janei - to answer your second question. He is the bread winner. Since I quit my job last August I have stayed at home to raise my son. I'm going to have to find a job soon though which I don't want to do. Not because I'm lazy, but because I feel it's what's best for my children. We both had some college education but neither of us graduated. He is currently a part time student working on a degree in business.

FL - I am totally for the "digging". But I don't know where to start. If there was some other underlying reason, say something from my past or from my childhood...wouldn't I know that. Or would I? You see, I don't know. Did you seek IC to find out this information or was is something that you always knew? By the way, thank you and thank you to everyone else for replying. It's amazing what a help it is. I pray for everyone here, whatever your needs are, God knows them and he will deal with them. We just have to have faith, which is difficult sometimes.

I would have to agree with too much coffe man. It seems to me that your h is not someone who really wants a divorce but it sounds as if though you may of backed him into a corner and he feels like it's the only way out. It also kind of sounds as if though you may already be giving up and leaning towards the divorce. I have tried to read everthing that has been posted here to better understand your situation. I am trying to look at this from your H point of view. You started an affair 9 months into you marriage or sometime before you got pregnant You continued to sleep with the other man through the course of your pregnancy while you were carrying what you think is your husbands child. Did the OM think the child may be his? You were caught and denied it as long as you could. When the truth came out did you tell the whole truth or did you still keep things from him? Have you told him everything now? Do you think he really believes that you don't still think about the OM? Where do stand there? Your husband has absolutely nothing to trust in right now. The woman he married was cheating on him nine months into the marriage, while she was carrying his baby. Did you ever attempt to sit down and tell your H your feelings of lonliness? Did he participate in this hobby while you were dating or just start after marriage. If he hadn't done this until marriage I can see how it might have taken you by surprise. If he did this before marriage it is not an excuse for you. Do you think there were times that your H was lonely while you were carrying on with the OM? Did he ever express feelings of lonliness to you? I am trying my best to understand all things. I am having a difficult time getting past the sleeping with another man while you were carrying Your husbands baby. Your H sounds like he most definitely loves you more than anything. There is apparently a lot of hope for you still. Had you been working hard to be open and honest with him before he filed or is this a very recent change in your actions? If so you need to realize that when someone can't trust, ecspecially in a situation such as yours, it takes time and prolonged effort to turn someone around. Is he worth it to You? Forget the formalities if he loves you like he says he does and if he's worth it to you You may go through this divorce and still make it if you continue to try and show you've changed. It doesen't happen overnight. Best of luck. I'll pray for you and your family.

hi dontwanttolosehim,

sorry for not seeing your post responses sooner.

regarding... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you seek IC to find out this information or was is something that you always knew? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i always knew my childhood was less than desirable but i never really dealt with it and i didn't at all realize how much it subconciously impacted me, my actions, my perceptions as an adult. it is hard to me to say anything much stronger than my childhood was less than desirable when in fact it was worse than just less than desirable but that is hard for me to face, i've always really loved my family anyway and it feels shameful to me that it was so disfunctional, i don't know if that makes any sense. and i think that maybe it will make sense to you.

you wrote...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> wouldn't I know that. Or would I? You see, I don't know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why don't you know? maybe that is a good starting point. for me, when i left home and went to college i just wanted to forget everything. my one sister used to try to get me to talk about childhood and i would get so mad at her, i buried it all and denied it all, because i just didn't want it to hurt me anymore, but in the end choosing to do that hurt me and my H and my kids... see what i mean??

i look forward to hearing more from you.

bent and twisted,

i see this is your first post and i just wanted to welcome you to MB.

