I will try to make this short. I need some help, some advice, support...anything!

After my husband and I were married for nine months I had an affair that lasted for about 18 months. I became pregnant with our first child (which my husband is the father) and the further along in my pregnancy I got the less I seen the OM and the affair continued on an emotional level I guess through emails. After my son was born, I saw the OM twice, the first time for a few minutes the second time I was absolutely miserable and didn't want to be there. I told the OM the next day I no longer wanted to continue this relationship that I just couldn't do it anymore. The emails continued but we no longer saw each other. My husband found out about the A in Aug. 2003 when he found past cell phone bills revealing how often I was talking to the OM. I lied about the affair, stupidly trying to convince him that we were just friends. But in Feb. 2004 I told him the truth in counseling. We attended counseling for about 2 months. My husband decided he no longer wanted to go, for different reasons. But our fighting continued. Awful fights. I was defiant, didn't want to listen to anything he had to say. Instead of listening to him, I just shut him out because I didn't want to listen to his hurtful words, especially if it was in front of our child. I am now 5 months pregnant with our second child. My Husband filed for divorce. This is my problem...I don't want a divorce, he says he doesn't want a divorce. That he loves me and needs me, I love this man more than anything. But I'm very confused. If he loves me like he says and wants things to work then why did he file? Is there hope for us? I want to believe that there is. He comes home everyday, we talk on the phone several times a day, he tells me he loves me and holds me tight everyday, we make love almost every night but he has only stayed in the house on two occasions. He says he doesn't know if he's doing the right thing or not, he just doesn't know where to turn he says. I want him to put his complete faith in God but he says the anger and hurt is so bad that he just can't control it now and he doesn't know where to turn.
Can someone please help me? I know I screwed up, majorly. The worst thing I've ever done in my entire life. But I want to make things better for us, to live a happy, loving and nurturing life together to were old. Any advice anyone?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm another FWW- and I just wanted to let you know that your situation tugs at my heart.

I wish I had some advice, but I will leave that to the other more experienced builders on this site.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

Thank you oh so much! I would sure appreciate the prayers, please. Pray and pray hard for us. If I really thought it was God's will for us to divorce then maybe it would be easier to accept it. But I just don't (or won't) believe it. I pray every day, over and over, that my husband will change his mind and come back home. God's just not working on my time!

I was going to abbreviate, but it's easier just calling you "dont"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I, too, will leave the nuts and bolts of the advice to the more experienced MB'ers. But, regardless, welcome. By you being here (and your words) you obviously want to save your M.

Which I do have two bits of advice. "And your words." You need actions behind those words. And how your H responds...be prepared. It may be hurtful. He is hurting.

And you both need MC. Another action. It doesn't really seem like an option, rather, a must. You need--all of us WS's--need to understand how much pain we have inflicted. And understand the reactions that come from healing. Be prepared.

OK. And a third. I lied. (I *am* a FWH, you know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Keep posting here. Suggest your husband come here too. You will both find great, invaluable support here--for the two of you.

Best wishes and God bless.

Welcome! You will find that most people here appreciate the wayward spouses that post here, especially when they have the attitude that you've expressed. Most of us are the betrayed spouses, wishing our wayward spouses were more like you, wanting us back. Personally, I love reading the posts of the waywards, as they help me understand what is going on in my wife's head a little bit, so please keep posting!

I am too new at this for great insights, but can help with what your H may be feeling. Hopefully some of the veterans here will jump in and help you out.

He needs to feel like he can trust you and most likely has some anger about your affair. It is difficult for us. Finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful is one of the most crushing things that can happen to a person emotionally. I think there are a lot of positives in your story that you can hang your hat on that the MOST DEFINATELY IS HOPE! I'll admit that him filing for divorce even though he says he doesn't want one is a bit odd (for lack of a better word). It could be simply that he wants to have some feeling of control over the situation. One of the hardest things that I have felt as a betrayed spouse is that I have no "juice" in our relationship, it could just be that he wants to gain a little "hand" (Seinfeld watchers will know what that means) or in other words, some power.

My recommendation would be to read up on this site about Plan A. It is meant to be for the betrayed spouse, but in your case a "reverse" Plan A can be effective from some things I've read. Listen to your spouse and understand his feelings. Avoid the fights as much as possible and work to create an environment that he'll want to be in. It may take a lot of time to get over his pain and mistrust so it will require patience, which is the hardest part.

