harudah - I see you lurking. Please give us an update on what is going on.

I am still in the house with him. I have divorced him mentally, he is free to do whatever he wants right now. I am just working on myself. I no longer wants my marriage, and no longer attracted to my husband. I mean I have no more respect for him, and I am disgusted to be with such a man. I'd lie if I say I didn't still love him, but not the kind of love you share with as husband and wife, but the kind of love I have for everyone that I've met.

I am working on myself, trying to be a better person, and know I can never remained married to him. My lawyer friends are ready to file for the divorce the minute I say go. I'm ok. I cry sometimes, but its because of all the memories I've had. I am no longer commited in my marriage. I just need time for me to move on and live normally, and get back on my feet. I know things will look up for me.

Many things made me realized that. My husband has never been the man I imagined him to be. I guess I let the line between fantasy and reality got tangled up.

Yeah I've been lurking, see how everyone is doing. Funny how my husband is noticing the change in me. He quickly says "why don't you go to marriage builder?"
My reply was "I went was to built my marriage. I don't have one to built, fix or whatever."

I am saying what I never had the guts to say MONTHS ago...and I'm releived to be true to myself again.

Yikes! So now you are free to let him know how you feel. Good for you. You worked by yourself on your marriage for a long time.

Have you found a school to go to yet? If you get where you need a vacation, come to California, and be a beach bum.

We can find you someone else in about 15 minutes or so.

In spite of everything, why is it so hard to pack up? its almost 8 in the morning. He just left for work. I stayed awake. Its weird how I used to love the smell of his cologne and now.. after he spread it this morning, I pull out my perfume and covered it up. (I know this is really bad in my brain).

I am talking myself into packing up and disappearing. I do not really want to communicate with him anymore. I cannot change who he is, and who he is, I do not like. It's about right now, its been like this forever. I need a real man.

I have no customers today, so I'm kinda in a dump when I'm alone these days. I get use to working and not paying attention to my feeling and when I'm faced with them, all I want to do is forget. I am trying to force my brain to adapt to this. Happiness should come from within, and well.....whatever is happening now shouldn't get in the way of my happiness.

I am not a big fan of country music, but I do listen to some of them. Trace Adkins.. "All I can be is all I can be, but I keep on trying. There's always a mountain in front of me, but I keep, walking, and trying.."

I guess I just wanted to spill my guts a bit.