Bent -
To answer your questions, I am not leaning toward getting a divorce or giving up hope. I had to go file papers on him yesterday because I had to, not because I wanted to. I am not giving up hope, it's very hard right now to be with him and my son having the most wonderful time, holding hands and smiling and then I remember..."Oh wait a minute, were still going thru a divorce".
I didn't sleep with the OM the whole course of the pregnancy, which is neither here nor there. I shouldn't have slept with him to begin with I just wanted to get that straight. I don't think that the child belongs to my H, I know. The OM never thought the child was his. Yes, I am completely honest with H aabout everything now. As far as still thinking about the OM...no, I don't. I think about OM when I am forced to by my H. I don't wonder where he is, how he's doing...nothing like that. Do I expect my H to believe that, probably not. But it's the truth. The only time OM comes to mind is when H forces me to think about him and the A. Did I sit down and tell H about my feelings of loneliness? No, I didn't sit him down 1 on 1 and have a "talk" about it. There were several times that as he walked out the door he said "would you rather me stay home" and my answer was "yes". I thought that was enough Hint that I had a problem with him being gone so much. Obviously not, which I know that now. Yes, he had this hobby before we married. Excuse? No it's not an excuse whether he had this hobby before we were married or not. But it's like this, and I'm not excusing anything. When we 1st started dating, he "hobbied" all the time, I just stayed out with friends most of the time. I wasn't at home by myself. Then we got engaged, so while he was "hobbying" then, I was always busy planning a wedding. Hence, I still didn't spend time alone. After we got married, and I moved in with him, 45 minutes away from my friends and family, I was stupid and actually thought that H would cut down on hobby. He says he did, but I disagree. Maybe a little but not what I had expected. I stupidly thought that when we got married that he'd actually spend more time at home. I was wrong. And the shift that he worked didn't help matters much either. Still an excuse to have an A? Heck no. I just wanted to do some more explaining here. Husband lonely while I was pregnant? I don't know why he would have been. If he was at home, so was I. I can't think of a time that H was here and I wasn't. After the baby was born I did start spending more time at my parents house. I was a new mother, didn't have a clue, was suffering from post partum depression, he was working midnights. And I needed some help around here, so I would go and stay with them. He did express feelings of loneliness then, after the baby was born. But his lonelyness had nothing to do with the A. It wasn't like I was out all hours of the night every week with OM. That's all for now. I started MC today with pastor. Feel better about some things. It always helps when I hear "yes, you guys can do this".

good job starting counsoling, glad it helped, keep it up and keep posting!

you guys CAN do this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Congratulations on starting the Counseling.I hope it goes well for you. Did your H attend it also. What was his feedback on it. What aspects do you feel positive about and what do feel negative about.Just don't give up, there will be many bad days filled with anger and bitterness on his part. Like I said last time Is he worth it, Is he really the man you love, if so don't give up. If he's still around there always hope no matter what formality you have gone through or are going through. Keep posting.

Haven't seen anymore post lately hope all is going well. Had anymore conseling sessions?

Bent, and everyone else. Sorry, I haven't posted lately. Saturday me, H and our son went on a little "outing". It wasn't planned, just spur of the moment. I haven't had anymore counseling. I go for IC on Thursday. Well I wanted to post some. But my 2 yr old hsd crawled up in my lap so I'll have to finish this later. Keep praying for us! I think it may be helping!

Glad to hear you had a good outing this weekend. Keep on trying. How is acting? Let us know about the counseling. Keep it up.

Bent - I am curious to what your situation is. Have you been through a divorce? Going through one? I am curious as to why you refer to a divorce as a "formality". Is that really all it is to you...a formality? Because it's much more than that to me.
Our outing was great. H is acting fine. Like everything is just fine and dandy. I have been a little depressed lately. I keep having to remind myself that everything is not fine. No where near close to bing fine. I am currently waiting for the lawyer to call so I can go sign the papers. They should be ready. It'll take everything I have to sign my name to those papers, and not sure exactly how I'll feel after it's done. I was supposed to have IC today but MC just now called and postponed until tomorrow. I was anxious to go today. I need some hope, I know he can give it to me. At our first session he asked H if he would be willing to put everything off for a little while, at least for now, H said yes. But has not put anything off. I'm wondering why he even told the counselor that.
I was reading some posts yesterday and found two things that really helped me. One was a post from a lady who's H had filed for divorce but couldn't really make up his mind if he wanted to reconcile or not. The H said he was waiting on a "sign" from God to tell him what to do. Someone had replied saying that she believed that statement to be a "load of crap". That God's signs are right there in front of him, they're in his scripture. I truly believe that. My H and I both have made the same "waiting on a sign" statement. I have realized that my signs are right there in front of me, I knew that. Maybe H just chooses not to see signs, which is his decision. God doesn't tell anyone to get a divorce, he hates divorce. It is allowed, but not looked upon as a must. Another post that I had read was about forgiveness, and my husband is not the only one who has to learn to forgive. I must forgive as well, I have things to forgive for. and I will continue to use this in my daily life..."Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
I'm going to go for now. H should be home from work soon. I want to make sure the house looks good for him. God bless all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
I'm going to go for now. H should be home from work soon. I want to make sure the house looks good for him. God bless all. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for posting hat scripture. Makes me teary.