Good luck and thank you for choosing your family. It is encouraging for those of us fighting for ours.

Don't,

First I would like to recommend that you read the articles here, especially the ones about love busters, and the concept of "giver" and "taker". Then I would encourage you to get two books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

You had an affair for most of your marriage right? You then deny it and lie, and then you </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband decided he no longer wanted to go, for different reasons. But our fighting continued. Awful fights. I was defiant, didn't want to listen to anything he had to say. Instead of listening to him, I just shut him out because I didn't want to listen to his hurtful words, especially if it was in front of our child. I am now 5 months pregnant with our second child. My Husband filed for divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Note the part I put in bold. You betray him and then you shut him out. Got any idea why he might be leaving this marriage although he says he loves you and doesn't "want" to get divorced?

I think the answer is he feels he "needs" to get this divorce. Your Home is not a safe place for him. He cannot trust you right now, not just about having an affair, but to make the home a place he wants to be.

My mother when she used to get mad at us kids used to say : "I will always love you, but I don't have to like you."

Does seem to fit? Are you a likeable person to your H? If not it is time for you to do some real thinking about this. I am not asking you to change yourself, I am asking you what sort of behavior you would like at home and are YOU doing it? If you are, is it something your H would like?

I would like to strongly urge you to read the LB section. Love busters are a major method to tear up a marriage, and it seems you have done plenty. I am not saying he is a saint, but I am saying you are the one that wants this marriage to continue so you are the one that is going to have to do the work, to make your home a place he would like to be.

Finally, is he sure the children are his?? I ask this because one of the biggest subconscious fears men have is that the child is NOT theirs. If you can afford it even offer blood and DNA testing to him to settle it if it is an issue.

Finally are you now honest with him? If there is anything that he needs it will be honesty from you coupled with a bit of care and compassion. He is probably having a hard time believing what you say. And he does have anger he needs to get rid of. That will take a conscious effort and some discussion about what is driving it. I am betting the pain of having someone you just married and loved deeply betray you right at the start of the marriage.

There is hope Don't, but you need to do your homework, and then you are going to need Time and Patience to work through this. Somehow you are going to have to develop hope in your H that things can be better than before, and that you can become someone he trusts.

Please read the articles and such, and keep reading here and posting. I am sure others will come along and offer their help.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for all of your hope and encouragement. I have come to realize that most of the posts on this forum are for the "betrayed", but as being the "betrayer" I need some help to and there aren't any sites "that I could find" for people like me. To answer some questions from JL:
The DNA: He says he has doubts about our first child being his. I have urged him to have DNA tests done but he has not. I know our son belongs to him, but if it will make him fell better then I have told him to please have it done. No, we cannot afford it but could find a way to get it pd for eventually. In our divorce papers it mentions nothing about the first child not being his, but he is denying paternity of the child I am pregnant with now. I know that both of the children belong to my husband. Especially the second one, unless it was imacculate (sp)conception.
Honesty? I am being completely honest with him now. He asks questions that I have no understanding why he'd want to know the truth about, but I read somewhere to be completely honest about each and every question, so I am. Even though it hurts him, and it hurts me to see the look of pain and hatred on his face. Not to mention the "you nasty *****" comments afterwards.
As far as the shutting out part, that needs some explaining. After weeks of counseling, our sessions continued to consist of rehashing, yelling, cursing and extreme statements. The counselor advised us not to discuss the situation at home. She advised us to "leave it there", so that we could have a mediator. When he refused to do this,I would remind him of what our conselor said, I just say "remember what Beverly told us, were not supposed to fight like this at home". I would stress it even more if our son was watching. But the more I begged him to stop the more he dug in. I was just following advice of someone we were paying money to help us, I didn't know that was the wrong thing to do. Then after I found out we were pregnant it got to the point that I was worried about this baby inside me, if the fact that every other I day my BP rose and was constantly crying all time if I was putting it in jepoardy. The more I begged him to calm down, the worse it got. I totally admit during the whole "denial" of the affair I did shut him out. I told him he was crazy, to leave it alone. When the truth was that he was not crazy, he was searching for more answers because he wasn't stupid, he knew the truth even though I wouldn't admit it. during this time I refused to talk about it in fear that he would find out. Since I told him the truth there is only one thing I lied about, I told him that it only happened once, which I did tell him the truth. That it did happen more than once.
I guess this is enough typing. I just wanted to answer those questions. I am doing my homework, I read somewhere that the "betrayer" should never say "I've changed". but I have, I changed a long time ago. But I have completely changed now, my whole attitude both spiritually and with my husband. I am trying to create environment that he wants to be in. It just hurts so bad when I show him my true feelings and we make great love and then he leaves. I'm lonely without him and his son misses him too. I will keep posting here, I feel better already about this.

