my H had an affair over 5 yrs. ago.
when i found out 3yrs. ago, it was because she called him and i picked up cause i was late for work. apparently they have been talking for a yr. at that time daily, every single day almost every hour of the day, sometimes evening when he claim he's out for a game. i found this out from saved cell phone bills.
well, now it's been 5 yrs. i don't know where i stand.
i hope i'm making some sense.
they both lied to me. betrayed me. so many things.
i moved out a few months ago. now back living with him.
my problem is, are they just friends or more?
how can he hurt me so much?
has he really change or is it mind games all over again?
there's so much i want to type here and tell my story, but i don't know where to begin.

it's always been the other girl(married too) says my husband calls her to talk about our drama. but she's the one calling HIM. they share an email account. they go out to lunch, dinner, clubbing, maybe even more... she claims her husband know about all this and allows her to go out with my husband. She claims she doesn't know about the pain they cause me and that she's not the problem. the problem is me.

i moved out and he came showing up 2 weeks later. i moved back in with him.

i will right more later.
my question is, how do i get rid of her once and for all cause i know my husband loves me or does he love me?

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: soverylost1234 ]</small>

I would bet 90% that they are still engaged in an affair, and an emotional affair at the very LEAST!! Aside from that, it was extremely disrespectful for your husband to continue this type of relationship.

Do you really think her husband knows? Why not call him and find out? Do it at a time when you know she won't be there. This is a must..you really must do this.

And so what if he's okay with it? You're not!! Your marriage isn't!! You're not crazy for being insecure about this!

Are you privy to this shared email acct? I would insist to your husband that you be permitted to view it and don't let any time pass between you asking and you seeing. Better yet..find out the password by whatever means necessary and look on the sly.

the only way to get rid of her is for HIM to get rid of her. You can't do it, but you can certainly insist upon it.

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I know that it hurts. You'll learn boundaries here, which are so hard to set but will be SO good for you in the end. Is there hope for you? Most certainly..there is almost always hope..but it's not easy and not guaranteed.

How long of you been married? Any kids?

I have two children 4 and 2 yr. old.

I have talk to her husband before. over 2 yrs. ago. time and time again, he said he know the stuff i mention to him. but i never talk to him alone. she's always there screaming and yelling in the background.

I haven't talk to both (her and her husband) of them for over 2yrs. cause it gets no where. her husband doesn't understand.

yes, i understand that opposites can be friends. but how can they be friends when she is not friends with me. how can they expect me to be okay when almost everything they do, i know nothing about?

whatever it is, the reason why i know he loves me is because he comes home to me after hanging out with her. even when i moved out. he shows up in the middle of the night explaining himself but leaves the part where he was hanging out with her. how do i know he was around her. my gf's spot them all the time.

right now, he doesn't have mood swings when he chats with here online. i'm still piss that she has his password and i don't.

as for email account password, i had it before and they were talking about meeting for lunch and other vacation plans alone with her. that's when i gave up and plan my life with my children. but then i moved out and moved back in cause he was a husband to me for once. when i moved back in, he got very mad and didn't talk to me and told me to move out again. but after 3 times of telling me to move out and i didn't. now it's been 5 weeks i think. he's so much better to me. we hang out like we are married and he is alittle more considerate. but there's still her chatting with her online.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You should start in Plan A. Read all about it on the link in my sig. line.

You need to contact the other womans husband right away. The story of him being okay with this is an old trick of cheaters. They all say the same thing.

Stick with us, and keep posting. We will help you.

I came to this site before over a year ago. I didn't post but read the basic concepts and all the other articals over and over. Then I stopped, cause I feel no matter what I tired they both were playing mind games with me.

I try to read the postings by others in these forums, but there are sooo many and everyones entries are sooo very long.

I'm seeing a counselor, but it's not helping me because we need counseling, not just me. cause my H doesn't know how much he's hurting me and how i feel. He can't see it through the pain through my eyes.

the counselor said from what i'm telling him and what i've been through, i don't need conselling, it's him that needs it and that's why he tells me to go get counselling.

