WH sent me the following e-mail today in response to one I sent. One of his employees quit which will mean a lot more work for him. I asked how they were going to survive when he takes off for the baby. He originally told me he was planning on taking the 6 weeks off after the birth.

"My boss did ask me this morning what my plans were going to be. I told her I would most likely take the 6 weeks (longer if you need me or there is a difficult birth). I told her that depending on the timing on the birth and the move, I would be willing to come in to help for the 2 or 3 days of the move.

We need to discuss what you want me to do when the baby is born. I don't want to take 6 weeks off if I am not around the baby. Doesn't mean I have to be there every single day. We can maybe discuss it more in person."

I don't know how to respond when he wants to discuss what we will do when the baby gets here. What do I say? How do I respond?

How can he bear that thought of not seeing his new born baby every day? I know some men (and women) just are not baby people but WH is. He loves kids, he is so good with all his nieces and nephews. We were always babysitting them and he would be the one that played with them the most. At family gatherings, he is the one out with the kids while the grown ups are inside.

The whole thought of having to do this on my own has really hit me today. Yes, he says he will always be there for the baby. But this is from the same person who also said until death do us part.

Kloe,

I know you have followed my story. My WH thought he could come back and make it work after he saw his son and felt such love for him. In the end though he was still disconnected and only wanted to be around for his son not the marriage. You don't want that at all. I know it is sooo difficult to accept when your dreams have been shattered. We are currently on a visitation schedule that I found on the Internet. My WH has been nice through this whole thing. Guilt I assume. He wants us to get along. My son is three weeks old know. I sometimes call him in the middle of the night when I am at my wits end and he comes over and gives me a break. It is hard when you aren't sleeping and don't have help.
In time I have accepted that my WH and I are not happy together that something snapped and we are different people now. I am focusing on getting past this, finishing my D, and finding someone new.
You don't deserve this. Just know that someone else will treat you like gold one day and you will think why did I ever put up with his crap!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just know that someone else will treat you like gold one day and you will think why did I ever put up with his crap! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OR, perhaps your WH is looking for a way to come home, Kloe. How would I respond to your H's email? I would write something like this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We need to discuss what you want me to do when the baby is born. I don't want to take 6 weeks off if I am not around the baby. Doesn't mean I have to be there every single day. We can maybe discuss it more in person." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H, I would love to speak with you in person regarding how you want to spend the first 6 weeks of our dear baby's life. I cannot imagine I would refuse you to be over here every single day, marveling at the life we created. You are welcome each day, any day you want. Love, Kloe

IF your H is looking for a way to come back and "save face," as opposed to groveling or begging, this could be his way of asking. After I got to where you are in my Plan A (remember, my H left too), whenever H talked about coming over, spending time at home, being with his boys, I smiled warmly and welcomed him.

I let him know I respected his decision to stay away if he needed to, and I also let him know that he was welcome to come back home when he was ready. I think this is a good opportunity for you to put that out there again.

This all seems very positive to me, Kloe. He might just need more time in his cave to figure it all out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> MEN!

SS

Durham,
In the end though he was still disconnected and only wanted to be around for his son not the marriage. You don't want that at all.
Why wouldn't you want your son to have his father around?

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

SS - I'd love to believe that is what he meant. Of course, right now all I see is negative. I took it to mean we just needed to start planning how we are going to do this apart and more indication that he is never coming home. I promised him I would never use the baby between us so of course I will let him see the baby when ever he wants. I'll send the e-mail like you suggested and see what happens.

Durham - You have been so strong through all of this. I wish you the best and know that you will find happiness someday. Of course right now I'm sure you'd settle for a full nights sleep!

SS - Here is what I sent:

"I'd be happy to talk in person regarding this, but of course you will be able to see the baby every day if that is what you want. You will be able to see the baby as much as you want. You are going to be a terrific father and I would never deny you time with our beautiful daughter."

We'll see what he says. When I logged on to send this to him I had another e-mail from him wanting to know if I got his last response to another e-mail. I'm wondering if he has been waiting to see how I would respond..

Here is his reply, what do you think?

"Maybe we can talk this weekend. I shoud be around. We'll touch base Friday.

I knew you wanted me involved in the baby's life. I just want to talk to you in person about it. I WANT to be around as much as possible."

Kloe, it is so hard to know for sure, because I don't know you, or your H, very well at all. BUT, this all sounds very good to me.

