It's been a month and a half since W told me of A with her boss. I had gotten advice to tell W to quit her job yesterday. Well, yesterday W said she didn't know if job was right for her. I said I felt the same way, then W got defensive and confronted me in front of our 5 year old. I didn't want to argue then, so at bed time I tried to talk. W wouldn't do it. I have been Plan A'ing, and things are a little better. When do I bring this topic up again? I want her to quit now. Everyday she goes to work, it kills me inside. Any thoughts?

your ww sounds so much like mine. after 3months she finally agreed to go to MC and now I am finding out some of what went on.
Its very hard to use MB principles here when there is so little conversation. You dont know what you are really fighting do you?

I think you need to ask her to agree to a pro M MC. I mean IS the A really over? How do you accept this daily pain & distrust? That I know is so hard and drives you to the point of giving up & walking away.

I can see you being where I am soon, as ready to leave as to try working on the M, if you dont start some move towards working on the M, that means no contact with the OM EVER = new job in this case, all the things they recommend here.

I have to wonder where your W is at the moment on this M. Is she is the fog still & wanted you to disuade her from getting another job so she can be near the OM?? I've heard of wierder things here.

Start now on the MB stuff.

It's really hard for me to tell what's going on with her at work. She works many hours per week, and doesn't spend much time with me and child. She may be looking for an out, because of the OM at work (he's married with a kid as well). I have stopped calling her at work, as I can tell she talks quietly to me (I thought it was my cell phone for awhile, ha!). W is in phone work, and OM's job is to listen in and monitor calls. How's that for an invasive situation. I need to talk to her about the work situation. Do I wait for the fog to clear (I think it is). Timing seems to my enemy. Thanks for the talk....

WGO,

So your W did have a PA with her boss? I read your past posts and its not that clear. Plus her staying out with her friends and not coming home at all one night?? Is she having a total personality change? Is there more going on than an A with the boss? Is the A over?

No contact (NC) MUST start before any kind of rebuilding or reconciliation between you both can happen. Sounds like NC means getting another job.

She said "Do you want that (changing jobs) for you or for me?" YOU WANT IT FOR THE MARRIAGE!! AND YOUR CHILD!!

That's a rough one, her going to work and him listening in. Is it an A or sexual harrassment from the boss?

He is married too, correct? Might be time to let his W know about it.

She could then get fired and you could do a sexual harrassment suite against the company. Then you wouldn't have to worry about the two incomes! JUST KIDDING!!

Being pro-active to stop the A is better than re-acting to the next drama.

Reading here and the books that are available helps.

Stay strong, no LBing and planA your a$$ off.

k

Hmmmm. Have you told the OM's wife yet what her husband has been up to?

Your wife will find another job real quick. And whatever lingers of the affair will die when exposed to hard reality.

~ Snow

The W of the OM does know about the A. W told me they are both going back to work on their M. Funny, my only friend who knows of the A, told me the same thing. Get him fired for sexual harassment! Ha... Yes, my wife says the A is over, but we don't talk about ANYTHING but regular topics. A week ago, W was very nice to me, physically and mentally. Now, she just looks bummed. Not much laughing. Guess I should be glad there has been any laughing at all. I think W is just waiting for me to make a move. We go to sleep early now, W doesn't want to deal with looking at me the past few days. As another post said, I feel she is making me feel like it's all my fault now. I know I was a bad H for a long time, but she was a bad W too. I've been feeling so confident, made changes in my life, attitude adjustment is great. Feel I'm hitting a wall. Thoughts? Thanks for your imput

WGO,

Who told you the OM's W knew about the A?

Your W? Hmmmmmmm.

I would confirm that somehow. WS have a tendency to defend and protect the OP.
k

If your source of info on OM wife knowing is your WW then doubt it big time.
Your W sounds as if she is in the fog a bit still to me and perhaps strating the withdrawal but how can she do this when she works there?

YOU contact the OM wife and tell her whats been going on, expose the affair to his bosses as well, look if your ww is only making an effort for your kid then if you want to save the M you need to act.

