Everyone has commented to me how strong I am and how proud they are of me especially how I handled this whole situation.

They don't know how I cried myself to sleep or when I go shopping and walk into the men's department I just want to breakdown. I haven't had a total crying binge for awhile until yesterday. I was driving to work when a commercial came on talking about Christmas. I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. My vision was me sitting alone on Christmas Day while my WH spends his first Christmas with the OW underneath a Christmas tree exchanging gifts and smiling. I don't know how I'm going to handle the holidays. My in-laws will be away at their vacation house and I don't have any family, so maybe I will just work, but thats a few months from now.

I seem to be strong on the outside but inside I'm dying. I think of all the promises and all the hopes we once shared. Last year at this time we were trying to start a family.

Maybe I am more emotional, my birthday is coming up in three weeks and I will be 38. Knowing I have to start my life over again. Knowing how I lost my ability to completely trust another man again. Knowing my biological clock is ticking even though my Mom had me at 44, so I know there is still time.

I know I need to take time out for me. Believe it or not I joined a bowling league that starts next week and had volunteer at a carnival for the Philadelphia Eagles, even though I'm a Jets fan. So I'm trying to go out and enjoy life, but it so hard without the person you thought would always be by your side.

Was there a full moon last night or something? It seems to have been a bad night for a lot of people. Yesterday was the first time in a while I had a horrible crying fit too. But today is a better day. Hang in there and one way or another it will get better, I mean how could it get worse?

HD2, everybody tells me I'm strong. Last night I bawled like a baby and fell asleep on a wet pile of kleenex, then this morning I called in sick and missed half a day of work becase I couldn't figure out any way to get out of bed.

All the people who tell me I'm strong are right.

Rar!

GC

Hi hoplesslydevoted2....please dont try to think about xmas, its so far away. Just take one day at a time. I thought about xmas and i quickly removed that thought from my mind, its just not worth it i said to myself. I just take one day at a time.

Hey, you gave me a great idea, "Bowling League", wow i love bowling, i think i will see about joining a league myself.

Here is something i think about when i dont feel strong and i am sad.

" I am not a liar"
" I did not commit adultry"
" I can walk tall & proud with my head held high in the air and know i am a good person"

It helps me

take care, my thoughts are with you
A/C0810

It was a waning full moon last night.

I'm having a down day too, may as well blame the moon. That and I ran out of St. John's Wort before the weekend and didn't think I needed it anymore. Bought some. Took some.

Hopelessly Devoted...are you from Philly or the surrounding area? Just curious...

I too am a BS and nearly two years after DDay it still hurts. And people always say to me, you are so strong, look how far you've come. Some days HD, I feel that way...sometimes, I wish I could crawl somewhere dark and cry my heart out. It is a hurt that takes a very, very long time to work through. You have to work through the pain before you can recovery from it. Just take it one day at a time...don't look ahead to Christmas...look ahead only to tomorrow.

Good Luck and let me know if you're from Philly...

Fly Eagles Fly....

Thanks everyone. If it wasn't for great friends, my WH family and this board I don't know I would have made it this far.

I didn't know a human was able to cry as much as I have these past 9 months. You would think my tear ducts would be in a drought by now. I know Christmas is a few months away, but the media and retail outlets really push the season, its not even Halloween yet and you can buy Christmas ornaments. I know I have to take things day by day.

I did make it through my anniversary, even though a few days later I was served with DV papers. He told them not to served me on our anniversary, wasn't that nice of him.

Now I have to survive my B-day in a few weeks.

I'm trying to get out more. I just wished my WH gave our marriage a chance. Fourteen years together. I know I'm stronger, I do amaze myself, especially joining a bowling league.

Karena, I am from the Philly area, South Jersey to be exact.

HD2....if you'd like, you can e-mail me at karena_darling@yahoo.com. I've been in your situation and have experienced all that you are going through now. You're going to be okay...it's so hard to even imagine that right now, but you will. Trust me. Just contact me if you would like to chat....kim