my ws and I went to marriage counseling. WS has been having an affair for over a year. we go to the marriage counselor, and they litterally dump the whole thing in my lap and I quote "it's up to you because you are the Man and the head of the house, to make changes" I don't know if it's me or what, but i'm really tired of everything being placed on the man when something goes wrong in marriage by church counselors. It's always dumped into the lap of the man because he is the "Head" of the household. I can see why so many men just say forget it. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I have been to TWO Christian marriage counselors and they said nothing even close to that. In fact, the last one used Marriage Builders and sent me here. The Christian counselors were, bar none, heads above any other counselor I ever went to in terms of effectiveness.

my experience was contrary. mine said that "you're the head and it's up to you" I believe that marriage should be a joint effort.
but i'm finding that alot of "churches" place unecessary responsibility on the "Man" of the house as responsible, accountable for everything.

I don't know if I can help or not, but my I C said some pretty off the wall stuff to me. Something like...accept it or leave. He started talking about famous people traveling all over and being with op all the time, but comming home to thier family. Well, I don't feel it's acceptable and maybe that's why a ton of famous people are divorced. how many people can live like that?
You are the head of the household but does that give your W the right to be acting like a selfish person. That you should be the one dealing and fixing all the problems? maybe a new MC could shed more light.

Half of all counselors out there - whether in a cult or some other organized religion or secular - are below average. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't think the religious ones have a corner on the market either way - being good or bad.

But, you'd not likely hear the crapola you heard from a "non-aligned" counselor. On the other hand, you could hear worse.

Bottom line for you - dump that counselor. But maybe not before asking a fun question: "So, I'm just supposed to demand that my wife do what I want her to do?"

Informant,

I think those church counsellors most likely used their own personal opinions and not the scriptures.

Even though the religion says that the man is the head of the house, other values in husband-wife/family relationships from the bible should also be quoted or used to guide you in rebuilding your marriage. There are many verses that quotes the values a good woman should bring to the marriage. It is wrong to put the burden on the man alone!

Also, both your wife and yourself should be of the same faith before all works out! Nothing would help your marriage if both you and your wife subscribes to different values.

All the best and don't give up,
Ruffled

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>

The Informant - I highly suspect that whatever "church counselor" you went to has had little, if any, formal training in marital counseling. As a Betrayed Spouse myself, I can fully understand your reaction to the misapplication of a biblical truth.

You ARE the "spiritual head of your household" by the role assigned to you by God. But you are NOT the "sovereign lord" of your marriage, God is. You and your wife are "one flesh". You are "completers" of each other, each performing the "roles" assigned by God out of love for each other and a humble obedience to God's commands. You stand "side by side", equal in the marriage and equally responsible for obedience to God's commands. You each perform your "roles" out of love for each other and in obedience to the sovereign Lord.

From what you said about the "counselors" statement to you, it would seem that while they might be "well-meaning", they lack the requisite knowledge to function as a counselor.

I would strongly suggest that you find a counselor who is trained in biblical marriage counseling. If you'd like some help with that, I will provide a link to the the National Association of Nouthetic (biblical) Counselors. You can log onto their website and do a search for trained counselors in your area. In many cases that counseling is provided at no cost, but it is restricted to believers because the fundamental basis for the counseling is for BOTH of you to be obedient to God's commands whether or not you happen to "feel like it" at the moment.

My wife and I used this service and I can give you my personal testimony that God worked a miracle in our marriage through these servants of His. You likely don't know my story, but for now trust me on this one, as our marriage was essentially over at the point where God directed our counselor to us.

The National Association of Nouthetic Counselors


God bless.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Ruffled,

It doesn't matter whether one is Jewish, Christian, or Muslum; the rules of marriage and infidelity are the same. There are no different values in that regard.

Oooops RAG,

Thanks for pointing that out-- I didn't mean to say that different religions have different values towards marriage and infidelity.

I mean to say, it would be difficult if both spouses have different values towards marriage.

It's noisy where I am, I can hardly think! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

double post again!

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>

I believe that the bible says "the two shall become one" and that there is a headship out of respect, but to place the whole family responsibility upon the male from finances to marriage to family, etc. is not right, nor of God.
However I do find this doctrine more and more in most charasmatic churches. It's a shame because it places everything on the man and in doing so i can see why some men can't take the pressures of marriage, family, etc.

TI: Please read the links under point #2 in my signature line link. Unfortunately, bad marriage couselors are the norm, whatever their religious orientation.

However, any qualified counselor will tell you that you can only change yourself. He or she will tell your wife the same thing: she can only change herself.

Interestingly enough, God told me the same thing. When I was unhappy with my wife's behavior, I tried everything I could and then prayed that God change HER. His reply was "I want you to..."

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Proverbs 31:10-31 is about the capable wife.

My Christian marriage counselor is on his 3rd marriage. LOL. That's a good one eh? It's true.

Thanks for the information i'm going to check out the links. I believe that alot of church based pastoral people think that because they pastor that they can counsel, i don't believe that this is true. i believe that they lack the secular experience to give counsel from a bipartisan perspective. and considering that 85% of the churches are women and that would possibly affect the church membership i believe that there would be a biased opinion when it came to counseling, along with misinterpretation of scriputure.

Sure the man is to be the head of the home-not dictator of the home! So many get that so confused. Corporations don't have two CEO's...they have one. The government doesn't have two Presidents-they have one. Competent CEO's and Presidents don't make decisions arbitratarily, they take in consideration the qualifications and opinions of those in their leadership. Same principle with marriage. Somebody has the be the bottom line.

Being a Christian myself, I get sad when I see some people who don't understand the concept promote a falacy or stand in judgement of the mis-actions of a few to downgrade Chrisianity. No one would downgrade all Germans because of Hitler so no one should downgrade the teachings of Christianity because of the misinformed.