I used to blame myself but i'm over that.
I used to love him more than my kids, but i learn to love my kids more than anything.
I used to think i'm the problem, but I know i'm not.

soverylost, the reason your H doesn't end the affair is because he doesn't have to. He has never had to make a choice between you and her. What man in his right mind wouldn't give up a harem??

My point is that you must put down boundaries for yourself and ask him to end contact once and for all. Before you do this, try to end the affair by exposing it to her H, her family, his family, your friends, their workplace, every key person you can think of. This will make the affair very difficult and very embarrassing.

If that doesn't stop the affair, you will have to go to Plan B, which means seperating from him. BUT...you should never ever leave your home over an affair. He should be the one to move, not you, not your children.

So, make up a list of key people to expose to and start calling them today. Tell them your marriage is in trouble and you need their support. Every time the OW calls your H, you need to call her H. Call him first today.

p.s. you know what? On second thought, if her H doesn't care, maybe he would care if he knew exactly what they were talking about? I suspect the affair is physical but he doesn't believe that because he is deluded into thinking it is a "friendship." If you put spyware on his computer you could see what they say and show him. You could also get his email passwords and see what she sends him. A good one is www.iopus.com, ActMon. But be sure and pay for it because the trial version will show a banner on start up.

svl1234,

Well, a welcome to you on MB!

So, you found out about the A three years ago, spoken to OW's H two years ago with no avail and you have had a 2 year old child during all this time.

It's no wonder you are going nuts! I would be too, if I were you!! svl, if you put up with all this nonsense, soon it'll become something that's expected of you.

I can imagine WH saying, yep, she knows. I am not hiding anything, she knows it's going on and she's learnt how to live with it. The fact that you are not putting your foot down to stop all this nonsense is going to damage you even more.

Pretty much everyone knows about my H and HER. the whole community knows. The thing is no one confronts him. When I moved out, he did find new friends that does not know about his behavior and started hanging out with them and her.

He won't leave me. He has said it so many times in his past, before I even thought about moving. He used to threaten me with divorce and all kinds of stuff. He never left, I did. Now i'm back, no I don't wanna move again. He's gonna have to leave. But he won't.

His mood swings started up again the last few nights. Drives me nuts when he comes home and i don't know why he's mad at me. Giving me attitude and instead of giving his attention to his kids who couldn't wait to see him home, he turns on his computer and chats with her until our kids are asleep and i am asleep.

How do I get rid of her? HELP.

I don't want to install shyware into the computer again. I saw proof of their affair from their emails and chats. I don't want to see them again because I know they are having it or at least was having the affair.

With his mood swings, i believe she in some way doing something or saying something to her to make him that way.

SVL....I'm still very new to this. I found out seven weeks ago that my wife (42) was having an affair with another man (24). I have been married for 17 yrs and found the love of my life (my wife) when I was 19. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I was on the verge of ending my existance. Now, I'm focused - I have a plan - my plan is working - although there are still no guarantees!

I told you all of this to let you know that you are not alone. I and others certainly feel your pain. In one post, you were fortunate enough to have not one but three "experienced marriage builders" respond. These and many others have helped me to understand what's going on, taught me to read/post/read/post and most of all the folks here have helped me get a grip on what's happening.

I'm sorry you are going through this and the pain is something I will never forget. However, I can move on and work on a better marriage and a better family and a better me. Keep posting and learning and most of all remember there are those who have been there and they are now here helping others like you and me.......

God Bless........LS

Thanks for all your response. It does help. I'm going through many posts. I see that some went through or is going through what I did. Some mistakes I made when I moved out. I shouldn't have moved back in!!!

All that time he came over and splilled his guts to me was because he just hung out with her and HE felt guilty. Why when i left the house, it was over for me. but just 2 wks later in came knocking and ARGH! now that i'm back in, I see that all those 3 months of me out of the house and him coming over was the samething he did when i was living with him! everything all over again. sorry, just venting.

