I am starting to feel indifferent. What does this mean?

I still go back and forth in my mind from wanting my H to not wanting him anymore. It seems that I spend more time NOT wanting him – particularly after discovering his secret plans for leaving me. Here are his plans. Ironically, he calls them plan A and plan B:

Plan A – get transferred to Europe and go without me. Lead me and his employer to believe that we will be going together so that he can get better pay and housing while overseas.

Plan B – get transferred back to my hometown and move there together. Invest together in a property because we both work and have good credit. Then he will inform me that he wants a D and buy me out of the property. He will then continue investing in properties with a friend of his.

These plans lead me to believe that he is pure evil. I am realizing that he is probably only being nice to me now so that he can continue to use me until he no longer needs me. He clearly does not love me.

My mother came to visit me for a week while my H was out of town on his business trip. I finally informed her what is going on in my M. It might have been a mistake, I don’t know. She was shocked that I was not more emotional in telling her everything. She said, “You’re talking about all of this as if you are talking about another couple!” This is VERY unlike me. It could be my ADs. Needless to say, she feels that I am better off without him. Since she went back home, she has filled in my brother about my situation. I was planning on telling him anyway. Apparently, he was FURIOUS. I think my mom said that his words were something like, “he should go back into the cockroach infested hole that he crawled out of.” I think I will be talking to my brother tonight or tomorrow night. I guess my thinking in telling my family is that I know that they are the only people that honestly love me and care about me right now.

I am to the point where I’m not even sure if I want to snoop anymore. At times, I just don’t care anymore. The only thing that I really want to do is hear his conversations with his family. It is the only way that I know the truth about what he is thinking and feeling. If I ever hear him say that he loves me after all and wants to work on our M and spend the rest of his life with me, THEN I might change my attitude. But until then, I feel that I can’t believe anything that he tells me.

My H and I are visiting some friends out of town this weekend. When we come back, I think I am going to have a discussion with him. I mentioned this on another thread. I am going to tell him that I know that he does not love me. I will ask him to leave. If he ever changes his mind, he can come back. But in the meantime, I can’t live with someone who causes me so much pain. I can give him a plan B letter, but I don’t know if this will be plan B really, or just plan D.


My only fear right now is that I will be starting over at 35. I am afraid of being alone and feeling like a failure because of a D. I also have to deal with the fact that I may never have children in this lifetime. I know that I will be OK, no matter what happens, but still, you can’t help feeling this way.

Once again, it feels good to vent.

Hi SVB,
I know you are venting, but you won't mind if I comment will you?

I am starting to feel indifferent. What does this mean?

Indifference means you are about finished caring about him. It means you don't have a drive to make things work, it means you are about done.

I read about A, and B, and I agree that it is not good that he can make plans like that behind your back. (understatement, I know.)
I think it is time to talk to him.

These plans lead me to believe that he is pure evil. I am realizing that he is probably only being nice to me now so that he can continue to use me until he no longer needs me. He clearly does not love me.

It leads me to believe that you are right. Remember you still have choices.

My mother came to visit me.....I finally informed her what is going.........she feels that I am better off without him.

Remember that you have choices.

I guess my thinking in telling my family is that I know that they are the only people that honestly love me and care about me right now.

I think that many people on MB care about you too, but it is hard to communicate care and concern in a few minutes of typing.

I am to the point where I’m not even sure if I want to snoop anymore. At times, I just don’t care anymore. The only thing that I really want to do is hear his conversations with his family. It is the only way that I know the truth about what he is thinking and feeling.

Many here wanted you to hold out for more hard evidence, and I was one of them, however I think it is time for you to do something.

If I ever hear him say that he loves me after all and wants to work on our M and spend the rest of his life with me, THEN I might change my attitude. But until then, I feel that I can’t believe anything that he tells me.

Once you know your spouse lies, it is difficult to regain trust even when they are telling the truth, and you have no reason to think he is. I really do think it is time for a discussion, or at least putting him on notice.


My H and I are ........out of town this weekend. When we come back,....... I am going to have a discussion with him.......... I am going to tell him that I know that he does not love me. I will ask him to leave.

I don't know how you do when you talk to him, but from past reading (and I have not read all your posts, and not for a while) it seems that he always was able to put enough spin on things so that you - not doubted, but you had a hard time ever getting him to come clean with you about anyting. I wonder if it would be good to just write your feelings out and give him a letter. Just tell him that you know he is not faithful, that you know he is thinking about divorcing you, and that you want him out now. Leave out anything about proof, but just say you know. If he asks for proof, you can just say something like " we both know what is going on, there is no use trying to bluff, I am not going to discuss it with you further unless you are willing to come clean with me about EVERTHING." Then get out of the conversation. You know enough to understand if he will just give you a little information, or if he would really try.

