(((((2scared))))))

Hang in there. I feel the same way. WH saw a family law specialist who is going to mediate the divorce proceedings last night. You can read the whole crazy, sad story in my thread "My fairytale marriage is ending...my WH just send me this e-mail". I am crushed and still don't understand why WH is doing this...he doesn't seem to be able to talk to me in person and really doesn't do well over the phone either. In fact he still doesn't really have an answer as to why he won't give us a shot, as to why he truly wants to leave this marriage.

Every hard word he has spoken has been via e-mail...I think he is runnin, coppin out of what could be an amazing life together cuz he is unhappy with himself and is scared that his true feelings for me may come about if he would take the chance and spend time with me like we once had prior to his affair. It just sucks I am receiving the short end of the stick.

Here in Cali, it takes 6 months for a divorce to be finalized. I am headed into Plan B for the time being and I will see how WH reacts. We both agree that it would be nice to at least be friends when all is said and done. I have told him that I want to save the marriage and I do not believe in this divorce yet if he believes this is what will make him happy that I will grant him this wish. I also told him that I will always love him and that I have no regrets for the 5 amazing years we have spent together. I suppose if after 6 months, his little affair has grown into something more meaningful and he still holds no regrets for leaving me then Plan C, the divorce is what is meant to be.

Things do happen for a reason. If we are not meant to be with the spouses we love, then I suppose there are bigger and better things out there for us.

Sorry to hear that you are going through the same pain I am right now. I hate to even think of that word divorced...I think I will just go back to my once independent mentality of being single again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am thinking of ya 2scared...get out and about this weekend. I am running a XC race in the morning, seeing clients all day, and then prancing around in my sexy firefighter costume at a party tomorrow night. Seriously get out of the house and do something positive for you this weekend.

-K

Mimi-

I think that's a valid question to ask... I know that talking about the A is painful for both parties but it is necessary. Time will make it much more easy to talk about it without the raw emotions involved.

My suggestion to you is to always create a safe environment to share. Keep it light and not too heavy. Ask a question and then back off for a while. If you talk for two hours every day about the A it won't take long to fustrate and wear him out. So, take a shot, listen without negative emotions, and move on to something light. You might even follow the discussion with a fun activity so it is not perceived that he is punished after each "sharing" session. That encourages heart-felt sharing. After all, that's what you are really after. You want his heart...not just his physical presence in the house.

Good luck,

2scared

2 Scared:

Thanks for sharing with me.

Sometimes I think my FWH is farther along than me. He evidently shows his love for me and his repentance about the A. He seems to be doing all that he cando, right by the book. I can't think of anything he can do differently. My expectations are unrealistic and not rational. I wish he could tell me everyday that he hates her and that's why he came back home or he could make it all go away . However, it is what is. I have to accept that this happened and that she continues to exist somewhere out there in the world.

The fact that my FWH is so wonderful makes me feel guilty (not the right word) about my continued obsession with the OW and inability to let go of my bad memories. That's why it's difficult to talk about my continued negative feelings with him. He certainly knows the feelings are there. I cry sometimes. I talk angrily about people involved in As. So does he! I've found it helpful to talk about things in the third person like "When SOMEONE is having an A, such and such question?" He finds it easier to respond to such questions. I'm also afraid that if I bring it up it will make him start thinking about her. However, it seems clear to me in his discussions that his thoughts about her are not at all positive at this point. He is clearly sad and guilty about the whole thing.

I guess one thing that bothers me is that my FWH wants to take a lot of responsibility for the A and I am wanting him to give some of the blame to her. It seems that he feels guilty for using her which it is true he did. However, I have this fantasy that she is continuing her life and feeling wronged by him but isn't hurting. I want her to be hurting like I did.

Maybe this is just a phase that it is normal for me to be going through.

Thanks for listening.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by mimi1254:
[QB] I have been in successful recovery for a year.

It's going great! My FWH and I are happier than ever.

However, I have this lingering question that I've not asked him about. Any talk or mention of the OW or the A right now causes him to become very sad and tearful.

I for some reason want to know about the bad times between him and her. What may have made it so bad during the 3 months of MY PLAN B that he chose to end it after 2 years. He thought that he was in love with her and she was the love of his life. Was it the constant contact with her? Did he miss me that much? I guess I'm wondering if the OPs start to show their true selves and stop putting on the show. I saw her recently and she didn't seem to be "all that". I used to think that she had to have been an awesome beauty to have contributed to such major trauma in our lives.

Okay, mimi...you've done such a great job coaching me on my thread, allow me a quick turn on this one (not to threadjack).

