I have been married for one year and known my husband for three years. He is a drug addict and alcoholic. I did not realize the extent of how bad his addictions really were until we were married. I knew he had a problem, but at the time we met he was seeking help and treatment for his addictions. In February of this year, he got pulled over for drunk driving(his sixth), plus he had no license. Currently he is serving time in jail and will be released shortly. He is 40 and I am 33. After some thought on this, I decided to give my marriage a chance. This is my second marriage and I truly want to work it out. However, I told my husband that under no circumstances will I stay with him if he picks up another drink or does drugs again. (crack,cocaine). I really mean it, but I am truly scared that he will go back to drugs because he has had these habits since he was 18. He really wants to get better, but I can see this is an enormous struggle for him. Also, we have had problems communicating even when he is sober. I recently started a new job only three months ago and there has been a flirtation going on between me and a coworker. He is old enough to be my grandfather and he is also married. I am really attracted to him. He is also attracted to me and wants to have an affair. He is supposed to call me today and come over. I know he wants sex. I am going to stop the visit from happening today, however I am getting caught up in the attention I get from him and the way he looks at me and makes me feel. He told me we cannot go out together for fear he will get caught, because everyone knows him. I want to resist him and I also know it will get harder to do this. I feel like my marriage will probably be a failure anyway, but that still does not make it right to do this,I think. Also, I cannot just quit my job right now, because times are tight financially due to my husband being incarcerated. Someone give me advice please.

Tanya:

First of all, welcome 2 marriagebuilders. If you're really looking for help, this is one of the best places you can find it.

I would urge you, very strongly, 2 read all the articles on the home page, particularly those about dealing with alchoholic spouses and about infidelity. Much of what you need 2 do for YOU will be clear when you read the background material.

I'm sure yoou realize you can't change your husband, or make him go on the wagon. He has 2 want 2 himself. The Harleys, owners of this website and developers of the marriage builders programs, won't even try 2 heal a marriage when alchoholism is involved. You've got a lot 2 deal with there, even without the infidelity.

As for "grandpa", you should cease ALL contact with him immediately and inform his wife of his behavior (I doubt very much that you're his first "conquest"). This man is a predator, plain and simple. I'm saddened that you feel that "giving yourself" 2 this man, under HIS obviously fear-of-being-caught restrictions is somehow appealing. He does not respect you. Your just a walking, talking receptacle for his physical pleasures.

You're better than that. I know you are.

best,
-ol' 2long

Tanya,

It sounds like you have a difficult life with enough problems there already. This affair may offer some shortterm "happiness" , but you really do not have an idea of other problems that will inevitably come along if you started this affair. This may sound harsh but the co-worker, is highly likely not the free choice you might make for a partner if you current situation did not exist. Decide what you want to do with your husband first. Feel good about yourself first, then make a free choice if this is what you decide to do.

OK Honey...
Look at it this way.
Your H tries to escape from his problems (whatever they are) with drugs.
You are tempted to escape from your problems with sex/attention from another man.
You know very well such an escape is short lived and will have after effects - you'll feel cheap, embarrassed to be around this guy at work. Or you'll fall in love and things will be totally impossible.

And about having sex with a married man... Read up on some of the stories here of pain and hurt of betrayed wifes and then wonder if you'd be prepared to do that (become the "other woman") to any living being.

NOT A GOOD IDEA to have sex with this guy.
You'll feel like your H after he sobers up - sorry, guilty, a failure.

Do yourself a favor - decide whether to stay in your M or not, get a D if H doesn't change, then find yourself a nice (single!) guy to make you happy.

If you simply need the sex - that might be a real need for you if H has been away some time - there are other ways to fix that than "using" another man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Dear Trying -

I applaud your asking for help. I'm sorry for all of your problems.

This will sound harsh, but I'm speaking with the voice of experience! I can tell you that having an A (affair) will only make your life worse. It would add a problem instead of solving one. It's hard to describe the guilt and disappointment it will cause.

Also, you cannot trust a man who will cheat on his W (wife). You cannot have fun with someone you can't be seen with or even call on the phone at home. You cannot have peace knowing you're abusing at least 4 people - your husband (H), the other man (OM), the other man's wife (OMW), and yourself. If there are children involved, their lives could be devastated by one of their parents having an A.

If you truly want to save your marriage (M), do not be flattered by the attentions of a married man (MM) - be offended! Summon up all the inner strength and self-respect that you have and resist this man! If you believe in God, pray for guidance and strength.

Hopefully there are posters here who can give you advice on being married to an addict, and also on being married to someone who is incarcerated. There are books and subjects listed on this site that could also be of help to you. Find out what your resorces are and use them.

God bless you. Hang in there! Keep posting.

Rose55

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Sorry, double post!

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Trying to not have an affair
Too late. You are already in the midst of the affair. You need to end all contact with this person.
Your husband has a serious problem. I agree with your statement, "I told my husband that under no circumstances will I stay with him if he picks up another drink or does drugs again."

Support him in this yes, but it is something that HE, not you, has to do.

Hi TryingHard,

This is what helped my husband. He became clean at 36 years of age. He was on drugs from an early age.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> http://www.doc.state.nc.us/substance/dart.htm </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand what you are going through. My husband was on drugs the first year we were married. He hid it for a while, till he started stealing from me and even hocked my kids toys. Your husband has to want to do this before it will work.

