So I have been reading "Surviving An Affair", learning about fulfillment of various needs. My approach to my unfaithful H and my separation is to live my life while treating him with respect as a friend, letting him know what is going on in my life and asking about his daily triumphs. My biggest emotional need is communication, honesty and openness, and affection. I am afraid my H is not fulfilling any of these right now which doesn't help my love bank. I feel like I am making all the deposits, which I enjoy doing but I long for the man who used to make deposits into my love bank too. For intance, I went to a concert with friends this weekend but couldn't help but to remember the time when H would shelter me from all the crazy drunk people, embracing me with his strong arms. I won a triathlon yesterday and while I was happy, I couldn't help but to remember the time when H would embrace me at the finishline and take me out for a congratulatory date. Now I fear that he is sharing all his love deposits on another account with another woman...which hurts since I am making all this effort to rekindle the amazing connection, love we have for each other.

I suppose if he is still considering our separation a permanent one, a decision of divorce, he feels content with ignoring me right now. I just am struggling with how to best deal with this. I want to continue being his friend because I don't see how complete isolation from each other will help progress as a couple. I don't mention anything about our marriage or relationship...merely talk about day to day happenings within our life.

Any ideas/thoughts that may help me out? Thanks!

Me: 28 yo faithful wife of 3 years, been best friends and lovers for 5 years. No kids
Him: 30 yo unfaithful H; had affair with another woman fall '03-Jan '04, he said he ended it but admits to dating a new woman now. He dropped the bomb on me in May 04 and immediately left me; now has a 1 year lease in new apartment.

Also, if his biggest needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and affection, how am I to meet these needs when we don't even see each other? Obviously, there is someone else in the picture who is fulfilling this or he would be more willing to talk about our marriage...help!!!

I also struggle with thinking about leaving plan A because I don't think I could completely dissociate myself from him...while I am trying to focus on myself, there are too many reminders each day of the wonderful life we once had which makes me want to contact him. There is no way I can erase that from my memory. I can't see how plan B will make our marriage better...especially since I think his new flame is fulfilling at least his sexual needs while I am left at home all lonely and longing for his touch...ugh.

KJB - My WH also left me in May after confessing to an A. I have been doing plan A and in my case it has helped. When I say that I mean, I feel I am doing all that I can and no matter what happens I will have no regrets. Plus in this time I have really looked at myself and I am taking steps towards positive changes. And these changes are to help me be a better person, not just to save my Marriage. I believe that is a key distinction, when we make changes only to save the M the WS sees that. But when the changes are for ourselves that is much more powerful.

How do you think your Plan A is going? What have you been doing? What have you been doing for yourself? Do you think WH has noticed any of the changes? Is he hurtful and resentful towards you?

Oh, and they all consider the seperation permanent, at the time. It is through Plan A & B that everything changes.

One more question, what have you done to expose the affair?

The night my H dropped the bomb and left, I smelled alcohol on his breath and flipped out because he has spent a night in jail cuz of driving under the influence (before I met him and during his college days). I didn't know where he was going and was scared for his safety so I contacted his entire wedding party, his parents, and some of our common friends...all people I thought he may have gone to spent the night. His friends were actually worried that he would go to a hotel and drink himself to death...again, I don't know this side of my husband; it was how he dealt with his anger/sadness in college. He did go to a hotel but I don't think my husband is an alcholic...just is not responsible when he does drink. So all of our close friends, Scott's parents, and my parents know of Scott's actions and our situation. We have not shared any info with extended family; it is my hope that we won't have to.

In the first couple weeks after the bomb, I tried to reach out to my H...kind of like a counselor, a friend would. I would try to get him to communicate about what he was discontent about, what I could do to help the situation. He said he loved me, that he'd always have feelings for me, but that he was not "in love" with me anymore and also that he did not deserve a good person like myself. He said that I had not changed since the day he fell in love and married me, that he had. He denied having any problems with depression (runs in his family) and refused to seek out counseling with me to try to help our marriage. He said, "I don't think it will help." He did lash out angrily initially and did say some very hurtful things to me that made me wonder who this person actually is...it was like I was dealing with a stranger.

After spending 10-lbs of emotional energy trying to help him, I started to refocus on myself. I have been confiding in my friends, training for triathlon (as I did when H and I were together), and continue to watch my business grow. He knows all this about me....not sure what I need to be doing to make him rediscover his love for me especially since he admits that I have not changed.

I do believe my H has insecurity issues that were heightened when he was rejected from the firefighting industry this past fall (when the affair began). We used to spend a lot of time running together and spending time with other active couples. With the firefighting coupled with his other job, the time we were able to spend together diminished. It didn't help that my business was booming and I continued my athletic success in running/triathlon; much of my time spent when he was gone was socializing with other people that are also involved in running/triathlon. I think my H was jealous because he used to be part of this and also had a lot success with running; perhaps he felt like he wasn't needed anymore because I was seeing so much success when he wasn't around (this is BS...I missed my H and I told him daily).

He had cheered me on during my first Ironman last year and even signed up to train for one this summer with me. HIs work always got in the way of workouts/time we would normally spend together so he began to think he would fail at this adventure and therefore, stopped training. And when he would finally come home from (which often was 8-9pm at night...not sure if this was actual work he was doing or his affair), he'd be exhausted and would turn the tv on. I am not one to watch him flip through channels so I'd try to talk to him or be intimate with him but he was too tired and didn't feel like doing much of anything. This hurt me because I saw him socially isolating himself from everything that had been good in his life in the past...myself, his friends, his family, athletics. He had changed. He was spending more time drinking with other single guys who don't know us as a couple (who probably encourage sleeping with many woman) and disassociating himself from our life together.

