I posted elsewhere under Plan A / Plan B but little activity in that forum - see Please help - Plan B


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=002501


My wife asked me to promise her not to tell OM that I love her. If I did it would be end of any chance for us. My dilema ( with Plan B ) is that by being present, dignified in the presence of the OM I could work on his insecurity. She had finished with him once before, to try to save the our M I only knew about the affair when she announced she was leaving me to go to live with him.

IMHO she is fence sitting, telling the OM one thing and you another in an effort to keep both of you. Why would she not want him to know that you love her? She doesn't sound so secure about him. Sounds like a HS girl trying to keep a certain image in his eyes. See if she has painted you to be the bad guy then how is the OM going to rescue her if you're really NOT a bad guy. I may have gotten the wrong picture here, but that's how it struck me.

It is very controlling of her not to want you to tell him, and very strange. Plan b isn't a bad way to protect yourself and to let her get her needs met elsewhere-if there is a chance for you, then she'll come running back. If OM is married, does his wife know? If she doesn't you should let her know.

New jersey,

thankyou for replying. My post was terribly thin on detail. It continues from another under the recovery thread . See here

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=015414#000002

You need to see the background threads perhaps.


He was a comforting friend from work, I know him. So I would imagine that she has told him about me/us last summer. From this comforting shoulder their relationship developed. He was not a free choice in my opinion. He is significantly older, divorced since 2 Years - my wife had talked/"helped" with him about this. She says she fell in love with the way he loved her. It is in a cold sense the classic reason for an affair. But this is not an affair anymore, or is it?

Due to my wife having to work out her job notice period and wanting to spend some time with our children, peparing them for the their new future we had some 10 Weeks living together after she told me of her (thoroughly worked out ) plans to leave me. During this period our relationship changed very positively. We have talked very openly and honestly. I really believe we are the only two people being 100% honest with each other. As wild as that might appear.

I dont have to guess what she thinks. She has told me. So the scenario is A) what she tells me is not (100%) true ( which I do not believe, she lies badly- body language leaks like mad ) or B) It is as she says, which is

We met while we were young (18/22). She has no experience of any other partner. She needs to see if it would work out with him. She has doubts , she admits that he is too old for her. But she loves him very much and sees the better chances with him. She does not love me, but cares for me very deeply. These are "the steps she needs to take"

This is is the "we are not dead " part

She needs to see I am authentic, that this is not something temporary resulting from her going.

She doesnt not want to loose this chance for happiness. She knows he might leave her. This is why she doesnt not want me to say to him so soon, that I love her - but she blackmails me with the threat about us. I will have to challenge her on this now she has moved out? I know and she knows that she would need to respond to his questions if I told him how much I love her. I think she would not be able to conceal that she now thinks we might have a future together, where as in the past when she asked to start up again with him, she would of told him the M was dead, that i did not love her, just the children.

She needs to see if her feelings for me come back. I saw so much inner conflict in her eyes and body language these last 10 weeks. I do see that I cause her lot's of pain and sadness. Why I can only guess. Part of it is because there is now a third person involved. She needs a therapist.


Yes, she is fence sitting, but she is definetely more on his side of the fence at this time.


She has told me he thinks I am bad for her, which is good for me beacuse he is then "blinded". She also told me he did not like it that she was with me, but this was in the orig. moving out plan which he had agreed to. He knows nothing( I believe) of how we have been together. I have said to her I believe that only we two are being honest with each other. I believe she knows in her heart this too.


Hence I come back to my plan B dilema. If I am present, calm , stately and strong this will sow more seeds of doubt with him?
He will feel my strength and love for her. I do not need to say it?. She will see my own dignity and strength. I just have to find the right balance so that she does not feel comfortable, because she is getting the "best of both worlds".

Any people with a similar extreme situation?

so she has moved out with our children to live with another man.

All right...that's ALL the information needed..
period..

all the other stuff is crap...especially ANY therapist that condones in ANYWAY some woman moving a five year old and a two year old AWAY from their father and in with a STRANGER!!!!!!!

From this second on..

your marriage and relationship with your wife becomes a totally seperate issue from what your children need...

and what you children need is YOU as the ONLY stable ADULT in their lives..

you are not some replacable peice of furniture...
she has NO right to expose YOUR children to this OM...

none...

DADs are not replacable...
they hold huge humongous value in their childrens lives..

they are not dismissed based on grownup idiotic feelings of love....
you children are not to be moved 400 miles from their home that they know and live in ..

in with a STRANGE MAN.,

the damage your wife is exposing them to is mind boggling...

and this my friend is no time for you to go belly up out of fear of losing your wife...

YOU must protect you children
YOU must do what is right by them and for
INSPITE of
REGARDLESS of
your fear of losing your wife....

you need to save your children first...

then you can work on saving your marriage....

