<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Good Morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have stopped saying it to WW. One of the main reasons is that I know that she will not say it back to me. This hurts a lot and I see no point in continuing to hurt MYSELF. Plus it will really have no good effect on them now as they are heavily fogged. I was given some advice by a experienced MB to cut back on the ILY's (I love you's) because "they are poision to the WS right now"). That one is in my thread.
Anyways, rest asured that he knows that you love him. If you stop saying it he might just ask you why! Wouldn't that be interesting? Be prepared for that one if you take this path. Just MHO.

C.

Dear Pem.
I agree with the above responce.

Many WW and WH say "I love you" to their spouse as they are walking out the door to secretly meet with their OP!

My parents were married for 60 years and they did not constantly say "I love you"....they just each KNEW the other did...They didn't need 'the words' for affirmation of their love for one another.

And "I love you" is JUST WORDS...actions mean so much more...a hug, an eye contact smile....could you maybe bake him some Toll-house~walnut~chocolate chip cookies? ~lol~

Once, during the first 3 months after I found out he had had an affair, he gave me a shiny rock he had found....that meant more to me than you can possibly imagine! It is in my jewelry box and is more beautiful and meaningful to me than my genuine pearl necklace!

By the way, do you know what made me stop CONSTANTLY CRYING....I looked at myself in the mirror with my face all contorted and realized I was making PERMANENT lines and wrinkles from so much crying so I WILLED myself to STOP for that reason. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It worked! (But that was after 3 months of crying every time I was alone.)

Now the world, my world, is beautiful again; the heartaches are there but on a BACK BURNER of my mind! Hang in there Sweetie, and keep doing your Plan A!
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 07:28 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

pemberley - please allow me to disagree with some of the other respondents.

YES, you continue to say, "I love you" as long as you DO love him.

He may not acknowledge it, he may not respond as you wish he would, but he needs to HEAR it. He is not, and neither are you, a mindreader.

As long as you do love him, say it to the day you die.

One of the things that all Wayward Spouse fight at some point in trying to recover a marriage is the idea of "how can you love me and how can I ever be forgiven for what I did?"

You "keep the door open" by leaving NO DOUBT that no matter what he does, or has done, you love him....period. You may "hate" the sinful actions, but you love him and will always expect the best from him.

When he fights the "mental battle" in his mind, let your Love be the one constant light that keeps shining in his "darkness."

God bless.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

darn double post

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>

pemberley,

Everyone's a little different, so I think you should do whatever feels best for you.

As for me, I stopped the ILYs long before DDay (I'm the BS). I was unhappy in the marriage. But, FWH continued ILY-ing me all throughout his two As. What do you think of that?

I don't say it unless I mean it.
And I know sometimes you just need to say it.
I said it and showed it enough during my Plan A for H to turn around. Now I am uncertain if I should 'love' someone who has so callously hurt me, so again, I don't say it!!

I guess my ILYs are just expensive-- I don't give them away easily <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whatever you choose to do, don't give the impression that you are needy. Love, R

I quit saying it when he snapped at me "I HEARD you" - definite LB on me!! One site I visited earlier gave the advice to not say it - that it made the BS seem pitiful and begging. I think in my case it did. I only say it now when he says it first (only once in 4 months, <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and I think it was a slip up on his part. I think he forgot he was talking to me and not OW. But I replied anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) If saying "I love you" reminds him everytime that he doesn't love me anymore, then I'm not going to say it. I don't want negative reminders.