You'll soon learn where she is if you expose, if she gets angry you told OM's wife then that is par for the course when a ww is in the fog. If they threaten to sack her start talking sexual harrassment suite against the company.

Or before you expose to company have your wife get another job & then expose to company. Her Question about if it would be for her or you is a REAL fog response you know, pushing her guilt and knowledge of wrongdoing onto you. Thats why I said I thought she was in the fog still.

So along with exposure get MC as well this will really help. At least you may find out the full truth so you will know what you face in fighting for your M.

Keep listening to the experts who have done it before us they have heard it all.

I may be in denial, but I believe my W on the subject if the OM has told his W. If I was able to get ahold of the OM's W, what would I say to her? It would be pretty hard to invade W's work fortress. If I really wanted to , I think I could. My W friends H got her the job. He is pretty high up, he may be able to. Then my W's best friend finds out. That might be worse than OM's W finding out (they are more or less estranged). Anyway, I don't think a sexual harassment case is in order, they both were of "free" mind on this one. I really think W is waiting for me to take action right now. Things are just lingering (or rotting). Pro MC is something I will bring up. I mentioned that when I was writing a journal to myself when this 1st came down. I would totally be for it. Will W look at it as a "doomed " move for our M?

Hello. It's been 3 weeks since I've posted. I have been trying inside to find the courage to tell W to leave her job. Yesterday, I startd to get the feeling she is still seeing OM. No concrete evidence. Just a really bad feeling. Last time I had this feeling, I found my feeling to be true, to an extent.
Last night I went out to eat with my only friend who knows. His girlfriend shows up, and I remembered she knew as well. She told me, as you all have, that she "absolutely" has to leave her job. It was nice to get a face to face reality check, since I've been sitting on the fence. I will do this now. W seems misearable, has dropped a few more hints about her unhappiness at work lately. Is she now waiting for me to be the one to tell her?
Tonite we are going out to dinner with our best friends. We haven't been out in quite awhile (another big problem of ours). Should I tell her in the car on the way over? Maybe it will be a relief. Or will it ruin the evening? Can anybody give me advice? Thanks . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, it took me 3 weeks, but I finally told W she had to leave her job; no contact with OM. She still is in the fog big time right now. W was surprised, but I told her (no LB'ing on my part, I believe) that she couldn't really expect me to not say anything ever about this situation. W has also proceded to spend all of our $, to the tune of $300 in the hole. I also told her that she has to be accountable for her time away. This will be a total change for her, as she has been going out a whole bunch. I told W about these "work outings" (I want to throw up) and the OM. I said a phone call is nice(she was only so-so at calling) but if he's there, what else can I think? W mentioned this sounds like an ultimatum, this is so hard not thinking I'm LB'ing, but it must be done. I told her if she even has a little softness in her heart, and the fact she's still here, then this is the first of many steps to get out love back. W said she's afraid to choose right now (meaning she knows she would choose OM). It felt great to get this out in the open. W also mentioned she has no one to talk to. I believe this is crippling W terribly! I told her last night, and again this a.m. to get ahold of her estraged best friend. I praying she can talk sense, expose things to W. I don't expect a lot, but it'll help. I told W I will find her a job(or help her). I told her not 2 months, not 1 month, but two weeks to find a job. (I don't care if it's at Kenny Rogers/Jack in the Box)!It was a long talk, I feel better now, but a long, long road, I feel...What is the next step? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Would your wife consider posting on mb? This is a great place for spouses lost in the fog.
I agree with others that the om's wife should be told directly by you about the affair. You need the first hand assurance that this has been done. The om's wife deserves to know what has happened in her marriage so that she can make informed decisions and also so that she can help you to hold this man accountable to stay away from your wife. Vital step to saving your marriage. It also shows your wife that you are pro-active and will do whatever is necessary.

I told W last night that I wonder if OM has even really told his W about the affair? W just looked at me horrified. She did that quite a bit last night. I think W was just shocked I am taking steps to save out M. I could get OM's phone# if I really try (a mutual friend probably could get me it. If not, should I ask W for the#? My fear is this will push them into each others arms. I know that may be short-sighted. If she kicks her H out, will my W flee too? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />