My WW is going with our daughter to visit her parents, which are half the country away. We haven't been there since our DD was born, so it's time she visited anyway and they haven't seen DD since November. I don't feel this trip is out of the ordinary. When she was planning it she said I could come if I wanted to, but we both decided it would be best if I didn't.

They know that we have been having problems and that WW has considered getting a divorce. In fact, according to WW they have both told her that she should. They got divorced last year after being married for 30 years. They've both said stuff like, "we stayed in a bad marriage far too long for you kids," etc. Frankly I think that they are looking for validation of their own decision to split up in a "misery loves company" sort of way, but maybe that's just a cheap shot.

They do not know about the A. I'm sure that W will discuss our marriage with them at least a bit. W will not tell them about the A. It is a little concerning that obviously W loves her parents and while she doesn't listen to everything they say, she certainly takes it into consideration.

The problem is how can any conversation that they have be anything other than total bull since they don't have all the facts! Who knows what will be said from either side. Any advice she gets won't be based on anything close to the whole story. I don't care what they say, as long as W realizes that they don't know that she had an affair for 1 1/2 years. Her father would NOT approve.

Maybe when she gets back it can come up in a conversation if they talked about our relationship, maybe it won't. Anyway it will be on my mind.

While they are gone I will be painting the master bathroom and the guest room (where W sleeps). I thought about doing it as a suprize while they were gone, but knew that there was no way I would pick the right colors!

Hi Nemo --

I'm a long-time lurker, but wanted to de-lurk to give you a bit of encouragement and ask a queston. I assume you've read the articles on this site by Dr. Harley.

What is your reason for not telling this vital piece of information with your in-laws? This could be done a kind, calm way, letting them know that you love your wife and children and that you are trying very hard to save your marriage?

I'm glad you're keeping yourself busy! I'm impressed with your instincts to keep yourself going on your home projects. Making your home a nice, inviting place can only be good.

Take care,
Shellybird

Shelley asks the right question.

What is your relationship with your in-laws?

I believe you're right about both their "validation" logic and about your wife's non-disclosure.

Do you sense that their divorce was consensual? Or did one resist and the other have an affair?

Exposure to them could result in polar outcomes. Blood is thicker than mud. Only you can decide if now is the right timing. But you ought to do it.

WAT

I'm not very close with my in-laws. I only talk to them if I see them and that isn't very often since they are so far away. My wife has a rather strange relationship with them also. She and her father basicly didn't speak when she was in high school (long story), but now she is much closer to her dad than her mom. She talks to her dad once every week or two, but will go a long stretch without talking to her mom.

Their divorce was one sided. Her mom filed and wanted the divorce, her dad wanted to stay married basicly because he didn't believe in divorce. However, now he thinks it was the best thing. There was a time that we thought that her mom was having an A, but since what we've seen of her from the divorce we don't think she was. The interesting thing about it all was how mad W was at her mom when she divorced her dad. Very ironic given our current situation.

The reason why I haven't told them is that my wife has ended her A. With the A over I see no reason to expose her further at this time. We are in a weird kind of limbo place where she is still living in the house, but not really working on the marriage while she "figures out what she wants". I think it would drive her further away from recovery. If we were to separate or I was to find out that the A has started again I will be going full exposure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>The reason why I haven't told them is that my wife has ended her A. With the A over I see no reason to expose her further at this time.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I had forgotten about that Nemo, and I agree with no further exposure. Still confident this is the case? You still got OM by the 'nads?

WAT

WAT,

Still confident about the ending of the A, and I do still have the OM by the 'nads, prepared to squash 'em if I have to. He did get a little too comfortable around me last week, so I sent a subtle one across his bow just to let him know that I'm in his head.

The weird thing that I can't tell is if W is using this trip as a time to figure out what she wants and when she comes back she'll either satert working on the marriage or push for a separation. At this point I may welcome either, this minimal contact stuff other than playing together with our daughter and dealing with our schedules is brutal. The no progress part of this is really difficult, but I'm getting used to it.

I think W feels a little stuck right now because she knows I won't leave if she asked me to. She knows that if she wants to separate, it will have to be her leaving the house and that I will resist her trying to take our daughter with her. I haven't made a threat in that regard, but when she casually asked what I thought about me living with my parents for a while, I said I wouldn't do that. Then she said if she left she'd want to take our daughter with her. I simply replied, "well, I don't think that's fair." It was a very vague response, and she may have taken it as a bit of a threat, but not really. I think she got advice from her lawyer back when she met with her that her leaving would not be a good look.

Very sound logic. You're in the driver's seat. Keep doing what you're doing and have a good Plan A welcome for them when they return.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Keep doing what you're doing and have a good Plan A welcome for them when they return.

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll need to work on that. The idea of painting the rooms was a Plan A move, but since she knows about it (because I wanted her to help pick the colors) it's not as big a play as I'd like to make. Actually I have mixed emotions about making the room that she's been sleeping in nicer! Part of me wishes the cat would pee on the carpet so she can't stand being in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'd like to come up with something else as well. My "Plan A welcomes" like buying her flowers and a card when she got back from being out of town didn't go well. So I need something more subtle than that. The garage needs cleaning too, but I don't think she cares about that. Racking my brain . . .