If he ever changes his mind, he can come back. But in the meantime, I can’t live with someone who causes me so much pain. I can give him a plan B letter, but I don’t know if this will be plan B really, or just plan D.

D is a terrible thing, but his treatment of you is (in my mind) much worse. You are of great worth, and he refuses to acknowledge that. You have feelings, dreams, dignity, and talent. Don't ever get to thinking he has valid reasons for his hidden plans.


My only fear right now is that I will be starting over at 35. I am afraid of being alone and feeling like a failure because of a D. I also have to deal with the fact that I may never have children in this lifetime. I know that I will be OK, no matter what happens, but still, you can’t help feeling this way.

No, you can't help feeling that way now, but in time it will change. When our spouse does something this wrong, it is not our fault, and we are not a failure for getting away from the abuse, but the feelings persist for quite some time. I can't remember reading about your belief system, but I feel God can still help your dreams come true if you are doing your part. Life stretches away into eternity, don't limit the window of your happiness to the space of a few years.
Please understand, I am not trying to diminish your feelings, for they are valid, but I want you to have hope for you should have hope.

Once again, it feels good to vent.

Vent away, and yes, I think you should do something. Waiting was not working, time for a change.

And in closing, no you are not crazy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

SS,

Thanks, I always appreciate comments and advice.

"I guess my thinking in telling my family is that I know that they are the only people that honestly love me and care about me right now.

I think that many people on MB care about you too, but it is hard to communicate care and concern in a few minutes of typing. "

I hope I didn't make it sound like I don't think that people on MB don't care. I know that they do. It actually amazes me how people come here to help others. I wish that I could help others the way they help me here. Maybe one day I will be able to.

"If I ever hear him say that he loves me after all and wants to work on our M and spend the rest of his life with me, THEN I might change my attitude. But until then, I feel that I can’t believe anything that he tells me.

Once you know your spouse lies, it is difficult to regain trust even when they are telling the truth, and you have no reason to think he is. I really do think it is time for a discussion, or at least putting him on notice. "

I meant that if I heard him tell his family that he loves me and wants to work on the M that I would change my attitude. I know that I can't believe anything that he tells me directly anymore.

As it stands right now, I am going to have a discussion with him sometime after we return from our weekend trip. I will ask him to leave. If he does not want to, then I will leave. I don't think that I am even going to bring up the suspected A and ask him to come clean. I don't think that it even matters anymore -- unless I REALLY determine that he wants to stay and work on our M and go to counseling (MC and IC)-- then I will need to know. In my mind, though, I'm pretty close to being done with this M.

I talked to my brother for about an hour and a half last night. He says that there is no doubt that this M is over. He says I should get my finances in order and leave. He says that my H has absolutely no respect for me and that it is obvious to anyone who sees us. He said he's known since "day 1." He says that I need to break the cycle that we are in -- that the nicer that I am to him (plan A) the less respect he will have for me, and the worse he will treat me.

My brother recommended the book "Love Must Be Tough." He said it should open my eyes and make me feel better.

Amazingly enough, my brother is a BS. In his 2nd year of M, he caught his W in a an inappropriate relationship with an OM. It was definitely an EA, but I don't know if he ever found out if it was a PA as well. This was maybe 10 years ago and they are still together and have two adorable little girls. He said, though, that he has never fully regained trust in his W and has not apparently fully healed from his hurt. (I don't want to discourage anyone here.) However, he told me that in my R, there is much more going on than just suspected infidelity -- enough to justify my leaving.

Thanks, again, SS, for your support. It means more than you know.

Drat, double post.

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I think from reading your comments, that you are going the right direction, and that you will do well.

Perhaps the thing that bothered me most about your first post was your comment about starting over.

I think that should be one of your smallest worries. So often people don't give full credit to their strengths, and they magnify their faults so that in their own mind they are not as much of a person as they really ought to be.

I can't give you all my reasons, but you are better than you think, and you don't need to worry.

I think your brother is right, and I agree that Love must be tough would be good reading for you.

Here's to the wisdom to know what to do, the strength to do it, and the ability to do it well.

SS

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks, SS.

I am feeling much more positive today. I feel at peace and am actually looking forward to my new future. Hopefully this feeling will last.

I will keep you posted on what happens.

svb