Dear SVL,
No wonder you need to vent ! What you are putting up with makes no sense in our culture, no sense at all ! We marry and are supposed to remain monogamous. He is behaving like so many men try to do. In some cultures it is tolerated by wives, but not generally in ours. This is not acceptable to you, (it sure wouldn't be to me either) and you have not convinved him yet that he can't "have his cake an eat it too". As Ruffled has suggested, soon (if not already) it will become the expected of you.
The fact that he has stated that he will never leave you, makes this situation rather like what so many men try to achieve....A wife and family and a woman on the side, a mistress. He doesn't even try to hide his contact... he's incredibly bold and insensitive.
You will now be challenged to make some difficult decisions. You are going to have to set those boundaries out very clearly. What you will tolerate and what you will NOT tolerate....and stick to it. If you don't he will continue on his merry way and nothing will change. Once you have made your position clear and implemented Plan A or maybe even Plan B (since you are well into this problem) you do run the risk, as I'm sure you know, that he will chose away from you, BUT this is the less likely scenario. Will he like having to give up his mistress, probably not. Alternately, YOU are NOT O.K. with him having one!
He's married to you. He has kids with you, a home with you, a lifestyle with you, friends and family with you. He stands to lose an awful lot if he wants to keep his mistress and let you go.
The difficulty with situations like this is there can't be half measures. Affairs are like addictions in some ways and it has to be totally stopped. All association, phone calls, E-mails,etc., everything. Total non contact! Anything less is a sham, a disgrace and a manipulation of you !
You can be prepared for him fussing and storming and behaving badly when you finally put you foot down(he may not be used to it), but if you don't, your situation will never change. Decide what you want, what you can live with (or not), and just do it. At the end of the road, God willing, you will probably save your marriage and your homelife. Don't expect it to be easy, because it will require a "fight", but when the chips are down, do you really have a choice ?
Wishing every success ! WA

Monday he said he was gonna take my son "somewhere." meaning he has something to hide. end up he's taking my son to see her and her family and friends. how do i know. cause he wouldn't let me come along. he got so mad that he told me if it makes me feel any better he won't go and told me to leave and never come back. i told him he can go, i'm not gonna stop him but leave my son at home. that i will not leave. i asked him how does he expect me to understand their relationship as friends if he doesn't want me to go along. he said, you won't like them, i know you don't. i said you are not even giving me a chance. then he comes to me and wants a kiss from me. i looked at him thinking he must be joking... i forgot what i said to him but i remember his remarks were "you don't think i'm still sleeping with her do you, i don't even talk to her that much anymore." i said "no! but you see her and everyone else see you guys at clubs, etc." he said "i only saw her once in a club in ... that was it, she just happen to show up." i said "whatever, it's just not that one city." he didn't say anything. I told him to leave and leave my son. i demand him to leave, he didn't. he comes to me holds me like there's no tomorrow and told me that he planned a bbq with some of his friends. i said go ahead and go. i packed my son's bottles and got him dress up for him to leave.

the only reason why he has those guy friends is because of her. she's gonna be there.

around 3pm i called and asked him are they leaving yet. he said no. so i text him a few things. "she said she feels sorry for you cause you got no friends. that your old, fat and ugly." i texted again and said "why do you let her and her friends s***t me around." he text me back with "stop it ok!" i replied with "okay, still i can't understand."

i thought he was gonna come home and storm at me as in the pass before i moved out. he didn't. instead he was very nice to me the whole night. wanted me near him. but i refuse cause i wanted to finish cleaning up the house.

we argue that day. many things i didn't get to talk about because things came out of anger. why couldn't he go alone? why did he have to take my son and show him off. that's what he did. at least that's how i felt.

Is there something still going on with him and her? how can i believe him when just last week I saw them chatting online. I don't want to assume, but they did have a history together and on sunday, he was still trying to hide by telling me he's going somewhere, where as he could just say, i'm gonna hang out with my friends and have a bbq. what's so hard about that? i should've asked him. but i already had the answer, cause she was gonna be there.

i can't sit and talk to him cause he's not that type especially about her. lately he has been more open about her. over two weeks ago, he asked me something she wanted to know. this time even though it's out of anger, we talked about her.

maybe you guys are right. because i'm taking it. but i'm not okay with it. i dont' know what i'm saying... just venting.

