I would appreciate any comments on this one.
How does our WS really feel about us?
I mean do they all of a sudden not love us anymore and think we were the worst mistake of their lives?
Were they so miserable with us and now OP makes them so happy?
Do they ever want us back but because of the guilt stay with OP because it's easier?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers. I truly don't know what I did wrong and how can I fix any problems when WS won't even tell me what happened. That's why I'm begging anyone to let me know what WS's are thinking and feeling when they go through this.

I am no expert here, but I am sure that most WSs still love their BSs. they get caught up in fleeting chemical emotions (like when we first met them) which blinds them to reality temporarily. By the time the chemistry fades and the reality of what they have done hits, many feel that too much damage has been done, guilt, etc. So seeing us makes many WSs feel uncomfortable. We are a reminder of what they did. I am basing all of this on my WW who finally opened up to me recently about the way she feels. Oh, and she is misreble now, thinks OM is an [censored], misses me and what we had etc. She has put herself in a really bad position. I do know in my heart that she loves me very much, but is messed up in her head right now and feels a ton of guilt about all this. So she stays away. It probably seems easier that way now, but in the long run it will be much harder for her IMO.

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: juke1225 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by juke1225:
<strong> I am no expert here, but I am sure that most WSs still love their BSs. they get caught up in fleeting chemical emotions (like when we first met them) which blinds them to reality temporarily. By the time the chemistry fades and the reality of what they have done hits, many feel that too much damage has been done, guilt, etc. So seeing us makes many WSs feel uncomfortable. We are a reminder of what they did. I am basing all of this on my WW who finally opened up to me recently about the way she feels. Oh, and she is misreble now, thinks OM is an [censored], misses me and what we had etc. She has put herself in a really bad position. I do know in my heart that she loves me very much, but is messed up in her head right now and feels a ton of guilt about all this. So she stays away. It probably seems easier that way now, but in the long run it will be much harder for her IMO. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is completely correct....I had been miserable for awhile because my H and I let alot of things in our marriage slip including affection.....and when I got caught up with another person who was giving me the attention and affection I felt I needed...the feeling was too much to let go...it took awhile before I came to my senses and finally kicked the addiction....and now I am dealing witht he horrible consequences....I will tell you from the experience of a WS...they will go through stubborness, denial, depression, guilt, there will be alot of tears...wether you see them or not....but if you weather through that with them and not leave them hanging....you stand a good chance of getting them back....my H did the opposite...and I am fighting to get him back....I loved him through it all and I feel so much guilt and pain for what I did....he also has lashed out at me and had a revenge affair...I will warn you now...don't do it....it will only make things 10x worse...I speak from experience....the way he did it...hurt me so bad....I completely went off my rocker when I found out.....stay strong and lean on the good people here for support....they all have experience with this and know what they are talking about...you'll make it through *hugs*

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Cyn1018:
[QB] I would appreciate any comments on this one.
How does our WS really feel about us?

"Our" WS's are individuals.

I don't thik you can go by what other WS's feel in order to explain your particular situation to yourself.

Your situation is unique in a couple of ways.


I mean do they all of a sudden not love us anymore and think we were the worst mistake of their lives?

Does your H love you like mad and behave like a loving husband... and then one day, "all of a sudden" for no reason, stop loving you?

I doubt it.

Ask yourself, how loving kind and respectful was your relationship with your H before the affair?

Were they so miserable with us and now OP makes them so happy?

You are still trying to figure out your WS thinking ... after all this time ... you still are asking the same questions, why????.


Do they ever want us back but because of the guilt stay with OP because it's easier?

Was the marriage happy, kind, joyous, respectful and equally satisfying for both of you before the affair?

If it was not, then the affair probably looks and feels good by comparison.... and your H is not motivated to return.

If your H is one of the types who does not respect marriage as an ideal and whose vows are disposable when he feels an urge to look outside the marriage, then any relationship he's involved in is at risk whenever it hits a bump in the road.

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers.