I did cheat on my husband while he was in prison. OM used husband's weakness against him making me feel like husband would always have a problem and played on my uncertainty that husband could relapse at any time. I wish I did not cheat because I love him very much. When he got out of prison and found out that I cheated he got me back by cheating on me and now OW is soon to deliver his child. I am paying a high price for an experience with OM that cannot even begin to compare to what I feel for my husband. If I could go back and do it again, I would not have cheated. Would that have changed things. Probably but I cannot beat myself up for this. I just know I made a mistake and wish I had not. If I were you, I would not let husband home unless I knew he were clean. He needs to get help first before he comes home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:
<strong> OK Honey...
Look at it this way.
Your H tries to escape from his problems (whatever they are) with drugs.
You are tempted to escape from your problems with sex/attention from another man.
You know very well such an escape is short lived and will have after effects - you'll feel cheap, embarrassed to be around this guy at work. Or you'll fall in love and things will be totally impossible.

And about having sex with a married man... Read up on some of the stories here of pain and hurt of betrayed wifes and then wonder if you'd be prepared to do that (become the "other woman") to any living being.

NOT A GOOD IDEA to have sex with this guy.
You'll feel like your H after he sobers up - sorry, guilty, a failure.

Do yourself a favor - decide whether to stay in your M or not, get a D if H doesn't change, then find yourself a nice (single!) guy to make you happy.

If you simply need the sex - that might be a real need for you if H has been away some time - there are other ways to fix that than "using" another man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[LIST] [LIST] [LIST] [LIST] [LIST] [LIST] [LIST] </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;"> [/code]</blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[*]e

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Tryinghardtanya ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:
<strong> OK Honey...
Look at it this way.
Your H tries to escape from his problems (whatever they are) with drugs.
You are tempted to escape from your problems with sex/attention from another man.
You know very well such an escape is short lived and will have after effects - you'll feel cheap, embarrassed to be around this guy at work. Or you'll fall in love and things will be totally impossible.

And about having sex with a married man... Read up on some of the stories here of pain and hurt of betrayed wifes and then wonder if you'd be prepared to do that (become the "other woman") to any living being.

NOT A GOOD IDEA to have sex with this guy.
You'll feel like your H after he sobers up - sorry, guilty, a failure.

Do yourself a favor - decide whether to stay in your M or not, get a D if H doesn't change, then find yourself a nice (single!) guy to make you happy.

If you simply need the sex - that might be a real need for you if H has been away some time - there are other ways to fix that than "using" another man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:
<strong> OK Honey...
Look at it this way.
Your H tries to escape from his problems (whatever they are) with drugs.
You are tempted to escape from your problems with sex/attention from another man.
You know very well such an escape is short lived and will have after effects - you'll feel cheap, embarrassed to be around this guy at work. Or you'll fall in love and things will be totally impossible.

And about having sex with a married man... Read up on some of the stories here of pain and hurt of betrayed wifes and then wonder if you'd be prepared to do that (become the "other woman") to any living being.

NOT A GOOD IDEA to have sex with this guy.
You'll feel like your H after he sobers up - sorry, guilty, a failure.

Do yourself a favor - decide whether to stay in your M or not, get a D if H doesn't change, then find yourself a nice (single!) guy to make you happy.

If you simply need the sex - that might be a real need for you if H has been away some time - there are other ways to fix that than "using" another man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Tryinghardtanya ]</small>

Wow! This is some good advice. Thanks everybody for trying to help, I appreciate it. Brownhair, everything you said makes total sense and I guess I already knew everything you were saying, but maybe I just needed to hear it. OM just called, I did not even pick up.

Wow! This is some good advice. Thanks everybody for trying to help, I appreciate it. Brownhair, everything you said makes total sense and I guess I already knew everything you were saying, but maybe I just needed to hear it. OM just called, I did not even pick up.

Wow! This is some good advice. Thanks everybody for trying to help, I appreciate it. Brownhair, everything you said makes total sense and I guess I already knew everything you were saying, but maybe I just needed to hear it. OM just called, I did not even pick up.

Wow! This is some good advice. Thanks everybody for trying to help, I appreciate it. Brownhair, everything you said makes total sense and I guess I already knew everything you were saying, but maybe I just needed to hear it. OM just called, I did not even pick up.

Wow! This is some good advice. Thanks everybody for trying to help, I appreciate it. Brownhair, everything you said makes total sense and I guess I already knew everything you were saying, but maybe I just needed to hear it. OM just called, I did not even pick up.

Just hit the "Add Reply" button one time and wait. It's sometimes slow.
That is why you have so many repeat posts.

Tanya:

Good for you!!! That's a great start!

Now, you'll have time 2 read those articles.

Yeah, the forums are REALLY slow 2day. Every post of mine said it didn't go through. When that happens now, I just copy my post and go back 2 the main page. Usually, I find that it really DID post. But if it doesn't, I can just open a new "reply" window and paste my reply back in and try again.

You can edit your posts by clicking on the paper/pencil icon at the top.

-ol' 2long

Tanya, understand that coming here and trying to do the right thing for yourself was a great victory for you.

Your marriage may not survive. Your husband has lots of problems that you cannot solve for him, and if he doesn't confront them, your life with him will not be the best thing for you.

But do not let this other man take advantage of you. He sees your vulnerability and wants to exploit it. No matter how caring, thoughtful, and wonderful he seems on the surface, a selfish and unfeeling philanderer lies beneath. Avoid him like a disease.

You will never be able to think clearly about which direction to take in your life if you pollute your mind by having an affair with this man.

Again, congratulations on seeing the danger here. It may not feel like it, but you've taken a big step towards finding fulfillment and happiness for yourself.

GC