Dear SVL,
You seem very frustrated. Understandably so !! Your WS seems determined to continue contact...is that right ? If so, you have some difficult choices. In may be time to move to
Plan B, where there is still love between you. If you wait too long to do this you will be so emotionally bankrupt that you won't care about the relationship anymore. That's bad news if you really hope for something better.
When you decide that you will NOT tolerate this anymore, you will have to behave accordingly, or he won't take you seriously.... hence Plan B. There doesn't seem to be any easy way to do this, your WS has put you in a corner. The next move is yours ! Keep your head about you. Good luck ! WA

I will have to decide what to do next. again. I'm thinking i'll stick here and do what he wants me to for the kids sake. I'm starting to think it's not a good price to pay anymore. again.

Love. My love will always be there. It just never be the same ever again. It isn't. I don't feel that unconditional love i used to have for him. It's been almost a year that I gave up on loving him unconditionally.

I think i moved back so the kids could be closer to their father. And i told myself that i will go through anything for that.

Dear SVL,
The choice is , of course yours, but I don't think you will be able to endure this situation indefinitely, let alone be happy with it.
Moving back "for the sake of the children" may only be partly true ! Are you being as honest with yourself as you can be ? It's so sad how our
self esteem can wear away to nothing, and the choices that we make from that place are seldom good or good for us, or for that matter for others i.e. the children.
In reference to you and your perfectly reasonable desire for a monogamous, loving relationship...... do you really believe it will happen under the present circumstances ? Affairs don't usually last all that long, and he may well drop it some time in the not too distant future, BUT the pattern will have been established and he will likely go that way again and again. This will then become a "way of life" for you and him.
Are you prepared for that strong possibility ?
Even if he doesn't sleep with every woman he goes out with, you will never know for sure, never feel uncompromised every time he leaves the house.
In reference to your children, I'm not sure how old they are, but it won't take them long to figure this out, and althoughh they may still love their father, they will likely not respect him. And for that matter, you will likely suffer from the same disrespect for having tolerated it. Nobody has a crystal ball, SVL, and no one can tell you for sure how this will all play out, but these are some very real possibilities.
If you are at a point where you are prepared to accept only crumbs ........sadly, that is likely all that you will ever receive.
Hurting with you. WA

My children are 4 and 2.
We've been married for 6 yrs. on labor day.
He had this relationship with her within the 1st. yr. of our marriage. They broke it off for alittle bit. She got married in that same yr. and had a child 6 months younger than my daughter.

I'm sure moving back for the sake of our children is my only reason. I stuck through all his crap for over 5yrs. Right now, I feel much more of his roommate then his wife because we sleep in separate rooms most of the time and i haven't gave myself to him. i feel better about myself.

You are right. I will never know and will feel insecure when he's out of the house. Honesty, I do feel that way just alittle bit not so much as when I first found out about his affair. where i cried, begged and cried for him not to go out. I guess right now I don't really care much anymore. I'm learning to put my kids needs and myself needs first. I don't have much time to wonder what he does or if he or will he... when i do, i remind myself that its not all that bad cause i'm here for the kids.

the way of life... it is already. i don't know what is normal until the day I took off my ring a year ago. I see the way my friends husband treat them, with such repect, love and consideration.

till this day, i can not tell when he's lying. only rare that i can, when i know the truth, that's when i know its a lie.

i don't know what i'm doing on this board posting. i'm only venting. i'm so sorry.

i'm living here not wanting to build our marriage. i'm just here. i'm honest. i'm going with his flow. yeah, excepting his behavior. what is not fine with me is the way he treat our children.

i've have some thoughts where i should possibly move out within 2 yrs. if i can handle this life that long, if not earlier. I know I can do it alone with my kids, cause I've felt being a single mom through out parenthood and when i moved out, it wasn't so much of a change for me.

Dear SVL,
Glad to hear back from you ! I wonder why "wait for two years" ? Earlier you said you were there FOR the children and now you mentioned that you're not really happy with the way he treats the children. I can gather that you are not at all happy, so I'm wondering what you are waiting for ? Thinking of you. WA

Right I am not happy the way he treats the kids. He's barely home and when he is, most of the time he ignores them. BUT the kids get to see him more as if I move out, the kids won't see much at all.