H and I are moving forward to plan our separation/divorce within the next 8 weeks. My main concerns are protecting our kids as much as possible, and I understand from my C and books that staying as amicable as possible and minimizing conflict is the most important variable in minimizing the negative impact this will have on them. The other factor is keeping as much continuity and un-interuption in their lives.

So H and I are still "business as usual" which includes sincere affection between us as well as treating each other nicely. My first counselor (who basically wrote off our marriage) says that acting nice is BS, just "acting" in front of the children. But we act the same way in private too!
We discussed and both agree that the affection we feel and demonstrate is real, dispite the upcoming upheaval in our lives. First C wanted me to get angry, get mad, tell my H off, but whats the point? Its not going to get him to change his mind, he already knows how I feel about it, and staying "nice" is part of our plan to do this with as little conflict as possible.
So I continue to treat him as I have always treated him, making things nice for him - Plan A until the day he moves out.

I did get a new counselor whose style is much more non-confrontational. H and I will see him together next session, to discuss how to tell the kids and handling their reaction. I guess I am still hoping that some miracle will change my H's mind. But its like winning the lottery, you can hope, but you know your chances are slim to none.

Coming to grips with his reasons for ending the marriage - take your pick from:

Wants to be non-monagamous
Wants to date
Wants to find a new girlfriend
Wants to be free to see OW (who is married)
Wants to wait and see if OW will leave her H
Wants a younger partner
Is having a classic midlife crisis - the grass is greener etc.

Not interested in trying to work things out although we still love each other and get along great, except when his desires for the above interfere. I was hoping that reading some of the realities of how divorce hurts kids would shake him up a bit, but it only made him more determinded to handle this breakup as best possible to help them, by minimizing conflict etc. And that is my priorty too, since this seems inevitable.

Guess I should be posting on the "Divorce" section, but its too depressing.

No good news to report, except that I am crying less and accepting the reality of what is going to happen.

Thanks for listening, MB'ers.

Everhopeful-I don't have any outstanding advice to give you but I want you to know that my WW and I are in the same boat as you and your husband. My WW is determined to move on to be with OM. We have become best friends since DDay. I ahve shown her how I have changed but to no avail. So I will be in the boat with you in just a matter of days. I know your hurt and pain because I feel it every time I look at my WW. The affection she has shown me is real. She says she has to go and try this, So like you I will say goodbye and hand her a plan b. I am told that better days lie ahead-I sure hope cause right now the my world is dark.

It's an affair and all these reasons are influenced by the affair.

I would say that this one;
Wants to be free to see OW (who is married)
is the only one which really matters. The rest are tied to the this one.
If he were not in an affair, the others might only be a simple thought (everyone has at least a passing thought of them), not something he really "wants".

Ever,
Reading your post reminded me of something I was told a long time ago about people:

Whenever people are unhappy they instinctively think the best way to become happy is to change people and things around them. We seldom realize until we've spent valuable energy, time and caused severe pain that our happiness and the changing of that state must began within. Your H will discover this, the question is will you put up with loving him anyway while he finds out.

I see no reason why you should expose your children to anything negative if you can help it. In my situation, they are already exposed so it's how I try to minimize that exposure and show them as much love as possible to deaden their loss while their mom wigs out. The only problem I see is the sudden thump they will receive when all of a sudden dad no longer lives at home. You will face the same issues as anyone family that is divided/separated the only difference will be the children were not prepared for the separation sort of blindsided. There is no nice way to handle this situation, but I do commend you both on trying to maintain a happy home during your transition. I'm sorry their father is making such a selfish decision and rationalizing it by trying to exit with compassion. He might revisit his definition of compassion and redefine it to include reconciling with his wife and quitting his adulterous A, but of course he is fogged and truly believes another person holds his key to happiness and not himself. I believe any 2 people with a spark, a true feeling of love and being dedicated to the principles of M taught in Dr. Harleys work can be happy eternally, but that's just me. I do not believe there is one magic person where love will be so deep that it will not require work and if not constant at least very often upkeep.

Just my thoughts and my wishes.

Take care,

FM

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Thanks for these thoughtful replies. H maintains that although he still has emotional ties to OW and talks to her regularly, has lunch etc, the relationship is not physical this time. The other odd thing is that the fog lifts and rolls back in, he can often see OW and all of her faults and reitterate how she would be difficult to live with. But she is the only one out there for him, even if part time, due to her marriage. H has said he will date for 6 months, hopefully meet someone new, and if not, will reassess the situation with OW. Whatever that means.

Anyway you look at it, he has definitely decided to move on and not be married to me.

So my focus, and hopefully my H's, is on doing this divorce the right way for our kids best interest. Nevermind the fact that their REAL best entrance would be to stay in an intact family. I hope we can get through this process and keep things as steady as possible for our kids.