Nine months.

I've been at this for nine months.

And I don't see an end in sight.

WW and I have been separated since January. I have been in Plan B since April. Our 3 year anniversary is in about six weeks.

I have done a lot this year, in a lot of ways rediscovered me, who I am, and where I want to go.

I never (ok, very rarely) think about where, with whom or what WW is doing. I know she and OM are still together, but I don't really give it much thought. It's not the A that is giving me trouble. It's the situation.

But this limbo seems to be eating me alive, and I am not sure what, if anything, is going to ease this. Nothing has happened as far as the D goes. We have blown past the 6 month separation threshold. Nothing.

Why? Money? She borrowed close to $10K from her mom to get out of the mortgage on our house... Certainly between WW, OM and the ILs, somebody has the $150 to file.....

Is she waiting on me to file? Certainly she "knows better."

The potential of the D is very stressful (I try not to worry about it, but right now, it's the monster under my bed....)

I also struggle greatly with this: (And I'll try to put this into logical terms. It makes sense to me. I hope I can express it.)

I have two or more strongly opposing viewpoints in my head.

One enjoys the things that I do on my own, enjoys the prospect of dating again one day, etc....

The other is left trying to figure out who WW is, without her involved in the process. It is fairly obvious that this may just be who she is, and she may continue to use people for some time until she figures some stuff out. But I don't want to believe that about her. I want to see the good in her, I want to believe in her.

And this is a daily (almost hourly) struggle for me. I have done everything I can to let go of this. I was prepared to be D'd by now. Surely she was marking the days off of the calendar... but nothing has happened.

And here I sit. Waiting, but not waiting. Praying, hoping. Not necessarily for WW to return, but just for resolution. Clarity in my thought and decision making. Relief.

I had originally set my 3 year anniversary as a bench mark to stop and examine where I was. But in 6 weeks I don't know how much change to expect. And so I prepare to spend it alone. Not D'd. Not M'd. Just there.

And honestly, this is wearing me out.

Thanks if you've read this far. Thanks for being my sounding board. I hope what I feel is adequately expressed. I don't think it's sadness. It feels a lot more like confusion or perhaps frustration.

Ethan

furnitureman -

I know the feeling. I have been at this for 19 months, waiting for something to happen. Mostly I just enjoy my life the best that I can.

At first I waited months and months for WH to do something. Then I realized it was up to me to take charge of my life. You can do that too.

Ethan, I'm in a different place and a different situation, but I have the same problem.

My WW left three months ago, and I've barely seen her since then. The few conversations and handful of emails we've exchanged since she first said "I think we should break up" haven't given me too much hope for resolution either. Those have been all about HER, all about me doing my best plan A, nothing about figuring out what combination of wiring in her head and behavior by me caused this. Nothing about giving me resolution.

I want to believe in my WW, but she gives me nothing to believe in. She gives me nothing, period.

This situation forced me to take myself apart, and I'm trying to put Gray back together. But now I'm also doing something that's a new challenge. In search of answers, I'm taking the sparrow apart from memory, and trying to find out where she's broken.

I'm developing some good theories from my memories. But none of this makes me believe in her. They tell me she can stuff her pain, that she likes to stuff it. They tell me she can leave relationships behind and not give them very much thought. So I'm not finding very much that is good. The only thing so far is, she has enough humility, I think, to admit she's done wrong. To me. But I don't think she has the courage to admit it to e.g. my mother.

The other differences we have - my WW has served D papers, and I am very, very sad.

GC

I know exactly what you are going thru Ethan, I go through it almost hourly.

I just want to know "WHO HE IS", really.

My friends, family and everyone on here says he is garbage, a serial cheater, a user, a conman.

But when I fell in love with him, I saw something different, it was a love affair like no other. I thought he hung the moon and stars, I thought he loved me...he acted like he loved me. It was not an act, of this I am certain, but just who is he.

Was is just projection of my love, honesty, integrity, hopes, dreams, lifelong longings onto him? Was it all an illusion?

Who is he, and what is true. This too is my struggle, and when will I have the answers...if ever, and will I find peace?

I know exactly how you feel.

Thanks to those that have replied....

It's really the strangest thing.

I feel trapped. Can you believe it? Trapped!!!

But by what? My convictions, my commitment? It's like I'm single, but I'm not, and that is the wierdest feeling in the world.

I spoke to my pastor about two weeks ago. I had hope the he would offer some great clairvoyant message. He said what I was afraid he was going to say. That biblically, I was in the clear. I could divorce if I wanted to. I could stay if I wanted to.

So what do I want to do? I have no earthly idea.

So I pray. Every day. But it's still tough.

There were two things that I wasn't prepared for. The first was that Plan B would be this effective. I had heard about the WS scrambling back trying to find ways to break NC. Not a peep from WW. The second was this void that I'm in right now. I expected to simply Plan B as a "last resort" and then the D would come.