Don't,

What does your counselor say? Does he/she have a plan to address your H's fears? Does he/she have some ideas for rebuilding this marriage?

I am not sure of the time line here, could you help me.

You were married 9 months

Your affair was 18 months (did this include the time of continual contact?)

You became pregnant at what point in the affair?

How soon after the affair did you become pregnant with your second child?

Your A was discovered in Aug. 2003, was the A over and contact ended by this time??

You all went to counseling when?

You then told him the truth in Feb. 2004.


So really you are about 6-7 months beyond discovery day (D-day) right? If that is the case then the anger is pretty normal about now, but usually it is for people realizing they are staying. In your H's case he is planning on leaving or at least that is what he says.

As for your counselor wanting to encourage you two to only address this in counseling I cannot comment if that was a good or bad idea. Your H apparently did NOT like to be shut out, but you really should not have to put up with extreme anger on his part either. I think the counselor was trying to protect you from him, but it hurt him.

So my advice is the same, read and learn as much as you can. Don't dismiss his doubts about paternity, they may not be found in fact, but it is eating at him. I would suggest you talk to him and have him wait on divorce until this child is born and then do some testing to assure him of your statements. That is the start to building trust and I can think of no greater starting point than him KNOWING the children are his.

Actually, Don't most of the people that responded to you were Wayward Spouses, WS, one was a Betrayed spouse, and I am neither. So you got more of a cross section than you realize.

This is going to take time and patience for it to work out. I am sure what hurts your H is that he was only married to you 9 months before you betrayed him. That suggests to him that you don't think highly of him, and you don't find him to be the man you need. Whether it is true or not I am sure he feels he does not have what it takes to be a man you would Desire, rather than just settle for. Something for you to think about.

God Bless,

JL

Ok here we go. I guess you could say 18 months of continual contact. Not physical contact, just emails and phone calls. I became pregnant shortly after the affair started. Actually, those are questions that are hard to recall, afterall it has been two years since it started. I do have trouble sometimes trying to recall specific stuff, my husband asks a lot of questions that honestly I don't remember the answer to which is frustrating for him. I became pregnant nine months after the affair ended. My husband and I disagree on when the affair really ended. I say it ended in August 2003 which is when my H found out about the phone calls and I had to quit work. I had emailed the OM the next day I think, maybe a couple days later and told him what was important to me, (my marriage) that it was something I regreted and I wanted to save my marriage. Something along those lines. My H would say that that was not the end of the affair because I did email the OM maybe two or three more times, I wasn't trying to continue the affair, it was nothing sexual at all...but again, I shouldn't have emailed him regardless. It should have ended right then and there and because I emailed him a few more times it made it look "not so innocent" so I understand why this upset my husband so much. My answer is yes, the affair ended in August 2003. My H would answer differently but I know what my intentions were at that time. We started counseling at the end of January 2004, we had two sessions...maybe three and at the beginning of Feb. I told him the truth.

My husband isn't planning on leaving. He has already left. He comes by the house daily, but he has only stayed at the house (all night) on two occasions.

I have begged him to wait on this divorce. He wont change his mind. He says each day that goes by is harder and harder to stay away from me. So that gives me hope that he'll come back. I'm just running out of time here. I wanted to try and work on things before I had to file paper against him, I don't want to do that. But he's giving me no choice. I have to. I have no time left now.

I know this will take extreme patience and time if it's going to work out. It just makes no sense to me to say "well i'm gonna file for divorce and while were waiting on the court date to come around maybe we can work things out". And I do love this man more than anything on this earth. He is the man that I need. I don't want him cause I want to settle, I want him becuase I am in love with him and can't imagine life without him. I know what I did before doesn't demonstrate that, but I'm trying everything in my power to demonstrate it now.

