Here is what I'm thinking for all WSs:

1. It took them years to get to the point where an affair was what they needed. I can't expect her to turn around and come back over night. Not like a movie. SLow process that may takes months to overcome.

2. WS still is proud and has an ego. She will not wake up one day and say - Oh my gosh, you were right, how wrong can I be! If she is going to come back, she is going to have to do it on her terms and try to feel good about it.

3. If you follow Plan A, they are probably going to hate it since the BS is not making them feel bad. I can't imagine how she feels when she calls him. I know it must be hard when things are good at home and I am still loving her and making her feel loved.

4. My WS hates and avoids conflict. Right now she is still with me because I have not given up. She doesn't want to leave on her own. She wants to leave becasue we agree to split up. WS don't want to end a marriage until they have already found the person to replace you. If they really wanted to end it, they would have.

Learn from Yesterday
Live for Today
Plan for Tomorrow

Thoughts?

TDVA - It DOES take a long time. And they ARE human. Read my post called Kah-blouwie. It's an uphill road with many divots, but it's SO worthwhile!

Good luck!

- Kimmy

TDVA - great points. I need to read them each day to remember. If I had a dollar for everytime I've thought I was doing something that seemed like a good idea or something I thought I "needed" to do then thought afterwards, "man that was stupid and I wish I hadn't done that" during my ordeal I'd be in a different tax bracket by now!

The lack of 'progress' can be so discouraging in an age of so much instant gratification.

I agree with your thoughts and they will help me keep my perspective on things.

Thanks!

One other point.

If you are the BS, do yourself a favor and start a list of all the positives your WS does for you in a day. Little things, comments, body language, conversations, responses to your questions, etc. You'd be surprised at how quickly the list adds up. The subconscious things my WS does tell me she isn't ready to leave. She may verbally tell me it is over and she never really loved me, but her subtle actions tell me otherwise.

It is a lot easier to read the list of positives than to think about all the negatives that are so easy to see and hear.

I think I'll try that one, though in trying to remember them now I'm worried I'll end up with a blank piece of paper. We'll see! I sure wouldn't want to write down the negatives and compare the lists <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ok so you put yourself in WW's shoes hmmmmmmm.....

lets see. OK when I was 21 I cheated on my husband with a 15 yr old cousin of mine. I cant think of what eric did to contribute to that one.

5 yrs later I ask Eric if he minds me going to this littl hole in the wall with my older cousin just to hang out and talk as girls. Eric replies I fully trust you and I know you need a break every now and then. So I go telling Eric everyday how much I love him and how I am the envy of all of my friends that my husband is ok with my once a week girls nite out.
One night I am approached by this bald headed tattood thug who wants to get in my pants. I first tell him I am married. He backs off but a couple of weeks later he persues me again and after 4 hrs of talking to him I am out in the parking lot in his truck getting drilled like a jack hammer. I then come home kiss my faithful husband who is asleep on the couch with our 2 beautiful boys. He asks why I was out so late I tell him we went and ate. He trusts my response and gets in bed with me. For some reason I have him drill me like a jack hammer as well.
I find out I can do this and it somehow seems what I want to do so I continue it for 2 more months now going to OM's house screwing him in his house, then screwing him every chance I can while my hubbys at work.
One day my hubby finally finally finds out of my affair,,,, What a shock! Damn it now I have to break off my little fun and concentrate on my family.

OK I TRIED THAT!

List of what WW does for me,,,,


END OF LIST!

Never judge another until you have walked a mile in their shoes...

Then judge 'em all you want ... coz you're an entire mile in front of them ...

~and~
they ain't got no shoes on!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WHEW,,,,,


Ok that vent felt good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

eric n.

I understand your feelings completely and I think you conveyed them with great visual impact.

I disagree with what you have on your signature stating the OM is a nobody. Until I accepted my OM as a person and the REASON my WW was with him, reality was just another word. If you have seen my past posts I have a picture of my WW and the OM in an embrace hanging in my office. This is so that I never forget the reality of what my WW IS DOING. If I get those warm fuzzy feelings about WW's past and future, all I have to do is look up and my head and heart are on the same wavelength pronto

CYMANCa,,,


I understand what you are saying and yes it makes since how you deal with that.

You see for me I had some serious thoughts of revenge toward the OM. IT really helped me and still does to say he was a nobody. In other words he is not worth me throwing my life away for.
A little saying to prevent me from giving the OM to much credit. It also reminds me that my wife is not in love with this guy.

I mean seriously what is he to me? Hes just the OM nothing more. The affair was going to happen if it wasnt him it would have been some other dude. So who is he to me? Nobody!
Now if my wife leaves me for him then he will become somebody,, like my kids step dad, but right now hes a nobody.
You see?