedding...

fogless

Thanks fogless.

Overall it went well. I mean the wedding was nice, and the time was nice between my W and me.

I even got a hug as we parted at the airport (she took me). That was the first hug since d-day in june. Perhaps... just perhaps it will be the beginning of a new start. One can only pray. We will see. If she gets with all her divorced friends and they push all the "divorce" buttons again we could be right back to square one. Time will tell.

K- I was watching the ironman on the internet. I couldn't tell exactly what happened but it looked like you almost finished the bike. What happened? I just want you to know that I admire anyone who even starts that race. Incredible! Don't get down on yourself. Your awesome!

2scared