Hi All - my WW and I are going down the separation path as she can't commit to the M right now. As a result i would like to ask you good folks who have been there the following questions;

1. What sort of emotions will I be likely to feel?
2. What suggestions or strategies would you offer me to do better than just cope?

Ha--what emotions? you name it!!!

I've been separated from my H since June. He doesn't have a current A (as *usually* described here), but if he's not dating...he won't agree not to either.

So..what I feel...sad that we are not together, mad that we are not together, glad that we are not together (sometimes it feels good to be away from the toxins), somewhat happy that we still have a chance, pretty unhappy that the chances are slim. There are times when I am just so sad that I lay around all day doing nothing, there are days when I am very anxious and ready to jump out of my skin (this has been the predominant feeling lately..even over sadness..not quite sure why), there are days when I am content to be alone, there are days when I fantasize a future with him, and one without him. I am confused, I am angry, I am disappointed. I miss the person that was my best friend. I get mad at myself, I get mad at him, I get mad at our friends and family.

Okay now..all is not doom and gloom...I just think you should expect to feel anything and everything. But there ARE ways to cope. You might want to consider Anti-D's at first. I didn't take them, but can see where they might have helped.

When you're sad, don't try to fight it. But then pick yourself up and do something. If you've got friends, USE THEM. lol, i know that sounds weird..but I know that for me--I'm in a new place and have no friends yet..and can't talk to my family either about things..my husband was my best friend and I've lost that. So if you've got them, be grateful and take advantage!

In light of not having a support system, here are some of the things I do..and they really do help. I go to Barnes and Noble, grab a latte and sit and read in the bookstore for a couple of hours at least once a week. I take my dog to one of the dog parks in the area and stay at least an hour. I'm in Florida and there's usually older, retired people there to talk to--and that's wonderful for me since I'm so far from my parents. I play with my dog when I'm really feeling down. It's hard not to smile when she attacks her squeaky toy with such abandon!! I teach my son how to drive a stick-shift. Sometimes in the morning I go buy a paper and sit at Starbucks at an outside table to read it. I make a point to watch at least one funny TV show or movie a day (I used to hardly EVER watch TV at all). The more you're exposed to happy or calm things, the more those feelings will come out naturally in yourself. I've looked into volunteering, but haven't started yet--I think it will be a good experience, though. I Journal. I write to myself, I write letters to my husband, never to be sent. I even write letters to God, asking for what I want and then looking at the list to see what I can get for myself..and giving to God what I can't do myself. (I don't go to Church, btw..I do believe in God, but I just have a simple faith). Lol, I also bought some baby turtles to take care of. Actually, my H bought them for me but they're fun to watch and take care of. Dirty little things, they are!!

i have my good days and my bad days. My IC is invaluable to me right now as she is really the only person I have to talk to, besides here at this site.

One thing I would like to warn against and I only say it because I saw it becoming a problem for me. Do not spend too too much time on this site. It's a wonderful source of information and can be a great comfort, but it can also be depressing, especially when you see people trying so hard and *seemingly* not getting anywhere. Take what you can get from here, but don't let it become you're only crutch. Also..just the computer in general. It's a great tool to whittle *some* time away..but it can also make you very isolated.

**editing in to add**

I do not know what I'd do without my dog. Her name is Miss Daisy and she's a 10 lb'r. She is very needy for attention. When she knows I'm feeling down she curls into whatever curves she can find in me and snuggles up just as tight as she can. This is a great comfort to me. Sometimes when she's had enough of my pity-party, I get the tongue-bath on my face..hard not to smile at that. And sometimes she just looks at me with her soulful little eyes and tells me that she understands. And don't laugh...but just lately I have come to think of her as my own little angel sent to me by God. I told God that I could not bear the pain anymore. I could bear what the future might bring, but right now the pain is too much. I prayed for Him to take the pain I could not handle. I've had my little Miss Daisy for a couple of years now, but I believe that God has given her a little something "extra" these days. So I talk to her..and she looks at me like any good listener will, and she tells me with her eyes that she understands and she is here for me. And I thank her...and take her for extra walks, I stay longer at the dog park than I really want to so she can make friends, I play with her squeaky toy longer than usual, even though it annoys me. She is my angel and I truly believe that. If you don't have a pet but could get one..ahh, don't underestimate the power of unconditional love.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

Thanks Maddyk - So the rollercoaster ride will continue for a while huh? Oh well better to know what's coming and prepare for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am always looking for meaning in things. Maybe it's God's way to tell me that I needed to rebalance my life. I did pretty much sacrifice everything for my M. Maybe I am just chasing shadows..