I know it is easy to only see the negative. Honestly, it got to the point when I first began talking with my H again, for anything other than the kids/finances, that I didn't trust myself. I have a very good friend here, who went through this whole experience with me, by my side. And each time H would send me an email, before I sent my response, I sent it to her first (with H's email attached).

So many things I saw as negative or mean, SHE saw as hopeful - H was communicating with me! And so many of my responses were mean, because I didn't like what H was saying. Well, she reminded me that he was communicating with me! What I had wanted for months. So, the *edited* responses I sent reflected that.

The responses I sent were full of me telling him I heard what he was saying. Basically, I accepted how he felt at that moment in time. And as soon as I could do that, his feelings began changing back to me. Amazing.

I credit my friend with speeding up our reconciliation. I think it would have still happened, just taken longer. Try and focus on the fact that he is contacting you, spending time with you, sharing things with you. He has told you he has nothing to do, that he is still taking 6 weeks off and to me, sounding like he wants to spend that time with you and the baby.

Time is on your side. Your H sounds like a really nice guy. Sounds like he got overwhelmed with his feelings, got lost, and is trying to find his way back home.

Hang in there girlie, and keep doing what you are doing. Your response to him was wonderful, IMO. You are awesome.

SS

Well, his response sounds even better. Sounds to me like a very good excuse for him to 1)come over and spend time with you (he DOES miss you, even if he won't admit it - and if he does admit it, it is 100 times more than he lets on), and 2)find out what your position is exactly with regards to him.

If he was strictly concerned with seeing the baby, you answered his question. IMO, if his head was not into you, he would have accepted your earlier response that he could see the baby whenever, and moved on with his day. HOWEVER, seems he is probing for more.

I think you should continue doing what you are doing. Stay low key, calm, SAFE. I used to think at first my H was like a wild animal, he could be scared off easily. No loud talking, no fast movements! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do lots of listening this weekend. If he's talking relationship, listen. Don't bring it up. Try and be a safe place for him to talk. Some of the stuff he has to say may hurt your feelings. Try your best to just tell him you hear him. Maybe even try and understand his point of view. You might be the one reaching out to him with love and understanding - that is just how it goes in the beginning. IF this is your beginning.

The thing about this is that you never know if it will happen until it does! It seems impossible, then it happens. The darnedest thing!

YOU have already done what I still consider the hardest thing I did during my ordeal of the A and the separation - detaching from my H, pulling myself up, and preparing myself for a life without H. After that, you can do anything.

SS

I replied to WH's e-mail this morning and told him that was fine that we could talk this weekend. I also told him I would call or e-mail him tomorrow after my monthly check up for the baby just to let him know how things are going. He replied back and asked me to call him on his cell phone after my appointment. I hope that's a good sign that he wants to talk to me instead of just an e-mail.

Again, Kloe, I think it is a good sign. When my H started calling me, rather than using email, regularly, was when he began to reach out to me. Of course, I didn't realize it until hindsight - and that is the perspective I am sharing with you.

Keep on keeping on!

SS

I called WH's cell phone when I got back to the office yesterday but he didn't answer. I forgot we changed phone companies and our main number that would have come up on his cell phone changed so he wouldn't have recognized the number. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday but that was o-k. I had an e-mail from him this morning asking about the doctor's appointment and stating that he was off today and would come to the house at lunch to take care of the dogs. I told him I left him a message on his cell phone about the dr's appoint and also told him our office was closing at 2 pm today so I would be home early. He replied that he had a ton of messages on his cell phone and hadn't listened to any of them but he would still come by today. He wants to see the animals (at least that was his excuse!). We'll see, I'm going to have dinner with my SIL for her birthday in a few hours.

Kloe, you are doing so well. YOu are not REacting to his every move. I truly believe you have reversed your roles with him. The Kloe train is pulling out! He's going to have to run after and catch up. And you are still going just slow enough to let him!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That's my girl. Keep doing what you are doing. Let him know you are available, he is welcome, he is loved, the door is open, but you are moving forward with YOUR life.

And, to be honest, he would have to be a FOOL to not be trying to figure out HOW to get on board. And he will. He just needs a bit longer in his "cave" to think it all through. He is coming out a lot more, though, isn't he?!? I bet his thoughts, and the ones my H was having near the end of our separation, are so similar. I betcha.

I hope we get the chance to compare notes soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

Kloe,

Well you can always add that he is welcomed to visit the baby but since the mother w/b around and he seems to have a hard time acting like an H, that he at least respect you.