Don't give up hope on him yet. You have to understand that he feels like you gave up on him along time ago. He probably has a real hard time beleiving anything you say right now. Unfortunately it sounds like if you had just told the whole truth in counseling you could have been working this out instead of looking at divorce. Do you think he loves you still? You need to be honest with yourself. Do you know for sure your first child is your husbands? You said the affair started before you got pregnant. Do you really love him or do you think you do because he's about to leave. It sounds like you were a little over the top on the shutting him out and not being open with him. Did he ask for help or did you,what was your attitude about it?
Did you love the other man? Do you still care for him? Do you still think of him. How is your love life with your husband. Was it better with the OM? These are questions you need to ask yourself and be honest with your husband about. If your husband says he still loves you after all of the things that happened to him, beleive him and be thankful for it. It is never to late until you stop trying to make him see how much you care. He has apparently has been trough a lot that not many people would have the strength to still say they loved there betrayer. Good Luck

I realize and agree with everything you have said. Yes, I think he still loves me. I am being honest with myself when I say that I know that my son belongs to my hsuband. Yes, I love this man. Can't say it enough how much I love this man, I'm not saying it just because I think he's leaving, I am really in love with this man. He wanted help at first, I disagreed about the MC because I was still denying the whole sick situation which is why I shut him out in the first place. Denial. I then brought up MC and made the appts for us. Did I love the other man? He** no. This was part of a conversation with my H last wk. Did I tell him I loved him, yes sometimes. Did I really love him, no. It just like what our MC told us, an affair is never really love, it's an illusion. We may think we do, we may say it but it's not true.. It's just an illlusion. Do I still think about the OM? NO! Do I still care for him NO! Love life? My love life with my husband right now is wonderful. After the A came out, our sex life improved greatly for about three months (until I became preganant again). Since then, I have been sick and haven't felt good at all. I don't think my husband understood this. He feels like I just haven't been interested in sex for no good reason I think. That's not it at all, I felt like sh** that's why. Since he filed for divorce, our sex has been the greatest ever. Was it better with the OM, once again...NO. These questions are all ones that my H has already asked, and I have been honest with him. I do believe him that he loves me, and I'm thankful for that. But for someone who doesn't want a divorce, I don't want any part of a divorce, I want this to work...I want us to grow old together and watch our children grow together. I want my H so bad that it's just hard to sit back and say,"well I should just be thankful that he loves me" and watch him still be willing to go through with this divorce. I have begged him to go back to the lawyer and tell him that he just want's to rethink this for a little while. I have begged him to do this while we "work" on us, and if he still wants a divorce later then he can go right back and get one. Should I be begging him to do this at all? Or just be patient with him whle the proceedings start?

Dontwanttolosehim one of the things you have to keep in mind is that while your H [husband] may still love you with all his heart and soul, his trust in you is gone. It is one thing to be betrayed a few years into the marriage and quite another to be betrayed 9 months into the honeymoon phase. The former usually has to do with the BS [betrayed spouse] neglecting to meet the emotional needs of the WS [wayward spouse], but the latter often indicates that the WS has some serious and unresolved pre-marital issues and that therapy is needed before the WS can qualify to be in a committed relationship like marriage. Are you going to IC [individual counseling] to find out and address what were the issues that made you chose to have an affair? If you are not then you may be sweeping these issues under the rug and setting yourself up for another affair in the future. The way that the WS can regain the trust of the BS is by discovering the causes of the A and taking measures to resolve them so that they will never come back for a repeat performance. Please give some serious thought to what I said.

God bless.

I give serious thought to everything that's posted here! As far as my reasoning for the A. I was alone, my husband had a hobby that he did almost every night that he didn't have to work. I asked him to stay at home several times, "I'd rather you stay at home with me but I'm not going to tell you that you can't go", things along those lines. I was lonely, felt like I got no attention. I'd come home from wk, make his supper, take it to him, we never "talked". He gets angry when I bring this up. Says it's no excuse. I agree it's not a good enough excuse to do what I did, I turned to someone else when I should have turned to my husband...but at the time I really felt like he was content with our routine and didn't really care. Since the A has come out, he no longer engages in this hobby. I know now that he did love me more than what I thought. There's no way in h#ll that I'd do that again. He's not doing anything that would make me turn the other direction. Have no desire to. We don't talk much about the "excuse" because we disagree on it. He says he might have been away from home maybe 2 nights a wk at the most, I disagree. I remember going to bed by myself more than 2 nights a week but it's neither here nor there. He doesn't do it any more. Should I just accept this divorce and move on? Should I keep trying to change his mind? I just don't know what to do. I know what my heart tells me, I just don't know if its doing any good or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dontwanttolose him:
<strong> I give serious thought to everything that's posted here! As far as my reasoning for the A. I was alone, my husband had a hobby that he did almost every night that he didn't have to work. I asked him to stay at home several times, "I'd rather you stay at home with me but I'm not going to tell you that you can't go", things along those lines. I was lonely, felt like I got no attention. I'd come home from wk, make his supper, take it to him, we never "talked". He gets angry when I bring this up. Says it's no excuse. I agree it's not a good enough excuse to do what I did, I turned to someone else when I should have turned to my husband...but at the time I really felt like he was content with our routine and didn't really care. Since the A has come out, he no longer engages in this hobby. I know now that he did love me more than what I thought. There's no way in h#ll that I'd do that again. He's not doing anything that would make me turn the other direction. Have no desire to. We don't talk much about the "excuse" because we disagree on it. He says he might have been away from home maybe 2 nights a wk at the most, I disagree. I remember going to bed by myself more than 2 nights a week but it's neither here nor there. He doesn't do it any more. Should I just accept this divorce and move on? Should I keep trying to change his mind? I just don't know what to do. I know what my heart tells me, I just don't know if its doing any good or not. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I had some advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and praying that this works out for your family. It definitely does sound like your husband is confused about what he wants.