Hi RM,

I was in Plan A for a little over five months and just went to Plan B yesterday as WH left for an overseas trip. He will be gone for 18 days and I cannot contact him if I wanted to. He will pick up his things when he gets back while I am gone on a week-long biz trip so I can ensure staying dark.

The first thing I felt this morning when I woke up was a sense of relief--"if he came back, I don't know if I would want him back." That is the first time I have felt that in over five months. That feeling was amazing to me because I Plan A'd my behind off. I thought I would miss him so much that I saved his messages just to hear his voice. I guess I will need a little time to heal and to refind the "good" in our M and H, to keep my love bank secure.

The second thing I have been feeling is a wave of repressed anger and resentment which I am trying to work through with coaching, journaling, exercise, praying and a change of scenery (taking myself on a vacation.)

The third thing I have been feeling is trying not to obsess with the M. I am trying to stay busy and more importantly find something to be passionate about which right now is my vacation.

Lastly, I feel a get sense of freedom. I'm a fairly independent person which is probably what partially got me into this sitch. I planned for this time by getting a calendar and filling in the days with things I wanted to do, a suggestion that I picked up from the board. Also from SH's coaching, he suggested to not pursue too many activities that H would not enjoy should we recon. That was a good suggestion because that independent streak of mine, say "I'm free, I'm free, never have to share again." I'm now trying to pursue some things I like and be good to myself and some things "we" would like to achieve a balance.

RM, I hope you are doing okay in your Plan B. God bless us and give us strength in this struggle. May he watch over us and give us his guidance. Take care of yourself and be good to you.

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

I would like to second the question presented in this thread- what will it be like during separation. I will be separated in two weeks, and I'm really not sure what to expect, how I should act.

The advice given in this thread so far has been great, it has given me some ideas as well as some insight into what it may be like- does anyone else have advice/experiences they can share?

I have been separated for 14 months. At first I sat around and felt sorry for myself, and waited for WH to come back.

Then I decided to just go on with my life without him, and assume he was not coming back.

I went on an activity binge - cleaned the house spotless, got rid of all the junk, rearranged everything in the house, painted the house, redid the yard, detailed the car, exercised, started a business, threw myself into my regular job, joined a women's support group.

I let all my friends and neighbors and workmates know that I wanted to get out and do things. I forced myself to go places and experience new things.

All of this was very good for my self-esteem, which was in the toilet. Now I can't imagine having WH back in my life.

Thanks guys - that's kind of what Iwas expecting. I think it's very true that you have to get out of your comfort zone and stretch yourself and be open to new things. For example, although I am not officially separated yet I have started doing the following;

1. Going to movies and dinner(on my own on a few occassions.
2. Popping in for coffee with friends
3. Visiting family more often.
4. Taken a few dancing lessons.
5. Gone to gym
6. Long walks (alone more often than not)
7. Breakfasts with friends or alone
It's all been a little scary and unconfortable at first, but you do get over it and start to enjoy the fact that you can get by without WS if necessary.
Some of my friends were feeling sorry for me when they found out I did stuff on my own, but I much prefer this than sitting at home being bored and alone.
As a bonus, WS is seeming a little confused about the fact that I am starting to do things for myself and not moping around the house (not that I care too much about what she thinks right now, this is about helping myself).
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and as long as you realise that there will be ups and downs, then I think that makes it a bit easier. Keep the posts coming.

My WH moved out over three months ago. The first few weeks are the hardest, but it does get easier. Making dinner for myself was one of the hardest things to do, learning to plan ahead helps with that. Now I make a big batch of something and eat that all week or I get a salad from the grocery store.

Getting out of the house is definately a good start. I always try to make plans for the weekend, it really helps. You are smart to get out even if it is by yourself, it's too easy to get depressed while sitting home alone. I started up a hobby, cross stitching, to fill the times in the evenings after work when I am just too tired to go out. Are there any hobbies you always wanted to get into? If so now is the time! Or pick up the latest best seller everyone is talking about. I have "The Divinci Code" sitting upstairs waiting to be read.

Another thing that helped was I wrote out a to do list of things I wanted to get done around the house and started working on those things. My house has never been cleaner.

It really does confuse the WS's when we do these things! My WH has said on more then one occasion that he doesn't have anything to do, so I wonder what he thinks when he sees me keeping busy and doing my thing.

But the best thing I have done during this time is to really work on making myself a better person. I have used this time to really look at my life and try to work on the areas that needed improvement. My family and friends have been incredible and now I am focusing on ways to be a better friend to them in return.

Just know that no matter how hard it is in the beginning, it will get better and you will survive.