I am a new poster to this MB forum, and I have started several threads in the past two weeks. Some of you have responded to my questions, and for that I am appreciative. Being new to the MB forum has been an eye opening experience for me and is helping me with my situation.

My H left me and my teenage daughters for the second time this year. The first time was February and he was gone for 3 weeks and came back. When H decided to leave this time, he explained to our daughters that he tried to give this marriage one last chance and it did not work, so he declared that he would never put the girls through this again - so I am assuming he means that he is not ever coming back - (I am praying that he comes back as I do want my marriage to be saved).

After 17 years of marriage, he left for the second time this year. I suspect that he is having an A, but I do not have any evidence other than the fact that he has decided to leave. He says that he cannot take our arguing and feels like we keep going back to step one. I feel as though he elevates everything I say and do to another level of intolerance, and makes excuses to leave the house.

I have taken the position that if he wants to move out and do whatever it is he wants to do, that I cannot put my life on hold until he decides about our marriage. I am working on myself during this separation - well into Plan A and I am also being very nice and supportive to him.

My question is why does he sound so angry, sad and disgusted when he talks to me?

Each time we talk I sound very upbeat, happy and sincere. Is he resenting the fact that I am trying to be happy given the circumstances?

I am really hurting inside, but I don't want to show him as he may not want to reconcile if he thinks I am this poor, pathetic, dependent person.

Should I try to be less nice and not give him the impression that I am just so happy?

Can too much of being nice have a boomerang effect?

Will he think everything is okay and that I am happier without him in the house and try to make this separation permament?

My desire is to have my H is my life, by my side and grow old together. I am willing to fight for that, but I want to play my cards right during this separation period.

Any and all advice appreciated!!!

Newlifer...sounds like guilt to me. Just keep on Plan Aing him.

How about hiring a private detective. Exposure of the affair will help end it. Either way you'll be able to know in which direction to go.

To justify his actions, he's probably made you out to be something that you're not. Maybe your positive attitude is just proving his justification wrong.

The funny (well not really funny) thing is they often claim they're leaving because of the arguing but if you think back, maybe it was he that started the arguments.

Read up on the principals of Plan A. Work on yourself and be yourself. Don't try to play into his games.

The leaving and soon coming home happened to me too. I think once he got out there it wasn't so lovely. His xow got tired of his going back and forth and eventually wrote me a letter (unsigned of course) about the affair.

Buy the book Surviving An Affair. This site will greatly help you.

Yup, it's definately guilt. If you were mean and nasty to him then it would help him to justify his actions. However, since you are not being that way then he only has himself to blame. Keep doing what you are doing!

ditto ditto

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newlife1:
<strong>My question is why does he sound so angry, sad and disgusted when he talks to me?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you're doing a good job in Plan A.

Keep it up.

The more confident and sure of your marriage commitment, the more angry he will get. Good.

Do not waver from your commitment.

Keep posting and asking questions.

It's likely he's engaged in an affair - but not certain.

Either way - Plan A is the right course for you.

Now, what have you identified in your Plan A about YOUR contribution to the poor state of the marriage that may have contributed to fertile ground for an affair? How have you fixed this? How have you demonstrated your fixes to your H??

If I were you - and I was - I'd treat him even kinder and sound even happier.

He's wondering why you're not being as mean as he is and he's not happy inside so he's wondering why you are.

Didn't you know that you can only be happy when you are the center of his universe and that without him you can't possibly find any joy in this world? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You're happiness and kindness are contrary to the delusion that he and his emotions and actions are what makes the world go round.

Smile, hum while walking around the house, put on a dab of perfume because YOU like the way it makes you feel pretty and go for a walk. Invite him to go with you and if he wants to great - talk about the trees and the birds and how beautiful and wondrous everything around you is. If he doesn't want to go, go yourself and notice these things for yourself.

Be happy, be kind and let him wonder.

JMHO

New...listen to Faithinme...she's MB's poster child...she's got the Plan A/B thing perfected...read her posts and learn....she's an inspiration to us all...

slight threadjack and warning -

jph - Thank you for the kind words. Plan A is a lot easier for me than Plan B is though. I'm struggling with plan B right now - actually failing it!!

newlife1 - Since plan A is affecting your H, study it, learn it, live it and when you can, have fun with it. If you can get away without having to go to a Plan B you won't regret a moment of the frustration plan a can bring you. Actually, even if you DO have to go to Plan B, you won't regret it!

Wow! Thank you all for the encouragement and great advice. I could not get to my computer for a few hours as my H came by the house to pick up more of his things.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE - My H came by the house and told me he wanted a Divorce. What should I do now? Should I continue in Plan A?

It hurts for me to hear him say that he just wants to cut all ties to me. And get this, he actually said he wanted to date me after the divorce so we can learn to be friends and start over fresh. He says there is nothing in the rule book that says we can't remarry after a few years.

I do not understand this logic. Why would I want to date my H after the divorce?

He was shocked when I told him that I could not and would try to argue with him about his decision to divorce me. He said he knew I would react this way, as if I was the one wanting the divorce and just never said it. (how could he!!)

I told him that I prefer that our marriage work, but that if he was determined to be divorced, then there was not much I could do - it is his decision not mine.

He could not understand how I could give him a hug and say again that I prefer our marriage work and that I would be here for him - he was shocked.

Of course, inside I was dying and wanted to just scream, but I did not. I maintained my composure and walked out the door. He stayed and got more of his things and talked with our daughters.

I am lost and not knowing what to do at this point. I am an attorney, but I do not practice right now and never practiced domestic law.

He actually asked me to draft the divorce papers so that there are no other attorneys involved. I told him absolutely NOT, that I was not going to be a participant in this divorce process. I told him to let me know when he got the papers together on his end, and I would hire my attorney to respond.

Can you believe him? Is this typical "fog talk" or what? My H is very stubborn and when he makes up his mind to do something - he does it.

Is there hope for my marriage?

Please advice/comment??????

Oh, yeah - There's plenty of hope.

My husband came home for 6 days on vacation after being deployed for 10 months and filed for divorce.

I didn't see him for another month and he came home and I went to PLAN A. I've just hit PLAN B, but I tell you, the difference that PLAN A can make even to a man who is talking divorce is HUGE.

When he came home for that week in love with a 22 year old fellow deployed soldier and filed for divorce I thought it was DONE. Right now, he's on the fence but trying like crazy to find a way to keep from losing me while still playing with OW. Even that is a HUGE change from his original, "No chance, don't love you, never really did, can't be happy with you, blah blah blah."

I would do PLAN A and do it with gusto! He hasn't filed yet, that's a plus. Even if he does, he is full of FOG talk.

My husband suggested that we would probably get back together someday in the future. Yours wants to date after the divorce. Hmmmm. Doesn't sound much like they know what they want, does it. He's going to try and turn everything around on you. Stick to your guns. He has no idea what he wants right now. It's a perfect opportunity for you to SHOW him what he can have.

Don't participate in the divorce. Tell him you want your marriage more than anything else. When he says he doesn't want to be married anymore, tell him you don't want this marriage either. You want the marriage you know is waiting for you.

As for the stubborness, this was a big worry for me too. But that is the husband you know. The non affair husband. The unfoggy husband. That is not the man you are dealing with. A man who will stick to his stubborness doesn't talk about dating and remarrying you and doesn't ask the woman he is trying to divorce to prepare the paperwork herself.

That's just too funny. Do you get to designate all the terms of the divorce too?

Plan A him!! That's my advice.

Faith in Me - Thanks for the advice.

I guess these WH's are so confused that we can get caught up in their deception and not even realize it.

I will continue to implement Plan A with a fury. I think that is the only way I can keep my sanity and have some hope for the future of my "New" marriage. Thanks for the inspiration.

It is just so difficult to see him go through the motions when I know he is confused and in the fog. His suggestion for the divorce papers that he wanted me to prepare was that we come to an agreement about the expenses and assets together, and again I said - No Way!

He has not filed and I think he will not for awhile as he has no money to do so - however, he has devious wealthy friends who do not really care for me and would probably assist with financing a divorce - how sad, but true.

But I am going to be encourage and continue to let him see what he is missing by choosing to walk out of our lives again.

Thanks!

NewLife, WH said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he explained to our daughters that he tried to give this marriage one last chance and it did not work, so he declared that he would never put the girls through this again - </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So he's doing this for the children?

Keep doing the right thing, regardless of how he treats you or reacts. Being nice and pleasant is the right thing.

New...
What he said... "we'll date after the divorce?"

What he meant... "I've met this woman and I want to date her..oh she's not someone I would be proud to call my wife or that I would trust...after all she's dated a married man!...so I'm going to keep you around until after I'm through with my "fun" because I know you're the honorable person...the guilt is eating me alive and we can't be seen in public...she's putting alot of pressure on me to take her places and get rid of the wife...I can't decide because I've fallen for her empty flattery and don't have the sense God gave a goose at this moment...she's taken me back to my single days and now that I've had my mid-life crisis slap me square in the face, I want to relive that which has left me...Right now I think it will be so much fun but give me some time and I'll wake up...just be there when I do..."

I still think you should hire that PI and being a lawyer, I know you know the good ones. Expose the nasty thing and the light will kill it. He doesn't want his daughters to know. That's why he's explaining it to them. Exposure will eventually kill it...

New...
What he said... "we'll date after the divorce?"

What he meant... "I've met this woman and I want to date her..oh she's not someone I would be proud to call my wife or that I would trust...after all she's dated a married man!...so I'm going to keep you around until after I'm through with my "fun" because I know you're the honorable person...the guilt is eating me alive and we can't be seen in public...she's putting alot of pressure on me to take her places and get rid of the wife...I can't decide because I've fallen for her empty flattery and don't have the sense God gave a goose at this moment...she's taken me back to my single days and now that I've had my mid-life crisis slap me square in the face, I want to relive that which has left me...Right now I think it will be so much fun but give me some time and I'll wake up...just be there when I do..."

I still think you should hire that PI and being a lawyer, I know you know the good ones. Expose the nasty thing and the light will kill it. He doesn't want his daughters to know. That's why he's explaining it to them. Exposure will eventually kill it...

New...
What he said... "we'll date after the divorce?"

What he meant... "I've met this woman and I want to date her..oh she's not someone I would be proud to call my wife or that I would trust...after all she's dated a married man!...so I'm going to keep you around until after I'm through with my "fun" because I know you're the honorable person...the guilt is eating me alive and we can't be seen in public...she's putting alot of pressure on me to take her places and get rid of the wife...I can't decide because I've fallen for her empty flattery and don't have the sense God gave a goose at this moment...she's taken me back to my single days and now that I've had my mid-life crisis slap me square in the face, I want to relive that which has left me...Right now I think it will be so much fun but give me some time and I'll wake up...just be there when I do..."

I still think you should hire that PI and being a lawyer, I know you know the good ones. Expose the nasty thing and the light will kill it. He doesn't want his daughters to know. That's why he's explaining it to them. Exposure will eventually kill it...

MB is acting screwy today...sorry about the triple post...