Well it's finally time to start facing reality. After 4 mos of separation it is over. My WW is filing for divorce. She doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I know everybody talks about the 'fog' and don't give up hope but I know in my heart I have to. My WW is the kind of person that once she makes up her mind about something, right or wrong, there is no changing it. That's the way she is, that is the way she has always been. I have just been holding out hope that maybe that wouldn't apply to our marriage. I know her well enough to know that short of an act of God her pride is to strong to ever admit she made a mistake and start the work to dig us out of this mess. I have seen her do it with business realtionships and friends before. She gets unhappy about something blames the other person and cuts the cord. That is pretty much what she has done with me. So now I face the scary prospect of rebuilding my life from scratch. It is hard to wrap my head around. Getting out of bed in the morning is enough of a struggle let alone trying to think about all that needs to done to move on with my life. I know I have to take it one day, one moment at a time and that things will get easier but right now I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I gave her my best effort and that is all I can do. I can't make her love me or change who she is.

In talking with her the last few days I have come to realize that this marriage was probably doomed from the start. I don't think she ever really loved me for who I am but rather for who she hoped and expected I could be. She said she sees things very black and white and isn't really willing to give much towards a compromise and that is not going to change. She said she doesn't think she is cut out for marriage or long-term realtionships. So I guess I have to look at this as a blessing in disguise. I can find myself someone who does love me for who I am and is willing to do what it takes to make a relationship work.

Oh well, it is a very sad day for me. I would love to be able to report back soon that the "miracle" happened and my WW is willing to give a little and work things out but I can't hold on to that hope. I need to let go and start moving on.

parkem,

Your post is so scary because except for the children, I could have written it exactly. And like your situation, even though my WW is madly in love with the OP she has not filed any demands on her divorce petition which in CA could be finalized 10-21. That is such a mystery to me beacuse she is so gung ho on this new lust in her life but in the only action that she can take legally, she has spent almost 5 months ducking. She also sees everything in black and white but the actual legal mechanics obviously are colored grey.

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Cymanca -
If your situation mirrors mine, I feel your pain. It sucks big time. Hang in there.

Parkem,'

Yes my WW has been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder and was on meds for quite a while. They helped her a lot especially in our relationship but she quit because she did not like the way they made her " feel " life.

That's kinda funny. In talking with my counselor she specializes in BPD and said she has seen a lot of red flags regarding my WW.

Hi Parkem1,

So before you throw in the towel, take a listen to what posters like Cy and others are saying. See what they are going through. Why? Because from your post, I see that you are willing to finish (in your mind) what you 'think' your WS will do.

You stated that your W is the kind of person that following through, right or wrong. Therefore, she c/b not a threatening type of person but a bit strong headed.....w/lots of pride. But remember that not only could she be having personality disorders but that she is morphing into another character you are not familar with and though her actions used t/b predictable, it may not be so in this case. In other words, she could now be threatening in an attempt to rile you up. You gonna let her?

Take it slow. Plan B if you need but slow down a bit. Expect the WS to file for the D, but let her do the work. It will slow down her A a bit if she has to work for it.

How? She could have $$ issues, settle for crazy counsel/lawyers,etc., agree to stupid bargaining items (ie: Parkem1 gets everything, etc.). If she does this, don't be 'fair' about it. There is nothing fair when dealing with an alien attitude type character. They will turn the nicest things in to the most hideous of events.

Check out plan B and your boundaries. Take a look at Bob Pure and Faithinme's threads.

L.

Orchid,

Thanks for the advice but I'm just not sure if any additional effort is even worth it. She emotionally manipulates me too well and runs circles around me with her words and always seems to wind up getting me to agree with her and see things her way or doing what she wants. She is having the A and wants the D but seems to make herself out as the victim here. She plays me and plays me well because she knows she can, because she knows that I care too damn much. How do you plan B someone who doesn't care and wants a D? I tried already but it didn't last long. She then started whinning about how I was just making the inevitable harder by not wanting to communicate with her during the D process. Neither of us can really afford lawyers right now and we have a lot of crap to sort out so if she files and I don't talk to her I don't know how any of it gets resolved?! I love her with all my heart and still want her back but I'm just at a point where I can't fight and take the abuse and rejection any more. Of course all the abuse and irrational behavior is all me in her eyes. She told my counselor that I had lost touch with reality because I couldn't accept that our M was over. Like I said she sweet talks me in to agreeing with her then if I think about it and change my mind the next day then I'm acting irrational and not keeping my word. Oh the drama, it's almost too much to bear. So, bottom line is I don't know if plan B and no contact is just going to make things harder for me if the D is truly going to happen, or if it will help at all.

Parkem1,

U got 3 little ones who need you to learn NOT to fall for the WS' mainpulation. What type of example are you setting for them?

As for plan B, it c/b better than you can imagine. It will infuriate the WS but you will also bring relief to you.

U R worrying too much about how the WS will react. STOP IT! Work on your resolution and recovery.

L.

As far as the little ones go, none of our communication happens in front of them. So they don't get to see me manipulated by her first hand. What she says to them about me or our situation I have no idea. She has already integrated the OM and his kids in to their lives. I took the kids out for dinner the other night and all they talked about was things they had been doing with OM's kids.

