My WH is totally impotent and has been for the past 15 years. His A was with a girl young enough to be his daughter and she had no idea that he took viagra in order to have sex with her. In my opinion this was the reason for the A. . . we have always had a very good marriage with very little LBing. Whenever I wanted sex I would ask him to take a viagra and he hated the idea of having to take a pill in order to have sex. . .it seemed to make him feel "less of a man". Then suddenly he met this young woman who was willing and eager (according to him) to have an A with him. . .he could conduct the A without her knowing that he first had to take viagra. . this is what made him feel good. She thought he was a wonderful lover who was making love to her spontaneously . . .whereas with me. . .I know his impotency problem and will never be able to make him feel like that "wonderful, spontaneous lover. How do I deal with this problem because it is not going to go away. I still need to ask him to take a tablet when we make love and with me he will never have that wonderful sensation of being with someone who doesn't know he has a problem and consequently thinks he is the best lover in the world.

I have never referred to his impotence or ever even considered it a problem. . .I loved him through the years before viagra when we had no sex at all and I have loved him through the A and I still love him even when he has to take a tablet to make love with me. The sex is wonderful but I can never give him that feeling, like she did that he was this wonderful stud that could make love at the drop of a hat.

Hope the above made some kind of sense and how do I deal with this?

bump

enid

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She thought he was a wonderful lover who was making love to her spontaneously . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might want to see it this way. She was thinking what he wanted her to think. He was not showing who he really is! She "thought" but she definately didn't "know".

He was lying to her "full-blast". So do you think this is something special???? It's "fantasy" and it has nothing to do with "reality".

Imagine if they would of stayed together........do you think, he wouldn't
of ended up having the same "problem". This has nothing to do with OW and how she made your husband feel because it was based on lies!!!!

In our situation, OW made my husband feel like a real "maker & businessman". She "believed" that he organized everything financial and she "believed" that he had eaten "intelligence" with a "golden spoon".
Well, in our situation, I did all the finances
and organizing and everything concerning business.

My husband would "always" come to me when he needed to know something. I would always "dig out" the info.

So what is this about. It's about our "husbands" lack of seeing reality and learning to cope with it. Instead they just try to "hide it" and think the world is "lovy-dovy" when others don't "know about" the true problems. This is the "fantasy" of an affair. Not really "knowing the person" and only showing what you want to show.

So don't think you are the problem. If your husband wants to feel special and if he wants to feel like a "great lover" he has to cope with the "truth". This lies deep within himself.
He must learn to realize that "you" love him and "you" accept him even if he does have his "problems" because you are willing to "cope & accept" him for who he is.
He has to realize that he is "loved" for who he truely is and he doesn't even have to hide it from you.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The sex is wonderful but I can never give him that feeling, like she did that he was this wonderful stud that could make love at the drop of a hat.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is simply a "fantasy". Your husband still can be a "wonderful stud" and he still can make love to you and satify you as a woman but he must come to realization that his "problem" is that he cannot "make love at the drop of a hat".

BTW: Do you always have to ask him to take viagra?
I mean, he did get this "organized" when he was meeting OW didn't he?????
Would you "turn him down" if he "took one" without you knowing????? Just a thought......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

I know you are going through a hard time with the A, but...
38 Years! That's fantastic! You guys must be doing a lot of things right. Have faith in the strength of your love and your marriage to overcome this, just as you have overcome everything else life has thrown at your M so far.

Not very helpful, I know but I felt the need to celebrate your achievements!

With lots of love

enid,

one more thought, I wanted to add. I hope this makes sence.

OW thought that we were "rich". She made my husband feel very "powerfull and mighty" because of this and she would always tell him that she admired him that he achieved so much in his life. (on his own because I was just a lazy wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

This made my husband feel so good and so special. He absolutely loved this feeling and at that time, I'd even say that he was "floating" because he was so prowd of himself.
I will never be able to give him this feeling either because it's simply "NOT TRUE!" We are not rich and I am not lazy. We worked together throughtout our marriage to have what we have.

I can give my husband the feeling & admiration that he is a "hard working " man, yes and I can tell him that I am "prowd" of him and that he always has taken the "best care" of his family (financially) but I can never give him the feelings she did. I cannot admire him because he wants to feel "rich" because that is simply a "lie" and he knows that.

This might be abit off topic but I thought I'd like to add it. If my husband wants to feel good about something, then only when it is based on the truth.

So, you can indeed show "admiration & satifaction" for his "great love-making techniques" but not for something that is not true. I am more than sure that your husband has many other great qualities that you can "show admiration" for.

hugs
bb

Just had a thought...
How about finding a way to have sexual spontanaity that does not require a viagra? Maybe penetrative sex should not be the main focus here. This will take the pressure off H.

Get some books and find a way to truly enjoy your H (and vice versa) that is free from these issues. Let him know he can please you (and be pleased) without the viagra.

What does everyone think?

I think ks2001 really has a good point.

There are many others ways to get "sexual satifaction". Is your husband aware of this that a woman doesn't require "penetrative sex" everytime???

This could indeed reduce the pressure, he might be experiencing.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
bb

Thank you for your answers.

bb - your insights were spot on. . .he was lying to her to make himself feel good and he can't lie to me because I know that he has problems. I always have to ask him to take a viagra. . . I think that was one of the things that hurt the most. . .he took one (many) for her willingly. . .I have always got to ask. Though prior to the A he often refused to take one. . .since the A he never turns me down. I have always enjoyed sex with my H and have never refused sex not even in the earlier years of our marriage when impotence wasn't a problem.

KS2001 - I think the longer you have had what you thought was a happy marriage the harder it hits you when you realise that even after 38 years you are still able to be the victim of an A. I was interested in your remark about spontaneous sex. . how does one achieve that when my H just does not get an erection at all. . .I have tried various ways but nothing helps except the viagra.

I am now at 8 months past D day and still haven't come to terms with the A. . .I know that I haven't forgiven my H yet and I just pray that I will eventually learn how to.