<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Pem, it would really help if you could update your profile to reflect your ages, length of M, kids, dday, etc. it facilitates the dialogue in the forums so that people don't have to keep asking the same questions.

I would qualify what I say as my opinion. However, i have done a significant amount of counseling w/SH and think i have a pretty good idea of how he might answer the issues that you have posted. however, you need to take them for what it's worth because it's still not going to be what SH says and that's why it's highly recommended that you counsel w/the harleys because they can give you immediate professional feedback specific to your situation and how it relates to the MB concepts and what you should do.

so w/that being said.

#1 i don't necesarrily agree w/the way that this was said but it seems to be in the line of expect the worse hope for the best and i totally believe in that mantra. that way you won't be too hurt or upset w/something worse comes along because you would have already expected it.

#2 i agree w/not letting yourself become consumed w/what your H does and doesn't do and not let your life stop because of what's happened. but where i disagree is about iniating contact. unless you are in plan B then you plan A and plan A does not include not talking to your spouse. it's easy for the WS in these situations to compartmentalize the situation and forget about us. i highly recommend reading my thread on my session w/steve harely which goes into detail about why intiating contact is important, ways to initiate contact, and what this might do in the long run. on the other hand if your H asks you not to contact him, then your kind of forced to not do that.

#3 50/50 agree on this. most of the time when you are in a recovery stage you cannot make demands on what you expect. every situation is different. again, i will relay what SH told me is that i should not be the one that tells my H that i will only take him back if NC, counseling, etc. what i should do is have my H talk to SH or a counselor who can go over these details and give more of an objective POV as to why these are necessary in the recovery stage. even though deep down you know yourself what you will and won't tolerate. every situation is different and some spouses are in the position (especially if plan B is initiated) that they will not even talk to the spouse unless xyz is done. as far as thinking about the a future reconciliation i think it's important to try and learn about what is needed like POJA, getting through withdrawal, negotiation in marriage, HN/HN, etc. and practice those things as much as possible. However, the recovery stage is not going to be easy and could at times be more difficult. i think of it more as i'll cross that bridge when it comes. because if i think about it too much i just become obsessed and depressed over something that may not happen.

#4 there is no room to entertain any kind of relationship as long as your married, and it is recommended that you not even date for 6 months after a divorce. i think the counselor may have been referring to if a divorce happens but it's not clear by what is posted. i believe God will let you know when it's time.

#5 this is basically plan A and i agree. always plan A when not in plan B or D.

#6 agree w/the support network and i will concentrate on becoming more involved w/church or your inlaws. however the statement you made about what your counselor said that they think your marriage is essentially over, raises a big flag for me and i would be very skeptical about continuing w/this counselor.

hope this helps, prayers to you, RR

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

ooops, double post!

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

pemberley:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said, not all the advice fit in with MB. His main theme seemed to be that I should not think about reconciliation unless H approaches me about it. He seems to basically be suggesting Plan B.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your counselor is not suggesting Plan B. It doesn't resemble Plan B at all.

In Plan B, you transition by writing your husband a letter that affirms your love for him, acknowledges your role in problems with the marriage (and highlights your efforts to fix them), articulates the pain that you feel about the current affair and how it is killing your love for him, and then asks for no contact---as a way to save your love and to provide a way for reconciliation in the future after the affair is done.

Then you do no contact. Supportive same-sex friends good. Remaining active, good. Dating---bad.

Roughroad's advice on how to handle a potential reconciliation effort is perfect.