I think he is starting to realize what he has done and now the guilt is showing...BUT he has put himself in my shoes and is doing what he would probably do if the roles were reversed. He doesn't believe he deserves me and because I have not gone away, he is trying to drive me away by lying, continuing to cheat, and displaying stupid behaviors. On a positive note, he did take my advice to quit his job (which made him very unhappy) and start a new one...he seems more happier with the new job. He has kept me under his health insurance plan since starting this new job. He has started to run with some common friends of ours; I feel bad for our friends because they are kind of caught in the middle. They like H but are angry at the decisions that he has made and how he has hurt me.

As this all goes on, I continue to be in plan A. I just qualified for the World Championships in triathlon (which my H knows about), which I am training hard for. I am socializing with other groups to get me out of the house. I am working on many business ventures. I am talking daily with friends/family. I share my daily activities with him and ask about what he is up to...sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't. None of this is new to him though...this is my life now and was when we fell in love and got married.

I am just trying to reach out as a friend now rather than talk about our marriage. I figure if he is ready, he'll confront me. I just don't want to be sitting in a standstill for 2 years....I desire to start a family (we were talking about trying to have a baby in 2005), I want to buy a house (we started looking in the spring), and certainly desire a man (hopefully him) to share these life experiences with. I love him, I love his family, I love the life we once lived together. I am a bit confused about where his head is but continue to try to hold hope and continue to try to meet whatever emotional needs of his I can while we are separated.

Hope this helps! Any more feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Would it be wise to ask H if he wants to join me for a run, food, or a movie or would this just place me vulnerable to disappointment (withdrawal of love units from my depleted bank) since I believe he is spending time with another woman? I just want to try to meet his need for recreational companionship and we actually first bonded on a run together. Our first very energetic date was after a grueling 11 mile hill run!

Would it be wise to ask H if he wants to join me for a run, food, or a movie or would this just place me vulnerable to disappointment (withdrawal of love units from my depleted bank) since I believe he is spending time with another woman? I just want to try to meet his need for recreational companionship and we actually first bonded on a run together. Our first very energetic date was after a grueling 11 mile hill run!

First off ... congratulations on your WIN!

Has your H asked you not to call him?

If the answer is "no" ... then ask him out... and reassure him "No relationship talk, just fun and friendship" .... then, keep your promise. Keep it light. Tell him you want to show him your medal.

Never hurts to ask.

If he says he can't ... then he's probably seeing another girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pep

KJB - It sounds like you are doing this great! We can't control the actions of our WH's only our own. So we need to do stuff to get us through the day and make sure we are happy with the person we are. The methods on this web-site are not guarantees but they do help us not have any regrets. I have been reaching out to my WH as a friend, no R talk, and it appears to be having an effect. I struggle with the fear of rejection also. I don't have the guts to come right out and ask him to do something for fear he will turn me down, but I test the waters and if they seem friendly then I move forward. We'll see what happens. Through this all I think have become a better stronger person by rising above the raw emotions and having a plan for my life.

You are doing great! Hang in there and it will get better.

Thanks guys...it always helps to get confirmation that I am doing the right things! Just out of curiosity, if my H does accept a laid back date (with no relationship talk), do you think I should wear my wedding ring? Last time I saw H a month ago, I had my ring on but he did not. I go on and off with regards to keeping mine on...I feel like when I wear the ring I am honoring the man that I still love and desire back in my life. Thoughts?

Thanks again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here goes nothing...I just sent this to my H!

Hope you had a great day...perhaps later this week, we could go for a run and catch a bite to eat if you're up for it...just some laid back fun.

Love ya,

Kim

My WH doesn't wear his wedding ring any more. I took off my engagement ring (which I love) but kept on my wedding band. Of course now since I am pregnant my hands have swelled and I can't get my wedding band off so I have no choice! I think you should do what you feel is right, so if wearing it feels good keep it on.

hi kjb....i still wear my wedding ring, i feel it may bring me good luck (FWH returning).

A/C0810

I haven't worn my wedding ring for a while now. This situation has caused me to lose so much weight, it falls off my fingers! I'll get it resized once we work things out and I'm not on the BS diet anymore.

Thanks for the input...Faithinme, can definitely relate to the BS diet! I lost 10 lbs from my very tiny frame during the first month (I am 5'4" and barely 100 lbs now). With my triathlon training and emotional stress, it has been hard to try to pack the pounds back on but I am trying! It is kind of ironic that I am a sports nutritionist...many of my weight loss clients would be jealous although I wouldn't wish the BS diet upon anyone!

Is reminiscing ok or is just going to trigger angry outbursts? I just send this to my H:

Hey-

I'm off to the track for 2nd week in a row after not going for over a year! I remember first seeing you on the track 5 years ago...you were training for Cal International. I didn't know you then but only knew your face and body ripping up the track workouts! It seems forever since we both have been back on the track together. I remember you taking me to Subway or that pizza place in Mission Valley when we first started dating. We froze our sweaty asses off...distinctly remember shivering as we kissed goodnight! Crazy!

Have you tried the North County track workouts yet? I know Carroll usually goes although he was at the Balboa Park workout last week because he had to go to the airport. I am kind of curious what you think of the north county group if you have gone.

Have a nice day,

K

Thoughts? Am I just coming off needy? I personally am a very sentimental person so it puts a smile on my face when I remember the happy times rather than dwelling on what he may be doing with someone else right now.

Thanks guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Surprise, surprise...H has not responded to anything I have sent. I guarantee he has read every e-mail because he sits in front of his computer all day long for work. I suppose he just can't bear the fact of confronting the woman his heart really belongs to and just wants to try to drive me further away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am sure this is a good indication that he feels fine with his new girl fulfilling his emotional needs...grrr. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I will keep depositing into his bank and perhaps one of these days after his latest flame has burned him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , he'll realize what a frickin dumba** he has been!