I know.

Ask different questions. Ask questions that are about YOU.... your recovery.

I truly don't know what I did wrong and how can I fix any problems when WS won't even tell me what happened.

you cannot.

If this is not about you , but about his character issues, then there is nothing you can do say or ask that will answer this the way you want it to be answered.

Is your H a really good man? A man of integrity? Do you and your H share the same values?

That's why I'm begging anyone to let me know what WS's are thinking and feeling when they go through this.

I am wondering what you are thinking most of the time!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Are you thinking that after he completes his time in prison, his values will match up with yours?

Did they ever?

(((CYN)))

Pep

Cyn,

I think you might benefit from reading this post by Penny Tupy on her website. She is citing conversations with a former WS that I found very fascinating:

Conversation With A Former WS

I wish I had read that link months ago! I thought we weren't supposed to contact OP and rock the boat? I did the exposure part, but no friends really stood up and said what she is doing is wrong. Creepy to read that now. I guess everyone is diffent though. It seems like with my WW the exposure part is a roadblock in her mind.

Pep,
I guess you don't understand that finding out these answers is about me. It seems you always want me to somehow just forget about H and what happened. If I could I wouldn't need to be here. No one has a perfect M. H changed completely when he met OW, somehow you are not getting this!!! I ask these questions because I "need" answers. Yes everyone is an individual however everyone having an A share certain similiarities.

The web site was great, thanks.

Anymore comments from WS's?

Cyn,

You can't change how your WH feels about you. You can't change how he is living his life.

I wish it took just one slap in the face and they will wake up from this terrible fog they are in and realize how much they do love us.

The only situation we can change is ours. We can't make our WH come back to us. I wish it was that easy.

In a way I think the WS wants us to hate them, it eases their guilt.

There isn't any marriage that is perfect and even if the WS comes back, you will have a long road of recovery.

Take care of yourself.

Cyn,

Pep is right. The more you focus on your WS's recovery, the less you are able to work on your own. It took me 4 months after dday 2 to actually let go enough to start living my own life. It's such a relief, letting go. Instead of waiting for my WH to recover I am asking myself, who do I want to be? If my life was perfect, what would I be doing differently? and then I start doing those things. I am starting to have fun again and my new found happiness is snowballing. As a bonus, I find that my new attitude is a bit contageous.

Don't worry about what the WS is thinking, just take care of yourself. You might even find the WS wondering about what you're thinking!

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: Loy ]</small>

I Plan A'd as hard as I could for over a YEAR then I found MB and PlanA'd by the book for 2 months...

Then I went to Plan B for 2 weeks....

I asked my W who came home out of the blue...WHAT MADE YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK?? PLEASE TELL??

She said...I missed being home, with you with the kids...I missed my life my real life.

GEESH!! I broke my neck for over a year trying to win back her love and she didn't respond. I bite down hard on my pillow and let her go and she comes back...hmmm...LIGHTBULB.

Plan A gave her the right picture of what life could be, and Plan B made her get off the fence and come n get it.

Just my opinion, I'm still trying to sort thru the reasons.

FM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Cyn1018:
It seems you always want me to somehow just forget about H and what happened.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry if I give you that impression... I realize you will never "forget" about what has unfortunately happened within your marriage... I realize your H and your M are important to you.

You said you don't know what you did wrong.... WHAT IF you did not do anything wrong? WHAT IF you were and are powerless to prevent your H from making his own foolish choices?

You ask about fixing problems.... WHAT IF the problem is NOT YOU and NOT your past mistakes????

That reality, your relative innocence as a cause for your H's cheating, would mean that the "fixing" needing to be done is not in your hands.

In other words, you are powerless to make a change that needs to be done personally by your H himself!

What if the major problem needing to be fixed is your H's selfishness and inability to commit to marriage monogamy?

How can you force HIM to do what is necessary?

I don't know. I don't think you can.

I think YOU are doing everything you can to figure out how to get HIM to change.... and it may be frustrating you beyond your ability to tolerate!