I think I finally came to the realization yesterday that I shouldn't be talking to WW right now at all. She is too good at playing my emotions. And yes you are right I am too worried about how she will react, I am too worried about trying to keep the peace and I do need to STOP IT!. I also came to the realization yesterday, that it doesn't matter what I do or how I act she is not going to like it anyway. I have been treating her with nothing but kindness and respect for the last 2 mos but she doesn't like it, she gets suspiscious and thinks I am up to something. If I am an a$$ to her then she gets pissed off. It really doesn't matter what I do in her eyes just as long as I buy in to her reality. I just need to cut off communication with her. She is going to fly off the handle but oh well. If she files for D then so be it. I will deal with that when it comes. It has just been so hard to be strong because of my feelings for her and because she knows exactly what to do to push my buttons and play my emotions.

parkem1,

It really doesn't matter what I do in her eyes just as long as I buy in to her reality.

What a great slant on the problem. Do you mind if I use your quote?

parkem1- My WW is similar to yours in the fact that "once she makes up her mind about something, right or wrong, there is no changing it". Totally. The pride thing is there too, yet amazingly she admitted to this all being a mistake on her part after almost 4 months now of living with OP. That was a surprise. She also talked about how great he was back then and now he is "The biggest [censored] I have ever met". Things change in their messed up minds. Your WW is running on a chemical illusion that WILL wear off.

We are a little over a week away from official divorce. Amazingly also, she took over 3/4ths of our debt, hardly anything out of the house of any value (and we have several expensive things), and her half of equity left after closing costs on the house. So there is hope there too. I think she left me better off out of guilt or something. I am sure she really loves you and is just talking out her a$$ right now. Don't take what she says literally at all. My WW said she was going to get her wedding ring melted down and made into a cross of all things a couple months ago. She talks nothing, but nice to me now and backs down on everything. So there is hope. At least to have a peaceful divorce if it comes to that. Expect the worst and hope for the best. She also may not come to her senses til after divorce so there is always that chance too. That is if u even want her by then. That would be your decision.

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: juke1225 ]</small>

cymanca - Feel free to use my quote.

Juke - Yeah, I keep waiting for the illusion to wear off for her. I think the best thing right now is to just not talk to her anymore. She is messing with my head and she thrives on the drama. I need to plan B and stick to it. If she moves forward with the D she will have to do it without communicating with me. If she gets pissed off, so what? Why should I really care what she thinks if she is trying to D me.

parkem1 -What drove my WW nuts the most was being kind to her and acting as though I was fine. I was able to pull it off most of the time. It was like a distant Plan A. I didn't try to contact her, but when we had to talk or see eachother in regards to assets I totally plan A'd her. It definately worked and there has been a major change in her. If I would have been a jerk it would be so much easier for her to justify things in her head. I do think that u need to keep your distance at least somewhat or do the real plan B. i was afraid to go completely dark because we have no children. no ties there.

Yeah I have been for the most part in the last 2 mos been acting nice and like everything is fine and it has been driving WW nuts. I have been keeping my distance as well, giving her plenty of space to do her thing. I guess I started getting a little tense when she brought up the D word again a couple of weeks ago. I have a hard time just amicably going through the process with her like she wants because it is not what I want. But plan B would just make the process so much uglier.

Parkem1- I left the filing part up to my wife. I made the mistake in the very beginning/(pre-MB )of saying, when are you going to do it? and I want to just get this over with. At the time she was so cruel that I really did want it done ASAP, but didn't think she would file so fast. She waited a month to file. My friends and family were saying to divorce her etc because she was acting psycho.

Leave it up to her and keep saying that u don't want the D. prolong it as long as u can. Give her time to clear her head up. If treating her with all the love u can handle is driving her nuts KEEP DOING IT! It's working! It is so hard to stick to, but u need to show her that u haven't changed despite her changing. She wants to be able to resent u right now because she can justify things that way. Don't let her off that easy.

Thanks for the support Juke. Yeah my family and friends all think the sooner it is over the better. I have been trying to delay things the best I can and I keep telling her I don't want a D. I will keep treating her well and not give her any reason to resent me.

No Problem. You are doing the right things. Just keep doing them and don't take the garbage coming out of her mouth seriously. It is fog talk.

The one ironic thing though is that not going along with her idea for a D makes her resent me. No matter how nice I am about it. She gets all frustrated and says things like "I keep trying to tell you it's over but you just wont listen." then follows that up with "that has been one the biggest problems in our relationship is that you just don't hear what I am saying." Which puts me in an obvious pickle, keep refusing to hear her when she tells me it's over and piss her off or Acknowledge that she is right and make her 'happy' by moving forward with the D. Can't win for losing in that one. Is this some kind of test? Any ideas on how to handle this specific line of discussion with her?

She may be testing you are may also be soo foggy that she just thinks she wants it right now. She will regret it down the road if u do. It is likely that she wants u to care also, like testing the waters if u are willing to take her back or u are done. It's like walking a tight rope. I would ask a FWW that question.

WSs feel uncomfortable around us because we are a reminder of what they r doing. Especially when we don't change and still treat them lovingly. If u were them what would be the seemingly quickest way to escape facing what u have done? You've got it! Divorce! That is the way most of them are thinking and it usually changes when the chemical funk wears off. u just need to buy time IMO. I am no expert. just basing these thoughts on my WW's behavior and what she has said after opening up.

I have been repeatedly telling her that I don't want a D. She responds to that by saying that I have lost touch with reality. And I do feel like she is trying to release herself from the guilt by convincing me that it's over and getting me to say that I am done and that I accept it and am willing to move on. I need to stop letting myself get sucked in to her reality, but she is good at pulling me in. She has a much better way with words and is good at gently laying the guilt and blame back on me and playing the victim.