Seems to me that all the things you are addressing are in HNHN. Have you talked to SH about the thoughts you're relating here about H + OW? I think this is something that can be anticipated and dealt with appropriately. After all, if I'm going to follow in your tracks, I don't want you to derail as you've made such great success !!

Georgia:

I've found that helping you out is helping me. I've answered some of these questions in my replies to you. Plus, over the weekend, I had further HONEST discussions with my FWH. I talked in the third person though and he readily answered about the FOW. I knew he was talking about his relationship with her although he did not state her name.

He continues to deal with depressive feelings as we have been discussing. I guess I'm trying to be more sensitive to that than I was in the past. The difference now is that he is more willing to talk about his sadness rather than act it out in a self-destructive relationship. I wanted to see my FWH as SUPERMAN. Now I'm learning that it's OK for him to be vulnerable and sensitive. That's a good thing that came from the A.

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

mimi -

So as to not be guilty of threadjacking, I'm copying your reply over to my thread.

Please go there and read it.

K-

How are you holding up?

2scared

Hey 2scared...

It has been hard but I am trying to focus on what is happy in my life right now. I have had emotional breakdowns daily and it was especially bad yesterday when I packed all my wedding stuff into a box. I am still just am in shock over how lightly WH is treating this whole situation. He just packs his bags up and leaves with seemingly no pain over this matter. If were weren't married, that would be one thing but we are and he just has completely given up on marriage after he engaged in the affair and continues to enjoy the company of this low life who supposively knows WH is married to me.

There is part of me who would still do anything to return to the life I once had with WH; it was pretty amazing...felt like I was the luckiest woman alive. My WH is handsome, athletic, funny, charasmatic, caring, and honestly the best thing that ever happened to me thus far in my 28 years of living.

This man has left and I am grieving his death and the rebirth of a monster. WH is now an immature, lying, cheating boy who is running from personal conflict, stress in life. How could he rightfully just decide one day he was going to betray me, our marriage, keep silent about the matter until boling point, blatantly lie, and continue to ignore or stay closed minded towards things his friends, family, and I have been saying for 6 months? One would assume that the man I fell in love with had some kind of moral values but I am doubting that right now. This soon-to-be 31 yo is not even an ounce of the 27 yo man I fell in love with and married 3.5 years ago.

As for things I am doing that are positive
-Purchased plane tix home to see family in Chicago over Thanksgiving and Christmas (1st time home for Thanksgiving in 6 years!)
-Will visit WH's parents a week prior to Christmas (without WH of course)
-Participated in charity event for Challenged Athletes Foundation
-Dejunked my condo...had garage sale yesterday.
-Am currently looking to invest in a new home with a close friend of mine...something that I've been wanting to do since I moved here (sucks wasting $ on rent). I had hoped to purchse it with my WH (we actually looked together in the spring) but he is obviously not interested in a life with me anymore as he screws around with someone at his immature level and moves on with his sad life.

OK...I am only human...get angry and sad together many times throughout the day. I know there are great men out there in this world. My WH used to be one of them and perhaps he'll wake up over the next few months and become that man again so we can at least talk about our marriage and the divorce he seemingly desires. FYI, here in Cali, it takes 6 months for anything to be finalized.

How are you doing? Hope you have been doing lots of positive things!

-K

K-

I had a great day yesterday. I stayed busy and went looking at bigger apartments. Today however, the walls are closing in on me and I am lonely beyond words. I would LOVE to curl up on the couch with someone who would wrap their arms around me and enjoy the football game feeling loved and cared for. I need to be held right now. Sooo lonely.

I'm mentally getting ready to move on. There are so good women out there...arn't there? I sure hope so.

2scared

(((((((2 scared)))))))))))))))

I can feel your loneliness...tears have been in and out of my eyes for 6 months now cuz of emotional pain and feeling abandoned by love. In fact, there hasn't been one damn day that I haven't just broken down.

The good news is that there are definitely good people in this world....god, just watching all the challenged athletes and people supporting them gave me chills last weekend. Hopefully sooner than later, one of these good people will come knocking at our doorstep (or in my case, come swimming/biking/running by myside). It is just hard to fathom right now cuz our hearts are torn into a million pieces. And I really don't think it is morally right to date until the divorce is finalized. Afterall, anything can happen. I am not opposed to moving on with my life in all other aspects, which includes work, friends, socializing, training, and investing in a new home ( : I am glad you found a larger apartment where you will be able to rebuild!

Hang in there...I have confided to huggin my pillows for the last 6 months to keep me company. And my phone bills continue to be outrageous...oh well.