My therapist says I should keep my distance, because she ultimately has to choose and I need to protect my self and start to prepare a new life

your therapist is an insane quack and you need to seek decent human counsel that puts children in the right line of priorities....
seek out your church or local minister..

go get you children
bring them back home.

let your wife...do what she chooses..
you can't control her...
but you are the one person on this earth who MUST protect the children from some woman's insanity of exposing her children to a stranger...

I have never been more angry on this board...
then I am hearing about the chaos and crap people put children through..out some warped fantasy called love..

there is nothing loving about forcing your children to live with a strange man...

daddy doesn't live here
daddy doesn't matter
daddy is replacable..
and your children will lay in their beds in fear that if daddy...a grown up with all the power is os easily replaced...then surely they too must be...for they are powerless children...

and they will become people pleasers out of fear...that they will be gotten rid of as well..

there is a much greater picture here than your marriage...

go softly
go kindly
go strongly
and do what is right for the children....

i beg you
I implore you..
be their father
be the man....

we can work on the marital issues....
that's the easy part...
the hard part if YOU reliquishing the fear you have over losing your wife while sacrificing your children....

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have to agree with ark, you need to see an attorney about the kids. This IS damaging and you may want to see a theerapist that is pro marriage, all therapists are not equal.

She is at the very least having an emotional affair at this time.

Have you done the emotional needs questionaire with her? It is a great starting point to help if you are going to do plan a.

Again, you don't want your kids living with OM or even as an overnight guest. She needs a kick in the pants-basically-you need a lawyer and you need to get tough. Sorry-JMHO.

Wow! maybe my post was confusing or we see things very differently.

I will be living within 20 mins of OUR children. I have the flat. I will see them there in my flat this weekend. There is no access issues at this stage and honestly I doubt there will be. I will of course prepare for this eventuality.

I have told her I dont agree with her "methods" to find herself. That what she is potentially doing to the children is wrong. But I also think the trauma of removing them from their mother also is'nt great for them.

I AM there for OUR children. I agreed to this arrangement, because I love our children. The children need to have loving parents, even if the parents dont love each other. This is possible and better than fighting parents.

I hear what you are saying. I believe in my heart I am doing the right thing there with regards to the children. That might change in the future though. My therapist was not suggesting I break contact including with the children.

Still I would like to know if now "being not so nice" to my wife is the right thing to do. My heart tells me something else.

menorca...

there is NO misunderstanding...

I understand perfectly..
based on your fears of your wife leaving you...

you have decided that whatever she wants as long as she speaks and keeps you strung along with empty words of "you and me" "someday".. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
that YOU will agree to anything and everything INSPITE of her actions which are what really defines her intentions and defines her values...

you have somehow become so lost in your own fears and pain...that you have sacrificed your children to the whims of a woman who is willing to expose them to a STRANGE man....and somehow still spin it as if it is all good...

sir,
step back and see this through the eyes of the chldren...
who for their entire lives watched mommy and daddy live together sleep together dayd after every day...
and then
POOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like magic
DADDY DOESNT LIVE HERE ANYMORE
and even more scary..
HERE"S A NEW DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think your two year old isn't going to bond with a new man??

do you think other five year olds won't ask about her daddy...
what will she tell them...
how will she explain 'new daddy"

this is so wrong
so very very wrong...
and you can't see it....
because why?
how can this be good for the children

do you understand how confusing this is...
do you understand how confusing this is going to be ...

you have consented for a strange man to tuck your children in at night..
to wake with them in the morning...

do you think she's not going to let him watch them for her so she can run here and there...?

are you really that naive....

start being not nice to your wife....and you will not get to see your children at all..
she is already clear that she will use the children any way she has to or needs to get to
feel good
and
see if she loves you or him.....

shame on her....

doing this to children is NOT love.
it is letting them be moved around pawns in some adults sick fantasy world of warping such fundamental values
as
FAMILY
love
committment.......

soon you will become so not needed..

OM is happy to meet her needs and charm her and whoo her....

and you are outside of that ...
and the longer you condone your children LIVING there...the harder it will be to get them out...

get to a lawyer
find out your rights....

it is wrong what is going on here....
so very wrong...
and no way can it be spun right....

I know you are scared of losing your wife..but when your fears overshadow reason and sanity and young children are involved...
you must take stands
and make choices that the WS may not like at first...
but when you move in the best interest of the children...which is not moving them 400 miles from home in with a STRANGER and playing make believe and house that is NORMAL....
when you move in thier best interest...

you wife will know that deep down you kept the sanity even when she had no hold on it what so ever...

ARK

Menorca,

Please read and reread what ark has written, they are worth their weight in gold. Then read them again.

Don't make someone pull out a 2x4

Good Luck