Frida is WH Birthday - I did buy a gift and a very simple card. Birthday won't really bother me much - I don't plan on going out with him for dinner etc. THis Sat. is WH D's wedding - this is going to kill me..Standing in a church full of people beside my WH and giving the best performance of my life. Seeing this couple take their vows with such conviction and love -knowing that my WH never meant the words he said on our W day - "Foresake all Others"..or did they say "Take all Others". He apprently wasn't sure - so he picked the latter.

Knowing that this may be the last time we spend time together as a couple - that I may never see "our" friends again. That he too will be giving the performance of a lifetime - for the sake of D. It just breaks my heart..

I must not drink at this wedding..It's a big one and the booze will be flowing - I do not have a drinking problem but when I have even a couple my emotions go wild. And I have to be on my best behavior and show that I am the one with class. He's an A@@ for cheating on me with multiple women. A few people at the W know what is going on and I'm sure they will know I'm doing my best to hold it together for this one day - again, I'm doing this for him when in 10 years he's never doing anything for me or anyone else - it's all about him.

Then next week it's our 10 year A..which I donot plan on acknowleding. How do you celebrate 10 years of lies.

The following week I am going on vacation alone - never done that before - but I must get away from him and the turmoil. THis will be all about ME for a change.

I just hope I can make it thru the ceremony without breaking down while my heart is breaking and he doesn't care.

ITHURTS,

I don't really have any advice or words of wisdom for you. I just wanted to tell you that I will be thinking of you this weekend.

Stay strong.

svb