But it hasn't. And for the life of me, I don't know why. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I could choose to initiate the D. But why, I feel as though I would let myself down if I did that. I don't want to exit with any regrets, b/c I know it will eat me alive in the future. I would be doing it to relieve my pain, not because I believe that my M is irrecoverable.

Ugh..... That's all. Uggghhhh....

Well Ethan, she's what, 4-5 months into life with OM, right? Is she in an exclusive relationship, is she just having fun, or do you not know?

Another question for you. What was the status of your R when you went to plan B? Were you living together and putting up with the A, or what?

In any case, it is a surprise that a serial cheater would ditch out for good under plan B, isn't it?

GC

First, I wanted to say that I'm very sorry you are having to go through this.
Second, I want to thank you for this post.
Sometimes I am terrible with words. Exspecially when it's something important, I just can't get the right words to describe things. Your posts have put words to the things I feel but can't express in writing.

And about what's been going on, if she wanted to, she would find a way to file for divorce if she wanted it that bad. She's waiting as well. Although, we can't get into her mind to find out exactly what. I'm sorry I can't be much more help, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> but I wanted to add my voice in telling you that you are not alone.

Well here is how I look at it. The husband I married is dead. He no longer exists. All of the things that I loved about him are no longer there. He is a different person now.

So I have finally accepted that, and grieved it. Now I am moving on.

Believer, you didn't consider the person you loved gone for good until pretty recently.

So - do you wish him well? I'm having a hard time imagining my feelings for the sparrow in a year. I guess if I'm doing well by then I'll be indifferent to her. Except she will be the woman who intentionally destroyed two families. I won't be indifferent to such a person. I'll avoid her like a disease.

Just imagine, these kind of people are walking around all over the place. "They Live".

GC

gray -

My husband was a good man. I admired him before I was involved with him. He treated everyone the same - whether the person was homeless or the Qween of England.

He changed into a man that lies and takes advantage. He is cold, uncaring, and filled with the fog. He justifies everything.

He says that he feels no guilt because OW and her husband were not getting along well. That is not the truth. But WH has no conscience now.

My husband is dead. In his place, there is an evil man, someone I don't know.

I don't hate the man he is now. I just don't want him in my life.

Howdy Ethan,

I’ve been lurking here, but have not posted much as I’ve had the month of August off and with the kids. I need to go back to work tomorrow and get some rest. Enough about me though.

I see you looking up at your sails and noticing there’s no wind. So where’s the current going to take you? I hate the not knowing stuff too.

Maybe you should pick a date on the calendar for you to move on. You obviously can’t go on like this forever and who knows what is running through WW mind. At least with the date you don’t have to go through the constant evaluation process every day to figure out what you’re doing and feeling. That day may arrive and you can then set yourself free. Sometimes we become the prisoner and the jailer.

Come to think of it, I believe you have a time frame. You made reference to it on the loyal hubbies thread no? Well then, if that’s the case good on ya for letting us hear your musings.

My anniversary is coming up as well...n one week. I may take GC’s advice and take myself out for dinner. Maybe someplace with metal cutlery! It will feel odd eating without a sink beneath me to catch the crumbs.

I'm curious, after all the water under the bridge, what would it take for you to accept your wife back if she so chose to wish a reconciliation?

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

furtintureman, graycloud, weaver, et al.

Go to a mirror. Have a look at yourself.

Imagine the person that looks back at you is you, only five years older.

Regardless of what happens in the next few months, or next few years, what kind of person do you want to see looking back at you? Who is looking back at you? Is it a person that understands and accepts pain, but has found a place of peace? Is it a person wiser than before. Is it a person that is comfortable with themselves? Is it a person older and wiser? You have to choose who you will see - who you will be.

This is rhetorical of course, but ultimately your journey will take you to and then past the person in the mirror.

Sometimes you have to live a breath at a time in order to survive.

Sometimes, you have to see yourself at the other end of the rainbow in order to take the long journey to get there.

Sometimes it is best to ignore our current reflection and see only the future us.

For you all, I have looked at your reflections through the eyes of prayer, and I see only happy, strong, steely people of great determination. I see mended hearts stronger than ever. I see people able to engage and love others. I see you all as people of the highest fiber and character.

God Bless,
Gimble

Gimble,

Thank you so much.