Have a great night,

-K

K-

How are you doing?

2Scared

Hey 2scared...

Things are up and down but I am feeling good right now. My friend is in town visiting which has helped tremendously and I also went home to visit family over the holiday. It was great to see my little nephew who just turned one on November 1st...I can't wait to bring new life into this world someday. As for WH, I really don't hear from him at all nor have I seen him for god I don't even know how long...maybe 3 months now??? I do miss him and pray for him every night but there is nothing I can do right now. I talk to WH's mom quite a bit...I feel really bad for his family right now. She said that the only bright part of Thanksgiving this year was the sun...WH's grandma is dying, his uncle fell and broke his wrist 5 minutes into the celebration, his stepsister has cancer with a poor prognosis, and there were absences like myself and his stepbrother whose wife left him for another woman...drama, drama, drama. I can just sense the pain in her voice when I talk to her sometimes. I know WH was really affected by seeing his grandma so ill so I did send him a condolence e-mail a few days ago. I find it hard to be 100% in plan B when something as serious as death is affecting WH. I am just not the type of person who ignores that...and I still feel better when I send kind gestures. I just don't contact him outside of what I think is appropriate or needed. I wish things could be different now but I am not sure he evens desires to be married, whether he loves me or not. But I do know that he probably won't ever realize his loss until his affair officially ends. Deep down inside, he knows that he never gave our marriage a chance and I want to believe that he will regret this in the future. I am the one who is most affected by this in the end because when I married him, I dreamed of a different life...not the one that I am living right now. Life will move on but I still struggle day to day. The positives are what keeps me going. Well, enough rambling. Hope you had an awesome holiday...how are you holding up?

-K

This may be a hard day...WH proposed to me 4 years ago on this date...boy did those emotions I felt after he got down on one knee at sunset in front of Pacific Ocean carry me to cloud nine. I can't believe how dramatically things have changed...I would have never married WH if I knew he was capable of hurting me like this.

{{{{{{{{{{K}}}}}}}}}}}}


I'm so sorry. Mine isn't much better. I havn't talked to W in months. A few emails trying to get some furniture before it's too late but she's resisting everything. She sent a rediculous settlement offer which I countered but my heart is still hurting. I just want it over now so I can stop the pain. I want to begin healing and as long as this wound is open it hurts. Every moment...every day. I know you understand.

Thanksgiving was okay. My youngest daughter came into town and stayed with me and then went to my sisters with me for diner. She has been much more supportitive. My middle daughter still won't speak to me. My W went down to stay with her on Thanksgiving so when I called to talk to my daughter she wouldn't even answer the phone (my daughter). She wouldn't even talk to me on Thanksgiving. Something about still working through the hurt (she said to youngest daughter). Please. I was a great Father. I just have to stay in there trying to restore the relationship. I just think my W is fueling this. Yuck.

I'm doing okay just lonely. I am ready to crawl up on a couch and be held for hours. I miss human company. Companionship. Human touch.

Anyway, I was thinking about you. Hang in there.

2scared

(((((((2 scared))))))))

I can totally relate to feeling lonely and the desire to have human companionship...I think that is why I have been doing ok these past few days being the company of friends and family. I was a complete wreck the week prior...broke down crying at a party when a friend asked how I was doing; I actually had to leave the party momentarily to gain my composure. This lasted a week...would cry uncontrollably going to bed, songs would trigger crying sessions, driving by memorie laden spots would trigger crying sessions...seemed to never end. Waves of emotions will come and go...it is just best to let these emotions out and wait for calm again. Now I am dealing with the similar intense desire to be intimate with someone...if WH was here again, there would be a pretty intense shower of love taking place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Unfortunately, it looks as though WH will miss out on this amazing feeling with me.

I am not sure what will happen these next few months...I haven't signed yet but am assuming I'll hear from the mediator soon??? I'd almost prefer that I didn't with the holidays looming...it is too painful to sign for something that I don't believe in. Who knows though...perhaps I'll meet someone who will treat me a heck of a lot better than WH has this past year. I have been reflecting back on a lot of that has happened this past year and realize that he threw a lot of his anger and personal unhappiness on me...would lash out and literally bite my head off when something was wrong. Now I know that he was just ashamed of the double life he was living and couldn't handle the stress that it brought upon him. It just sucks. As I vowed 3.5 years ago, I will forever love the man I married; I am afraid that this man is transformed into someone I am not sure fits into my life anymore. I just pray that there would be a retransformation so that the man I married returns home and makes an effort with me to strengthen our bond, our marriage.

Keep your head up...things can only get better.

Have a nice evening,

-K