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

My situation mirrored yours in many ways. Only varying in a couple of ways. Yes i was divorced. Yes it is very serious. Not meaning to be catty
but what does marriage mean to you. Is it just a legal formality that allows you to do as you please. You sure weren't thinking about divorce when you were out doing your thing. I wasn't thinking about it either. I was a taker just like you. I had been married for two years when my A started. I lived in a fog just like you. I had a wonderful man who loved me very much. He wasn't perfect and i beat him up for small things. I did not communicate with him about these problems and used them as an excuse to do what I wanted. I denied everything just like you even after I was caught. I watched my husband wither into a shell of what he once was physically the whole time. My husband knew I was lying and begged me to tell the truth so we could work on us. I didn't listen I just sat idly by living in denial and the fog of the OM, probably as you did. The truth only came out in bit's and pieces. Has your husband lost weight? Does he have problems sleeping,or with mood swings? If he does, he is not just fine and dandy, he is still dealing with the immense amount of lies and pain that are a part of his life now. He can't sleep or eat because of the thoughts of you with the OM. It is something we will never ever know the depth of. My husband did divorce me but it is not because he wanted to, he said he felt like he had to. He said I let the lies go on to long. I never told the whole truth until I was served with D papers. He said he still loved me and was willing to continue to work on things. I am so thankful for this because we did. I never gave up on showing him I had changed and how much he meant to me and how sorry I was. It was very tough at times. After D we continued to see MC and with time love and patience we have since reconciled.What kind of sign did you get that let you know your husband is the one you wanted. We can't have our cake and it to, not for long at least. When did your H stop getting lies from you? when did you tell the whole story? what sign do you think he has seen to this point. When I say formality i mean that as long as there is still love on both parts it can overcome any thing with time and work. You must understand that forgiveness will come much slower to him than you like, you can't set the time table. What are your forgiveness issues about? Yes Jesus said to forgive but he also stated in (Matthew 5:32) But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for (marital unfaithfulness) causes her to become an adultress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. God does not like divorce but he hates adultery as much. That is something all of us WS's need to remember when we want to know where God is in our time of need. We need to ask ourselves where he was or were we thinking of him when we were hurting people with our sickness and lies. Why didn't we think of him when we were in our motels, cars, and other secret places? Don't give up if you truly love him. It sounds like he does still love you! You should take that more seriosly than anything, and work your butt off to show him you love him.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: BENT AND TWISTED ]</small>

Things sound so simple to you bent. I'm so glad that you and your husband worked things out. I'm also happy that you can look at divorce the way you do. I however do not. Yes, I agree with you as I said earlier in my last post...divorce is "allowed" when adultery is committed. "allowed" is the key word here. God still hates divorce. It is allowed, not mandatory. Jesus also says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart". According to this, I have every reason to run off and leave my H, could have a long time ago and still could today. But I didn't. Now one could look at this situation and say " well how could she compare the two, one is much worse than the other". In earthly life it is, but God doesn't see one sin bigger than another. Sin is sin. That's the problem with a lot of Christians...they want to take certain sin and dismiss it because they feel it's not as critical as other sin. I feel that we are supposed to look for reasons to restore our marriage, not look for excuses to leave it. Has H lost weight? he sure has. Have I? I sure have...and what's bad is that I'm 5 mos. pregnant. I'm supposed to be gaining lbs., not losing it. This is hard on the both of us, not just him. I'm curious as to why you think it's so easy to work things out and get a divorce at the same time. I observed a post from you in the divorce/divorcing forum, two replies were given to you stating that it's not a good idea to get a divorce with the idea of working things out at the same time. I praise the Lord that it worked out great for your family. But obviously it's not for everyone. I have to go for now, I'm not sure that it's even a good idea for me to post here anymore. I come here for hope, maybe I should just rely on MC for that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dontwanttolose him:
<strong> This is hard on the both of us, not just him......I have to go for now, I'm not sure that it's even a good idea for me to post here anymore. I come here for hope, maybe I should just rely on MC for that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't stop posting here. There is hope!! There are MANY couples here that did not end up getting divorced as you know! Would your H be willing to come and read here at all?

Thinking of you!

I have mentioned it to him twice. Once just yesterday. I suggested that it had helped me and could do the same for him. I told him that it's just a wonderful website full of information that could help us, and encourage us. So I'm not sure if he will visit MB or not. I hope so. I'm just really down today, I have cried all morning. And I don't mean to be short or hateful, so bent...if you read this then I owe you an apology. I don't know if it's my hormones or what but I'm just really depressed. The weather isn't helping either, Ivan is now paying us a visit here and it rained all night last night and has done nothing but rain today as well. I just can't seem to stop the tears today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dontwanttolose him:
<strong> I have mentioned it to him twice. Once just yesterday. I suggested that it had helped me and could do the same for him. I told him that it's just a wonderful website full of information that could help us, and encourage us. So I'm not sure if he will visit MB or not. I hope so. I'm just really down today, I have cried all morning. And I don't mean to be short or hateful, so bent...if you read this then I owe you an apology. I don't know if it's my hormones or what but I'm just really depressed. The weather isn't helping either, Ivan is now paying us a visit here and it rained all night last night and has done nothing but rain today as well. I just can't seem to stop the tears today. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sending you big big hugs. You are going through an EXTREMELY Stressful period of your life. You are pregnant, have a small child at home and are dealing with the aftermath of an affair- and threatened divorce. Of course you're stressed and depressed. I have had times where I didn't know how I was possibly going to go on so I can relate. Just know that things will get better- they WILL!