Dont,

I am totally surprised about the similarities of my story and yours. I could totally say that it is my wife the one who is posting. The only difference is that we do not have children. I guess I might be able to help you to get some understanding about your what your husband is going through and why he is pushing for divorce since our stories differ by only one fact or two. Right now I have to go but I will tell you my story, how I felt then and how I feel now. I would like to ask you just one question for now. How old are you and how old your husband is?

Dont,

I am totally surprised about the similarities of my story and yours. I could totally say that it is my wife the one who is posting. The only difference is that we do not have children. I guess I might be able to help you to get some understanding about your what your husband is going through and why he is pushing for divorce since our stories differ by only one fact or two. Right now I have to go but I will tell you my story, how I felt then and how I feel now. I would like to ask you just one question for now. How old are you and how old your husband is?

One more question, who is the main bread winner? and what about education, who has a higher degree of education?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dontwanttolose him:
Should I just accept this divorce and move on?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not unless you've changed your mind and now want one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I keep trying to change his mind? I just don't know what to do. I know what my heart tells me, I just don't know if its doing any good or not.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not trying to give you false hope but if your H truly wanted to D he would not be with you right now. His behavior is not one of a man that wants out of his marriage badly enough.

Besides the Dr Willard Harley's books I also recommend that you get your hands on Dr. Ellen Kreidman's book 'Light His Fire'. It is one of the best books on helping couples reignite the passion they once had. My W has used Dr Kreidman's advice and I can vouch that I feel like a teenage boy in love for the first time [strange for a 46 year old guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> wouldn't you say?]. Buy the book, implemente her advice and be patient.

tmcm makes a good point, even if there is an understanding as to why you were vunderable to an A (i.e. feeling lonley) this does not get to the root cause of why you choice to respond to your lonley feelings by having an affair. to me, and possible to you, it seems obvious... if a person is lonely, of course they are going to seek the company of another person. what is so hard to understand? but the point is, that is NOT what everyone would choose to do.

i too felt extremely lonely/neglected/rejected. these are very hard feelings for me to deal with due to my childhood. IC is helping me (although sometimes i think it is just this board that is really helping me the most). When I was a kid, from about 5th - 8th grade, my mom was an extremely unhappy person (this is putting it mildly). most of the time she was home, she spent in her bedroom crying. i was the youngest of 4. i wanted so bad to "make" her happy. but my efforts only resulted in her yelling at me in hysterics through her door to go away, "don't you get it, i don't want you, i want a man"

For a shorter amount of time during this same phase in my life, my brother would get me to sexually satisfy him with my hand. and when i did he would tell me how much he liked it (i.e. liked me, something i needed so bad). I didn't feel comfortable doing it but i would anyway. he did not physically force me or anything, he persauded me.

at the start of HS, i moved to my dad's house because the other kids didn't want to live with mom anymore. i was the only one that wanted to stay but dad said it was all or nothing. dad and my stepmom were not really wanting to have 4 kids though, and it showed.

i tell you all this to make a point. you need to understand, there may be reasons why you were vunderable to an affair. the state of your marriage is BOTH of your doing. but your choice to have an A was YOUR choice alone and it will do you good to dig into why that is and it will do your H good knowing that you are doing that digging and sharing with him what you uncover.

what do you think?

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

janei - to answer your question, I am thirty...my husband turns 36 at the end of this month.