Weaver

Ethan,
Limbo is excruciating. I always say a sharp knife beats a dull one anyday. I've been reminding myself lately that I am not a prisoner to the whims of my W's fog. I can at anytime choose to let her go and move on. I have also realized that letting her go and moving on do not necessarily have to be synonymous. You can set your time frame and at that point be ready call it a day. I do however think it's not time until you say it's time. There will be no magical moment for this, then again there might be. You will know. I sometimes hear other people telling me I've been at this far too long. I think this is something I need to accept, because at some point my own mental health must take priority. I am trying to get on with my life. By all means E go have that dinner! Enjoy it! I feel your pain friend, and I honestly believe it all works out just as it's intended to work out, even if we try with all our mights to alter it. Some of us will reconcile with our S's, some of us will not D and remain single, and some of us will D and remarry one day. I don't know which column my story will fall in, but I truly believe it's not all up to me.

Take care of yourself Ethan and listen to those inner voices yah know? I used to ignore mine for what I thought was the greater good, now I listen for them like the gems they are. When it's time you will know it, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I don't know if I just gave you any advice, more like a interpertation based on my experiences and my own struggles, but I hope it helps in a small way.

FM

Edited for wording and hope!)

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

hey furnitureman, i was just thinking of you and tinman last night and wondered how you were doing. i don't read/post here as much anymore but when i saw this post i wanted to read and see how you were doing. i'm not a wise old sage and probably don't have a lot of advice per se to offer but will just give you my 2 cents.

you could look at the situation a couple of different ways. if your W hasn't filed for a D is this because deep down she doesn't want one? you certainly aren't giving her a reason to D, meaning your not stalking or harassing her, you changed the things that needed to be changed and you follow your words w/action. so if you think that this might be a reason why she hasn't filed then perhaps that's the reason why you shouldn't do anything. but of course there's always the other side of the coin and that she doesn't want to be the bad guy by filing. this is my case. my H wants me to be the one that files (validated by SH) because somehow that would make him feel better about himself and i would be the one that filed. or it could simply be about money. i don't know, it will cost my H about $1500 to file.

but you've also already considered that this may be the way she is and that she will never truly change and for that you have to ask yourself as you already have if you are willing to live w/this. i'm not saying miracles can't happen because certainly they do and God is in the miracle business. also, i think it's good that you have a tentative timeline (your anniversary). but you knkow what? lots of things can happen in 6weeks. there's also nothing to say that once you get to your anniversary that you can't readjust your timeframe and give yourself another date like another 6 weeks.

i never thought i would be where i am at this point in time. by that i mean that i'm actually not that upset or emotional about my H filing. well he says he's going to but i haven't received anything. God has enabled me to have some healing and allowed me to come full circle and be able to really accept that there's nothing i can do to stop a D or get my H to change or that it may not be God's will for my marriage to be rebuilt (even after the divorce). i am at peace w/that. actually one of my concerns now is that i will be in another realtionship after the divorce then my H will come back and then what will i do. continue to do what you are doing by going to God and praying. He has wonderful plans for you but it's on his timeline not our.

hope this made sense, prayers to you, RR

Wow.... Thanks for all the responses...

I will try to catch everyone in kind.

GC-
I assume she is still in an exclusive relationship with OM. At least that's the way the wind blows it to me. Strangely enough, he has moved from the apartment complex that they were living at. I don't know the who or whys about it. I believe he was living with a roommate. I don't know though. I am assuming it is an "exclusive relationship."

When I went to plan B, we were living separately, but I was doing the best plan A under the circumstances. I began the year living at our house she lived with her parents. Before D-day I went to stay with friends, she moved to our house as "no one else was involved." House was sold in May.

TTSi-
There have been many times that others have been able to express my feelings better than I. That's what I love about this place.

And I agree, if she wanted to she would find a way to file. To get this over. But I guess it's not really important to her. Dunno.

Binder-
Great to hear from you. And yes, I do have a time frame, which may or may not be readjusted. It's approaching a little faster than I thought it would.

What would it take? Good question. At the beginning, a committment to explore and repair what is wrong with her first and the M, second. STD testing, NC for good, new job for her. I guess that would be a launching point. I'm am still committed to my M, and to my W in the sense that I said I would, and that means a lot to me, whether she tore all of that down or not. But she also won't come traipsing back into my life with the same ease that she left. That's one of the reasons that I want to leave "no stone unturned." If she comes back after D, and wants to be "back" that is going to play he!! with my situation then.

Gimble-
Thanks for the words.....

FM-
I think you are right. As I prayed last night, I thanked God, because I knew that this is exactly where he wanted me to be. It isn't comfortable, and I don't know 100% why I'm *here* (dead in the water), but I know that I'm supposed to be here.

roughroad-
Good to hear from you as well. I have taken all of the ammunition out of WW's gun (not that she had much to begin with) and that she'll have to muster all of the selfishness within her to go and get the D. Not that that's not possible.... Or she may be waiting for me to do it, to make it easier on her. But I'm not certain that is going to happen anytime soon. And it may just be a money issue. But I have no idea. I have long since stopped "hoping" one way or the other. I suppose time will tell.......

Great to hear from you guys......

Thanks.

Ethan