1. No OW or OW smells/stenches around you and baby.
2. This includes phone calls, visits or anything else from OW.

If he acts shocked like 'how could you even think that'.... just kindly respond, you are covering your bases since you have heard that is what some WS have done. Then share these are not the crimminal type but formerly very loving and kind people that have morphed into stupid WS'.

Really, prepare a similar speech and use it as needed.

You still need to define your boundaries. I know it is hard with the baby coming and all but you can do it.

If he babbles he can't do that, then do not make accomodations for his inability. Just let him know if he can't do that then he can't.....he will have to forfeit some family time but that is his choice. As a 'loving parent' you can not subject such a young child to an unknown force of weirdness. Remember that a baby takes in a lot of impressions at a very very young age.

Read the book called Boundaries by: Anne Katherine M.A. It reveals some interesting points about children who were abused at various levels and how it impacted their adult lives.

I am not saying your H is a monster.....yet. He can change in a second so be prepared. Don't tip your hand by showing or trying to teach him anything. Just define your boundaries and stand your ground.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid - Thanks for the input. I don't think he is still seeing OW but don't know for 100% sure. I am in contact with quite a few members of his family and they don't think so either. But WH and OW do work together; however, his boss knows about the A and knows I'm PG and would not support it. Plus I've know her for 9 years, I knew her before I knew WH. When he was here earlier today he handed me his blackberry to read an e-mail and it accidently went back to the list of all e-mails and he didn't seem concerned so I assume there were none from her there. He hasn't gotten any phone calls that he acts wierd about or doesn't answer while we are together either. But if I do get ANY indication that he is with OW, he will definately get the speech you suggested.

SS - He stopped by a little after four and just hung out. At 5:30 I had to leave to go to dinner so I left him at the house to hang out with the animals. He said he would be back on Sunday. We'll see what he wants to talk about. Worst case scenario he says he wants a divorce and best case he wants to come home. So as the saying goes, I'll prepare for the worst and hope for the best (or at least something in between). As always, thanks for all your support and kind words. Have a great long weekend! I for one will be sleeping in for the next three days.

Well WH is here. He came over about 3 hours ago. We talked (no R talk) a little bit, then he went out and cut the yard, when he came back in I made lunch. We then watched TV about the hurricane, I have relatives in Melbourne. He has since fallen asleep on the couch. He told me earlier this week he wanted to talk today but so far he hasn't brought up any serious conversations. I don't know if I should?

Kloe -

Just wondering,

Have you told WH how much you love him and want the two of you to get back together?

Have you asked him if he is still involved with OW.

How long have you been in Plan A, and would you be willing to go to Plan B, to knock him into his senses?

He really has lost nothing by seeing you so much, and they say Plan A can hurt if used for too long.

I realise that you are pregnant and need his help right now, with things.

Just trying to figure out if something else might work in your case since he seems to be the same as he was when I first started reading your threads.

Weaver

Weaver - I haven't told him how I felt in months, everyone says not to bring up R talk unless the WS brings it up. And WH hasn't brought it up in months, although he has started to change his behavior in the last few weeks, i.e. giving me gifts, coming over more, doing stuff for the house. He even slipped in an e-mail and instead of saying he would stop by "the house" he said "home".

I really don't think he is still seeing OW and isn't Plan B meant to end the A and if there isn't an on going A is that the best choice? If he were openly seeing OW in front of me, I don't think I would have a choice but to go to Plan B. But since that isn't the case, I'm not sure I could do it.

I don't know if what I am doing is right or the best choice and would love to hear from other people.

Okay, wasn't sure where he was with OW, or if he knew what you wanted, in saving the marriage.

Yes I hope to hear from more people on this too. I hate to see you going through this for so long, I can imagine that living in limbo is getting really hard for you.

But Plan A can only go on for so long, before he gets too used to it.

I think Plan B is meant to shock them into action, and to protect your love for him, and to keep you from any pain.

Not to be too personal, but have you been filling his (and your) SF needs? Any talk of love or emotions what so ever from him?

Nope, no SF or talk of love, not even a hug in months. Living in limbo is hard some days but not so bad other days. I have kept busy and do my own thing. Part of my hesitation for bringing up any R talk is at least now I have hope and that keeps me going. If I bring it up and he isn't ready and tells me he doesn't want to be M then I have nothing. He is the one who wanted to come over and talk today but so far nothing.