I hope one of the other more experienced MB's jumps in here with more concrete advice. I know someone suggested that I buy the book and leave it out where my H could see it- and read it if he so chose. Perhaps that might be a way of prodding him to do some reading? I don't know- grasping here as I just don't have much experience!

Thinking of you and holding you and your family close in my prayers and thoughts.

Thank you so so much. I praise the Lord for people such as you! As silly as it seems, I need to hear acknowledgement from someone, anyone...just saying that I too am having a rough time. It goes through my mind everyday what a rough time H is having, all due to my actions. Not to mention that he is very good about reminding me of the same. It's just a real rough day. I am stuck in a limbo and don't know what to do, I worry about everything. I worry about H, I worry about my son who has already come in here twice and said "mommy crying". I worry about this child inside me, they say that the baby feels what you feel. I'm so afraid that it will be a complete and total emotional basketcase. 99% of this pregnancy has been nothing but emotions, and I'm not talking of laughter. And I also worry about myself. I just wish 4PM would roll around so I can get to counseling. Thank you again for your words of encouragement.

I went and found some of my favorite scriptures for you...Please know that you are not alone.

Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Psalm 121:1-8 "I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shad at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

John 14:27 " Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."


I also wanted to share with you some writing on the topic of God's love and forgiveness that I have found helpful:

That basis--that Biblical foundation--is the covenant that God has made, not only with Abraham, but with the entire human race. It is this hope that is the "central core" of Scripture that provides an anchor for our soul, which is "sure and steadfast." It is the assurance that the Lord who is both our Judge and our Savior will inherit all people from all nations. This is glad tidings of great joy which shall be for all people! (Luke 2:13)


What does this mean for you personally? It means that no matter how wretchedly you may fail, God is committed to restore you and bless you in Jesus Christ. He is absolutely committed. This promise assures hope for the very worst of sinners! THAT is what it means. This covenant brings hope to us chronic screw-ups and ragamuffins! It frees us to thirst for righteousness--for its own sake. It frees us from being trapped in a goofy, religious life style of striving and straining and pretending to love God when the real motive behind our frenzied attempts at virtue is--fear of His abandonment
How do patterns of addictive and compulsive behavior begin to engulf our lives? These invade us when we have tried and tried, and we just do not care anymore--because we are too exhausted to care. We have reached a state in which we feel that we have been "good for nothing!" In other words, we have TRIED to be good, and repeatedly failed--and the religious fear-motivation is what has fueled our disasters. Or perhaps the fear of another human being's rejection has driven us and imprisoned us in failure. So at last, we're ready for ANY pain killer, whether it be booze, promiscuity or drugs--you name it--just so that we can FEEL good, even if momentarily. (Hehe. Yes, it does look as if I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it? How discerning of you to notice!)

This covenant was not given ONLY to believers who demonstrate valid faith in this lifetime, (as is expressed by deeds of obedience, for don't forget that faith without works is dead! Jas. 2:20) No, this covenant is made with all humankind. No curses attached to it for any human wrong doing can cancel it. For as Paul has told us already, the law cannot annul this promise. Therefore it includes blessing being eventually assured to the worst of sinners, even Judas (and Peter, too!) who betrayed and denied the Lord. The height, depth, width and length of God's love is unfathomable! He is COMMITTED to us, and is committed to bringing the worst of us around. Now this brings tremendous comfort and hope, doesn't it?

Absolutely! For this promise to Abraham of universal blessing has to do with Jesus turning "every one of you from your sins"! (Acts 3:25-26) Therefore even if we are "utterly destroyed" (Acts 3: 23) due to our stubbornness or foolishness, God will not let us be so utterly destroyed that He cannot bring us back around. And that is because Paul tells us that Jesus came to CONFIRM this covenant. Furthermore He also came to fulfill the prophets, and not to destroy them (Matt. 5:17-18). In fact, our Lord came to fulfill both the law and the prophets, and this covenant is found in Genesis--written by Moses! (The foremost of God's prophets, and the one to whom He first spelled out the law.)

Not pointing fingers and no offense taken. The bible says that a man should gouge out his eyes for looking upon a woman lustfully, and adultresses should be stoned. I never did look at reconciling through divorce as easy or as an ideal situation. I finally wanted to become acountable for my actions and do whatever was necessary to mend the relationship with the man I truly loved. There are a lot of success stories that you apparently haven't seen. Go to the divorcing divorced section and look under Can divorced couples reconcile. It's full of hope, as you should be. I'm pulling for you.