I think you are capable of allowing your H to make his choices, meanwhile YOU become the most wonderful woman he ever met... and if he still chooses to be a screw up (as far as his M goes) then at least you know you have done everything within your power to be the best wife possible.

I worry you are trying to do things NOT within your power.... and it's eternally frustrating.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
<strong> I would appreciate any comments on this one.
How does our WS really feel about us?
I mean do they all of a sudden not love us anymore and think we were the worst mistake of their lives?
Were they so miserable with us and now OP makes them so happy?
Do they ever want us back but because of the guilt stay with OP because it's easier?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers. I truly don't know what I did wrong and how can I fix any problems when WS won't even tell me what happened. That's why I'm begging anyone to let me know what WS's are thinking and feeling when they go through this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-------------------------------------------------
First I can't say I know your situation , so from that I will wing my 2 cents to the questions.

I am not a WS , but like PEP said all are different to a different situation (our M pre-a)
Also agree with ya WS tend to have some simalar traits so we tend to ask thinking it will be the answers from OUR WS...

Do they all of a sudden not love us ?? well I think they think they don't cause the grass looks greener for awhile cause they do not want to face any problems that will take work . time , &commitment ..(to hard right now in fantasy land )

So that answers the other question , OP makes them FEEL so happy "RIGHT NOW"

Do they stay cause its easier = YES maybe answer to first one again (work. commitment ect.)

Now I go with what PEP and LOY said , Belive me it is frustrating not to have the WS tell ya detail for detail what was the exact thing that well made them JET OUT !

BUT ,,, like I was told , no ,more like 2x4 IT is about fixing YOURSELF first ..

Unfortunately you will not KNOW his excuses OF why until he wants to say ..

Everyone here wants the best for one another and personal recovery is very impotant in the recovery of the M ...

We all can improve on our self , take this time to better you for YOU and if the M itself should come together them you will be in the right mind to work on that recovery .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Cyn1018:
It seems you always want me to somehow just forget about H and what happened.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry if I give you that impression... I realize you will never "forget" about what has unfortunately happened within your marriage... I realize your H and your M are important to you.

You said you don't know what you did wrong.... WHAT IF you did not do anything wrong? WHAT IF you were and are powerless to prevent your H from making his own foolish choices?

You ask about fixing problems.... WHAT IF the problem is NOT YOU and NOT your past mistakes????

That reality, your relative innocence as a cause for your H's cheating, would mean that the "fixing" needing to be done is not in your hands.

In other words, you are powerless to make a change that needs to be done personally by your H himself!

What if the major problem needing to be fixed is your H's selfishness and inability to commit to marriage monogamy?

How can you force HIM to do what is necessary?

I don't know. I don't think you can.

I think YOU are doing everything you can to figure out how to get HIM to change.... and it may be frustrating you beyond your ability to tolerate!

I think you are capable of allowing your H to make his choices, meanwhile YOU become the most wonderful woman he ever met... and if he still chooses to be a screw up (as far as his M goes) then at least you know you have done everything within your power to be the best wife possible.

I worry you are trying to do things NOT within your power.... and it's eternally frustrating.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep is right, please consider what she's saying. I am a former WH, if you read my posts you would never know it. I was probably one of the most frequent posters proclaiming my love for my wife in every one of them. My former A had alot more to do with me than mistakes my W made. I was selfish, immature, lost and selfish some more...than I grew up and realized how much I loved this woman.

Pepper is trying to tell you to stop focusing on WHAT YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO. Even if you made alot of mistakes in the M doesn't give your H the right to have an A! Nothing justifies infidelity. Period. You are only hurting yourself thinking that you can control another person, it's time to stop. It's not as if hurting yourself and loweing your self-esteem is going to save your M anyway right? Please don't put yourself thru unnecessary pain, you H is a grown up and he's making bad choices all on his own. He will have to make some good choices for you M if HE intends to save it.
I wish you could see it that way.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

FM