When I found out about my H's four year A I hadn't found the MB site yet. I only found this site a couple of months later and consequently nobody in my immediate family or my friends know about the A. I didn't even tell the OW's husband because my H begged me not to. After what I have learnt on this site I would have informed him. . .its now 9 months since no contact so I feel informing him now would just be a spiteful act and so its not the OW's H that I want to tell.

My eldest daughter lives in the UK and I am going to visit with her next week. She is 36 years old and a very level headed girl and we get on exceptionally well together. I know that she has suspected that all has not been right here at home. We communicate daily via emails and I have just fobbed her off with "I've been feeling a little depressed lately story". But now that I am actually going to see her I know that she will be able to tell that something is drastically wrong because I have lost about 10 kg's in weight since the last time she saw me. . .also I am feeling old and weary and I know that she is going to be asking some probing questions.

My question to you very wise people out there is do I tell her about her father's A or do I keep it to myself. I would love to have someone to discuss it with but I don't want to do anything out of spite or malice. . .I am so looking forward to my visit with her and the chance to be able to talk to SOMEONE. . .I have never discussed the A with anyone except my psychiatrist.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

^

Personally, I would tell her. I know you are in recovery, but I would be truthful.

When I was growing up, I think my father had an affair. He used to disappear every night. When I asked my mother about it she denied it. But I know something was not right. So I've always had this feeling, and have imagined even worse things.

Thanks, I have been worrying about this all week because I leave next Thursday evening to visit with her for two weeks and I know that she will be able to see that there is something wrong. My gut instinct has been saying that I should tell her but I just wanted some confirmation that I would be doing the right thing.

It will actually be wonderful to talk to someone about it. . .I have never had that luxury. . .just this board which has been my lifeline.

^

Dear Enid.
I could not say whether you should tell your daughter or not...With our 3 daughters, even though we are very very close, I chose NOT to tell them. (The affair was OVER when I found out.)

Could you discuss this with your husband? Tell him what you told us here, that you feel the need and desire to talk with your daughter...

There has been a lot of discussion about POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement....it seems like a good idea "more loving and fair; not a love buster" to talk with H...And tell him, that IF you do tell her, you will NOT be trying to turn her away from him but will be teaching her about the beauty of forgiveness.

What do you think about talking with him first?
Love and caring, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. If your daughter is told, it would probably be BEST if her dad was the one to tell her.

President Clinton had NO CHOICE but to let their daughter know and she didn't turn against him!

You said 'eldest daughter'...could you confide in her without letting the other children know?
That would be quite a 'secret' for her to have to carry.....
Love, Julie

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

There is absolutely no way my H would tell our daughter. . .he refuses the discuss the A at all . . pretends it never happened. He and I have NEVER discussed the A. . .he point blank refuses to speak about it and I think that is why I am having such a hard time in recovery. I need to talk and I need someone to talk to.

I would hate to burden my daughter with this and that is why I have asked the question, whether to tell her or not. It would be pointless to ask my H if he would be in agreement with me telling her. . .he would be horrified if he thought I had told anyone. . .which I haven't. Its our big dirty secret which we NEVER TALK ABOUT. My need is to talk to someone but I don't know that my daughter is necessarily the correct person to talk to. There isn't really anyone else that I am that close to and can share with like I can with her.

My goodness, Enid...this is a difficult one...it is such a hard choice...It's too bad it can't be discussed with H.....

However, it is YOUR choice to make...

Do you think it will turn her against her father?

Maybe someone that has had a similar decision will come to the rescue here...~lol~

But no matter WHAT anyone says, the decision is yours, enid...

Love and caring, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She is not close to her father and I know that it will make her very angry with him but I also know that for my sake she would not let on to him that she knows.

I know its a difficult decision and that I am probably being selfish in wanting to talk to her about it. I know that she will be loving and understanding but I also don't want to put her in a position of having to take sides.

Maybe I should just wait and see what happens when we meet. . .hopefully she doesn't notice the change in me. . .though I very much doubt that. . I even notice the change in me.

Enid -

Sorry your husband refuses to discuss it. Not good for recovery. I would tell daughter. You shouldn't have to go thru this alone.

As I told you about our "family secret", I never found out what it was. My sis and I even discuss it to this day. And we imagine terrible things.

Dear Enid.
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you this week as you go to visit your daughter.

I know it is a hard decision whether to talk to her about her dad's affair.

You have had some advice, however, you just have to trust your own mother instinct on what to do.

Keep us informed....We care very much about you.
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />