I just had to tell you that last night was one of the most peaceful and pleasant evenings I've had in quite some time.

Why you might ask?

The answer- changes in my behavior. Due to our conversation, my conversation with my friend and some reading I've been doing on this site, I think you are right that in fact, the major issues in my marriage have more to do with Love Busters then the A's 8 years ago. Obviously, there are still underlying issues with the A's that hopefully time and a renewed connection wiht each other will help heal. For now, however, I think that the best approace for me will to be to continue to change myself- and to stop all LB's immediately (well, as best as I can each day!)

Thank you so much for your insight, compassion and help. I'm going to swing over to the Emotional Needs section of this site but will continue to read here as I have found the perspectives of all of the posters to be very helpful- and to give me a lot of food for thought.

I feel very hopeful today that my marriage can recover. Thank you.

Sad,

I think it was me you were posting to. I am glad all of this has helped. I would still recommend the books as they will offer you much more advice on how to handle things. It is surprisingly simple how all of this works isn't it? It really is amazing. That however doesn't mean it is easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad you are finding peace and I hope you continue to read and post here.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Sad,

I think it was me you were posting to. I am glad all of this has helped. I would still recommend the books as they will offer you much more advice on how to handle things. It is surprisingly simple how all of this works isn't it? It really is amazing. That however doesn't mean it is easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad you are finding peace and I hope you continue to read and post here.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was you! Oops! sorry about that. Thanks again.

Sad,

So what did you do differently and how did your H respond? What other conclusions have you come to with respect to all of this?

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Sad,

So what did you do differently and how did your H respond? What other conclusions have you come to with respect to all of this?

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did I do differently?

Well, I commented on how good things looked at home instead of finding fault. I bit back several sharp retorts that I would normally make to statements that *sounded* like put downs (but which after thinking about really weren't) and , shall we say, took the initiative in other matters. (blush)

In return, I had a quiet, peaceful happy evening. Yes, there was a bit of annoyance with the kids, but at their ages, that's hardly abnormal! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What other conclusions have I drawn? I'll list them:

1) He has moved on past the A's far more then I have - not to say that he is completely recovered, but that behavior which I attributed to his feelings about them apparently has stemmed from my LB'ing instead.

2) If I can control my own behavior, his behavior changes as well.

3) That I am happier with myself when keeping a tighter reign on my temper and general mouthiness.

Is that enough to have learned in 3 days ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Any further advice?

Ah! Young Grasshopper,

You are doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And for 3 days, it is very well indeed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

However, it occurs to me you have been thinking about this a lot more than 3 days. You KNEW before you came here what the issues were, you just weren't quite ready to face them. All it took was a nug from your friend (no fess up, you knew what she was going to tell you didn't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and some talking here and you were off and running.

So really you have done this all on your own. You just needed it validated that you were right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now here is a case where "strong-willed" is really good. It will take one to stay on the track you are on until the new approach to things becomes second nature. But, I think you will reap the benefits, not just as home, but at work as well.

It is the very rare person who doesn't have behaviors at home NOT bleed into behaviors at the office.

So I say congratulations and keep up the good work. Please keep coming and discussing things, I am sure more things will start bubbling up in your mind. This stuff has a rather profound affect on how you see relationships and marriages and you will gradually see more and more as you remain here.

Again, you are doing well Young Grasshopper, keep it up.

God Bless,

JL